3RD BIRTHDAY PARTY

All dressed up in baseball gear for the party!

I enjoy party planning. And people have made comments like, "How do you have time for that?" or "I wish I had time for that!" and sadly even, "Why do you spend the time on that?" Well, it's just this simple: You make time for what you like to do. And I enjoy doing party themes for my children's birthdays. So I make the time. 

And this year I decided on a baseball theme!

Go MINNESOTA TWINS!

But, please don't judge me. I've heard it all before. People making fun of the "pinterest" moms who theme parties or make such elaborate decorations. Why make fun of them just because it's something you don't do? It's a hobby for them. It's a hobby for me. For example, I don't watch a lot of tv. So instead of watching tv, I spend some time in August planning their birthday party. Is that so wrong? Not at all. It's something I like to do. It's therapeutic. It's crafty. I like it!

Oh, and I'm actually not a "pinterest" mom. I've only been on there a handful of times. Are you surprised? :) It's true!

Okay, enough of my ranting. Just had to throw that out there to defend myself and all the other party planners out there!

We had Eli and Will's 3rd Birthday Party at my parent's farm in Pipestone, MN this year. We were home for a wild weekend, so we decided to throw one extra event in since many people would already be there! We had FOUR parties in TWO days. On Saturday morning, we threw my sister, Corrie, a baby shower in South Dakota. Then E & W's 3rd birthday party was back at the farm in the afternoon. Then we went back to South Dakota early Sunday morning for my niece, Eleanor's baptism. And then our another niece, Ryder, had her 2nd Birthday Party at the farm later that afternoon. Whew! Makes me tired just typing all that. :)

We had a fun and wild weekend. Lots of planning, prep, and preparing for both the baby shower and E & W's birthday party, but was totally TOTALLY worth it!

Here are the invitations I made to look like ticket stubs. 

So fun to make!

*Notice the special note at the bottom. I'd thought it'd be fun for everyone to wear baseball apparel. It was so fun to have everyone dressed alike for the party. Thanks to everyone for humoring us!

The menu was of course CONCESSION food. Hot dogs, nacho chips with cheese and jalapenos, and baked beans. (Well, baked beans aren't really a concession food, but just pretend!)

I even found the fun hot dog holders to go along with the baseball plates and napkins.

Yummy!

And how could you have a baseball party without good ol' cracker jack, peanuts, popcorn, and "dubble bubble" bubble gum? You can't! So those were the goodies placed on the tables for munching!

Here are the boys enjoying punch in their new baseball cups with twisty straws. They were in heaven!

We had the party outside because that was the only place that could fit us all. But mother nature played a cruel trick on us, and it ended up being over 90 degrees out, so we all got a tad bit warm. I had planned on everyone playing a game of baseball together out in the field, but none of us really wanted to move in that heat, so we skipped that and just ate. Works for me!

Loved everyone dressed in baseball gear!

Wish we would have taken a group photo of the entire group together, but we just ran out of time!

You can see their "birthday banner" of photos hanging from the canopy.

Every year for their birthday, I make a banner of one photo of the boys together from each month. Here's a close-up of the year 2 to year 3 banner!

For decorations on the tables, we had old baseball bats, mitts and baseballs of Nick's for the centerpieces. 

After getting back to the farm from the baby shower, I barely had time to get birthday party stuff ready, yet alone take the "pretty pre-party" photos I had wanted to. So I didn't get photos of everything. But these were the labels I had attached to the brown peanut bags:

And these popcorn bags, I filled with some treats, balls, bracelets, toys, etc. as party favors for all the kids to bring home.

See the white house in the background of this next photo? 

That's the house I grew up in! Love that place!

Remember when I said it was over 90 degrees out? Well, this is what happens to your cake and cupcakes when it's that hot. Things start to melt....a lot. And when you use red frosting, it looks like a blood bath. It was a bloody baseball bloodbath. Oh well, it still tasted good!

