It is interesting
to think of me emerging on the other side of infertility, because to most
people, we definitely have after the birth of our 4 children: twins, Elijah and
Will (9 years old), Caleb (6 years old) and Evelyn (2 years old). Most people
wouldn't look at our family of 6 and think we had trouble conceiving. But
we definitely did. And honestly, I don't think one can ever truly leave
infertility behind. Therefore, I know I haven’t fully emerged from it. It’s a
big part of me and who I now am. It will never leave me. And I am amazingly
okay with that.
Even after the miracles of our twin boys in 2010, my husband and were thrown
right back into the ugly world of infertility as we continued to struggle
conceiving again for over a year in 2012 and 2013. My infertility story is just
one of many. And each story is so very different. Although there are many
similarities of pain and grief, there are so many more differences: different
doctors, different techniques, different procedures, different results, and
different outcomes. For some couples it is the "male factor" because
of low sperm count, or low motility, or the shape of the sperm. For others it
is the "female factor" because the woman doesn't produce eggs, or she
doesn't ovulate, or her fallopian tubes are blocked, or she suffers from
endometriosis, etc. For others, the woman can easily become pregnant but
cannot carry a baby without miscarrying over and over again. Having a
gestational carrier may be an option for some of these couples. And yet for
other couples, it is both "male and female factors" and surrogacy
and/or adoption may be their only options. For others there are "no
factors" which is called "unexplained infertility", meaning
doctors cannot find anything wrong. And some have "secondary
infertility" which is being able to conceive after you have successfully
conceived other children. So yes, so many different factors and each story is
so very different.It took my husband and I over 3 years to conceive. We wed in
2004 and started trying after 2 years of marriage in 2006. After one year of
"trying on our own," we started doctoring and had many tests and
treatments in both our own town and at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester , MN
When the twins were about 20 months old, in May of 2012, we started trying
again on our own for another baby, but with no success. We started doctoring at
the Mayo Clinic again and had a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) with 1 embryo in
February of 2013, but I did not become pregnant. We were devastated. We tried
again right away and had another FET (with 1 embryo) in April of 2013 and
became pregnant. But at a little over 6 weeks gestation, I miscarried and we
said goodbye to our miracle. Heartbroken does not even begin to describe what
we felt. But we took comfort in knowing that the first thing our baby ever saw
was the face of Jesus.
So yes, we had emerged
on the other side of infertility, but then were thrown right back in it again.
And like I said, it never really left us anyway. And now we have a miscarriage
to add to our infertility story. Yet another part of my life story that I never
thought would happen to me. Many questions remained. Do we keep trying on our
own? Do we do another FET? Or do we see this as a sign that it's time to stop
trying? Do we try a gestational carrier? Do we adopt for our miracle? Or do we
adjust to a life of no more children and move on?
While we pondered these questions
over the summer after our miscarriage, we kept trying to conceive. And 3 months
after we lost our baby, we experienced another amazing and very unexpected
miracle. We conceived on our own for the first time since we had first started
trying 7 years earlier. Overjoyed and shocked and grateful doesn't even begin
to describe our feelings. We couldn't believe this had happened. Praise God!
Our Caleb was born in May of 2014.
Even with those incredible miracles, we still
have fears. And we still feel the pain from infertility. And most likely always
will. Infertility is many things. I know a lot about the medical side of
infertility. Although most of it doesn't truly make sense to me. Because
wow...our bodies are absolutely amazing and there are so many things that have
to be absolutely perfect to conceive and carry a healthy baby. I know that each
and every baby, no matter the circumstance, is nothing short of an absolute
miracle. And I know that medical treatments can only go so far and do so much.
Because that is where God comes in and the true miracle occurs.
I've experienced many different aspects of infertility. I've had a twin
pregnancy via IVF, a FET that wasn't successful, a singleton pregnancy via FET,
which resulted in a miscarriage. And 2 singleton pregnancies on our own with no
medical assistance. I often think about how we've experienced all this and why
we've had to experience each of these. I know I won't ever fully know or
understand it, but I'll just keep trusting. This was God's plan.
