Yet another trip to Mayo today for a blood test and ultrasound today to check on the follicles and see if they are mature enough. We were hoping to hear that the follicles were big enough and that we could trigger ovulation tonight with the hCG injection. The hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is a hormone that supports the normal development of an egg in a woman’s ovary. It basically stimulates and kicks in ovulation which releases the eggs.
We really wanted the hCG shot to be tonight, due to the fact that that would work best with Nick’s work schedule this coming week. And because we were almost out of some of the medications and would have had to get it last minute from the specialty pharmacy in the cities. Or maybe at Mayo, but we would have had to pay full price, because my insurance didn’t cover the medications from there.
The blood test needs to be done before 9am and our ultrasound was at 10am. So between those times, we went to our newly found favorite quaint bakery, and ate there for Sunday brunch. We also sported our Minnesota Vikings gear, ready for the big game later that afternoon.
We met a new doctor today who did the ultrasound, and she was wonderful. She gave us great news and said my follicles are lookin’ great. I have about 18 or so, with 9 or 10 that are big enough, so we’ll see how many they “use” for embryos. (Normally you have 1 follicle in a normal cycle with no drugs - so with 18 - my ovaries are working overtime! No wonder I have such pressure and bloating!)
There is one follicle that has blood in it, but I guess that can be common and so they don't use that one. My uterine lining is "beautiful,” in the words of the nurse! The doctor also checked the computer system quick around 10:30am to see if our blood test results were miraculously in, as she said they sometimes aren’t there until 1pm. She didn’t expect them to be in, but they were there! The results were great. So, she told us right then and there that we’d be triggering with the shot tonight. It was exactly what we wanted to hear and we didn’t even have to wait long for the results. Wonderful!
So - we'll take the HCG shot tonight, which will trigger ovulation! As they say, "timing is crucial" so we take the shot at 9pm tonight. And retrieval is approximately 34-38 hours after.
The hCG shot is given intramuscularly, which means “super long needle that goes right into your muscle above your butt” and involves all that crazy mixing of vials. I can’t shoot myself in the buttocks, so that means someone else has to give me the shot. And that will be my Miracle Nurse, my sister, Jesse. I don’t think anyone has seen my butt as much as she has! HA!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
BUMPS IN THE ROAD
Throughout our infertility, there have been many bumps in the road - above and beyond the typical ups and downs from the monthly disappointment of negative pregnancy tests.
We spent countless hours on the phone with my insurance company for appointments and services charged wrong. With referrals over to Mayo, oftentimes it would get mixed up and I’d get charged “out of network.” And then trying to figure out medications. Many of the infertility drugs are “specialty drugs” and aren’t available in many areas, so they have to be ordered from specific pharmacies that were covered under my insurance. That equaled a lot of time on the phone with pharmacies, clinics, and the insurance company!
Along with figuring out where to get the medications shipped from, more than once they arrived frozen to our house as our IVF was in the dead of winter in Minnesota. This proved to be difficult as oftentimes you’d receive the medication just as you needed it very last minute, since you didn’t know if you would need it and it was too expensive to just have on hand “in case.” Then we’d have to hustle to try to get another delivered on time, without being frozen and unusable!
Then there were painful procedures that weren’t supposed to be, such as my first IUI that went horribly wrong. Not to mention the crazy acupuncture experience I had! There were also times that I had cysts in my ovaries from the strong medications, therefore our treatments would get pushed back in order to allow time for the cysts to disappear.
One time I was even told to take the wrong dose of medication. But it didn’t seem right to me, so I called the clinic to check and I was correct. It’s important to be on top of what you’re putting into your body and understanding what it is and what dosage it should be. Trust the doctors and nurses, but trust yourself too!!
Another stressful experience was finding out the cost of IVF was going up in 2010, right as we were doing our IVF. We were fearful that we’d have to pay the large 20-some-percent increase (thousands of dollars) since ours would be done in January, just a few weeks after the new year. After weeks of calling, emailing, etc – we finally find out that we’d still be charged the 2009 rate. Wow! I could have done without that stress!!
All of these bumps in the road were things we weren’t expecting, but as if we had ever expected to experience infertility in the first place. So, you just deal with it, move on, and keeping looking ahead. Nothing is perfect…I know! But I try to think that all of these experiences just strengthened us and made us even more appreciate for our future children!
We spent countless hours on the phone with my insurance company for appointments and services charged wrong. With referrals over to Mayo, oftentimes it would get mixed up and I’d get charged “out of network.” And then trying to figure out medications. Many of the infertility drugs are “specialty drugs” and aren’t available in many areas, so they have to be ordered from specific pharmacies that were covered under my insurance. That equaled a lot of time on the phone with pharmacies, clinics, and the insurance company!
Along with figuring out where to get the medications shipped from, more than once they arrived frozen to our house as our IVF was in the dead of winter in Minnesota. This proved to be difficult as oftentimes you’d receive the medication just as you needed it very last minute, since you didn’t know if you would need it and it was too expensive to just have on hand “in case.” Then we’d have to hustle to try to get another delivered on time, without being frozen and unusable!
Then there were painful procedures that weren’t supposed to be, such as my first IUI that went horribly wrong. Not to mention the crazy acupuncture experience I had! There were also times that I had cysts in my ovaries from the strong medications, therefore our treatments would get pushed back in order to allow time for the cysts to disappear.
One time I was even told to take the wrong dose of medication. But it didn’t seem right to me, so I called the clinic to check and I was correct. It’s important to be on top of what you’re putting into your body and understanding what it is and what dosage it should be. Trust the doctors and nurses, but trust yourself too!!
Another stressful experience was finding out the cost of IVF was going up in 2010, right as we were doing our IVF. We were fearful that we’d have to pay the large 20-some-percent increase (thousands of dollars) since ours would be done in January, just a few weeks after the new year. After weeks of calling, emailing, etc – we finally find out that we’d still be charged the 2009 rate. Wow! I could have done without that stress!!
All of these bumps in the road were things we weren’t expecting, but as if we had ever expected to experience infertility in the first place. So, you just deal with it, move on, and keeping looking ahead. Nothing is perfect…I know! But I try to think that all of these experiences just strengthened us and made us even more appreciate for our future children!
Friday, January 15, 2010
ESTRADIOL BLOOD TESTS
On Wednesday, January 13th, we went to Mayo for an estradiol blood test. This checks the ovaries response to the stimulation. They also want to make sure that the ovaries aren’t being over stimulated, which can cause OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome), and is very dangerous.
I called lab talk to receive my results in the afternoon. My level was great and I was given instructions to lower my dosage of both GONAL F to 75 units and continue on MENOPUR at 75 units. I also am to continue the LUPRON at 10 units.
Today, I went for another estradiol blood test and ultrasound. There are 10 follicles on the right and 9 on the left. Everything looked good, but the follicles still need time to grow.
So, back to Mayo on Sunday for yet another blood test and ultrasound. We’re hoping the follicles are mature enough so we can take the hCG shot on Sunday night!
I called lab talk to receive my results in the afternoon. My level was great and I was given instructions to lower my dosage of both GONAL F to 75 units and continue on MENOPUR at 75 units. I also am to continue the LUPRON at 10 units.
Today, I went for another estradiol blood test and ultrasound. There are 10 follicles on the right and 9 on the left. Everything looked good, but the follicles still need time to grow.
So, back to Mayo on Sunday for yet another blood test and ultrasound. We’re hoping the follicles are mature enough so we can take the hCG shot on Sunday night!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
THE ARRIVAL OF FROZEN MEDS
Here are two photos of how my drugs would arrive in a cooler!
Ahh, the joys of doing IVF in the frigid Minnesota winter…
There are a lot of medications that have to be taken at the same time, so I have learned it’s a good idea to set alarm reminders on my cell phone. For someone who doesn’t even like taking ibuprofen when I have a headache – these past 3 years of infertility drugs has been a big change for me. I’ve also been taking pre-natal vitamins daily…”just in case.”
I order most of my drugs from a specialty clinic in the cities as they’re not available in the town where I live. They come via UPS. It’s interesting because some need to be refrigerated, so most arrive in a cooler. I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s an illegal drug deal or something! During IVF, the shipments were bigger and my largest one had 12 prescriptions delivered at once! Woah!
Ordering these medications is stressful. Just thinking about the cost is enough to make anyone sick to their stomach. As I wait for the drugs to arrive, I pray that they don’t get lost along the way, because we can’t afford any mistakes. Fortunately the pharmacy I’ve ordered them through has been a Godsend. They are so nice, helpful, and knowledgeable. They actually return your phone calls and follow through! Wonderful! I’d recommend them to anyone and everyone!
During my first IVF cycle, while I was taking LUPRON, I knew I was going to run out of the drug, just barely, according to the dosages. I called the pharmacy and it was scheduled to arrive. For the scheduled days that the drugs arrive via UPS, I have to stay at home and make sure I’m there when they arrive. They tell you they can arrive any time between 9am and 5pm. Wow…what a specific time slot! Ha! This makes it extra difficult in the frigid winter months here in Minnesota. As all mediations have restrictions, these have specific requirements of between what temperatures they can be stored. Many also list, “DO NOT FREEZE” in capital letters! So, as I wait all day, I begin to think about how long they have been in transit and outside in this very cold, 8 degree day.
