BIRTHING CLASS

Nick and I took a birthing class called, “Birth, Babies, and Beyond “ through the local ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education). It was a 4 session class, with each session lasting 2.25 hours. They went over pregnancy tips, stages of labor, labor positions, pain meditations, relaxation/breathing, newborn care, resources, etc. We took the class in June, which was during my 5th month. You’re ideally supposed to take it during your 8th month. But it was the only dates that would work for us and we figured in case I delivered early, it’d be best to take it then. Most of these ladies were near the end of their pregnancies and I was literally bigger than most of them already. CRAZY!

Having worked in childcare, a degree in Elementary Childhood with a specialization in pre-primary, experiences with my nieces, and just speaking with friends/family, I already knew a lot of what the class offered. But it was still nice to go over again. Although I really wished the class went over more of newborn care, such as how to take are of a baby AFTER you leave the hospital…and especially with twins! I felt out of place in the class because I wanted to ask specific questions regarding to twins, but I didn’t want to waste everyone else’s time there that it didn’t apply to. I wish there was a professional to talk to about twins or a class to take. But in a town our size, there just isn’t that option.

Unfortunately, we had previous plans and we missed the 4th class session, which is about breastfeeding. This was the class session we need to be at the most! I was really disappointed about this as breastfeeding is one thing I’m sure I’ll need assistance with. And for double breastfeeding with twins, I’m sure it takes a little more skill. So I’m nervous about that part. But I know they have lactation consultants at the hospital that can help and even come in the home to assist.

Also during the last class that we missed, they did a tour of the birthing center. We spoke with the RN about this and after the first class, she gave Nick and I our own personal tour! This was the highlight of the class for me. The new birthing center at the brand new hospital here in town is beautiful! The rooms are very nice with great amenities. (gee…sounds like a hotel!) It was great to see the c-section room, since that will be where we will deliver. (With multiples, they have you deliver in the surgery room, just in case of emergencies.)

We had to bring pillows and blankets a few nights as we practiced relaxation techniques, including breathing and massage. Many of the women in the class mentioned how they were planning on having a natural birth with no medication. Nick and I would look at each other and grin because I’m planning on taking whatever drugs they can give me! More power to those ladies, but that will be a daunting task, to say the least! I’m looking for a fun, drug filled, pain free experience. HA!

Here are photos of Nick and I headed to class!!

REGISTERING - A FINE ART!

Registering is a fine art. For months we've researched products, compared prices, and read countless reviews. It’s like a part time job Nick and I have created for ourselves. This strategy is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because we know more about the products and which ones we think will be great, that are the most cost efficient. But it’s also a curse because it takes a long time to go over all that information and we stress ourselves out about deciding which one to get, when to get it, and where to get it. That’s our OCD taking charge. At some point we’ve just realized that you just research a little, then just decide on something and stick with it. Because by this point – you’re just wasting your precious free time! And I guess we need to fall back on our parents advice, "We didn't have that stuff 30 years ago when you were born and YOU SURVIVED!" Because it is so very true!

Give us a little break though – this is double duty for us. With twins on the way, many items we need TWO of, so we want to be as frugal as possible. (This is our life story – we’re probably too frugal with everything.)Of course we’ve spent the longest research of bigger items such as cribs and nursery room furniture. And I’m pretty proud to say that I think we found the best deals possible!

We’ve received good advice and found ways to save money and have more room; such as buying a dresser and not a changing table. This way we can have more drawer room for double the clothes, plus we can keep the dresser forever and it can grow with the kiddos! We’re thankful for advice from other mommies and daddies out there. But at the same time, we know our situation is a little different with twins, so we oftentimes do have to think about things a little differently.

I’ve also read awesome books geared toward twins and received lots of ideas about what we really truly need TWO of and what not. And things that people just really don’t need at all – like those diaper genie things that hold the dirty diapers! And that many stores offer a discount for multiples – 10% off the second item of a double purchase. (ie: We got our 2nd crib for 10% off. Not that it’s a huge discount, but anything helps!)

Here are a few photos of us registering. Those “guns” are fun! Just point, shoot, and whala – it’s on the list!



Before we started, we thought registering was going to be very overwhelming. And it was at times, but overall, much better than we anticipated! What may have helped keep us in a great mood was that we found the cribs we wanted at USA Baby, on sale, plus we got 10% off the second, and a $10 coupon to use! So, after that big success - we started at Babies R Us and walked around the whole store, crossing off our items along the way. We spent a long time there – that store is huge! But we left feeling satisfied. (Probably because we also went to Khan’s Mongolian Barbeque for supper…YUMMY!!) Then we headed over to a Super Target and registered there as well. Mission accomplished!! And Nick and I were still on speaking terms! HA!

BABY GENDER FEARS

I'm not going to lie...finding out that both of these precious babes were boys was quite a shock to me. I walked out of the ultrasound room feeling a little shattered and teary, coming to the realization, that yes - I am incubating two boys. And there was no mistaking it as they both spread 'em, showing all their boyishness, in all their glory! I started crying when we got into the car after our appointment.

I didn't really understand all of what I was feeling. I just knew my heart was set on at least one baby girl. It's what I've always dreamed of. Please don't misunderstand me. Because I know what you're probably thinking, "This woman has gone through infertility for over 3 years, finally gets pregnant through IVF, is blessed with not one baby, but two = twins, and now is disappointed that they're both boys. How ungrateful and selfish." Trust me - I'm not ungrateful. I think I was honestly in shock because I really thought one would be a girl. Logically there were only 4 possibilities: 1 boy – 1 girl, 1 girl – 1 boy, 2 girls, or 2 boys. So, it was a 25% chance of it being two boys. And a 50% chance of it being both a boy and a girl. Nick and I both really felt it'd be one of each. But we were wrong. (And yes, of course there's always a chance for a girl in the future! We know this!)

I read a few articles and posts online about "gender disappointment" or "gender baby fears" and learned that baby gender expectations are oftentimes rooted in a pregnant woman’s fears of whether or not she will be able to relate to her baby. I came across this writing and it really hit the spot. It was a lot of what I was feeling and gave me comfort that I wasn't the only one to feel this way. It reads, "...The prospect of having a girl eased my fears of motherhood. I truly believed that our shared chromosomal makeup would guarantee me a magical and effortless connection to my child. But with a boy, I didn't have the foggiest idea of what to do or expect. I had little experience, and even less interest, in sports, action figures, and video games. Instead of filling me with joy, the prospect of parenting a son left me feeling like a first-time explorer without a road map."
(Article found at: http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/fetal_development/genetics_gender/article/overcoming-gender-disappointment)

I think this definitely applies to me. You have to understand that I’m a girlie girl. I love to do girl things. I love nail polish, purses, and shoes. I grew up loving dolls, playing house, and dressing up. And I don't really enjoy getting dirty. My mom has 8 sisters, 1 half-sister, 1 brother, and 1 half-brother. I have 3 sisters and 0 brothers. I've only been around girls and so naturally, I dreamed of having a girl of my own to do and experience those things with! I feel as if I may be a bad mother because I don't have any experience with boys.

But I have now realized more that there is so much excitement in this BECAUSE it is all new and I don't have experience with boys. I will have and experience that wonderful mother/son connection that I hear so many people speak of. And if these boys turn out like their father, then what am I afraid of? (Besides 2 little boys who will never stop talking as Nick really likes to talk a LOT! HA!) And if we have two little Nick's running around, what a blessing that will be!

I received a very touching message from a friend that I want to share. She knew I was feeling down and this message pulled on my heartstrings. It's exactly what I needed to hear. I'm so very grateful for her kind words. Thank you, Lisa!! She wrote, "I believe God placed those boys with you for a reason. I think God gives little boys to extra special mommies. He knows these incredible women have the right amount of heart to shape these little men into wonderful husbands and fathers. You have been hand picked, dear Amy. Behind that dirt, baseball glove and monster truck is the makings of an amazing man. God knows you have what it takes."

Nick reassured me that our sons will turn out based on our parenting and upbringing. They won’t be born exactly like anyone else – they’ll be their own unique beautiful boys. So, I don't need to be nervous about the preconceived image of how I think boys will be. Ultimately, I know this is God's plan for our family and I'm confident in that. I'm excited to have these little boys teach me all about what boys do. And I'll show them what I know about being a girl. We'll do "boy" and "girl" things together...how well rounded we will all turn out! What a true adventure this will be. And who knows, maybe the twin boys won't like dirt either...(I can only hope!)

OH BOY, OH BOY!!

Here's an ultrasound photo from today! (It's of their heads, side by side!)