I truly believe that God has a bigger plan for all of us than we have for
ourselves. And I trust in that. No matter what happens, no matter what your
struggle is or what your cross to bear is, I pray you find hope and joy in His
plan for your life, just as I have. I will continue to share my story in hopes
of comforting and inspiring others. And if anything else for YOU, for everyone,
to know that no matter what you are going through, to know that you are not
alone. You are never alone. God has a perfect plan for your family and for your
life. Everything is happening for a reason on your path that was planned just
for you. Trust in that. Try not to second guess what you have done or what you
are planning to do. Keep the faith. Whatever it is will be worth waiting for.
And remember that there is always, always, always HOPE.
My story is meant to be shared. I feel it in my heart to do so. I always have.
It’s a story of God’s perfect timing and God’s perfect plan. I don't share my
story for attention. I don't share it for pity. I share it because there are
many people out there who desperately need support. They may not be able or
willing to speak out, so I will help be their voice. They need to know they are
not alone. They need to know it is okay to be sad. They need to know they are
supported.
While raising our 3 boys, in the back of my mind, I still questioned about
trying for more children. I was afraid of the pain and disappointment that
could come if we had trouble conceiving again. I didn't know if I wanted to
open my heart to that again. But after praying for over one year trying to
decide and feeling the tug in my heart, we decided to try for another baby. We
decided that we would try for 3 months - if it happened, that was God telling
us yes and if it didn't, God was telling us no. Little did we know that the
very first month we tried, we would conceive. And that would become our
precious little girl, Evelyn, who was born in February of 2018. Well God, that
was a very fast answer of yes. ;)
But I know even more about the emotional side of infertility. I know most
people won't understand just how truly destructive infertility is. Just as you
cannot truly understand something unless you've been through it yourself. It's
like the saying, "For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For
those who do not understand, no explanation is possible."
Infertility kills dreams. It makes you feel like you are losing every good
thing about yourself. It exhausts your body with endless medications and
injections. It makes you feel so frustrated with your body as to why you cannot
do something so natural as create a baby. It breaks hearts. It makes you feel
jealous. Then it makes you hate yourself because of those feelings you don't
want to have, but can't stop. It makes you gain weight. It, along with the
medications, makes your hormones all over the place. It makes you angry and
bitter. It crushes your heart. It makes you feel lonely. It opens the most
private parts of your life to random nurses and doctors, therefore making you
feel awkward and invaded. It messes with your hope. It makes you feel
irrational. It makes you wonder what you did in your past that was so horrible
that now you are being punished for it. It emotionally drains you from
happiness you used to so easily feel. It makes sex become a chore instead of
pleasure. It steals your money. It consumes you. And worst of all,
it makes you question God as to what is so horrible about yourself that
you aren't good enough to be a mother. It makes you feel unworthy. Infertility
pretty much sucks. Yup, it sucks.
You smile your way through baby showers, births, holidays, baptisms, and
birthday parties of families and friends even though your heart continues to
break inside. And it's not because you aren't happy for them and love children,
because you truly do. You treasure the miracle and sweetness of babies and
children. But your heart aches because you so desperately see the parents' joys
and want to feel that in your own heart with your own children. You want to
hold your own baby in your arms, but never know if you will get the chance.
1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. Therefore, odds are you know
someone who is suffering. If you know any of those people, I encourage you to
pray for them, support them, and just let them know you care. Because if they
have told you about it, that is them reaching out for help. Women and men with
infertility unfortunately do not usually get the support they need because it is
commonly a hidden subject. People are ashamed, but they should not be. Be their
support. Help give them hope.
One of the hardest things to describe and express about infertility is the loss
each and every month: the extreme grief and despair. I have experienced the
loss of month after month of not becoming pregnant. 52 times to be exact. That
is 52 months/cycles we tried with not becoming pregnant. And it is a pain like
no other. You grieve your baby that could have been. And then you feel crazy
for being so devastated for losing something you never had to begin with. But
it is real. And it is deep. You grieve the hopes and dreams of yet another
child that you so desperately wanted. You grieve time lost and thousands upon
thousands of dollars lost with nothing to show for it. You grieve because you
never know if you will ever conceive a baby. And every month you wait, for half
of every month (during the 2 weeks you wait to find out if you are pregnant),
you do just that: WAIT. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. You spend half of
your "trying to conceive" life pretending you are pregnant, just in
case you are, only to be crushed when it is another negative result.