I was getting anxious and when they finally arrived a little after 5pm, I was relieved. But as I opened the box, my relief quickly turned to anxiety. It was exactly what I had feared - the liquid medication was frozen! I was freaking out knowing that even if they told me it was still okay to use – there’s no way I would! I was paying and going through way too much for this whole process and I wasn’t going to mess it up with a bad drug.
I called the clinic and they were great. The pharmacist tried to contact the drug company to check to see if I should still use the LUPRON or not. Of course it was too late in the afternoon and they were closed because I hadn’t received my drugs until 5pm. So the pharmacist said he’d call me back tomorrow after he found out. And he did! The drug rep said not to use it as there were no studies as to if it still worked after being frozen. They told me they’d try it again and mail another in a cooler with an unfrozen ice pack. This way, if it were to get too cold, it should freeze the ice pack, instead of the medication.
I prayed this would arrive unfrozen as I don’t know what I would have done otherwise as this drug isn’t available where I live. Where would I be ale to get it last minute? Where would I have to drive? I received that package the next day, and it arrived just fine…with no trace of being frozen…just in time for me use it in my next shot because I had just run out. Praise the Lord!
Ahh, the joys of doing IVF in the frigid Minnesota winter…
There are a lot of medications that have to be taken at the same time, so I have learned it’s a good idea to set alarm reminders on my cell phone. For someone who doesn’t even like taking ibuprofen when I have a headache – these past 3 years of infertility drugs has been a big change for me. I’ve also been taking pre-natal vitamins daily…”just in case.”
I order most of my drugs from a specialty clinic in the cities as they’re not available in the town where I live. They come via UPS. It’s interesting because some need to be refrigerated, so most arrive in a cooler. I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s an illegal drug deal or something! During IVF, the shipments were bigger and my largest one had 12 prescriptions delivered at once! Woah!
Ordering these medications is stressful. Just thinking about the cost is enough to make anyone sick to their stomach. As I wait for the drugs to arrive, I pray that they don’t get lost along the way, because we can’t afford any mistakes. Fortunately the pharmacy I’ve ordered them through has been a Godsend. They are so nice, helpful, and knowledgeable. They actually return your phone calls and follow through! Wonderful! I’d recommend them to anyone and everyone!
During my first IVF cycle, while I was taking LUPRON, I knew I was going to run out of the drug, just barely, according to the dosages. I called the pharmacy and it was scheduled to arrive. For the scheduled days that the drugs arrive via UPS, I have to stay at home and make sure I’m there when they arrive. They tell you they can arrive any time between 9am and 5pm. Wow…what a specific time slot! Ha! This makes it extra difficult in the frigid winter months here in Minnesota. As all mediations have restrictions, these have specific requirements of between what temperatures they can be stored. Many also list, “DO NOT FREEZE” in capital letters! So, as I wait all day, I begin to think about how long they have been in transit and outside in this very cold, 8 degree day.
I was getting anxious and when they finally arrived a little after 5pm, I was relieved. But as I opened the box, my relief quickly turned to anxiety. It was exactly what I had feared - the liquid medication was frozen! I was freaking out knowing that even if they told me it was still okay to use – there’s no way I would! I was paying and going through way too much for this whole process and I wasn’t going to mess it up with a bad drug.
I called the clinic and they were great. The pharmacist tried to contact the drug company to check to see if I should still use the LUPRON or not. Of course it was too late in the afternoon and they were closed because I hadn’t received my drugs until 5pm. So the pharmacist said he’d call me back tomorrow after he found out. And he did! The drug rep said not to use it as there were no studies as to if it still worked after being frozen. They told me they’d try it again and mail another in a cooler with an unfrozen ice pack. This way, if it were to get too cold, it should freeze the ice pack, instead of the medication.
I prayed this would arrive unfrozen as I don’t know what I would have done otherwise as this drug isn’t available where I live. Where would I be ale to get it last minute? Where would I have to drive? I received that package the next day, and it arrived just fine…with no trace of being frozen…just in time for me use it in my next shot because I had just run out. Praise the Lord!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
SUPER SCARY SHOTS
I’m not afraid of needles. I donate blood as often as I can. It doesn’t really bother me. But that’s when a trained professional is doing it. Give me a needle and tell me to poke myself and I may panic. Especially when it’s something this important that I don’t want to take any chances of messing up!
Even though I’ve gone through the shot class at Mayo and watched the video at home, it still just scares the crap out of me. I’m constantly scared that I’ll put the needle on wrong, mix it up incorrectly, or inject the wrong amount.
This is a whole different thing. These fertility drugs are extremely expensive and the vials come in very specific amounts, so there’s no room for error. Otherwise you might not have enough medication for the next day. And unfortunately, these are specialty drugs that aren’t available in the town where I live. So you just can’t get them last minute.
These 2 new shots are quite scarier than the LUPRON. I can handle the LUPRON because you simply draw the air into the syringe, insert the needle, push the air in, draw the units back into the syringe, remove the need, and inject. Easy. Something I can handle.
But the GONAL F is a “pen”. The dosing adjusts with the turn of a dial, which, as it says, makes it easy to inject your precise medication dose for every injection prescribed. But it still doesn’t seem so easy to me. I’m still paranoid I’ll do it wrong. What if I set the dose wrong? What if when I load the new dose in, it doesn’t really all go in? I don’t trust it when you can’t see how much you put in like you can when it’s a vial. And besides the fact that you have to put a new needle on each time. Wait, I guess now that I’m writing it down, that putting the new needle on each time part doesn’t seem so scary. I need to stop being so scared of doing it wrong.
And for the MENOPUR medication, it involves two vials, one of which is sodium chloride and the other the MENOPUR tablet. It involves mixing these together with the use of more than one needle. This medication also comes with a Q-Cap. It is the only available vial adapter for needle-free reconstitution. It’s really quite interesting. The Q-Cap helps to eliminate stress, anxiety, and accidental needle sticks. This involves way too many steps for me still which therefore, still scares the crap out of me.
So, with all these shots, I am so very thankful to live just 2 short blocks away from my sister, Jesse, who happens to be a nurse at Mayo. And she gets everything together and injects the shots for me. Luckily for her, this stint of 3 shots per day only last for the next 10 days. So, I should be able to relieve her of her duties after these 10 days are up. We bundle up every night in this cold Minnesota winter weather a little before 9pm to head over to get shots from who I call, my Miracle Nurse…Jesse!
The shots go just fine. 150 units of GONAL F and 75 units of MENOPUR. All are given into my stomach. My only complaint is the MENOPUR shot, which is painful. It feels like someone is pinching your skin as hard as they possibly can. I can feel the medication going into my body and spreading out in different directions.
So, I guess I'd say I'm afraid of the medication...not the needles!
Even though I’ve gone through the shot class at Mayo and watched the video at home, it still just scares the crap out of me. I’m constantly scared that I’ll put the needle on wrong, mix it up incorrectly, or inject the wrong amount.
This is a whole different thing. These fertility drugs are extremely expensive and the vials come in very specific amounts, so there’s no room for error. Otherwise you might not have enough medication for the next day. And unfortunately, these are specialty drugs that aren’t available in the town where I live. So you just can’t get them last minute.
These 2 new shots are quite scarier than the LUPRON. I can handle the LUPRON because you simply draw the air into the syringe, insert the needle, push the air in, draw the units back into the syringe, remove the need, and inject. Easy. Something I can handle.
But the GONAL F is a “pen”. The dosing adjusts with the turn of a dial, which, as it says, makes it easy to inject your precise medication dose for every injection prescribed. But it still doesn’t seem so easy to me. I’m still paranoid I’ll do it wrong. What if I set the dose wrong? What if when I load the new dose in, it doesn’t really all go in? I don’t trust it when you can’t see how much you put in like you can when it’s a vial. And besides the fact that you have to put a new needle on each time. Wait, I guess now that I’m writing it down, that putting the new needle on each time part doesn’t seem so scary. I need to stop being so scared of doing it wrong.
And for the MENOPUR medication, it involves two vials, one of which is sodium chloride and the other the MENOPUR tablet. It involves mixing these together with the use of more than one needle. This medication also comes with a Q-Cap. It is the only available vial adapter for needle-free reconstitution. It’s really quite interesting. The Q-Cap helps to eliminate stress, anxiety, and accidental needle sticks. This involves way too many steps for me still which therefore, still scares the crap out of me.
So, with all these shots, I am so very thankful to live just 2 short blocks away from my sister, Jesse, who happens to be a nurse at Mayo. And she gets everything together and injects the shots for me. Luckily for her, this stint of 3 shots per day only last for the next 10 days. So, I should be able to relieve her of her duties after these 10 days are up. We bundle up every night in this cold Minnesota winter weather a little before 9pm to head over to get shots from who I call, my Miracle Nurse…Jesse!
The shots go just fine. 150 units of GONAL F and 75 units of MENOPUR. All are given into my stomach. My only complaint is the MENOPUR shot, which is painful. It feels like someone is pinching your skin as hard as they possibly can. I can feel the medication going into my body and spreading out in different directions.