The cake was chocolate for Will, our little chocolate lover. (Which Will pronouces "fock-et." Oh my...our little potty mouth!)

And the cupcakes were vanilla, for Eli, our little vanilla lover. (Which Eli pronouces "'nilla.")

Those on the cupcakes are supposed to be 3's, E's, and W's. But yes, a blood bath did occur. I had planned on making these look like baseballs, but the frosting tip I was using was too thick, so it wasn't working. My cake/cupcakes were a disaster. But like I said, at least they still tasted good. :)

Opening gifts:

Will blowing out his 3 candles!

Elijah blowing out his 3 candles!

An attempt at getting a cousin's photo. (Cousins of Eli and Will!) 

But Max did not want to make an appearance. :)

A few kids ran away but these stayed. :)

Golf Cart rides!

4-Wheeler Rides! Farm life is the BEST!

Even though we were SO hot, it was a fabulous party. 

We made great memories and are thankful for our dear family for helping us celebrate. 

Now to figure out next year's theme! :)

Hum...anyone have any ideas? 

PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today I will light a candle in honor of all the angel babies. I remember and honor all of my friends and anyone who have lost babies through miscarriage and still birth. I remember my friends who delivered their premature babies who too quickly went to heaven. Especially babies: Charlie, Savannah, and Samuel. And I remember those who lost their babies after hours, days, weeks, and months of getting to know them. Especially Hope, Trey, and Drake.

There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

I am 1 in 4. One in four women will lose a child through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant loss. Exactly 5 months ago today, on Nick and my 9 year wedding anniversary, we lost our baby. If our baby was still alive, I would currently be almost 7 months pregnant. 

Today we celebrate all angel babies. Today is a day for everyone to remember and honor all of the precious babies gone too soon. Today is a day for many of us to bond together and mourn and honor our precious lost little ones.  

The loss of any child, no matter what age or gestational age, is heartbreaking. And the weight of bearing these scars is with us forever. Please take a moment to honor these babies. 

They were loved. They were real. They will never be forgotten. 

And we carry them forever in our hearts.

THREE YEARS OLD

The twins are 3 years old! THREE!!! How can that be?

They turned 3 years old on 9/13/13. Friday the 13th this year! It wasn't THAT scary! :)

It's hard to believe our sweet boys have now entered the "terrible three's." Yes, I was informed it's not the "terrible TWO's" but the "terrible THREE's". And with them being 3 for just one month now, I can totally see that. It's like they snapped! We definitely have our hard times. Guess that's what happens when you have two children the exact same age who usually want the same thing at the same time. It's hard to share! And I can't blame them for getting on each other's nerves, they are with each other 100% of the time. 

But then sometimes they are so darn sweet. And they sneak kisses and secrets...

But we have so many wonderful times too. And what a joy it is to see them interact with each other in conversation and imaginative play. They just soak everything in and know more words than I could ever have imagined they'd know at this age. They are smart little guys and ask so many questions. They are very much alike but so different as well. They are definitely their own little personalities. I love to just sit and watch them play together...well, when they aren't fighting that is. :)

As they say, "boys will be boys."

  

They had their 3 year well check a few weeks ago. 

They are as happy and as healthy as can be. We are so blessed.

Our tiny little Will weighs 28 pounds 14 ounces, which is the 19th percentile.

And our Elijah weighs 31 pounds 8 ounces, which is the 45th percentile.

Even though it's just a few pounds difference, it sure feels a lot heavier when we pick up Eli!

Both boys measure exactly the same at 37 inches, which is the 75th percentile. They were exactly the same height as each other at 2 years old as well. So interesting. I wonder if they will continue at the same growth!


Our little cheese balls!

The photos on this post are Eli and Will's 3 year photos we took yesterday. We just decided to take them on our own with our camera at a beautiful park with the fall leaves everywhere. They weren't cooperating all that well, but we got a few good ones. Bribing them with candy wasn't even working that well!

           Will
            

Elijah

 Elijah

Will

GOODBYE, SWEET BABY

Time for an update as a lot has happened since I last posted.