You tell yourself over and over that "It will happen in time." But
did you know that if you have sex at exactly the right time with all perfect
conditions, that you still only have a 20% chance of becoming pregnant each
time? Seriously! A 20% chance! That is amazing. So, sadly the odds are often
against you. Just another example of how each and every pregnancy is an
absolute miracle. Also, along with the statistics that 1 in every 4 pregnancies
results in a miscarriage. One in every four! You cannot tell me that each and
every baby born isn't meant to be.
My miscarriage was hard. I was heartbroken. But I can honestly say that for me,
many of the months of not getting pregnant during years of infertility were
many times almost as hard as our miscarriage. Imagine grieving a loss every
month for years. It tears your heart apart. You stay hopeful and then drop to a
low again each month. But it just seems like the next time you get back up, it
is not nearly as high as you had been the time before. You feel defeated. But
somehow you keep on moving forward. Because we all know that if you want a
child, making a family is worth anything.
The pain of infertility is deep: the waiting, the questions, the taking
chances, the struggles, the longing, the sacrifices, the statistics, the money,
the bills you owe, the crying, the loneliness, the praying, the enduring, the
stresses, the planning, the countless medications, the many appointments, the
questions, the never knowing if you will be able to conceive, the pain of
watching so many around you having children, hearing of abortions, seeing yet
another teenager become pregnant who doesn't want a baby, listening to pregnant
women complain about being pregnant, reading about child abuse, and on and on.
By far, one of the biggest struggles for most couples is stressing over the
cost. Unfortunately, many states and insurance plans have no coverage for
infertility. None. Most people are paying for everything out of pocket.
Fortunately, I had some coverage for our first round of IVF, but we used up our
lifetime coverage right away, so everything since has been 100% out of pocket.
I don't even want to think about how much we've spent on the other two rounds
of FETs (Frozen Embryo Transfers). But, I am truly grateful that we can afford
these treatments, as I know there are many people who cannot because of
finances. Many do not even get that choice. The treatments are expensive and
the medication costs are atrocious. The fertility drugs need to be shipped from
specialty pharmacies. I searched all over the country and usually ordered mine
from Texas
As much as I wish I could take away infertility from everyone, I can't. And who
are we to choose why suffering happens, who it happens to, and how it happens
as well? We all have our crosses to bear. Illnesses, disease, addiction,
depression, anxiety, loss, divorce, abuse, disabilities, financial
difficulties, death, etc. Suffering is suffering. And everyone needs
support. Everyone needs hope. Yes, the struggles are awful. But your
struggle is part of your story. And I truly believe God will not leave us and
will give us the strength to carry on even when we feel like we can't take
another step forward.
Perhaps one of the hardest things about infertility is the unknown of not
knowing what to do and not knowing what the future holds. You never know how
long your journey will be or what the outcome will be. How many
medications do we try? How far do we go? What do we try next? How many
treatments are we able to do? How many more thousands of dollars are we willing
to spend? How much more are we willing to put ourselves though before we
realize we are wasting our time, money, and hearts? If we only knew that by a
certain point, we would be guaranteed a child, we know we would do anything.
Anything! But it is all a gamble. There are no guarantees. That unknown is
horrible. The waiting, the not knowing, is a pain I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
But I would be lying if I said infertility hasn't brought good things to my
life. Because it certainly has. My faith and relationship with God is stronger.
I trust more, I believe more, I hope more. I'm more compassionate and more
giving. My relationship with my husband is stronger. We have always had an
amazing, loving, and supportive relationship, but infertility has made our
faith in God together stronger than strong. My husband did not grow up in a
family who attended church, so to watch his faith grow has been nothing short
of incredible. We have become even stronger as a couple and stronger in our
faith together. What a true blessing! We had over 6 years of marriage
with just him and I alone before we had our twins. I know him better than I know
anyone. I am so grateful for our years together. We celebrate 16 years of
marriage next month.
Another blessing is that I have supported and encouraged many lives upon
starting my “infertility journey” blog. I have "met" people from all
across the country who read my blog and so deeply relate to what I write, which
has given them comfort and hope. I hope and pray that through my blog and
through my story, my heartache will help be someone else's hope. Because I
truly believe that with hope, the odds don't matter.