The day has finally arrived! We had our 20 week ultrasound this morning to find out the sexes of the twins. As we left the house, I felt so anxious and nervous. I had been rubbing my belly the last few weeks giving the twins a pep talk to not be shy and show us what they've got! :) And...great news, the precious babies listened to their mommy and daddy! They weren't shy...they definitely showed their stuff!

Drum roll please.......Baby A is a BOY...and Baby B is a boy! WOAH BABY! Both babes are looking healthy and measuring great. Today, I'm 20 weeks and 3 days along. Baby A is measuring 20 weeks 1 day and Baby B is measuring 19 weeks 3 days. They're both laying sideways across my belly with their heads in the same direction. I think they're cuddling, but others think they're wrestling.

I experienced another interesting thing today as I almost passed out while laying down on the exam table! Not too long into the ultrasound, I started feeling very weak, sweaty, and dizzy. (And I've passed out before so I know exactly what it feels like and this was it!) The doctor had me move from my back over to resting on my left side. He said this was normal as laying on your back isn't the best position for someone who's pregnant, especially with twins. It all has to do with blood flow. Your heart rate increases during pregnancy to pump more blood, and as more of your blood supply goes to the uterus, your heart will be working harder to send sufficient blood to the rest of your body. And of course this doubles with twins. And when you're on your back, the weight of your uterus lies on the spine, back muscles, intestines, and major blood vessels. This can lead to impaired circulation, which can reduce circulation to your baby. It can make your blood pressure drop, causing some expectant moms to experience dizziness.

Fortunately, he could keep doing the ultrasound okay from that side position. Nick was fanning me with some papers and I started cooling off. I felt better and moved to laying on my back again. But just a minute later, it all came back again. So back onto my left side again. I swear the weirdest stuff always happens to me. My sister jokes that my body is a medical mystery. I think she's right!

It was amazing to watch the twins move around so much during the ultrasound! I asked our doctor if he was SURE they were both boys. He said, "If those are girls with those things sticking out...we have a problem!" So, boys it is! :) He labeled on the photo printout of Baby B - "I'm a MAN!!!" And on Baby A's, he wrote, "I'm a BETTER MAN!!!". Hilarious!

It's their momma who's getting really big. I'm measuring at 28 weeks today, even though I'm only 20 weeks along. Which is right on track with twins. Keep in mind that when I'm 28 weeks along, my uterus will be about 40 weeks along. (So full term for a pregnancy with a single baby.) This means I will be large and probably start growing out the sides as well instead of just in front! Yikes!

This girlie girl who is afraid of dirt and doesn't know much about sports is quite amazed that she's growing 2 little baby boys. Nick and I both really thought it'd be one girl and one boy. Now begins the picking out of names (Which we are not sharing first names with anyone! You'll just have to wait!), decorating the nursery, buying two of many items, registering, etc. Yippee!! Bring on the boys!

I sure have a lot to learn as I have NO EXPERIENCE with boys! So please send any good advice as I will need it! What a wonderful adventure this will be! Thank you God for healthy precious babies.

Thanks for your continued love and prayers!

Here's Baby B: Definitely a boy! "I'M A MAN!"


Baby A: Definitely a boy! "I'M A BETTER MAN!"

WEEK 18 - 19 SYMPTOM UPDATE

I'm officially 20 weeks today! It's the halfway mark! We have our next doctor's appointment on Thursday to have another ultrasound and find out the sexes of the babies!! I can barely contain myself!! I've been giving the babies a pep talk, rubbing my belly saying, "spread your legs, spread your legs!" Here's a photo of me last week at 19 weeks!



Week 18: The weirdest symptoms I’ve had so far started this week. There’s a heartbeat in my left ear!! Seriously! I looked it up and was thankful that I’m not going crazy. It’s caused by the increased blood flow. Every so often, especially if I’m moving around a lot, I hear and feel this pounding in my left ear. It literally feels as if there’s a heart pounding in my left ear. Very weird!

Also, urinating during the day has become crazy. I feel like it’s all I ever do! (Although getting up to urinate at night has stopped. What a blessing that is! Feels like I sleep so much better without having to get out of bed!)

Week 19: I’ve had some bad bad spurts of heartburn this week. But mostly bothering me have been my feet, as they have been aching a lot this week. They feel sore, as if I need to have support, so I’ve started wearing tennis shoes around the house. But also, my hands and feet have begun to swell. It started when we were on vacation to the Wisconsin Dells this week. I couldn’t even wear my wedding ring there the last day because my fingers were so swollen. And my feet didn’t really even look like my feet. Plus, it doesn’t help that right now it’s 90 degrees and humid here. So, I have been elevating my feet as often as I can but I feel like it doesn’t help anyway. During the day my feet hurt and I want to wear tennis shoes, but I can’t because my feet are swollen and it’s too tight with them on. Now my feet are aching because I can’t wear shoes and they’re swollen. Oh well – bring it on, summer!

WEEK 15 - 17 SYMPTOM UPDATE

Week 15: I still need to get up to urinate every night. Sleeping isn’t as sound as it usually is, as it’s hard to get my belly comfortable. I’ve started using a body pillow and that seems to help a little. My nipples have been very sore lately. Maternity pants are my new best friend. They’re great! For as much as I’m urinating during the day, you can just slip those down so fast without having to zip or button anything, big time saver and very comfortable. Love them! I think I could wear them forever.

Week 16: I’ve had a lot of headaches this week. I wake up with them sometimes in the mornings. I’ve been feeling so tired again, so naps are back! Heartburn has arrived, although it’s very sporadic. Usually occurs more towards late afternoon/early evening time. The best thing this week is that eating is becoming a lot easier. Before I had to eat every 2 hours or else my stomach would ache horribly. I would have to eat before I had the chance to feel sick. Now, I haven’t had to eat as often, but still snack throughout the day. My OB said this most likely due to the higher amount of hormones. With twins, you have more hormones than a singleton, and they last longer. So, it should be tapering off soon.

Week 17: That body pillow is definitely helping. Sleeping is a lot easier and more comfortable. I haven’t had to get up during the night to urinate this week, which seems to definitely improve my sleep! My stomach doesn’t ache during the night when I’m sleeping as much anymore. Big Plus!! But off and on during the day, it still aches. I’ve found I need to lay down after I eat as if to let it all even out. If I sit too long it aches and I need to lay down, which makes it feel better. I’ve also began to start feeling generally achy all over. My lower back aches and I feel sharp pains on the inner sides of both legs when I get up from sitting or move a weird way.

17 Week OB APPOINTMENT

I'm 17 weeks along! I had another check-up appointment today to hear the heartbeats and check my uterus growth. Nick wasn’t able to come to this doctor appointment due to work. (Will probably be the only one he'll miss!) I invited my sister, Jesse, to come along. My 2 year old niece, Cora, came along as well. I don't think Cora really understood what was going on, she was just having fun exploring around the room. I'm so happy Jesse was able to come with, it really meant a lot to have her there with me.

We listened to the babies' heartbeats again. It took awhile to find their heartbeats, as my OB kept finding my heartbeat. It freaked me out while waiting because every time I go in there, I fear that something is wrong with the babies. But he found both heartbeats! It was fun to hear the difference of the heartbeat rhythms as the babies heartbeats were so much faster than mine. Just amazing and beautiful! He said “Baby B” was moving around as he found that heartbeats in a few different areas. (Wait, maybe there's 3 babies in there! HA!) And “Baby A” was stuck right under. Makes me imagine about their personalities already. For some reason I think Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy.

This week I am 17 weeks, but measured at 21.5 weeks. So, those twins are making me grow fast! My belly is really starting to poke out. I feel more and more pregnant now that the belly is really here. I love it! I've gained 6 pounds since my last appointment on April 7th...yikes!

We're now anxiously awaiting our next appointment at the end of the month, which is an ultrasound where we will find out the sexes of the babies! Well...only if they behave and cooperate, that is! Come on twins, show us what you've got! :)

Here's the latest photo of me at 17 weeks preggo with twins!

NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! As many of us know, difficulty conceiving a child is not uncommon. It's estimated that about 7 million couples each year in the United States are unable to become pregnant without medical assistance. That averages to about 1 in every 6 couples. Needless to say, Nick and I are one of those six. After years on infertility, we have been blessed with our first pregnancy…our two miracles babies, fraternal twins.