As always, thank you for your support and encouragement during our infertility journey. As you may already know, we had an unsuccessful FET (frozen embryo transfer) in February. (See blog post: FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER) We were so devastated, but not ready to give up. And we immediately began the process to do another transfer.

In April, we did do another FET.

And I became PREGNANT! We were overjoyed!

But on May 10th, I began spotting blood which turned to heavy bleeding by the 13th. And on May 15th, we rushed to the Mayo Clinic and our worst fears were confirmed when in our ultrasound, the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat. And so, on May 15th, which happened to be Nick and my 9th wedding anniversary, we said goodbye to our baby at just 6 weeks 2 days gestation. Not at all the way we wanted to spend our anniversary, but it was a true reminder that our love will get through anything together.

We are heartbroken but find comfort in knowing that our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus. It's difficult to say goodbye to someone you loved so dearly but never got the chance to meet. I know there are people who won't think it's a big deal since we weren't "that far along." But it doesn't matter how far along or at what point of development your baby was at when one has a miscarriage or still birth. I know it is only a small fraction of the pain of losing someone (a baby, child, or adult) whom you've known and loved for months or years. But still, these unborn babies are real. The love was real. It is a true heartbreaking loss.

I have a lot of updates I want to do on this blog about these past few months, which will include posts on: details about our April transfer, the joy of our pregnancy, my personal experience with my miscarriage, how to help someone cope who had a miscarriage, and what is next for us with medical treatments. And I will update little by little. But, as you know, my writing time is quite limited with daily life with my 2.5 year old twin boys! And I'm okay with that because as you can imagine, I've been clinging to them a little tighter lately.

Nick and I want to thank you for praying with us, for crying with us, and for hoping with us. Thank you for sharing in our journey. It’s been a long road, but we aren't giving up. We truly appreciate your love and prayers.

I saw an idea online last month about writing a letter to your baby to help in the mourning process. I decided to give it a try. I'm grateful I did. The following is the letter I wrote to our angel baby.


Dear angel baby,

I never touched you or held you, but you were our little miracle that was growing inside of me. You grew under my heart. Right under that heart that prayed for you, wanted you, and loved you. Your daddy and I tried for over a year to have you. We loved you even before you were conceived. You were more than wanted. Even though I never met you, sweet baby, I do know you. And even though I never held you in my arms, I will forever hold you in my heart.

You are a part of who I am.

You will always be a part of who I am.

Your story is very special. Your daddy and I are unable to get pregnant on our own unlike most other couples. I was on many medications and we did many treatments and procedures for years until finally 4 years after we started trying for a baby, we held your big brothers in our arms. It's incredible to know that you became an embryo over 3 years ago back in January of 2010 right along with your twin brothers. One of my eggs and one of your daddy's sperm were put together by an embryologist to make you. Isn't that amazing? Not many people can say they were made outside of their mommy and then put back in to grow! It was a hard, long, stressful, trying, and expensive process. I had to take a lot of medications and give myself a lot of shots and fight through the side effects and hormones. But we know we would do it again in a heartbeat just for the chance for you.

After you formed into an embryo, you were frozen for over 3 years with 7 other Vincelli embryos. Two other embryos were put into me for my first fresh transfer (IVF: in-vitro fertilization) and they grew into your beautiful twin brothers. They were our first two miracles.

And then over 3 years later, you were thawed out with one other embryo. Unfortunately, the other embryo didn't survive. But you did. And on April 18th, 2013 we then watched the ultrasound screen as you were injected into my uterus. That was the only time we would ever see you. I will remember it forever. Just the possibility of you made my heart overjoyed.

I don't have a beautiful ultrasound photo, I don't have something physical to remember you by. But I do have the memories of watching the miracle of you happen. Not many people get to experience something like that. Words will never be able to truly describe it. But your daddy and I feel it in our hearts. It is one of our very few memories of you. We will never forget that moment.