So, I guess I'd say I'm afraid of the medication...not the needles!
Friday, January 8, 2010
INITIATION OF STIMULATION
Today starts the stimulation phase of the protocol! Awesome! So far so good and right on schedule. What a relief! This now means I’m adding two nightly shots to my still morning shot. So, now we’re up to 3 shots a day!
Since my ovaries have “shut down,” as they are supposed to, my dose of LUPRON now goes down to 10 units daily. I start two more shots at night, GONAL F and MENOPUR. GONAL F (Follitropin Alfa – pronounced “foll-ih-troh-pin) is a follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) that makes the follicular cells in the ovary grow, which then stimulates egg development and the female hormone estrogen. This basically means it helps the ovaries to make more eggs. (The follicles are what contain the eggs.)
MENOPUR (Menotropins – pronounced “men oh troe pins”) is a human menopausal gonadotropin which is an ovulation drug. It’s an equal mixture of the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteninizing hormone (LH). These are both important for the development of the follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. MENOPUR is used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs to be collected for IVF.
I take these 2 shots daily at night (with the LUPRON in the morning for a total of 3) until the week of January 18th.
Since my ovaries have “shut down,” as they are supposed to, my dose of LUPRON now goes down to 10 units daily. I start two more shots at night, GONAL F and MENOPUR. GONAL F (Follitropin Alfa – pronounced “foll-ih-troh-pin) is a follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) that makes the follicular cells in the ovary grow, which then stimulates egg development and the female hormone estrogen. This basically means it helps the ovaries to make more eggs. (The follicles are what contain the eggs.)
MENOPUR (Menotropins – pronounced “men oh troe pins”) is a human menopausal gonadotropin which is an ovulation drug. It’s an equal mixture of the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteninizing hormone (LH). These are both important for the development of the follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. MENOPUR is used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs to be collected for IVF.
I take these 2 shots daily at night (with the LUPRON in the morning for a total of 3) until the week of January 18th.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
DOWN REGULATION CHECK
I stopped the birth control pills on January 1st and got my period on January 5th. Today is the “down regulation check,” which is an ultrasound and a blood test to check ovarian suppression. (“Ultrasound” sounds like fun, but of course these are vaginal ultrasounds, so it’s a not as enjoyable if you know what I mean!)
So, I braved the snow, wind, and icy roads by myself to get to Mayo this morning for an ultrasound and blood test. My ultrasound showed a few cysts, which is weird since that's one of the reasons they put you on birth control (it's supposed to help so you don't get any.) The ultrasound nurse asked me, "Do you have a history of endometriosis?" I thought to myself, "Oh no, this doesn't sound good." I said no and asked why. And then she said I had a cyst. I know if you have a cyst it could rupture and of course that's not good. (I've had cysts multiple times in the past and when that occurs you have to stop the medications and wait until it clears the next month or 2.) I met with a nurse quick and she told me the doctors would meet up at noon to discuss the ultrasound with my blood test results. If the cysts were too big, we'd have to wait it out and try again next month. I had to wait until 3pm to call the "lab talk" line, where they leave you messages. And yes - great news - they said it is still a go. The blood results were good, cysts were small and they're not worried at all. So, tomorrow starts the next phase – stimulation! More drugs = more side effects! Oh joy!
So, I braved the snow, wind, and icy roads by myself to get to Mayo this morning for an ultrasound and blood test. My ultrasound showed a few cysts, which is weird since that's one of the reasons they put you on birth control (it's supposed to help so you don't get any.) The ultrasound nurse asked me, "Do you have a history of endometriosis?" I thought to myself, "Oh no, this doesn't sound good." I said no and asked why. And then she said I had a cyst. I know if you have a cyst it could rupture and of course that's not good. (I've had cysts multiple times in the past and when that occurs you have to stop the medications and wait until it clears the next month or 2.) I met with a nurse quick and she told me the doctors would meet up at noon to discuss the ultrasound with my blood test results. If the cysts were too big, we'd have to wait it out and try again next month. I had to wait until 3pm to call the "lab talk" line, where they leave you messages. And yes - great news - they said it is still a go. The blood results were good, cysts were small and they're not worried at all. So, tomorrow starts the next phase – stimulation! More drugs = more side effects! Oh joy!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
My husband is absolutely amazing. Besides his obsession with golf and his small touch of OCD – he’s absolutely perfect. Perfect for me! And anything else that sort of annoys me about him really isn’t his fault – it’s a result of something I’m ultimately just annoyed with about myself. Nick is so supportive, loving, giving, and understanding. He’ll do anything to make me feel better. Like running out late at night to pick me up some ice cream while I was in one of my “moods” and craving ice cream RIGHT NOW!
He loves me when I’m happy. He loves me when I’m sad. He even loves me even when I’m hormonally imbalanced because of all the medications. He holds me when I’m crying and squeezes my head when I have a headache. He gives me shots in the butt even though it scares the crap out of him. He gives me a backrub without even having to be begged…sometimes! I’m convinced any other man would have left me by now, and I take comfort in the fact that I know he never will. We’re in this together…for better or for worse.
I’m thankful for a husband who is full of faith and prays for God’s will. I’m thankful that God has used this in our lives to make us stronger as a couple and more faithful in our relationship with Him. I’m thankful for my husband who will never leave my side…my husband who loves me for me and who lets me feel how I need to feel. I love you, Nick!
He loves me when I’m happy. He loves me when I’m sad. He even loves me even when I’m hormonally imbalanced because of all the medications. He holds me when I’m crying and squeezes my head when I have a headache. He gives me shots in the butt even though it scares the crap out of him. He gives me a backrub without even having to be begged…sometimes! I’m convinced any other man would have left me by now, and I take comfort in the fact that I know he never will. We’re in this together…for better or for worse.
I’m thankful for a husband who is full of faith and prays for God’s will. I’m thankful that God has used this in our lives to make us stronger as a couple and more faithful in our relationship with Him. I’m thankful for my husband who will never leave my side…my husband who loves me for me and who lets me feel how I need to feel. I love you, Nick!
Monday, January 4, 2010
MENOPAUSE UPDATE
Menopause is still going okay! The side effects have been “okay” - nothing a strong woman like me can't handle...ha! The "hot flashes" have moved to my ears! A few times a day my ears just start burning like crazy. It's the weirdest thing! I can feel the follicles in my ovaries, lots of pressure and bloating. I even stopped going to workout at Curves because I'm afraid they're gonna blow. And I've still been very tired. (I'm happy to report Nick has given me a couple back rubs because my lower back has been quite sore!) There's other symptoms that I won't discuss, most of which involve interesting mucus (too much information!) since you probably don't want to hear about them anyway. But yes, I’m happy to report that I’m surviving menopause….so far…
Saturday, January 2, 2010
PATIENTLY OR NOT-SO-PATIENTLY WAITING
Can you imagine having to pretend for 2 weeks of every month for 39 months in a row that you’re pregnant? 39 months…that’s 1220 days. That means for a total of approximately 20 months of my life, I’ve had to pretend to be pregnant without ever being pregnant. With that many months of being pregnant, I could have popped out 2.22 babies by now!
Oftentimes, at this point of the month, I’m afraid to hope because I don’t want to be more disappointed. You put up a guard because without one, the crushing disappointment is often too heard to bear. I often wonder if I have the emotional resilience to survive another failure and start over again the next month.
But then I get my period, which as contradictive as it sounds - is almost a relief. I’m so anxious, but then have a sense of peace because at least it’s a definite answer. And I can try to look forward to the next month. Nevertheless, I seem to find enough renewed strength and hope to at least try. Even though “trying” can mean very different things in every different month!
After the two-week-waiting game, (I’m so sick of playing this game!) starts what I call the “almost-two-week-at-least-you-know” phase. A little under 2 weeks that you definitely know you’re not pregnant. It’s about two weeks of being able to do what you want. Get in that hottub, drink that wine, and indulge in some extra caffeine.
I’ll patiently wait, I’ll not so patiently wait…no matter what, I’m waiting…
Oftentimes, at this point of the month, I’m afraid to hope because I don’t want to be more disappointed. You put up a guard because without one, the crushing disappointment is often too heard to bear. I often wonder if I have the emotional resilience to survive another failure and start over again the next month.
But then I get my period, which as contradictive as it sounds - is almost a relief. I’m so anxious, but then have a sense of peace because at least it’s a definite answer. And I can try to look forward to the next month. Nevertheless, I seem to find enough renewed strength and hope to at least try. Even though “trying” can mean very different things in every different month!
After the two-week-waiting game, (I’m so sick of playing this game!) starts what I call the “almost-two-week-at-least-you-know” phase. A little under 2 weeks that you definitely know you’re not pregnant. It’s about two weeks of being able to do what you want. Get in that hottub, drink that wine, and indulge in some extra caffeine.
I’ll patiently wait, I’ll not so patiently wait…no matter what, I’m waiting…
Thursday, December 31, 2009
INFERTILITY IS…
Infertility isn’t just “We can’t get pregnant”, for me it was and is:
• trading intimacy and passion for shots, ultrasounds, and results
• people minimizing how i feel
• suffering the two-week-wait over and over and over again (39 times so far!)