Infertility shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Be aware, be informed, and be supportive. Please watch this amazing video, which gives a little insight into how someone with infertility may feel.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Here are a few of my favorite infertility links:

www.bethany.org/step/
www.infertilityeducation.org/brochure.html
www.dancinguponbarrenland.com
www.resolve.org
http://www.hannah.org

THIS BLOG IS OFFICIALLY ONLINE

I emailed out the link to this blog to family and friends on April 19th. And in just a little over one week, I’ve received a lot of great feedback and support. Many of those are people saying they know of someone going through infertility and have forwarded it on. And a few who are going through it themselves that I had no idea about! I hope they can all benefit from reading my blog. Wonderful! I was nervous about emailing out this blog link to everyone in my email address book and also on facebook, thinking they might think I’m crazy because I'm way to open about talking about this. But I decided if it helped reach just one more person who needed it, then it was worth it! I'm glad I did!

WEEK 12 - 14 SYMPTOM UPDATE

Week 12: I’ve definitely started showing now. (I finally admit it although the bump actually appeared around week 9 or 10!) The baby (babies) bump has arrived! My lower back is really starting to hurt at certain points in the day if I sit or lay too long. Eating is continuing to becoming easier and my daily naps have cut down, so my energy level has definitely improved!

Week 13: Eating is still my biggest thing. I need to eat every 2 hours and snack often or else I fade fast…very fast. I get very weak and my stomach hurts in a way I’ve never experienced before. The doc said the babies take the food and nutrients they need first, which is great! So of course, I’m the one who ends up getting weak and not getting the nutrients I need. Therefore, I need to stay on top of my eating so it doesn’t get to that point! I’m also very ready for maternity pants and need to go shopping very soon!

Week 14: My upper legs/buttocks are still very sore from the progesterone shots. It’s a numb sort of feeling and if it gets touched it hurts. Also feels bruised but there are no markings. We stopped those about 4 weeks ago and I thought they’d be healed by now. The doctor said what probably happened is when giving the intramuscular shots, some hit veins causing some little blood clots and it’s making the area sore. There’s no reason to fear that it will be a big blood clot and travel to my brain or anything. He said it will go away in time.

I made an exciting purchase this week – a full body pillow for $10. What a deal! I use it to prop under my belly and rest my leg on while sleeping. (Thanks for the advice, Emily!) It really makes laying on my side a lot easier and provides a nice barrier between Nick and I. Ha!

THE FIRST HEARING OF OUR BABIES' HEARTBEATS!

We had another doctor appointment today. I’ve gained 2 pounds since my last appointment so all seems to be going well in that area. But the most exciting thing was that today was the first time we heard the babies’ heartbeats. Who knew that “shwish shwish” sound would be so beautiful? It was like music to our ears! I’m so nervous going into the appointments because I just want both babies to be okay so badly! But hearing those beautiful heartbeats was amazing. It’s really starting to become real that there are 2 little miracle lives growing inside me!

After hearing the heartbeats, I asked the doctor if he was SURE it was really two separate heartbeats. (I’m so paranoid about both of the babies being okay.) He said, “You don’t trust me!?” in a very funny tone. He’s a comical guy – although after this appointment - I think he thinks I’m a spaz! He said to me, “You’re a planner, aren’t you?” After I replied yes, he said, “You’re going to have to stop planning, cause I was one once too before kids and it just doesn’t work!” We all got a good laugh out of that one.

Our doctor also measured my fundal height. (You measure in centimeters how far it is from your pubic bone to your fundus, which is the very top of your uterus.) Basically the number in centimeters should correlate with how many weeks along you are. For example – I’m 13 weeks along, so it should measure 13 centimeters with a single baby. But since there are twins, one’s uterus expands much larger to accommodate two babies. He said I’m measuring 16-17 centimeters, which means my uterus is the size of someone who’s 16-17 weeks along. No wonder I’m showing already! Yikes…this could get very interesting as time passes! Time for some maternity clothes shopping!

We took this photo on Easter morning. About 13 weeks pregnant but measuring around 17 weeks with the twins. Definitely a "babies" bump!

A DOUBLE BLESSING

I’ve accepted that IVF is our path and I am forever grateful because of it. Who would have thought I’d ever say it, but I truthfully feel blessed that I got to experience it this way. It’s absolutely amazing to think these precious babies were grown outside my body and then put back in. And to have the amazing experience to watch those 2 embryos being put back into me on ultrasound during our Embryo Transfer – absolutely breathtaking. Who gets to see their babies that early on? Not many at all!

We have been doubly blessed with twins. We couldn’t be happier and pray that these little babes grow strong and healthy throughout this entire pregnancy. There’s no doubt that we know we have more than enough love to share with both of our little miracles. And we know that for our children, we’d do this entire process all over again.

We have been blessed throughout this entire journey. A few people have mentioned to us after our pregnancy announcement, “Your prayers have finally been answered.” But that’s not entirely all true. Yes, our prayers have been answered, but they have always been answered the entire time. It’s just that this time, it has just been answered in the way we had hoped for, for so long. God has always answered our prayers with a “no,” “yes,” or “wait.” We’ve waited for many years and know God has been with us every step of the way.

Last Christmas, one of our pastor’s wives, Sue, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s an amazing woman and even amongst this trial, she is positive and uplifting. In one of Pastor’s sermons, he spoke of one of Sue’s favorite bibles verses in the book of Revelation, that speaks of “patient endurance.” I’ve really been inspired by this thought of patient endurance. I want to be patient and trusting and to keep moving forward, little by little. I have always hoped and prayed that I would reach a sense of peace and acceptance no matter where our infertility journey would take us. I now know that I want to use our infertility to help others. I know it’s made me even more aware and compassionate of others’ losses and hurts, in every aspect and walk of life.

With my infertility journey and my beautiful double blessings, I want to encourage and inspire others along their journeys. It’s made all the difference to know and trust that my journey is in God’s hands. I hope you know that yours is as well…

WEEK 8 - 11 SYMPTOM UPDATE

Week 8: I’m still exhausted all the time. And I don't just mean tired, I mean EXHAUSTED! People joke with me and say, "Ha. You think you're exhausted now, wait till the babies come." But this is totally different. I know people don't understand and it's hard to explain. No matter how much sleep I get, I just can't function. It depends upon the day but it’s hard to accomplish much on these “bad” days. I generally feel weak all day long. I can’t do much physical activity and need to sit down a lot. I feel so wimpy but I’ve read pregnancy symptoms can be doubled with twins. Double the pain but double the fun, right? Along with feeling week, oftentimes I feel dizzy if I move too fast. Getting ready in the morning proves to be especially difficult. I feel faint and have to sit down and rest often. I’ve resorted to blow drying my hair while sitting down as well!

Week 9: My pants are getting tight. Oftentimes my button isn’t buttoned to allow some extra breathing room. My breasts are very large. Had to go buy a larger bra already…Wow! I’ve had a few headaches here and there, but they’re usually at night so I just sleep it off. I've also joined the prenatal symphony of burps, flatulence, and rumbling tummy.

Week 10: Progesterone shots are DONE! I had my last progesterone shot in the buttock! I’m excited to get some feeling back in my numb legs and the knots/bruises to disappear. I’m generally feeling a little better overall. Food is going down a little easier. And I seem to be gaining a bit of energy back. I still feel weak and need to eat a little something every couple hours.

Week 11: We went on vacation to Tucson, Arizona this week. The two travel days were a little rough on me. I normally do fine on flights, but I guess the babies didn’t seem to agree. We took it easy during the vacation, taking time to head back to the hotel and lay out by the pool daily, so that was nice to help me rested.

Here's a photo of a wine bottle full of needles and syringes that I've used during the IVF process. It was completely full so we had to find a new container for the rest! Now it gets brought to the clinic to be disposed of. Awesome! I'm happy to get ride of that thing!

9 WEEK ULTRASOUND

I just love how the doctor labeled this "two heads are better than one."

Baby A and Baby B just chillin' together on this wonderful Friday!



It’s been a busy week with three appointments at the clinic. I had an appointment with the Nurse Educator on Tuesday, then a Dietitian on Wednesday, and now today, Friday, is our first appointment with our “old” doctor.

The appointment with the Dietitian was interesting. Women who are pregnant with multiples are suggested to have this appointment. We went over my current food intake, what foods are great to eat while pregnant to nourish the baby, what NOT to eat, and generally how many more calories I should be consuming each day. I was excited to see that my current food intake is right on to what I should be having. Guess I eat healthier than I think!

Since our last time at the Owatonna clinic, it has since moved into a brand new building. We were thankful that we didn’t have to go to the same “old” place where we sat so many times wondering if we’d ever be pregnant. Just the site of the old clinic/hospital causes my heart rate to increase. Every appointment had so much hope weighing on it and there was never any guarantee that things would work out. So, it was an amazing feeling to be walking into this new clinic for the first time knowing that we were for sure pregnant. It’s great to start fresh in a place that doesn’t hold so much baggage for us. Brand new feelings for a brand new place….it’s a fresh new start that we have prayed for, for many years.