Then, we prayed and prayed that you would grow. And grow you did. I was pregnant! You became our third little miracle. We praised God for another little baby to love. In just those 6 weeks, your brain, spinal cord, heart, and other organs were forming. Even your facial features were already beginning to appear. The neural tube along your back was closing and your heart was pumping blood.

God was at work in your tiny little life.

You were real.

Our love for you was very real.

But your heart stopped beating.

You were ours, precious baby, if only for this short time. I wish we didn't have to say goodbye. I don’t know why you were taken from us. I have a lot of unanswered questions. But one thing I am sure of is that God had plans for you even before you were conceived. I may not ever know or understand the reasons why, but I choose to trust that God’s purpose is good and perfect.

I choose to trust.

I choose to keep the faith.

I choose hope.

Daddy and I know that God will keep you safe until one day when we be reunited with you in heaven. Even among our pain, we know it is a joy that you will only know a perfect place. And as much as we want you here with us, we take comfort in knowing that you will never have pain or tears or suffering. You will only know heaven. I can only imagine what perfect lullabies you must be hearing now. And I will smile when I think of you dancing in heaven with Jesus.

My heart aches. I know it will get easier, but I will always miss you. I ache to have you growing again. I ache when I wonder if you were a boy or a girl. I ache when I think of what your personality would have been like. But I feel happiness too. In fact, each time I think of you, I feel a pull on my heart. It tightens and feels a sense of warmth. I feel that every time...each and every time. Even though there is a lot of sadness, I feel so much joy when I think of you.

Your tiny, short gestational life holds a big place in my heart.

You were our hope and you will continue to be our hope.

I will always love you, sweet baby. You will never be forgotten.

Your mommy

NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

It's National Infertility Awareness Week.

National Infertility Awareness Week is a project of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. The goal of the week is to raise awareness about infertility, to encourage grassroots advocacy, and help couples with infertility cope with their disease.

Infertility affects 1 in every 8 couples.

Nick and I are one of those eight.

7.3 million Americans are diagnosed with infertility.



There is too much negativity, fear, and shame regarding this disease. I wish we could make it disappear, but we can't. However, I can and will continue to share my infertility story. I thankful for what I have endured and extremely grateful for my twins, my IVF miracles. I am not ashamed of how my children were conceived and I will always make sure they and the rest of the world know it.

National Infertility Awareness Week is also needed to spread awareness of infertility to the general public. With infertility affecting 1 in 8, it's likely that everyone has at least one friend or family member living with infertility. When the general public understands infertility better, fertility challenged couples will be freer to talk about their condition, possibly experience less shame, and receive more support.



I don't share my story for attention.

I don't share it for pity.

I share it because there are many people out there who need your support. They may not be willing so speak out, so I will help be their voice.

No matter where you may be in your infertility journey, know you are never alone.

And remember that there is always, always, always HOPE!



For more information, check out the RESOLVE website.

FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER

As you may have read from my previous blog post, I was feeling overwhelmed and decided to step back a bit from my blog in January. It is hard to believe that my last blog post was over 3 months ago! But now it is time for an update. And I will tell you more of the reason I wanted to be a little more stress free...

We've had a lot going on between day to day life, volunteering, working, etc., but the biggest thing is that we have been trying to grow our family. :) In May of 2012, when the twins were about 20 months old, we started trying for another baby. But after over 6 months of no success, we felt it was time to go back to the Mayo Clinic to start the IVF (In-Vitro) process again. Although this time it would be a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) since we had 8 frozen embryos in storage.

Those four months (Nov 2012 - Feb 2013) were full of questions and decisions, sadness and disappointments, but also happiness, faith and hope. It was interesting to right in the infertility world again. I stepped back into that uncertainty and sadness. And just like that, I was immediately pumped full of hormones and medications again. All I could think was, "Here we go again!" Although many feelings came rushing back, it was definitely different this time. As apprehensive as I was to go through this process again and not knowing if we would become pregnant, I was able to focus on my two little miracles that I do have. Because this time I knew that technically, I could get pregnant, and I am able to have children. Whereas, the first time, we had no idea if I would ever be able to bear a child.