• “pretending” I am pregnant during that two-week-wait (which ultimately equals out to half of every month!) just in case you really are, because you don’t want to harm your “maybe baby” in anyway
• making myself question my self worth and faith
• avoiding baby showers, pregnant women, and the baby aisles
• putting off vacations because we’re saving money for more treatments
• sitting in a room full of pregnant women while waiting for my infertility appointments
• taking a pregnancy test and never seeing a positive sign
• taking pre-natal vitamins every day for over 3 years, just in case I was pregnant
• taking time off work to go to appointments
• quitting my job to try to reduce stress and so you had more time for appointments
• quitting my job also because it was too heartbreaking to be surrounded by children all day long
• having my period come one day late, taking a pregnancy test, and finding out it’s negative, only to get my period the very next day
• spending thousands and thousands of dollars on fertility treatments
• gambling on treatments that may or may not work
• sitting at home waiting for my specialty fertility drugs to arrive via UPS so they don’t get too hot or too cold waiting outside the door
• finding out my unmarried close friend is pregnant and she wasn’t even trying
• finding out a family member is pregnant from another source
• hearing about yet another abortion of a beautiful, innocent baby (makes me sick to my stomach)
• having my doctor become part of your intimate sex life by telling us when and how often to have sex
• having that scheduled sex month after month
• arguing with my spouse because both of us are so tired and aren’t in the mood, but you’re ovulating so you HAVE to have sex or another month is wasted
• waking up after 3 hours of crappy sleep after falling asleep upset because I haven’t had sex yet like we were supposed to
• taking my basal body temperature daily to find out those peek ovulation times
• thinking that taking my body temp daily is not very fun and realizing that peeing on those ovulation sticks are much more enjoyable. (Because at least you see a positive sign at some point which gives me hope that I might see a positive on a pregnancy test someday!)
• realizing that honestly the daily body temperature and ovulation sticks both suck and deciding to stop doing both!
• spending a lot of time daydreaming about: when that day will be that I finally take a positive pregnancy test, the names of your future children, and where they might go to college.
• imagining and scheming up the most creative way to tell others when I finally am pregnant
• not going to my 10 year high school reunion because I’m afraid of answering all the “children” questions
• trading intimacy and passion for shots, ultrasounds, and results
• people minimizing how i feel
• suffering the two-week-wait over and over and over again (39 times so far!)
• “pretending” I am pregnant during that two-week-wait (which ultimately equals out to half of every month!) just in case you really are, because you don’t want to harm your “maybe baby” in anyway
• making myself question my self worth and faith
• avoiding baby showers, pregnant women, and the baby aisles
• putting off vacations because we’re saving money for more treatments
• sitting in a room full of pregnant women while waiting for my infertility appointments
• taking a pregnancy test and never seeing a positive sign
• taking pre-natal vitamins every day for over 3 years, just in case I was pregnant
• taking time off work to go to appointments
• quitting my job to try to reduce stress and so you had more time for appointments
• quitting my job also because it was too heartbreaking to be surrounded by children all day long
• having my period come one day late, taking a pregnancy test, and finding out it’s negative, only to get my period the very next day
• spending thousands and thousands of dollars on fertility treatments
• gambling on treatments that may or may not work
• sitting at home waiting for my specialty fertility drugs to arrive via UPS so they don’t get too hot or too cold waiting outside the door
• finding out my unmarried close friend is pregnant and she wasn’t even trying
• finding out a family member is pregnant from another source
• hearing about yet another abortion of a beautiful, innocent baby (makes me sick to my stomach)
• having my doctor become part of your intimate sex life by telling us when and how often to have sex
• having that scheduled sex month after month
• arguing with my spouse because both of us are so tired and aren’t in the mood, but you’re ovulating so you HAVE to have sex or another month is wasted
• waking up after 3 hours of crappy sleep after falling asleep upset because I haven’t had sex yet like we were supposed to
• taking my basal body temperature daily to find out those peek ovulation times
• thinking that taking my body temp daily is not very fun and realizing that peeing on those ovulation sticks are much more enjoyable. (Because at least you see a positive sign at some point which gives me hope that I might see a positive on a pregnancy test someday!)
• realizing that honestly the daily body temperature and ovulation sticks both suck and deciding to stop doing both!
• spending a lot of time daydreaming about: when that day will be that I finally take a positive pregnancy test, the names of your future children, and where they might go to college.
• imagining and scheming up the most creative way to tell others when I finally am pregnant
• not going to my 10 year high school reunion because I’m afraid of answering all the “children” questions
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
MENOPAUSE AT THE RIPE OL’ AGE OF 29!
Getting the Lupron shot all ready!
This week I started the LUPRON (Leuprolide – pronounced “loo pro lide”) shot, which basically puts me into menopause. It over stimulates the body’s own production of hormones, which causes my “lady parts” to shut down.
What is Lupron?
Lupron helps shut off my body’s natural stimulation from my pituitary gland to my ovaries. Pituitary suppression is important for recruitment of multiple follicles or eggs. The more eggs I can grow during any given IVF round, the higher the chances of success. By desensitizing the pituitary's signals from the brain, Lupron blocks the natural tendency of the brain to allow only one dominant follicle to grow in each cycle. Also the medicine’s purpose is to prevent me from ovulating unexpectedly during the stimulation injection part of our cycle. Basically from here on out my entire cycle will be ruled by hormones that I'm injecting rather than the ones my body produces naturally.
Therefore, I’m going through the lovely side effects of menopause. I’ve had hot flashes during the day and night sweats while sleeping. Hot flashes are such a crazy thing. There’s really nothing to compare it to, really. You know how it feels when you’re outside on a really hot day in the summer? And you can feel the heat burning at your skin from the outside going in. To me, a hot flash felt just opposite, like this heat was literally burning, coming from your insides trying to get out. These hot flashes turned out to not be too bad for me since it’s mid winter. I like to think of it as free heat! And the night sweats aren’t too bad either. I’d wake up so warm and have to throw the covers off of me. Once again, this was fine for us because I was a personal heater for Nick!
I’ve also had mood swings, but I think I’ve had those for the past 3 years straight anyway, so I guess it’s not too much of a shocker (poor Nick!). Mostly I've been really tired. Naps are fun! I’m enjoying having these in my daily schedule. My lower back is really sore too, so I've been bugging Nick for a massage. Hopefully he gives in one of these days.
We’ve been taught how to give shots through Shot Clinics at Mayo, but Jesse’s still here to help me! I figured I better get the guts do it myself, since next week it’ll be up to 3 shots a day and would be a little inconvenient to go to Jesse’s at different times of the day to have her do all of them!
So I gave myself the LUPRON shot for the first time on Tuesday. This shot of 20 units is to be done at the same time every morning into the subcutaneous tissue in the stomach. (Subcutaneous tissue is the third of the three layers of skin. The subcutaneous layer contains fat and connective tissue that houses larger blood vessels and nerves.) It takes me a minute to talk myself up to go through with it, but then I think of what Jesse told me, “Pretend you’re a diabetic and if you don’t give yourself the shot right now – you’re gonna die.” Works like a charm!
P.S. The shots are going amazingly well. It's red and itchy after each injection but nothing drastic. A little bruising too, but nothing to complain about. It's actually getting easier to stab myself!
I take this injection daily until January 16th, which is two days before my retrieval.
Who knew I’d go through menopause at the ripe old age of 29? Seriously? Wow!
Ready for the shot. (I didn't smile while actually doing it!)
This week I started the LUPRON (Leuprolide – pronounced “loo pro lide”) shot, which basically puts me into menopause. It over stimulates the body’s own production of hormones, which causes my “lady parts” to shut down.
What is Lupron?
Lupron helps shut off my body’s natural stimulation from my pituitary gland to my ovaries. Pituitary suppression is important for recruitment of multiple follicles or eggs. The more eggs I can grow during any given IVF round, the higher the chances of success. By desensitizing the pituitary's signals from the brain, Lupron blocks the natural tendency of the brain to allow only one dominant follicle to grow in each cycle. Also the medicine’s purpose is to prevent me from ovulating unexpectedly during the stimulation injection part of our cycle. Basically from here on out my entire cycle will be ruled by hormones that I'm injecting rather than the ones my body produces naturally.
Therefore, I’m going through the lovely side effects of menopause. I’ve had hot flashes during the day and night sweats while sleeping. Hot flashes are such a crazy thing. There’s really nothing to compare it to, really. You know how it feels when you’re outside on a really hot day in the summer? And you can feel the heat burning at your skin from the outside going in. To me, a hot flash felt just opposite, like this heat was literally burning, coming from your insides trying to get out. These hot flashes turned out to not be too bad for me since it’s mid winter. I like to think of it as free heat! And the night sweats aren’t too bad either. I’d wake up so warm and have to throw the covers off of me. Once again, this was fine for us because I was a personal heater for Nick!
I’ve also had mood swings, but I think I’ve had those for the past 3 years straight anyway, so I guess it’s not too much of a shocker (poor Nick!). Mostly I've been really tired. Naps are fun! I’m enjoying having these in my daily schedule. My lower back is really sore too, so I've been bugging Nick for a massage. Hopefully he gives in one of these days.