Seeing our “old” doctor and nurse was such a joyous moment. They were so excited and happy for us. It felt so wonderful to be back with them, as we think the best of them. They are fantastic! We're thankful to be with them as they are sensitive to our journey this far to have this pregnancy.

It was music to our ears when our doctor told us that we will be having an ultrasound every month due to the fact that we’re having twins. Photos of our babies every month…awesome! Sounds fabulous to me!

During this ultrasound, I kept saying, "they're sooo cute" over and over. But it was true - they are so cute!! Baby A and Baby B are measuring right on schedule, although Baby B is a few days bigger than Baby A. Both heartbeats are great in the 140’s and 150’s. We had a special surprise as Baby A waved at us! We were in awe! We’re thinking Baby B is a boy and Baby A is a girl. (Baby A waved at us, so she's a sweetheart and Baby B is bigger so he's the boy!)

This is just all too amazing. What a miracle. We’re just beaming! These are our babies!

Beautiful Baby A

This is referred to the "teddy bear" photo, as at this stage they look like little teddy bears. See Baby B on in the left placenta. Big head, little stump arms and legs. So adorable!

INFERTILITY REALLY CHANGES YOU

Infertility really changes you. It makes you insecure, takes away innocence and adds a lot of fear. There is no way to change that reality, but I try to be aware of it so that I can calm myself whenever that fear and worry builds up about the health of this pregnancy. After all, I have no control....I never have, but being so 'technically' involved with the whole IVF process somehow makes one think that they do.

I think there is always going to be some fear and worry, no matter how you conceive. For those of us who have spent a long time trying to conceive, we are often terrified of losing a baby the moment we are told we're pregnant, because it’s something we thought we might never experience. I would imagine for those who have had a miscarriage, they feel a similar horrible fear. For many people, getting to full term and going through labor and delivery will be the biggest gift ever, no matter how much pain we'll all have to endure. I would imagine that there is no physical pain of childbirth that can trump the emotional hurt of being infertile.

I know I was born to be a mother. I am 100% confident in that! Therefore, I’m trying to apply that confidence to believe that this pregnancy will continue to move along with health and success. For so long I was afraid and tired of disappointment after disappointment, I started thinking that was how it may always be. And then to hear of other friends and acquaintances miscarriages just bring the worry out even more. Needless to say, it’s been a challenge to find that innocence I once had before. I need to believe and trust that at some point, that disappointment will be gone. I need to let the negative thoughts and feelings disappear and let myself trust in the good that is happening right now.

I keep telling myself that there is no need to worry. Worrying is not going to change or help anything. I’m trying to trust in God’s plan knowing that what happens is for the best. So, why worry along the way? I’m just going to try to sit back and enjoy the ride. Whatever will be - will be!(Ha - Easier said than done!!!) But I do think I will slowly get to that point where I can find my faith over fear. The monthly ultrasounds (photos of our babies) and listening to their heartbeats will definitely give me peace.

I pray our dear babies grow strong and healthy. And I promise not to get upset when they're fighting with each other, screaming, and stealing each others toys in a few years. :) (HA HA HA!!)

“Before you were born, I knew you…every day of your life was written in my book.” Psalm 139

EATING FOR 3

Eating for three just seems so funny. Everytime I think about it, I just giggle. But it isn’t as glamorous as you may think, especially during this first trimester. It’s hard to consume more calories when you’re having trouble enough getting much of anything down. My stomach feels so empty and I’m weak and know I need to eat, but once I start eating, it’s as if my stomach just closes and won’t let any more in. It’s the weirdest feeling. You want to eat, but your stomach won’t let you. That is just cruel. This is proving to be difficult since I adore food so much and eating has always been one of my most favorite hobbies! I miss my food…

But, I imagine it will be much more fun during the second trimester when my appetite is a little more normal. We’ll see how this weight gain goes. For a single baby pregnancy, the average weight gain is 25-35 pounds. With twins, the average weight gain suggested is 35-45 pounds. Um…wow…this will be interesting.

At our first appointment here in Owatonna, the doctor told us some lovely news. At 28 weeks, my uterus (with twins) will be the same size as a pregnant woman full term at 40 weeks with a single baby. Oh wow…can that really be!?! I have a feeling the late summer may be interesting with me wobbling around.

But don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining. I’m taking this all in and enjoying every second. I’ve waited a long time to have these “yuck” feelings of a pregnancy. I’ll go through anything for these little babes.

JOINING THE “PREGNANCY CLUB” BUT FEELING LIKE A TRAITOR

I’ve often wondered how I would feel joining the “pregnancy club” in response to leaving the “infertility world.” For so long I would roll my eyes at the easily impregnated fertile women out there. And I even admit to being saddened to the infertiles that became pregnant and left me in the dust. Please don’t think I’m a bad person, because although I wish I had never had those feelings, I know I couldn’t have stopped them. I understand that it is a “normal” feeling.

Even though I’m always joyous to hear of a pregnancy because I believe all babies are miracles, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that was saddened at another’s happy news. You can be honestly happy for other people, and at the same time, feel jealous or sad. And what makes the envy even worse is the guilt and shame we feel about ourselves for having these emotions. It makes you feel like a horrible person on top of all the pain that already exists from the infertility. I don’t think these feelings make you a hypocrite or a bad person, it just makes you human. And everyone has experienced and can relate to that in some way.

Now that I’ve crossed over from being “infertile” to “pregnant,” I feel a sense of being a traitor. I'm struggling with many mixed emotions. It’s a bazaar thing and I know it will be hard for others to understand unless they’ve been through it themselves. Part of me feels like now I am one of those resented pregnant people among the infertility community of friends I have that once made me feel so supported and not alone. I know how I felt when friends of mine joined the pregnant club and left me behind to wallow in my self-pity of infertile-ness. It sucked. And the last thing I want to do is hurt other people going through infertility issues. Because I know exactly how it feels. Been there – done that.

I feel so blessed to be in the “pregnant club,” but I am definitely aware of how my good news may affect others who are still waiting to get their positive results. I pray that those people will find renewed hope, strength, and faith in my infertility story.

So, yes, I’ve joined the “pregnant club” and am a proud member. But I’ll always be a part of the “infertility club” too. And I’ll forever be a proud member of that as well. Infertility has crushed me, tested me, and broken my heart. But it has also uplifted, empowered, and changed me for the better. And I’ll never leave it behind…

A LETTER TO OUR BABIES

Dear babies,

Words cannot express how much we love you and how grateful we are to be awaiting your arrival. We’ve grown you in our hearts for many years…we saw you as embryos when you were first conceived and now what an amazing blessing to see your first photo. There you both are, just hanging out in your own little placentas, so close to each other. We imagine that you are the best of friends already. We are so in love with you, just as we have been for the past three years of waiting for you… our little miracles.

As much grief and hardship this road has been to finally have you, we never gave up on our faith and hope that God would see us through. We feel confident in knowing that God has a special plan for our family. We pray you stay strong and grow to be healthy babies and no matter what, we know God will watch over you. You two behave in there on your in-utero adventure: learn to share, play nicely, and hold each other close. There isn’t a single ounce of doubt about how much we want and love you both. And we can’t wait to hold you in our arms…

We love you!
your Mommy and Daddy

THIS IS TWINS TERRITORY! Yes, we're expecting TWINS!

We live in Minnesota and are big MN Twins Baseball Fans! So, naturally we announced our exciting news of having twins playing off the phrase of, “This is Twins Territory!” So, here’s a photo of me with the logo taped to my belly and Nick holding the ultrasound photos!


Our first ultrasound photo. The most beautiful blobs we've ever seen!


My intuition has proved to be correct – our ultrasound confirmed today that we are having TWINS! Two placentas + two heartbeats = two babies!

We were so relieved to have the ultrasound today. We just wanted to know everything was okay with the baby or babies. The ultrasound was amazing! Seeing these little embryos was indescribable. They are the most beautiful precious little blobs we’ve ever seen in our lives. The heartbeats are strong and the babies sizes are measuring right on schedule. I have faith in my body and faith in our twins.

One of our doctors gave us the “Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy“ book that they give to women when they become pregnant. This was an exciting moment! For us and for her, the doctor, because they want to see their patients become pregnant! I made a comment in front of all the nurses and the doctor that this was "ONE EXPENSIVE BOOK!" They all laughed!