Here is photo proof of my many medications and needles...(Luprolide, Estradiol, Progesterone Suppositories, Progesterone Capsules, and Necon)

Some fertility medications have to come from Specialty Pharmacies. My Luprolide kits were shipped all the way from Texas!



Collection of my used needles...



This was the most expensive medication for this round. I will spare you from the details of the cost, but I took a photo of it next to the quarter so you can see how tiny of an amount it is. And the bottle only comes half full of medication! (You can see the line about half way up the bottle. That was the full amount.)



So, after four months including 6 trips to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for appointments (with RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologists), nurses, and ultrasound techs), 33 vaginal suppositories, 3 blood draws, 2 vaginal ultrasounds, giving myself 31 shots, and taking 177 pills, - on February 14, (Valentine's Day) we did a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) at the Department of Reproductive Endocrinology and they transferred one strong, healthy embryo into my uterus.

Here we are relaxing after I had some valium before our transfer...hoping and praying for a baby to grow, grow, grow!



And here I am waiting in the hospital room to be wheeled down to the Operating Room!



This photo was while we were waiting in Pre-Op. As you can clearly see, it was a super romantic Valentine's Day for us! We really know how to dress fancy for such a special occasion. :)



All ready to go! Let's make a baby already!



My handsome husband in his fancy scrubs.



We got in trouble from a nurse after taking this photo because apparently cameras aren't allowed in pre-op. Oops! We probably wouldn't have been busted, but we were laughing so loud taking these pics, I think they knew what we were up too. Or I guess it was probably the flash that gave it away! Some people just don't know how to have fun. Don't they know this was like our foreplay? :)(Sorry, I know, too much information...ha!)

The transfer went well except for my bladder issue. You need a full bladder for the procedure, but apparently, my bladder was TOO full. You aren't able to urinate after being admitted into the hospital. And your procedure isn't right away as there is a lot of waiting even before you get to pre-op to wait again. Keep in mind I hadn't peed in about 4 hours.Oh my! Therefore, the entire procedure was quite painful. The pressure on my bladder was almost too much to bear. I was able to hold it for the transfer, but then had to use a bed pan, right there while laying down in the operating room immediately after the doctors were finished. (This is because you have to lay flat on bedrest for one hour after the transfer. So I wasn't able to get up to use the bathroom.) Ughh...I felt so stupid. But I have never felt such relief after urinating before. (again...too much information...sorry!)

I'm glad I made it through, but was disappointed that it wasn't the sweet and touching "watch the embryo on the ultrasound screen being inserted into my uterus" special moment. Instead I was gripping Nick's hand so hard and trying to take deep breaths while focusing on not peeing right there all over the doctor. Through my gritted teeth, I asked the resident doctor, "Are you sure I'm not peeing, because I feel like I'm peeing right now." I truly was so sure I was letting it all out right there. What a weird feeling. But He said no and although he then reassured me that it has happened to him before, I certainly didn't want to be the one to pee on him again. I glanced at the monitor, but honestly didn't even see the embryo pop out of the catheter! It was definitely different than our first IVF, as I vividly remember seeing the two little embryos pop out and float around! So special...so incredible to witness. This time I wasn't even sure they had put an embryo in me. Oh well, it was done and I could finally pee. I was happy.

One other funny moment was that when the embryologist entered, my main doctor said, "And here are your embryos." I said, "EMBRYOS!?!?" And he replied, "Oh, I mean embryo." We joked that yes, it better just be one! (We had decided to transfer only one embryo. More details are a few paragraphs down.)

While waiting on bedrest, I joked and imagined how fun it was going to be to tell people that I got pregnant from a man who wasn't my husband on Valentine's Day, while a room full of other men and women AND my husband watched! :)

We prayed and prayed for our miracle. We were full of such hope and faith that our special little Valentine's embryo would survive and grow into a strong and healthy baby.