We’ve been taught how to give shots through Shot Clinics at Mayo, but Jesse’s still here to help me! I figured I better get the guts do it myself, since next week it’ll be up to 3 shots a day and would be a little inconvenient to go to Jesse’s at different times of the day to have her do all of them!
So I gave myself the LUPRON shot for the first time on Tuesday. This shot of 20 units is to be done at the same time every morning into the subcutaneous tissue in the stomach. (Subcutaneous tissue is the third of the three layers of skin. The subcutaneous layer contains fat and connective tissue that houses larger blood vessels and nerves.) It takes me a minute to talk myself up to go through with it, but then I think of what Jesse told me, “Pretend you’re a diabetic and if you don’t give yourself the shot right now – you’re gonna die.” Works like a charm!
P.S. The shots are going amazingly well. It's red and itchy after each injection but nothing drastic. A little bruising too, but nothing to complain about. It's actually getting easier to stab myself!
I take this injection daily until January 16th, which is two days before my retrieval.
Who knew I’d go through menopause at the ripe old age of 29? Seriously? Wow!
Ready for the shot. (I didn't smile while actually doing it!)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
OVERWHELMING MEDICATIONS!
Here are photos of my dear sister helping me look through, count, double-check, and organize all the needles, syringes, and medications for IVF. It was overwhelming!
Monday, December 21, 2009
TEARS & THE HATRED OF INFERTILITY
I wonder how much my tears would all add up to? I’ve had tiny tears, sobbing tears, tears so gigantic I couldn’t seem to breath, angry tears with fists and kicking legs (okay, so yes, I admit I still have tiny temper tantrums), hopeful tears, happy tears, sad tears, and empty tears. Empty tears are ones that I wanted to cry, but there weren’t any left to let out. I cry for my baby I’ve never held; my husband who not only bears his own pain but tries to be strong for me; and for feeling weak myself.
I hate is a strong word. But yes, I hate infertility. Infertility is the most depleting experience I’ve ever faced. It’s slowing draining the life out of me. I wish I didn’t have to go through this and that no on one ever did. In fact, I don’t even wish infertility upon my worst enemy.
I’ve had friends/acquaintances who have gone through infertility at the same time as me. And after they’ve become pregnant – their contact with me lessens or stops. I often wonder if they totally forget those “infertility feelings.” How awesome would that be!?!? But then, the more I think about it – the more I know I don’t want to forget. That’s one reason I began journaling and writing. Even with all the heartache – I don’t want to forget the pain, because it’s made me who I am today…and I’m okay with that.
It’s heartbreaking watching friends and acquaintances have two children between my infertility of three years. I find myself thinking that if we got pregnant the first month we tried, right now we’d have a 2 ½ year old running around right now. Today I’m having a pity party. And I think that’s okay. I’m tired of people telling me HOW and HOW NOT to feel. Today I feel like having a pity party, so that’s what I’m gonna do…
I hate is a strong word. But yes, I hate infertility. Infertility is the most depleting experience I’ve ever faced. It’s slowing draining the life out of me. I wish I didn’t have to go through this and that no on one ever did. In fact, I don’t even wish infertility upon my worst enemy.
I’ve had friends/acquaintances who have gone through infertility at the same time as me. And after they’ve become pregnant – their contact with me lessens or stops. I often wonder if they totally forget those “infertility feelings.” How awesome would that be!?!? But then, the more I think about it – the more I know I don’t want to forget. That’s one reason I began journaling and writing. Even with all the heartache – I don’t want to forget the pain, because it’s made me who I am today…and I’m okay with that.
It’s heartbreaking watching friends and acquaintances have two children between my infertility of three years. I find myself thinking that if we got pregnant the first month we tried, right now we’d have a 2 ½ year old running around right now. Today I’m having a pity party. And I think that’s okay. I’m tired of people telling me HOW and HOW NOT to feel. Today I feel like having a pity party, so that’s what I’m gonna do…
Sunday, December 20, 2009
GETTING PREGNANT: THE “UNCONVENTIONAL” WAY
People become pregnant by having sexual intercourse. Or at least that’s how I always thought I’d get pregnant. I thought I knew how to make a baby! People jokingly asked me if we were “doing it right.” Ha, ha, very funny. (not really!) So naturally I started questioning myself. I’ve only had one sexual partner, so honestly, I did start to think that maybe we were having sex “wrong.”
Without getting into detail (and here’s one of those parts I mentioned that you might not want to hear), we tried it all. I’ve layed in bed for up to an hour after, just to try to keep it all in. I’ve propped my butt up on pillows to keep it all from sliding out. I’m surprised we didn’t hang me up from the ceiling by my feet to let gravity take it’s course. (Trust me, I did momentarily contemplate it.) We tried at different times of the day.
It wasn’t until the “conventional” way didn’t work for us, that I realized I may be one of those people that would have an “unconventional” story. After two of my IUI’s, from the reproductive female nurses at MAYO, I was really hoping I could finally tell people that I got pregnant “from a woman without even having sex.” What a story for the baby book! Ha! After those failed and going on with our first round of in-vitro, I then found myself hoping that I could tell people that I got pregnant “from a man who isn’t my husband without even having sex.” Ha! Even better!
Without getting into detail (and here’s one of those parts I mentioned that you might not want to hear), we tried it all. I’ve layed in bed for up to an hour after, just to try to keep it all in. I’ve propped my butt up on pillows to keep it all from sliding out. I’m surprised we didn’t hang me up from the ceiling by my feet to let gravity take it’s course. (Trust me, I did momentarily contemplate it.) We tried at different times of the day.
It wasn’t until the “conventional” way didn’t work for us, that I realized I may be one of those people that would have an “unconventional” story. After two of my IUI’s, from the reproductive female nurses at MAYO, I was really hoping I could finally tell people that I got pregnant “from a woman without even having sex.” What a story for the baby book! Ha! After those failed and going on with our first round of in-vitro, I then found myself hoping that I could tell people that I got pregnant “from a man who isn’t my husband without even having sex.” Ha! Even better!
Friday, December 18, 2009
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME
Today I’m realizing it’s not all about me. Maybe I don’t need to understand. I need to TRUST! Jesus gave up his life for me, so why am I not trusting my life to Him? (It sounds so simple, but why is it so hard to believe 100% of the time!?)
There’s always going to be seasons of hope and seasons of despair. We never know when they will happen or how long they will stay. But we can always be sure that God will work it for good. I’m looking to the future with anticipation and excitement. I’m trusting in God’s time and plan for our lives. I’m not ruining today anymore. I’m enjoying the time I have TODAY, as there’s no guarantees for tomorrow.
Anyone can give thanks and praise God during the happy times. It’s natural! But if you can give thanks and praise God during the sad times as well, then you are a shining example to everyone. I want to reflect and shine my light to others. I want people to say, “What’s Amy got? I want some of that.”
Well, I’ll tell you my secret – and it’s not even a secret at all. I’m a child of God. A child of God who wants to do His will and show others that God loves them too. This world and the people are too incredible to have happened my chance. We were created in His image. I pray and hope that everyone in this world has a chance to hear that they are loved by God. I’ve been blessed to be raised by loving, Christian parents. I’ve been blessed to have a member of supportive churches my entire life. But my greatest blessing is through Jesus. And because of that I have inherited eternal life and no one can take that from me.
So, it’s not about me. But it is about how my life can shine to show others the light of God! As the saying goes, “Your life may be the only Bible some people read.”
There’s always going to be seasons of hope and seasons of despair. We never know when they will happen or how long they will stay. But we can always be sure that God will work it for good. I’m looking to the future with anticipation and excitement. I’m trusting in God’s time and plan for our lives. I’m not ruining today anymore. I’m enjoying the time I have TODAY, as there’s no guarantees for tomorrow.
Anyone can give thanks and praise God during the happy times. It’s natural! But if you can give thanks and praise God during the sad times as well, then you are a shining example to everyone. I want to reflect and shine my light to others. I want people to say, “What’s Amy got? I want some of that.”
Well, I’ll tell you my secret – and it’s not even a secret at all. I’m a child of God. A child of God who wants to do His will and show others that God loves them too. This world and the people are too incredible to have happened my chance. We were created in His image. I pray and hope that everyone in this world has a chance to hear that they are loved by God. I’ve been blessed to be raised by loving, Christian parents. I’ve been blessed to have a member of supportive churches my entire life. But my greatest blessing is through Jesus. And because of that I have inherited eternal life and no one can take that from me.
So, it’s not about me. But it is about how my life can shine to show others the light of God! As the saying goes, “Your life may be the only Bible some people read.”
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
MEDICATIONS HAVE ARRIVED!
Here they are! The medications have arrived. We're ready for IVF!
Now that is what I call a lot of needles and drugs!!
Now that is what I call a lot of needles and drugs!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES
Nick and I, together have found hope in God’s time and His plan for our family. It is this hope that keeps us on our path. Even though at times we may waver, we soon find ourselves right back where we need to be. We’ve been tested to our limits, but we have survived. We’ve been strengthened together as friends, lovers, and future parents.
