Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I’M PLANNING TO STOP PLANNING

I’m an organizer. I’m a planner. I’m a list maker. I love to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and why it’s going to happen. In fact, Who? What? Why? Where? When? are some of my favorite questions!

I think being a “planner” has made this infertility process all the more psychotic for me. Yes, I like surprises – but only every once in a while. And definitely not surprises that are about my future. If I could just know for sure that’d I’d get pregnant sometime in my future, even if it’s 10 years down the road – awesome, bring it on. As long as I knew it was going to happen someday, I could be content. Even if I couldn’t “plan” that, at least I knew the outcome and could “plan” up until that time.

I like to keep things under control, I like calmness, and keeping away from anything hectic. I’m slowly realizing that instead of planning for the future, I just need to step back and let it fall into place. I’m making it a point to focus on the present and appreciate the blessings right in front of me – right now.

But ultimately, to really make this confusing and contradicting, even though I am planning to stop planning so much (because I know I still need and am going to plan…but only for certain things) - I still will plan for infertility. You have to plan ahead and make that next appointment “just in case,” because if you don’t – you’ll miss out on another month of trying. So all the while during that two-week-wait, you have to be hopeful that you are pregnant, but you still have to plan ahead and make appointments “just in case.” (Turns out that “just in case” happened all too often for us.)

So, I’m planning on reducing my need to plan. I imagine this will be harder than I think. I’m going to stop being so selfish and start trusting in God’s plan rather than my plan for myself.

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