And so the 2 week wait began.

Soon after the transfer, we got the call that our second embryo didn't survive the thaw and that it would be unable to be refrozen for future use. For this transfer, we had decided to thaw two embryos and transfer the best one, with the hopes of refreezing the other embryo to keep for the future. We honestly were not ready to take the chance to have twins again. We wanted to try for a singleton. And obviously using two embryos would increase the chance for twins. We were pretty confident that if two embryos were put in, two babies would come out. Just as we had experienced the first time. So, thaw two, transfer the best one it was. The embryologist grew the second embryo out for a few more days, but unfortunately, it did not survive to the blastocyst stage. Therefore, they were unable to re-freeze it. This meant we now had 6 frozen embryos remaining. I was sad and cried after hearing that news. You really do grow attached to these little embryos that could be your future children! And now we had one less. One less chance for a baby than we had before.

Unfortunately, a few days before the transfer, the twins got colds. And of course, it was passed on to me. But mine turned into a horrible sinus infection that I had during the entire time while I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant. I had to pretend I was pregnant, even though we didn't know if I was. Therefore, I couldn't take any medication and had to suffer through it. I had never had a sinus infection before. And wow, the pain was unbearable. It felt as if every tooth in my mouth needed to be pulled. It ached and ached and there was nothing I could do. I did try taking Tylenol, but it didn't help at all. Most nights, it was difficult to sleep and I woke up often. One night the pain was so intense, I barely slept all night long. The pain finally subsided around 8am and I was able to fall asleep and stay sleeping for a few hours. Thankfully that was a Saturday, so Nick was home and able to watch the twins. For a little over those 2 weeks, I couldn’t smell or taste. And during most of that time, it hurt to even open my mouth or chew food. It is hard to describe, but the pain in my mouth was so horrible. I couldn't believe the timing of all of this as I am rarely ever sick. I worried that this would affect my body trying to become pregnant.

Needless to say, the “2 week wait” was hard. Hard because I was so sick and hard because I couldn't even enjoy food since it hurt so much to even open my mouth, yet alone chew. But even harder because I was given restrictions to not lift more than 25 pounds, which meant I couldn’t lift my twins. They quickly learned how to climb on the toilet themselves and to get up into their tall car seats without my help. You never realize how much you really do pick up your children on a daily basis, until you aren't able to. I missed holding them so dearly. There were many times they would stand at my feet holding their arms up for me to pick them up and hold them. They just didn’t understand why I wasn't able to lift them.

Although the wait was hard and time seemed to go by slowly, it actually passed by faster than I had imagined. It's hard to keep it off your mind when you are still taking estrogen and progesterone 3 times a day (at 7am, 3pm, and 10 pm for a total of 6 estradiol tablets and 3 vaginal suppositories). But being with the twins obviously occupied a lot of my time, so I think that helped tremendously.

In my mind and heart, I began preparing for our little baby that would arrive in November. I imagined what craziness Christmas would be this year with another baby in our arms. I thought about how much fun Eli and Will would have holding and feeding a little brother or sister. (I know this since they adore any babies they see and always want to touch, kiss, and help feed babies!)I even purchased shirts that said "big brother" for Eli and Will and thought about how and when we would announce our pregnancy to the world.

So finally, on the morning of February 25, I drove to Mayo to take a blood test to verify if there was a pregnancy. I hadn't and didn't want to take a home pregnancy test for the fear of a false negative or a false positive. Mayo recommends not doing that since all of the medications and hormones I was still on could affect a home pregnancy test and not give correct results. So, since Nick had to work all day and we obviously wanted to find out together, that evening, Nick and I listened to the message on labtalk from the Mayo Clinic Department of Reproductive Endocrinology and found out our worst fear....

Not pregnant.

At first I just starred at Nick. Then I looked away and said, "I knew it." At first, I felt like I didn't have any emotion.

Then suddenly it hit.