We’re proud of ourselves amidst this crazy ride. I’ve heard PRIDE described as: “Personal Responsibility for Individual Daily Effort.” It has taken that daily effort, those baby steps. We’re proud that we’ve taken it one day at a time, moving forward even when oftentimes, we so desperately wanted to stop. We’ve gone through and sacrificed a lot in order to make our family. But, we’d do it all over again….no questions asked. We’ve stood in faith for all these years and we’re not stopping now. And we know God will faithfully and lovingly answer our prayers according to His will.
A blessing from our infertility is that we’re stronger both individually and as a couple. We’ve leaned on each other and our faith and relationship with God has strengthened. The next steps are yet to be made, but we are certain that our love for each other and our future children will never diminish. So, we’re celebrating that love for each other, our love for our Lord, and our love for our future children.
If you told me in the beginning of our infertility that I would grow to feel a sense of purpose, pride, and passion for infertility– I would have thought you were crazy. But it’s true. As the years have passed, we’ve changed. Infertility resides in our hearts. Infertility is a part of who we are. And we’re okay with that.
I believe in miracles. And I know someday I’ll be a mother.
We’re proud of ourselves amidst this crazy ride. I’ve heard PRIDE described as: “Personal Responsibility for Individual Daily Effort.” It has taken that daily effort, those baby steps. We’re proud that we’ve taken it one day at a time, moving forward even when oftentimes, we so desperately wanted to stop. We’ve gone through and sacrificed a lot in order to make our family. But, we’d do it all over again….no questions asked. We’ve stood in faith for all these years and we’re not stopping now. And we know God will faithfully and lovingly answer our prayers according to His will.
A blessing from our infertility is that we’re stronger both individually and as a couple. We’ve leaned on each other and our faith and relationship with God has strengthened. The next steps are yet to be made, but we are certain that our love for each other and our future children will never diminish. So, we’re celebrating that love for each other, our love for our Lord, and our love for our future children.
If you told me in the beginning of our infertility that I would grow to feel a sense of purpose, pride, and passion for infertility– I would have thought you were crazy. But it’s true. As the years have passed, we’ve changed. Infertility resides in our hearts. Infertility is a part of who we are. And we’re okay with that.
I believe in miracles. And I know someday I’ll be a mother.
Monday, December 14, 2009
KEEPING IT ALL TOGETHER WHEN SPERM AND EGG STUBBORNLY REMAIN APART
There’s a book titled, “Infertility Sucks! (Keeping it all together when sperm and egg stubbornly remain apart.)” by Beverly Barna. I haven’t read it, but I can imagine it’d be a great one.
I came across the title online and it made me start to think about how Nick and I have kept it together. So, I’d like to tell you know Nick and I kept it all together during a time it felt like it was all falling apart…
Just like any other couple, we were quite unprepared for the journey of infertility. But I suppose you can’t ever really be prepared for something like this. We would have never chosen this for ourselves – but who would?
Many people just consider infertility to be stressful because someone can’t get pregnant. But there is so much more! Infertility tests and treatments are very physically, emotionally, and financially stressful and can oftentimes become entirely unbearable. Ultimately, it can put a great strain on your marriage and can cause a couple to grow apart. It can even cause a loving couple to separate or divorce.
The month after month of disappointments takes a toll on every aspect of your life. And who better than to take it all out on than your spouse, right? They’re there, they are part of what you’re each going through, so, it mine as well be them!
The infertility medications can make your hormones all out of whack. I had mood swings like you can’t even imagine. Poor Nick. I know there were many times I didn’t treat him well. And I don’t blame it ALL on the medications, I know there were things I could have stopped myself from saying and ways I could have stopped acting. I take responsibility for my “diarrhea of the mouth.” I’ve said things I’m definitely not proud of…things to intentionally hurt Nick so possibly he could maybe, just maybe, for a second feel just an ounce of the pain I felt. But after I said those things, I apologized. And I think he understood. He forgave me. I apologize a lot lately. And thankfully he forgives me a lot.
We keep it together by knowing that we’ll never be apart. Marriage is a lot about compromise. It should be full of a lot of giving and just a little taking. It’s about trust and support. It’s about working through the good and bad. It’s about always communicating. It’s never giving up. We remember our vows we made to each other on our wedding day, and we know that together, with God, we’ll make it through anything. Marriage is about love…unconditional love…and I know our love will never end…
I came across the title online and it made me start to think about how Nick and I have kept it together. So, I’d like to tell you know Nick and I kept it all together during a time it felt like it was all falling apart…
Just like any other couple, we were quite unprepared for the journey of infertility. But I suppose you can’t ever really be prepared for something like this. We would have never chosen this for ourselves – but who would?
Many people just consider infertility to be stressful because someone can’t get pregnant. But there is so much more! Infertility tests and treatments are very physically, emotionally, and financially stressful and can oftentimes become entirely unbearable. Ultimately, it can put a great strain on your marriage and can cause a couple to grow apart. It can even cause a loving couple to separate or divorce.
The month after month of disappointments takes a toll on every aspect of your life. And who better than to take it all out on than your spouse, right? They’re there, they are part of what you’re each going through, so, it mine as well be them!
The infertility medications can make your hormones all out of whack. I had mood swings like you can’t even imagine. Poor Nick. I know there were many times I didn’t treat him well. And I don’t blame it ALL on the medications, I know there were things I could have stopped myself from saying and ways I could have stopped acting. I take responsibility for my “diarrhea of the mouth.” I’ve said things I’m definitely not proud of…things to intentionally hurt Nick so possibly he could maybe, just maybe, for a second feel just an ounce of the pain I felt. But after I said those things, I apologized. And I think he understood. He forgave me. I apologize a lot lately. And thankfully he forgives me a lot.
We keep it together by knowing that we’ll never be apart. Marriage is a lot about compromise. It should be full of a lot of giving and just a little taking. It’s about trust and support. It’s about working through the good and bad. It’s about always communicating. It’s never giving up. We remember our vows we made to each other on our wedding day, and we know that together, with God, we’ll make it through anything. Marriage is about love…unconditional love…and I know our love will never end…
Saturday, December 12, 2009
NOTE TO SELF
I try to tell myself these things and make myself believe them, but of course it is way easier said than done. Hence, here’s my little note to myself…
Enjoy the time you have. Don’t waste it “over-wishing” you had children or being sad you don’t. Or else you might miss all the great things that are happening right in front of you. Try to enjoy what you have and where you are in life. You have control over your own happiness, even though being happy at certain times may seem impossible. Don’t minimize the heartache infertility causes, but do know that you can’t let it overcome you.
Don’t loose track of where you are coming from and where you are going. You’re learning a lot about yourself and you are standing on stronger emotional footing because you’ve allowed yourself to confront the horrible, scary stuff! Don’t deny your emotions. Allow yourself to feel scared and cry when you need to because it’s preparing you to be strong and positive when you really need to be.
Don’t worry too much about if you’re being selfish. It’s not selfishness, but self-preservation. Do what you need to do to make it through this. Sometimes you will want to talk about it and other times you won’t. This is okay. Just take it one day at a time. And someday soon you will find yourself smiling at little children the same way you hope to smile at your own someday.
Enjoy the time you have. Don’t waste it “over-wishing” you had children or being sad you don’t. Or else you might miss all the great things that are happening right in front of you. Try to enjoy what you have and where you are in life. You have control over your own happiness, even though being happy at certain times may seem impossible. Don’t minimize the heartache infertility causes, but do know that you can’t let it overcome you.
Don’t loose track of where you are coming from and where you are going. You’re learning a lot about yourself and you are standing on stronger emotional footing because you’ve allowed yourself to confront the horrible, scary stuff! Don’t deny your emotions. Allow yourself to feel scared and cry when you need to because it’s preparing you to be strong and positive when you really need to be.
Don’t worry too much about if you’re being selfish. It’s not selfishness, but self-preservation. Do what you need to do to make it through this. Sometimes you will want to talk about it and other times you won’t. This is okay. Just take it one day at a time. And someday soon you will find yourself smiling at little children the same way you hope to smile at your own someday.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME, GOD ISN’T FINISHED WITH ME YET!
I know I may have hurt you along the way. Infertility doesn’t just affect the husband and wife. It affects their family and loved ones as well. I’m truly sorry if I’ve hurt you along the way. I’m sorry if I’ve ignored or neglected you. I’m sorry if my own pity party has triumphed over the good or bad things happening in your life. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to survive this…
You’ve seen our tears. You’ve filled us with hope and prayers. And most likely, at some point, you’ve felt a piece of the giant holes in our hearts. We know it hasn’t been easy, we know we haven’t always been the happiest to be around, and we know at times, we’ve neglected others.
For those of you who have cried with us, prayed with us, and loved us – we can never repay you. For those of you who have cried for us, prayed for us, and loved us – we can never repay you. This experience is quite the defining chapter of our lives. We’re learning a lot about ourselves, each other, and our relationships with YOU!
So, please be patient with me…God isn’t finished with me yet…
You’ve seen our tears. You’ve filled us with hope and prayers. And most likely, at some point, you’ve felt a piece of the giant holes in our hearts. We know it hasn’t been easy, we know we haven’t always been the happiest to be around, and we know at times, we’ve neglected others.
