Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

INFERTILITY REALLY CHANGES YOU

Infertility really changes you. It makes you insecure, takes away innocence and adds a lot of fear. There is no way to change that reality, but I try to be aware of it so that I can calm myself whenever that fear and worry builds up about the health of this pregnancy. After all, I have no control....I never have, but being so 'technically' involved with the whole IVF process somehow makes one think that they do.

I think there is always going to be some fear and worry, no matter how you conceive. For those of us who have spent a long time trying to conceive, we are often terrified of losing a baby the moment we are told we're pregnant, because it’s something we thought we might never experience. I would imagine for those who have had a miscarriage, they feel a similar horrible fear. For many people, getting to full term and going through labor and delivery will be the biggest gift ever, no matter how much pain we'll all have to endure. I would imagine that there is no physical pain of childbirth that can trump the emotional hurt of being infertile.

I know I was born to be a mother. I am 100% confident in that! Therefore, I’m trying to apply that confidence to believe that this pregnancy will continue to move along with health and success. For so long I was afraid and tired of disappointment after disappointment, I started thinking that was how it may always be. And then to hear of other friends and acquaintances miscarriages just bring the worry out even more. Needless to say, it’s been a challenge to find that innocence I once had before. I need to believe and trust that at some point, that disappointment will be gone. I need to let the negative thoughts and feelings disappear and let myself trust in the good that is happening right now.

I keep telling myself that there is no need to worry. Worrying is not going to change or help anything. I’m trying to trust in God’s plan knowing that what happens is for the best. So, why worry along the way? I’m just going to try to sit back and enjoy the ride. Whatever will be - will be!(Ha - Easier said than done!!!) But I do think I will slowly get to that point where I can find my faith over fear. The monthly ultrasounds (photos of our babies) and listening to their heartbeats will definitely give me peace.

I pray our dear babies grow strong and healthy. And I promise not to get upset when they're fighting with each other, screaming, and stealing each others toys in a few years. :) (HA HA HA!!)

“Before you were born, I knew you…every day of your life was written in my book.” Psalm 139

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