My heart felt broken.

My hope felt crushed.

I cried and cried.

And I cried some more.

And when I felt as if I couldn't have any tears left, I cried even more.

All the pain and frustrations came flooding back. Why? Why? Why didn't this work? I know I can get pregnant. These specialized doctors literally placed a perfect embryo into me in the perfect place at the perfect time under all the perfect conditions. Everything was perfect. But this little baby did not grow.

This proves that medicine can only go so far. That is where the true miracle comes in. God plays the biggest part. His goodness, His timing, His miracles. And that is how I know that all babies are truly miracles, no matter how they are conceived or who they are born to. No matter what.

But I will still question - Why can't I have another miracle?

So, I allowed myself to be sad and angry. I knew I didn't want to feel that for long, but I knew it was okay to feel that way for now. And so I cried and cried....a lot. I suddenly felt jealous of the many women I know who are pregnant. And more than anything I felt stupid for putting myself through all of this again, thinking we would easily become pregnant from this transfer. Before we had started the whole process, I told myself to not be over confident that this would work since our first IVF did work and we had our baby twins. I knew there was no guarantee it was work again right away. I didn't want to feel crushed if we weren't pregnant, so I tried to prepare myself for the fact that we may not be. But I don't think it helped, because I still felt utterly defeated.

Why do we have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars, spend so much time, and go through so many emotions with the hormones/medications I am on just for the CHANCE to get pregnant? Just for the CHANCE. But, there are no guarantees. It is a gamble. And I definitely felt the crush of that. And since we have no more insurance coverage for reproductive medicine, we pay for everything out of pocket. Literally thousands and thousands of dollars with nothing to show and no miracle growing inside of me.

The next day, my feelings turned from feeling so desperately sad for me to being so desperately sad for others. And I felt upset with myself for being so sad because I do have 2 little miracles, when so many couples out there may never even have their one miracle. So, I tried to focus on Elijah and Will. Even though we want more children, if we never do have more children, I could be thankful I was able to experience my twins. And I know that having twins is something so very extraordinary in itself. Something that the majority of people will never have the pleasure of experiencing. I am grateful for that.

But, it seems that when you want a baby, you want a baby. And the pain is still there, no matter if you already do have children or not. Yes, it is different, but the pain and want is still so vividly there.

I know that Nick and my infertility journey is so different than everyone else's. Many couple's infertility journeys are much much worse. They may have unexplained infertility and the doctors can't find anything to "fix." Many women have endometriosis or Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and may not ever be able to become pregnant. Or there are women who are able to become pregnant, but may have ectopic pregnancies or are unable to carry a baby to term. Some people aren't able to use their own sperm/eggs and need to use them from a donor. Many couples are unable to try any treatments because the cost is too high and nothing is covered by medical insurance. Why? Why? WHY?

Why can so many people...so much more deserving than I, not get pregnant?

It's not fair. I know life isn't fair. And it breaks my heart. My heart truly aches for these women and men. If you are struggling, waiting, and praying for your miracle, please know I pray for you each and every day. I honestly do.

And I will continue to think of and pray for you everyday for the rest of my life.

The days and weeks following finding out we weren't pregnant after the FET, were a mix of happy and sad. Some days have been harder than others, but there has always been hope in my days. I felt so sad for the little baby that could have been, but I was grateful for the 2 little miracles I do have. I am choosing to stay positive. I am choosing to keep moving forward. And I know that someday, somehow, we will hold another baby in our arms, if it is God's will.

So, even through the pain, the questions, the heartache, the suffering...I am choosing to have faith in God's plan and timing. I will trust in the perfect plan He has for our family. And I take comfort that He knows me, He feels what I am feeling right along with me, and He will never leave my side. I am not alone.

And no matter what your journey is, I pray you trust in His perfect plan for your life. I hope you take comfort that He knows you, He feels what you are feeling right along with you, and He will never leave your side. You are not alone.

There is a purpose, there is a reason.

And it will be worth the wait.