For those of you who have cried with us, prayed with us, and loved us – we can never repay you. For those of you who have cried for us, prayed for us, and loved us – we can never repay you. This experience is quite the defining chapter of our lives. We’re learning a lot about ourselves, each other, and our relationships with YOU!
So, please be patient with me…God isn’t finished with me yet…
Monday, December 7, 2009
WHAT IS ICSI – INTRACYTOPLASMIC SPERM INJECTION?
This information is from www.advancedfertility.com
ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. A common reason used for performing ICSI is for a male factor of the sperm concentrations of less an 15-20 million per milliliter, sperm motility less than 35%, and very poor sperm morphology.
• IVF with ICSI involves the use of specialized micromanipulation tools and equipment and inverted microscopes that enable embryologists to select and pick up individual sperm in a specially designed ICSI needle.
• Then the needle is carefully advanced through the outer shell of the egg and the egg membrane - and the sperm is injected into the inner part (cytoplasm) of the egg.
• This will usually result in normal fertilization in about 75-85% of eggs injected with sperm.
• However, first the woman must be stimulated with medications and have an egg retrieval procedure so we can obtain several eggs for in vitro fertilization and ICSI.
How is ICSI performed?
1. The mature egg is held with a specialized holding pipette.
2. A very delicate, sharp and hollow needle is used to immobilize and pick up a single sperm.
3. This needle is then carefully inserted through the zona (shell of the egg) and in to the center (cytoplasm) of the egg.
4. The sperm is injected in the cytoplasm and the needle is removed.
5. The eggs are checked the next morning for evidence of normal fertilization.
Photos below are an ICSI fertilization procedure in progress.
About to inject the egg with a sperm
Holding pipette on left
ICSI needle on right
Sperm head visible in needle at far right, just below X
Polar body of egg at 7 o'clock
Needle is advanced to the left
Shell of embryo has already been penetrated by needle
Membrane of egg (oolemma) is stretching and is about to break
Sperm head is visible at tip of needle
ICSI needle has penetrated the egg membrane
A single sperm is being injected into the cytoplasm of the egg
ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. A common reason used for performing ICSI is for a male factor of the sperm concentrations of less an 15-20 million per milliliter, sperm motility less than 35%, and very poor sperm morphology.
• IVF with ICSI involves the use of specialized micromanipulation tools and equipment and inverted microscopes that enable embryologists to select and pick up individual sperm in a specially designed ICSI needle.
• Then the needle is carefully advanced through the outer shell of the egg and the egg membrane - and the sperm is injected into the inner part (cytoplasm) of the egg.
• This will usually result in normal fertilization in about 75-85% of eggs injected with sperm.
• However, first the woman must be stimulated with medications and have an egg retrieval procedure so we can obtain several eggs for in vitro fertilization and ICSI.
How is ICSI performed?
1. The mature egg is held with a specialized holding pipette.
2. A very delicate, sharp and hollow needle is used to immobilize and pick up a single sperm.
3. This needle is then carefully inserted through the zona (shell of the egg) and in to the center (cytoplasm) of the egg.
4. The sperm is injected in the cytoplasm and the needle is removed.
5. The eggs are checked the next morning for evidence of normal fertilization.
Photos below are an ICSI fertilization procedure in progress.
About to inject the egg with a sperm
Holding pipette on left
ICSI needle on right
Sperm head visible in needle at far right, just below X
Polar body of egg at 7 o'clock
Needle is advanced to the left
Shell of embryo has already been penetrated by needle
Membrane of egg (oolemma) is stretching and is about to break
Sperm head is visible at tip of needle
ICSI needle has penetrated the egg membrane
A single sperm is being injected into the cytoplasm of the egg
Sunday, December 6, 2009
WHAT IS IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION (IVF)?
This information is from www.americanpregnancy.org
In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is a process by which egg cells are fertilized by sperm outside the womb, in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility. The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process (injecting super stimulation drugs), surgically removing eggs from the ovaries and fertilizing them in a lab with sperm. The fertilized embryo(s) are then transferred into a woman’s uterus with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.
There are basically five steps in the IVF process.
1. Monitor and stimulate the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries.
Fertility medications are prescribed to control the timing of the egg ripening and to increase the chance of collecting multiple eggs during on the woman’s cycles. This is often referred to as ovulation induction. Multiple eggs are desired because some eggs will not develop or fertilize after retrieval. Egg development is monitored using ultrasound to examine the ovaries and urine or blood test samples to check hormone levels.
2. Collect the eggs. (EGG RETRIEVAL)
The eggs are retrieved through a minor surgical procedure which uses ultrasound imaging to guild a hollow needle through the pelvic cavity. Sedation and local anesthesia are provided to remove any discomfort that one might experience. The eggs are removed from the ovaries using the hollow needle, which is called follicular aspiration. Some women may experience cramping on the day of retrieval, which usually subsides the following day; however, a feeling of fullness or pressure may last for several weeks following the procedure.
3. Secure the sperm.
Sperm, usually obtained by ejaculation is prepared for combining with the eggs.
4. Combine the eggs and sperm together in the laboratory and provide the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth.
In a process called insemination, the sperm and eggs are placed in incubators located in the laboratory which enables fertilization to occur. In some cases where fertilization is suspected to be low, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) may be used. Through this procedure, a single sperm is injected directly into the egg in an attempt to achieve fertilization. The eggs are monitored to confirm that fertilization and cell division are taking place. Once this occurs, the fertilized eggs are considered embryos.
5. Transfer the embryos into the uterus. (EMBRYO TRANSFER)
The embryos are usually transferred into the women’s uterus anywhere from one to six days later, but most commonly it occurs between two to three days following egg retrieval. At this point, the fertilized egg has divided to become a two-to-four cell embryo. The transfer process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. A predetermined number of embryos are suspended in fluid and gently placed through a catheter into the womb. This process is often guided by ultrasound. The procedure is usually painless, but some women experience mild cramping.
A blood test and potentially an ultrasound will be used to determine if implantation and pregnancy has occurred.
In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is a process by which egg cells are fertilized by sperm outside the womb, in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility. The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process (injecting super stimulation drugs), surgically removing eggs from the ovaries and fertilizing them in a lab with sperm. The fertilized embryo(s) are then transferred into a woman’s uterus with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.
There are basically five steps in the IVF process.
1. Monitor and stimulate the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries.
Fertility medications are prescribed to control the timing of the egg ripening and to increase the chance of collecting multiple eggs during on the woman’s cycles. This is often referred to as ovulation induction. Multiple eggs are desired because some eggs will not develop or fertilize after retrieval. Egg development is monitored using ultrasound to examine the ovaries and urine or blood test samples to check hormone levels.
2. Collect the eggs. (EGG RETRIEVAL)
The eggs are retrieved through a minor surgical procedure which uses ultrasound imaging to guild a hollow needle through the pelvic cavity. Sedation and local anesthesia are provided to remove any discomfort that one might experience. The eggs are removed from the ovaries using the hollow needle, which is called follicular aspiration. Some women may experience cramping on the day of retrieval, which usually subsides the following day; however, a feeling of fullness or pressure may last for several weeks following the procedure.
3. Secure the sperm.
Sperm, usually obtained by ejaculation is prepared for combining with the eggs.
4. Combine the eggs and sperm together in the laboratory and provide the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth.
In a process called insemination, the sperm and eggs are placed in incubators located in the laboratory which enables fertilization to occur. In some cases where fertilization is suspected to be low, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) may be used. Through this procedure, a single sperm is injected directly into the egg in an attempt to achieve fertilization. The eggs are monitored to confirm that fertilization and cell division are taking place. Once this occurs, the fertilized eggs are considered embryos.
5. Transfer the embryos into the uterus. (EMBRYO TRANSFER)
The embryos are usually transferred into the women’s uterus anywhere from one to six days later, but most commonly it occurs between two to three days following egg retrieval. At this point, the fertilized egg has divided to become a two-to-four cell embryo. The transfer process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. A predetermined number of embryos are suspended in fluid and gently placed through a catheter into the womb. This process is often guided by ultrasound. The procedure is usually painless, but some women experience mild cramping.
A blood test and potentially an ultrasound will be used to determine if implantation and pregnancy has occurred.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
YES, I’M TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AND I’M ON BIRTH CONTROL!
I’ve been on birth control pills since November. Which may seem crazy, but they want to totally be in control of my cycle. This month they had me skip the “inactive/placebo” pills, so I won’t get a period.
It seems extremely weird and contradictive to be on birth control while struggling with infertility. Just another one of those things you need to laugh at.
It seems extremely weird and contradictive to be on birth control while struggling with infertility. Just another one of those things you need to laugh at.
Friday, December 4, 2009
IVF ORIENTATION
In October of 2009, we had our first IVF meeting with our Mayo doctor. We had our Orientation IVF visit on December 4th, where we had individual meetings with one of the team doctors, an embryologist, a reproductive endocrinology nurse, and the business office representative.