As we said our goodbyes and walked out of the Department of Endocrinology and Infertility at Mayo, we were amazed at all we had been through. And as awesome as it was to finally be leaving there, (knowing we may never be back there or at least not until another round of IVF) we were a bit sad. After all, these were the people that got us pregnant! So many appointments full of disappointments but full of even more hope. And through it all, we are so very thankful for everyone there with their fantastic medical expertise and caring personalities.

"Look back and thank God. Look forward and trust God. Look around and serve God. Look within and find God! God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can close."

RED LIGHT – GREEN LIGHT

These weeks leading up to our first ultrasound have been interesting. It’s been a slow three weeks to say the least! It feels like we’re stuck seeing that yellow light…just waiting for time to speed up instead of slowing down. Honestly it still hasn’t all quite sunk in yet that we really are pregnant. I’m thinking after seeing the baby on the ultrasound tomorrow it will make it all seem real!

During the first week after finding out “We’re Pregnant!”, I went through some denial. Red light – stop! I wasn’t quite sure if this was really happening. I had lots of anxiety worrying that something would happen to the baby and I would miscarry. I didn’t want to feel this way and tried not to, but ultimately I think that I had been so used to disappointments that even after this wonderful news, I was still so worried something would probably go wrong. I wasn’t allowing myself to fully celebrate. In fact, when we told people I was pregnant, in a way, I felt like I wasn’t really even telling the truth…because I didn’t “feel” pregnant.

I kept wondering if I really truly was still pregnant. I got to imagining about how I wished there was one easy way to always tell that you were still pregnant and the baby was okay. Wouldn’t that be nice! I decided a light coming out of your belly button would do the trick. Green means baby is great (GO!), yellow means caution: go see the doctor (SLOW DOWN!), and red means bad: an emergency (STOP!). Now if only there was a way I could invent and copyright that!

It wasn’t until this third week that it dawned on me, “Seriously Amy, stop kidding yourself - you really are pregnant!!” Green light – Go! This is really happening! I figured I’d stop worrying because my body is definitely changing. (I mean, if I’m not pregnant, then I must have some horrible disease, because by body is going through some CRAZY changes!)

My symptoms thus far:

Week 3: (Week before we found out if we were pregnant.)
My breasts are extremely sore and my nipples feel as if they could literally break off if accidentally touched. Lots of cramping…feels like the onset of menstrual cramps that I have every month. (Which makes me feel as if this first round of IVF has failed.) My left leg has been numb and sore from the progesterone shots in my butt. (We’re not sure if Nick accidentally hit a nerve while giving me a shot?) Knots are building up inside on both sides of my buttocks from the daily shots in the same areas. At times it’s hard to sit on either side. My butt feels very bruised and sore.

Week 4: (Found out we’re PREGNANT!)
Horrible stomach pains…must be indigestion. Feels like I worked out hard and pulled muscles in my stomach. I'm very bloated and stomach is hard to the touch – feels very full. Sporadic heartburn and the extreme indigestion has traveled up to my shoulders, which has made my shoulders have stinging pain on both sides.

Week 5:
Hello frequent urination! My stomach pains have gone away (YES!). No bloating this week but abs still feel sore. I also now have a numb left hand. (I read this can occur – carpal tunnel syndrome.) A few days of cramping all day. It is the same feeling as menstrual cramps, which makes me extremely nervous, but it is a sign of your uterus enlarging. I now wake up daily with an aching stomach. I feel very weak and my stomach feels empty like I need to eat, but I can barely get myself to eat one slice of peanut butter toast.

Week 6:
My biggest symptom is extreme exhaustion. And I don’t just mean “tired,” I mean EXHAUSTED. I sleep 9 to 10 hours every night and usually take a 1-2 hour nap daily. It’s hard to find energy to accomplish much. (How do people still work full time while being pregnant?) I am feeling numbness/soreness in my left elbow this week along with my left hand. I am constantly thirsty and therefore, drink a lot of fluids. I’ve started having to get up during the night to urinate. I’ve noticed smells are a lot more distinct. Nothing smells bad, I simply notice smells easier. I really like that…so far!

Week 7:
I still have the numb left hand. I think it’s feeling better, that or else I’m just getting used to it. I’m still very exhausted. This week I’ve started feeling bits of nausea throughout the day. Therefore, I’ve had a few days of literally laying around all day. I don’t really feel that hungry and I have to remind myself to eat every couple hours, because if I don’t I feel week and my stomach starts to hurt. Plus food just doesn’t taste very good, which makes eating even more difficult. My stomach feels so empty and I know I need to eat, but I can barely force myself to get food down.

I know I need to get over this and not let this “infertility fear” ruin my pregnancy fun. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s in God’s hands. Every night I lay my hand over my lower stomach and pray to God that He takes care of our baby. I’ve dreamed of doing that for years…there’s really a baby (or babies!) in there. AHH!!!

There’s no way to describe my excitement for tomorrow’s ultrasound. I know seeing the baby on ultrasound will be such an amazing experience for Nick and I. And the biggest news will be finding of if there’s more than one baby making a home! Up until now, only our closest family and friends know of our pregnancy. So we’re very anxious to let the rest of the world know after tomorrow’s news!

PROGESTERONE SHOTS WITH NURSE NICK

The progesterone shots with Nick are hilarious. We have a little ritual that we go through in order for it to work. I lay down on my side on the floor. (I switch cheeks every other day for the shot in my buttocks.) With the syringe all prepared, he uses the technique to find the correct area. Usually his hands are freezing cold. (That’s some useless information for you!)

Once he uses an alcohol wipe to clean the area, he asks, “Are you ready?” I say, “yes” and then proceeded to laugh hysterically. He’ll ask again, and if I don’t laugh, then he usually laughs. We do this about 3 or 4 times, then he finally pokes the needle in and massages the area while he’s injecting the oil. I guess we just need to get that nervousness out of our systems. It usually doesn’t hurt but it depends upon the day. The key is to jab the needle in like a dart because if you go too slow, that’s when it stings horribly.

Oh, gotta go, it’s 8:30pm. Time for my progesterone shot with Nurse Nick. Let the nervous laughter begin…

EMBRYO CYROPRESERVATION - "Frozen Embryo Daycare"

Before our Egg Retrieval, we made arrangements to do embryo cyropreservation. Mayo’s IVF laboratory is a “leader” in this, which is the freezing of embryos. Embryos are the when the egg and sperm are together. It’s then later referred to as the fetus. The reason you freeze the embryos is so that you already have those ready for future IVF’s. For example, if we do IVF again in the future, we simply do the “EMBRYO TRANSFER” and I don’t have to go through the “EGG RETRIEVAL” again…which is what most of the medications are required for. So, a future IVF wouldn’t be as invasive and drug filled! Mayo will keep our embryos for 3 months, then they get shipped up to the cities to be cryopreserved. We pay for storage, so it’s like an embryo daycare!

Since we have these embryos, you have to decide and sign ahead of time as to what they will do with the embryos if you get divorced, one of us dies, or both of us die. That was weird to think about – sort of like a will for your embryos!

Interesting to think we still have 8 frozen babies waiting for us in frozen embryo daycare…

NOT AT ALL WHAT I EXPECTED…BUT I COULD CARE LESS!

Through the years of imagining of when we’d become pregnant, we thought we had it figured out how exactly it would all occur. We’d take a pregnancy test at home together and see those two beautiful pink solid lines together for the first time EVER. We knew exactly how we’d tell our family and friends, on our time, as a complete surprise to them all. And honestly, we thought we’d just get pregnant on our own, in-between all the fertility treatments.

None of those came true!

After IVF, we weren’t allowed to take a pregnancy test because of the fact that the fertility drugs in my system could give me a false positive or a false negative. Instead, I went in for a blood test and had to wait hours knowing that SOMEONE at Mayo already knew if I was pregnant or not, long before I did. And many of our family and friends knew we were doing in-vitro, so they knew exactly when we were to find out. No surprise there! (And of course we didn’t get pregnant on our own like I had imagined so many times.)

And even though it wasn’t like we had imagined or planned, it was just as sweet. And we couldn’t have cared less.

REMINDER TO SELF: I CHOSE THIS!

Nick getting the progesterone oil shot prepared!


Close-up of the needle. Yup, those suckers are LONG!


The progesterone shots are really making my butt and thighs sore. I had a few bruises but those are slowly fading. I can really feel it in the muscles on the outer sides of both my legs. They’re very sore and uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s hard to sit on one butt cheek or the other depending upon where my last shot was.

