Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

MY REPRODUCTIVE STORY

I’ve read that we all, from an early age, have an unconscious narrative of our reproductive story that we’ve written. It’s our story of how we think our life as a parent will all unfold. It starts in childhood and is modified and rewritten as you become an adult. And when it doesn’t unfold as you hoped it would, that certainly explains some of the emotional pain of infertility.

I never imagined that after 5.5 years of marriage, at the age of 29, I still wouldn’t have any children. My ideal life plan was to meet the man of my dreams by sophomore year of college, get married right after college, and have a baby 2 years later. Ultimately, God has had different plans for me than I had for myself! I did meet the man of my dreams in college, at then end of my junior year, just one week before he graduated from college! And we did get married 3 years later after we met (2 years after I graduated from college.) So, I was just a few years “behind” my dream plan. Not too bad! But when the whole baby making thing came along, it pushed my plan behind…far behind. Goodbye baby that was supposed to be born when I was 26 or 27!

So, now that I’m 29 years old, I guess my story continues to rewrite itself, without my approval. It’s been three years of our infertility struggle. It’s a little uneasy to keep watching the months and years pass and to still not know the miracle of pregnancy, birth, or the joys of parenthood. People tell me to relax and stop worrying because I’m young and have plenty of time. But that’s hard to take in, as they’ve never been through this situation themselves. In fact, it’s very patronizing and hurts deep. Once a married couple wants to have a baby, then faces years of challenge trying to get there, their age becomes irrelevant because the pain and frustration is so very genuine. Even though I understand that we have years left and that my biological clock hasn’t run out yet, it’s difficult when you’ve already seen three years pass and wonder if that chance will ever come – no matter how much time I have left…

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