Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Friday, March 5, 2010

JOINING THE “PREGNANCY CLUB” BUT FEELING LIKE A TRAITOR

I’ve often wondered how I would feel joining the “pregnancy club” in response to leaving the “infertility world.” For so long I would roll my eyes at the easily impregnated fertile women out there. And I even admit to being saddened to the infertiles that became pregnant and left me in the dust. Please don’t think I’m a bad person, because although I wish I had never had those feelings, I know I couldn’t have stopped them. I understand that it is a “normal” feeling.

Even though I’m always joyous to hear of a pregnancy because I believe all babies are miracles, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that was saddened at another’s happy news. You can be honestly happy for other people, and at the same time, feel jealous or sad. And what makes the envy even worse is the guilt and shame we feel about ourselves for having these emotions. It makes you feel like a horrible person on top of all the pain that already exists from the infertility. I don’t think these feelings make you a hypocrite or a bad person, it just makes you human. And everyone has experienced and can relate to that in some way.

Now that I’ve crossed over from being “infertile” to “pregnant,” I feel a sense of being a traitor. I'm struggling with many mixed emotions. It’s a bazaar thing and I know it will be hard for others to understand unless they’ve been through it themselves. Part of me feels like now I am one of those resented pregnant people among the infertility community of friends I have that once made me feel so supported and not alone. I know how I felt when friends of mine joined the pregnant club and left me behind to wallow in my self-pity of infertile-ness. It sucked. And the last thing I want to do is hurt other people going through infertility issues. Because I know exactly how it feels. Been there – done that.

I feel so blessed to be in the “pregnant club,” but I am definitely aware of how my good news may affect others who are still waiting to get their positive results. I pray that those people will find renewed hope, strength, and faith in my infertility story.

So, yes, I’ve joined the “pregnant club” and am a proud member. But I’ll always be a part of the “infertility club” too. And I’ll forever be a proud member of that as well. Infertility has crushed me, tested me, and broken my heart. But it has also uplifted, empowered, and changed me for the better. And I’ll never leave it behind…

1 comment:

  1. Wow... am I glad there was not a camera on me when I was reading that...I'm a blubbering mess of tears. I don't have much to say other than, you are such a real, and thoughtful person and I love you!

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