And I’m growing knots inside my skin from the constant injections in the same area. We had a little incident on the 4th day that Nick gave me the shot. We didn’t feel the knot and when he gave me the injection, the needle must have hit it and so it didn’t go in. So he pulled back. This hurt really bad and stung. It almost felt like I had a deep cut. I can’t see it when he’s doing it, so I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t move because it felt like the needle was still in me. I was mad and made the mistake of telling him I didn’t trust him anymore. (As if that would help the situation at all.) We tried to calm down, he did it again and it worked fine.

But not even an hour later, my left leg started feeling numb and itchy. For the next two days, it felt the same way. It felt like the kind of numbness you might have after being outside for a long time on a very cold day, when you come back inside and it feels numb and cool and itchy. I was worried he hit a nerve and something bad was going to happen. I don’t know what, maybe that’d I’d have to have my leg amputated or something. Who knows, but I was paranoid for the worst. I decided I’d just deal with it and hope it went away soon.

It’s been over 7 days now and it still feels sore and achy like a deep bruise. But it doesn’t feel numb anymore. I think I might survive. It feels similar on my right side now, but not nearly as bad. I just hope it all goes away soon.

But, ultimately, I have to remind myself that these progesterone shots were my idea. I chose this!

The “norm” for progesterone after IVF is vaginal suppositories. I had done these with previous treatments at Mayo and I absolutely despised them. For those you have to insert a suppository into your vagina twice a daily, every morning and night following an IUI. They are so gross. Sorry for the visual but they slowly dissolve and leak out. So, imagine something leaking out of your crotch all day long and all night long. It even made it hard to sleep at night. It’s just such an uncomfortable feeling…sort of like you’re peeing your pants 24/7.

They told me that for IVF, you’d have to do these suppositories even more, three times a day. When I asked if there was an alternative and found out I could do shots instead of the suppositories, I was relieved. Thank goodness. I’ll take a little pain over that grossness anytime. Then I found out they were intramuscular shots…butt shots with long needles. It made me think about it more, but ultimately I realized that would be worth it! Bring on the shots!

Jesse did these shots for the first 7days. With Jesse’s guidance, Nick tried his first time giving the shot on January 26th. He did it! We did one more night with Jesse watching. Then on Thursday, the 28th, we were out of town, so we had to do it on our own. I’m still alive so I guess he passed the test. Way to go, Nick!

As the days pass, it’s getting easier. Nick’s quite the good shot giver now! (Nick is an Optometrist…so he goes by either Dr. Vincelli and sometimes Dr. Nick.) But, I should call him Nurse Nick now instead of Doctor Nick!

JUST RELAX: (Ha…good one!)

One of the hardest comments I received time and time again was, “Just relax.” You tell me to not be stressed out and relax, but this comment just creates even more stress upon me. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, when there is a physical issue preventing us from becoming pregnant. But, it’s not my fault. And unfortunately, relaxation is not going to cure infertility. According to the “ASRM”, (American Society of Reproductive Medicine) there isn’t any proof that stress causes infertility.

I can guarantee my relaxing is not going to change the outcome. Now, after a positive pregnancy with IVF treatment, I can tell you that during my entire journey with infertility, my stress level didn’t go away. Sure it fluctuated, but relaxing wasn’t the magic cure that ultimately made me pregnant. In fact, I think my stress level was probably the highest it was during our IVF. And I still became pregnant.

It’s so early in my pregnancy that if I had conceived naturally, I may not have even contacted a doctor yet. Or I may not even be aware that I'm even pregnant! But in my reality, I have gone to the doctor 10 times in the last month. With multiple blood tests, ultrasounds, shots, egg retrieval surgery, and an embryo transfer, I’ve been as involved as I could possibly be. We even watched our two embryos being put back into me on the screen. Now that isn’t the typical conception experience!

Going through In Vitro Fertilization turns one’s focus to medical details like ovulation, the size of follicles, egg fertilization, blood HcG, uterine lining thickness, progesterone levels and on and on and on. We know so much of what can go wrong. So, that’s why we’re so paranoid that something will happen! Every little thing needs to be just right. This why becoming pregnant is an absolute miracle! What a true gift from God!

So, yes, I can try to relax. But no, it’s probably not going to happen. Because if I relax, I feel like I’ve giving up. And I need to think about it. I need to keep trying.

I’ve come to realize that God’s in control, not my emotions or stress level. So even if I’m stressed, God’s in charge.

DREAMING OF PREGNANCY

I’ve done a lot of daydreaming during these years of infertility. But for the first time…today…I am dreaming of these “pregnancy” events knowing that they will for sure happen! What an incredible feeling, that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to experience.

So, today, I’m dreaming of…nope, not dreaming, this is for real now! – I’m looking forward to these special happenings of pregnancy…

Telling all my family and friends
Hearing the baby’s heartbeat
Seeing the baby on an ultrasound
Feeling the baby kick
Shopping for maternity clothes
Searching for baby names
Researching baby products
Painting the nursery
Decorating the nursery
Making crafts for the nursery
Buying diapers

Today I did a few things that meant a lot to me…a few things I’ve been waiting for years to do…

I pulled out the diaper bag hidden under my bed that I purchased last year and put it around my shoulder. I took a pre-natal vitamin for the FIRST TIME EVER knowing FOR SURE that I was pregnant. I signed up for a free baby magazine.
I pulled out the pregnancy books I’ve bought at rummage sales. I flipped through a baby name book. I smiled and laughed at the “expectant mother” parking space at HyVee for the first time (usually I just glared at them.) I walked through the baby aisle at Target with a whole different feeling than ever before. I imagined someone calling me, “Mom.”

THE DAY WE'VE DREAMED OF...

After 3 years, 3 months, and 18 days… (1, 206 days – 28,944 hours - or 1,736,640 minutes)

and 45 doctor appointments, 9 blood tests, 20 vaginal ultrasounds, 11 kinds of fertility medications, 62 shots, 151 pills, 1 Hysterosonography, 1 Hysterosalpingogram, 5 inter-uterine inseminations (IUI’s), 1 egg retrieval surgery, 10 fertilized embryos, and 1 in-vitro (IVF) embryo transfer…

and 1,206 pre-natal vitamins…and 38 negative pregnancy tests…

AND countless prayers and a miracle from God…

We are PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

TODAY IS THE DAY

Even though yesterday I wanted to fast forward the time, today I feel like stopping it. Do I really want to know? What if it’s the news I so desperately do not want to hear? Driving home from Mayo after my blood test this morning was torturous. All I could think was that someone there most likely already knew if I was pregnant or not. And I had to still wait at least 4 more hours until we found out.

Nick had the afternoon off from work. So we tried to keep occupied until 2pm, when we could call the Lab Talk Hotline for our results. We only lasted until about 1pm before we started calling. The first time we called, my hands were shaking so bad, I could barely punch in the numbers on my cell phone. Then I punched “send” instead of the “pound” key so I had to start all over again. My chest was pounding and then calmed down after it said, “no messages.” We actually called 5 more times after that. And ever single time it said, “no messages.”

By 2:15pm, we were so anxious and wondered why there wasn’t a message yet. Finally at 2:20pm, my cell rang and it was the outgoing Mayo phone number. AHHH! This is it!! As I answered and heard a familiar voice, I didn’t know what to feel. It was my sister’s friend, who is a nurse in the infertility department. (I had thought perhaps she would be the one to leave a message, not knowing if that would be good because she’d want to be the one to tell us the wonderful news or bad, because she wanted to be the one to tell us the sad news.) She asked how I was doing and I said, “I’m freaking out.” She then asked, “Are you sitting down?” I replied yes and she proceeded to say the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard…”You’re pregnant.” I started crying…and then laughing…and then crying again. Nick was sitting next to me, listening and as I looked over I saw the matching tears in his eyes. We couldn’t believe it. We are going to have a baby!

The first thing I did after hanging up the phone was run to the bathroom to take a home pregnancy test. Those two pink lines were the most beautiful lines I’ve ever seen. Would I be a weirdo if I just carried this pee stick in my purse or pocket until the baby comes? Of course I know the answer to that, so I won’t do it. (But I did contemplate it.) I made a compromise and it’s sitting on the island in the kitchen where I can walk past and gawk at it many times a day!

Tomorrow = BEST day or WORST day

How do you prepare yourself for what is to possibly be the happiest day of your life or one of the worst days of your life? I don’t think you really can. Emotions have been high for the last 10 days. As I pace around the house, I would do anything to be able to fast forward time to tomorrow afternoon. At least I’ll know the answer. I can’t sit still, I’m so fidgety. Good thing Nick is at work or I’d be driving him crazy too.

I sit here pondering about what it'd be like to wake up one morning and think, “Hmm, I haven't seen my period in a while." Then take a home pregnancy test and be surprised. "Wow! We're expecting!! No wonder my period is 7 days late!" How wonderful that must be instead of feeling like a ticking time bomb through every grueling minute of our wait to find out if our thousands and thousands of dollars spent will result in happiness.

So, I just keep waiting and waiting for the time to pass...

SECRET MISSION

The infertility department isn't "open" on the weekends at Mayo, but they are for those doing IUI's or IVF since you still need to come in for blood tests and ultrasounds according to your cycle! So, it's like “mission impossible” when you go in on Saturday or Sundays because the lights are all off and there's only a nurse and doctor there. It's like it's a secret meeting or something. You feel as if you’re trespassing!

Nick would have to meet a guard in another building to be escorted to the special place for sperm samples, because it wasn’t open. Then we’d go to the Infertility Dept. and wait around in the dark. It was just crazy! You feel like you’re in a ghost town, but rather a ghost clinic!

For both of our IUI’s at Mayo, my cycle landed them on weekends. (Which worked out nice for Nick’s work schedule.) And during our IVF cycle, we had some ultrasounds on the weekend as well. So, we did a few of these “secret missions.” And they were sort of fun!

LESSONS LEARNED FROM INFERTILITY: (MY CONTINUALLY GROWING LIST)

I’ve learned that unintentional hurts come from loving but uninformed acquaintances.

I’ve learned that nothing is really as scary as I imagine it to be.

I’ve learned not to take everything so seriously or personally.

I’ve learned to stop planning so much for the future and enjoy the present by living in the moment.

I’ve learned that sometimes just putting your feet on the ground and one in front of the other, is enough.

I’ve learned that a lot of goodness can come from the unknown.

I’ve learned that people who are there for you the most, oftentimes are the people you’d least expect.

I’ve learned that the people you’d expect to be there for you the most, oftentimes are there the least.

I’ve learned that life offers far more good than the bad.

I’ve learned that the friends you thought would be there for you may let go of you, which makes you feel unworthy and unloved.

I’ve learned that even though you want no one to have to go through this – it helps to know someone who is. Because then you don’t feel so alone. Anything to help you not feel so lonely.

I’ve learned that even though I might not want to attend a baby shower – I still want to be invited. Because it hurts much worse to find out about it later.

I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned how to react and respond to people who say insensitive things.

I’ve learned that I have more patience, strength, and resilience that I ever imagined.

I learned I’m glad I didn’t track of the number of hours total that I’ve waited for doctor appointments, the number of miles driven in the car to appointments, or the number of hours on hold on the telephone.

I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that I have a lot to be proud of.

I’ve learned and gained a deeper love, devotion, and appreciation for my husband due to the trials we’ve faced together.

I’ve learned to stop looking at the piles and piles of hospital/clinic statements, bills, and prescription sheets.

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broke, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

THE IVF PLUNGE!

I found this online and wow…what a wonderful writing by Laura Mitchell. It is so true!! Hilarious! :)

"The IVF Plunge" Copyright © 1997 Laura W. Mitchell

The latest.... The greatest.... Come ride the spectacular new roller coaster, now open at an IVF clinic near you! Take...THE IVF PLUNGE!
Thrills! Chills! Stabs! Jabs! Laughs! Screams! What makes THE IVF PLUNGE so unique is that it is actually several rides in one! But not all riders will experience all the rides - automatic track switchers randomly select cars to go on any particular sequence. In addition, selection of a clinic also results in different protocols, behavior, treatment, cost and support. So THE IVF PLUNGE is never the same ride twice!

For more details, read on....
Some riders will experience thrills on the INSURANCE ride! Swinging you around, upside down and inside out, a brass ring of coverage will be tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last minute! For those riders who manage to snatch the brass ring, a FREE RIDE on THE IVF PLUNGE is available! (Provided they meet certain restrictions.) Riders who don't grab the brass ring get a consolation prize - a ride on the CASH attraction! Whether maxing out the credit cards, taking a second loan on the house, or sponging off of future grandparents, this is a ride that you will remember for the rest of your life as you struggle to pay off the debt!!
A new attraction for PCO (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) sufferers has recently been added - called DAY ONE. This ride starts with the well-known classic DAY ONE - a big draw in the INFERTILITY group of attractions - and ratchets the anticipation UP!!! Will YOU meet the cut-off date??? Then of course there is the Day 3 FSH - do YOUR ovaries have what it takes?

The first part of the main ride is familiar to those who've been to the INFERTILITY attractions before – OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits)! But the intensity is GREATER - the highs are higher and the lows are lower and the kits are even HARDER to read!! But it all pays off as you move into....
MEDICATIONS! This is the most intense part of THE IVF PLUNGE, described by visitors as the ride from hell!! Whether your shots are sub-cutaneous or intramuscular, you won't want to miss the artificial menopause brought on by lupron, and don't forget THE HORRORMONES! You think you've done injectibles before? You think you're a pro? THINK AGAIN!! With HIGHER levels of injectibles, and DAILY monitoring, this is where the nightmare becomes reality! Then who can forget the terror of HYPERSTIMULATION, one of those random side trips! Another random side trip, POOR RESPONSE, has a chance of ending your ride early!!! Just another sense of anticipation! Can YOU make it through this part of the ride?

If so, it's on to RETRIEVAL AND TRANSFER. This ride is unique in that NO TWO PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING!! Some will sail through with arms raised, careening into the next sequence. Others will be shunted off due to poor egg or sperm quality, incomplete fertilization, or fragmented embryos! Your heart will be in your mouth as you await the phone call telling you how many embryos made it! And will you be sick with anticipation, or is that a reaction to the anesthesia???

Then the TWO WEEKS FROM HELL. Words cannot describe this phenomenon! With daily intramuscular shots of progesterone in oil, this is probably the most painful part of the ride! The highs and lows are even more intense, as you are surrounded by well-meaning but offensive friends and relatives saying "Well?" and otherwise telling you what you SHOULD have done. NOTHING you have experienced in the two week wait of prior cycles will prepare you for this!! You will laugh, cry, scream - all at the same time!

You will feel suspended in time as you wait for.....THE TEST. The most anticipated part of the ride!!! Some random number (depending on clinic stats) will PASS!! Those lucky riders will go on to the PREGNANCY ride, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, changes, and risks! Those who receive a negative beta-HCG are not left out though. They will descend a huge drop of what will seem like ten miles in about 10 seconds!! The misery and tears will be just the beginning, as pregnant women and women with babies and adorable toddlers will be EVERYWHERE! But never fear, because for only thousands of dollars you can once again -Take THE IVF PLUNGE!!!

"The IVF Plunge" Copyright © 1997 Laura W. Mitchell

INFERTILITY: THE ULTIMATE WAITING GAME

I wait in the waiting room for countless appointments. I wait for test results. I wait for treatments. I wait for my cyst to go away so we can continue on to the next treatment. I wait for Nick to be back in town, so he’s around for my next treatment according to my cycle. I wait for my insurance to go through because my bill was charged wrong again. I wait on hold on the telephone with the doctor. I wait on hold on the telephone with my insurance company. I wait on hold on the phone while ordering my fertility drugs from a specialty pharmacy out of town. I wait for my fertility drugs to arrive. I wait to find out if my follicles are big enough. I wait in the pre-op room for surgery. I wait to find out if our embryos are fertilizing. I wait for pregnancy. I wait for my period not to come. I wait…

MY MIRACLE NURSE - MY SISTER

She loves to inflict pain upon others. (Just kidding!)


My miracle nurse is my sister, Jesse. She's been my best friend for my whole life. (Along with my other sisters!) Who would have thought through all our trials and tribulations that we'd grow up to experience this together. I say "together" because I know she felt many emotions along with me through the entire process. And I say "together" because she was there with me every step of the way. But honestly we've pretty much done everything together our whole lives, so why stop now?

I know I couldn't have gone through IVF without her. What a blessing to have a Mayo nurse for my big sis. And to live just a few blocks away from her to help me with all my shot medications. We went over everything over and over to make sure we understood it all. Wait, who am I kidding, it was more like she went over and over it to make sure she understood it all as I stood there scared out of my mind. With each injection, she double and sometimes tripled checked the amounts.

Jesse, thank you for helping me, for supporting me, and for always loving me. Thank you for listening, giving me advice, and telling me when to chill. Thank you for letting me love your children as if they were my own. Thank you for drying my tears and holding me until they stopped. I can't thank you enough for helping to get me pregnant. I love you! Thank you for being my big sis, my friend, my heart...

I wish I could truly express how much you mean to me. This poem makes me tear up every time I read it. It's how I think of you, Erin, & Corrie!

My Sister by Lisa Lorden

My sister is my heart.
She opens doors to rooms
I never knew were there,
Breaks through walls
I don't recall building.
She lights my darkest corners
With the sparkle in her eyes.

My sister is my soul.
She inspires my wearied spirit
To fly on wings of angels
But while I hold her hand
My feet never leave the ground.
She stills my deepest fears
With the wisdom of her song.

My sister is my past.
She writes my history
In her eyes I recognize myself,
Memories only we can share.
She remembers, she forgives
She accepts me as I am
With tender understanding.

My sister is my future.
She lives within my dreams
She sees my undiscovered secrets,
Believes in me as I stumble
She walks in step beside me,
Her love lighting my way.

My sister is my strength
She hears the whispered prayers
That I cannot speak
She helps me find my smile,
Freely giving hers away
She catches my tears
In her gentle hands.

My sister is like no one else
She's my most treasured friend
Filling up the empty spaces
Healing broken places
She is my rock, my inspiration.
Though impossible to define,
In a word, she is...my sister.

Only your sister would give you a shot in your buttcheeks. Now that's true love!

FINANCES: The Infertility Gamble

The financial burdens from infertility are indescribable. The results are not guaranteed, it’s a gamble. And many couples have zero coverage for reproductive technology. While others I’ve heard of having $25,000 lifetime coverage. As you can tell, it greatly varies across the entire country.

I’m currently on COBRA health insurance, from my last job. We were blessed enough while going through our first initial attempts at our IUI’s to have some insurance coverage, which helped out tremendously. But was still very expensive. After my 5th failed IUI, we found out my insurance had switched to cover an $8000 lifetime max toward any ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), with a $3500 medication lifetime max toward ART. We were overjoyed! This meant we could go ahead with IVF, as before none was covered. Of course we’re already past those lifetime maximums, but we’re not complaining. It’s better than nothing!

After 18 months of COBRA coverage, you are kicked off and need to find an individual plan. We were under the impression that when my COBRA was done in May, I would have to find that individual plan. Which then means that you can’t have a baby for 18 months, in order to have full delivery coverage. (It’s sort of considered a “pre-existing condition” otherwise. Fortunately, we received great news that there’s a portability clause, which allows me to stay on the same plan with similar benefits, and it’s cheaper. We can still have my delivery covered when the baby comes in October. What a blessing we’ve spent so much time worrying about!

Obviously the expenses would be so much easier if the results were guaranteed. But they’re not. Most clinics have a 50% success rate with IVF. It’s a gamble. It’s throwing your money out there and taking a chance. But honestly we made the decision that we’d spend anything to have a chance to at our baby.

WAITING TO BE EXPECTING

Can you find the "baby" in this photo? I love this picture!

We’ve been “waiting to be expecting” for longer than we’d like. And these next particular 12 days of “waiting to be expecting” are by far, the longest and hardest we’ve ever experienced.

I think nearly all would agree that the most agonizing time of any IVF cycle is the two-week-wait after your Embryo Transfer. After your IVF transfer, you have to wait 12 days before you go back in for a blood test to reveal if you are pregnant or not. The constant poking and prodding is replaced by a big void you have to fill while under instructions to rest and relax. Talk about cruelty. It’s about the worst thing you can do to a wannabe parent! It’s like someone telling you, “Just wait 288 hours and you’ll know.” What? 288 hours. That’s like forever! And relax…yeah right. The thing that would relax me the most right now is to drink a few glasses of wine, but that’s obviously not an option. So what now? I just pray and pray and pray and find myself hoping these little babies really will make a nice cozy home in my uterus.

You try to completely trust in your body and God. That together they’ll make these babies survive implantation. I prayed and prayed, but I found this difficult because this time I was desperately praying for what I was wanting so badly, not for what God wanted for me. If we could be assured that once, just once we’d become pregnant, this waiting game would be a little less stressful. But of course there are no guarantees and no magic ball showing the outcome. So we just keep playing the waiting game until our day comes.
After IVF, you are advised to stay away from doing any activities involving twisting or not to lift anything over 25 pounds. Every sudden move I made, I thought maybe I shook those babies right out of place. I thought maybe I should just lay around in bed all day in order for maximum results! I’m not even kidding when I say I didn’t want to pee too hard, laugh too hard, or sneeze too hard! One day, my niece, Cora, jumped on my lower stomach while I was laying on the floor. I imagined the embryos shooting right out from my uterus, through my vagina. Ahh, scary! I sure hope those babies held on tight!

Now that I think of it, someone should really invent a way to be frozen in time, just sleeping or something, and then be woken up right when it was time for the results. How sweet would that be!? But since that can’t be done, I guess we just continue our 288 hours of “waiting to be expecting.”

EMBRYO TRANSFER

Nick in his special scrubs! Ready for the Embryo Transfer!



After our Embryo Transfer! Come on babies...make a nice home!


We had our Embryo Transfer this morning at Mayo. And amazingly not much nerves...mostly excitement!!!!!

We left early because we had to drive in the freezing rain! (Seems there always bad weather when we need to drive there!) We checked into the hospital at 8:30am, I took a Valium, and relaxed in the room. (The Valium actually didn't do anything to me. They said some people get loopy and some don't, but I didn't feel any different. Guess I can handle my drugs! HA!) We watched a movie, "The Proposal” to pass the time. At 10am, they wheeled me down into pre-op and Nick got to come along in his sexy scrubs, booties, cap, and mask! I was so glad he was able to see the rooms I was in on Tuesday and experience this with me. The Embryologist said our embryos were right on schedule and growing great.

They were all the same group of nurses and doctors that were with me on Tuesday. I have a "grandpa" crush on my favorite doctor there...meaning I wish he was my grandpa. He is such an amazing doctor and it doesn't hurt that he has a wonderful accent! The nurses had told me how wonderful he was and that once you're his patient, he treats you like family! They weren't kidding - he held my hand, was very supporting, and gave me kind words of encouragement. The procedure went great. It was painful, as the “clamp” had to be in for a while and they sort of scraped the area out. I was taking deep breaths pretending I wasn’t there. Anything to keep from moving my body. I didn’t want to harm the embryos! Another not so fun part was my full bladder. By that time I hadn't urinated in over 4 hours and had to go bad! But you need a full bladder for the procedure to go smoother.

They injected 2 embryos (no chance of a future octomom here!), which is the highest that Mayo will put in for someone of my age. It was pretty incredible to watch the ultrasound on the screen and watch the catheter go in and once it reached it's destination - out popped the 2 little round embryos. Incredible! Not many people get to see their babies at that stage. I couldn’t believe this was happening. These are our babies! I already feel so "attached" to these little embryos. I pray they burrow into my uterine lining to stick around and grow strong.

So, back up to the room at 10:50am and I was on bed rest for 1 hour. I was determined to make it without having to pee. But about 35 minutes into it, I was about ready to explode, so I had to use a bedpan. The pressure was just too much, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was stabbing myself with my nails trying to get pain elsewhere so I wouldn’t wet myself! I called Jesse quick to ask her how it worked because I was scared! (What a wimp!) I really didn't want to but I had no other choice. But now I can say I've done that. Everyone needs to say they've used a bedpan at least once before right? Isn't it on everyone's lifelong to-do-list? HA!

This time they made me leave the hospital in a wheelchair. I enjoyed being pampered by Nick and waited for him to get the car to pick me up. The men at the door were funny. When Nick pulled up, they said, "Your Camry has arrived." Then they wheeled me out. I could get used to that service. HA!

There are some interesting rules I need to follow during all of this. Such as: no hard working out or twisting of the waist (no golf, tennis, bike riding, etc.) We gotta protect those embryos! No lifting more than 25 pounds, no using any lotions/perfumes, no alcohol, no being around chemicals/toxic fumes such as paint, glue, etc., No sex until after the pregnancy test! And if positive, then no sex until after the ultrasound 3 weeks later. (Gee, this is a nice break. HA!)

I'm feeling pretty good...just super tired...a little cramping and my butt hurts from the progesterone shots. I've been relaxing the rest of the day while Nick worked from 3-7pm. I napped twice! My body is so worn out...but I'm not complaining. Naps have now become a part of my daily routine. I am excited to hopefully get some energy back and feel a little more normal. For the next few weeks, there's no exercising or twisting (this includes vacuuming...woo hoo!) and no lifting over 25 pounds.

Today is one of my dearest friends, Keri's birthday. She joked it would be good luck for us! I sure hope so! Now the waiting game begins. Come on babies...love your new home!!

Being wheeled to the car after the embryo transfer.