With the doctor, we discussed the consent forms and went over the risks, complications, and side effects that can occur, etc. Next was the embryologist who told us what they do and talked to us about being in a research study which would study early human development before implantation. This means we’ll “donate” any cellular material that is going to be discarded. We chose to be involved in this if the opportunity presents itself. Another research study is to determine more information about hCG from 0-12 weeks of your pregnancy. If we are pregnant, we’ll probably chose to not be involved in this study, as it means I would drive to Mayo daily for blood tests and ultrasounds for 18 days. All of that is for free but of course not the time and gas money!
Next, we met with a nurse, who gave us one-on-one instruction for self-administration of the medications, step-by-step instructions for the treatment cycle, and went over our binder and outline of medications and prescriptions. This happened to be one of Jesse’s work friends and she was awesome! Plus she’s been through IVF herself and could relate…that makes all the difference! And finally, we went to the Business Office Representative to discuss the costs and arranging admission to the hospital for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. One step closer…yippee!!
With the doctor, we discussed the consent forms and went over the risks, complications, and side effects that can occur, etc. Next was the embryologist who told us what they do and talked to us about being in a research study which would study early human development before implantation. This means we’ll “donate” any cellular material that is going to be discarded. We chose to be involved in this if the opportunity presents itself. Another research study is to determine more information about hCG from 0-12 weeks of your pregnancy. If we are pregnant, we’ll probably chose to not be involved in this study, as it means I would drive to Mayo daily for blood tests and ultrasounds for 18 days. All of that is for free but of course not the time and gas money!
Next, we met with a nurse, who gave us one-on-one instruction for self-administration of the medications, step-by-step instructions for the treatment cycle, and went over our binder and outline of medications and prescriptions. This happened to be one of Jesse’s work friends and she was awesome! Plus she’s been through IVF herself and could relate…that makes all the difference! And finally, we went to the Business Office Representative to discuss the costs and arranging admission to the hospital for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. One step closer…yippee!!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
“TO IVF OR NOT TO IVF?” THAT IS THE QUESTION!
IVF is a time of hope for many couples. This may be the time and way that a couple becomes pregnant! A lot of time and money is invested into each attempt. But of course that comes with the uncertainty as to if it will be successful or not. Therefore, it is also a time of fear. There’s no guarantee that it will work, so going through these tests, medications, etc. is an emotional time full of hope and fear for most couples.
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman undergoes many medications and shots with frequent appointments. There are many steps and each step coincides with the next. If one step along the way isn’t “right,” it may stop or slow down the whole process. (You need to take drugs to make more follicles, but it can result in too many follicles and over stimulation and then you have to stop all medications. You may get all the way to the fertilization after the egg retrieval and none of the sperm and eggs fertilize together to form an embryo.) Each successful milestone is just one step closer to the hopeful pregnancy.
With all the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing. But in fact, the odds of success are fairly low. Generally speaking, it’s a 50/50 chance. So, if it fails, which there is that 50% chance that it will – the blow can be devastating.
Probably the biggest factor of IVF is the financial strain. One cycle of IVF is extremely expensive. Especially if you do not have any insurance coverage for ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), choosing to pursue these medical options is very difficult. Many have to pay for a large part of all of the costs out of their pocket. Many couples cannot afford to try for one cycle, yet alone multiples times.
IVF also raises ethical issues. Therefore, it can also be difficult for a couple to tell others about their decision to proceed with IVF as any people can form judgmental and uninformed responses. It’s a gray area in many ethical ways, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet even know how to answer the questions that have arisen from this technology. For many couples, IVF may be the only way they will ever be able to have their own biological baby. This is a huge decision. Try to put yourself in their shoes for a bit. How would you feel? What would you do? You have no idea how many times I've questioned myself as to if I'm trusting in science too much and not God enough. It can just tug your mind and heart in such crazy directions!
A couple who goes through IVF has a hard, expensive road ahead. They need support. The hormones, heartache, and financial burdens are enormous. They wouldn’t be going through this if there were any easier way. And the fact that they are willing to endure so much is proof of how much they truly want to parent a child.
Acknowledge that this is one of the biggest challenges life may bring someone. It’s effects shouldn’t be taken lightly...
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman undergoes many medications and shots with frequent appointments. There are many steps and each step coincides with the next. If one step along the way isn’t “right,” it may stop or slow down the whole process. (You need to take drugs to make more follicles, but it can result in too many follicles and over stimulation and then you have to stop all medications. You may get all the way to the fertilization after the egg retrieval and none of the sperm and eggs fertilize together to form an embryo.) Each successful milestone is just one step closer to the hopeful pregnancy.
With all the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing. But in fact, the odds of success are fairly low. Generally speaking, it’s a 50/50 chance. So, if it fails, which there is that 50% chance that it will – the blow can be devastating.
Probably the biggest factor of IVF is the financial strain. One cycle of IVF is extremely expensive. Especially if you do not have any insurance coverage for ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), choosing to pursue these medical options is very difficult. Many have to pay for a large part of all of the costs out of their pocket. Many couples cannot afford to try for one cycle, yet alone multiples times.
IVF also raises ethical issues. Therefore, it can also be difficult for a couple to tell others about their decision to proceed with IVF as any people can form judgmental and uninformed responses. It’s a gray area in many ethical ways, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet even know how to answer the questions that have arisen from this technology. For many couples, IVF may be the only way they will ever be able to have their own biological baby. This is a huge decision. Try to put yourself in their shoes for a bit. How would you feel? What would you do? You have no idea how many times I've questioned myself as to if I'm trusting in science too much and not God enough. It can just tug your mind and heart in such crazy directions!
A couple who goes through IVF has a hard, expensive road ahead. They need support. The hormones, heartache, and financial burdens are enormous. They wouldn’t be going through this if there were any easier way. And the fact that they are willing to endure so much is proof of how much they truly want to parent a child.
Acknowledge that this is one of the biggest challenges life may bring someone. It’s effects shouldn’t be taken lightly...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
KNOWLEDGE: AN IMPORTANT ALLY
Knowledge is an important ally on this journey. Even though the doctors told us and explained what was going on, usually it was so much information thrown in our faces at once, that we couldn’t take it all in. Or it was explained in such long, technical terms, we didn’t really understand what it all meant. I’ve never understood why most doctors talk to you like you have a computer dictionary in your brain, instead of just using normal words like a normal human.
Don’t be afraid to take notes during appointments. (I regret that.) If you don’t understand, ask him/her to explain it again. Ask for printed information, search online, and talk with people who have been through it. But remember that in the medical world, research is always updating and changing medical practices. So, just because you talked to someone who went through IVF 10 years ago, it may not be the same in today’s time.
Although, even if you’ve done all the research you can, I’ll give you a fair warning that you’ll never truly understand it all until you’ve been through it yourself! But I guess that’s true with any aspect of life! Experience is the best ally!
There are so many different doctors and clinics that practice varying techniques for infertility. Even when doing the same treatment, they can use different procedures, medications, etc. So, when researching online, it can be difficult because just because one clinic lists how they do it, it doesn’t mean the next clinic will be the same. But it gives you a good general idea and starting place, nonetheless.
Oftentimes, I feel that that I know more of what’s going on than the doctors do. Remember that this is your plan, you have a say in your treatment. Fight! No one will fight harder than you for you. So if something doesn’t sound right or feel right – speak up. You you’re your own body better than anyone else. Don’t be afraid to take control. Ask questions. Be annoying. (I like to think of annoying as “being prepared.”) Call. Do whatever you need to do. This is your body and your life. And that is worth speaking up for!!
Don’t be afraid to take notes during appointments. (I regret that.) If you don’t understand, ask him/her to explain it again. Ask for printed information, search online, and talk with people who have been through it. But remember that in the medical world, research is always updating and changing medical practices. So, just because you talked to someone who went through IVF 10 years ago, it may not be the same in today’s time.
Although, even if you’ve done all the research you can, I’ll give you a fair warning that you’ll never truly understand it all until you’ve been through it yourself! But I guess that’s true with any aspect of life! Experience is the best ally!
There are so many different doctors and clinics that practice varying techniques for infertility. Even when doing the same treatment, they can use different procedures, medications, etc. So, when researching online, it can be difficult because just because one clinic lists how they do it, it doesn’t mean the next clinic will be the same. But it gives you a good general idea and starting place, nonetheless.
Oftentimes, I feel that that I know more of what’s going on than the doctors do. Remember that this is your plan, you have a say in your treatment. Fight! No one will fight harder than you for you. So if something doesn’t sound right or feel right – speak up. You you’re your own body better than anyone else. Don’t be afraid to take control. Ask questions. Be annoying. (I like to think of annoying as “being prepared.”) Call. Do whatever you need to do. This is your body and your life. And that is worth speaking up for!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
INFERTILITY: THE THIRD YEAR: - Hope or Denial?
October 2008 through October 2009
Our third year started with renewed hope…or maybe it was just denial. We started doctoring at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I thought, if the “world famous Mayo Clinic” as they call it, couldn’t get us pregnant, than who could? We might as well give it all we’ve got. We went through more testing there with a more specific sperm analysis called “morphology.” The morphology came back with interesting results. Nick’s sperm count wasn’t necessarily “low,” but other issues were recognized with the motility. They look closer at "perfect" sperm. All of that was really confusing to me, but from what I understood, we were at around the 3%, where the chance of conceiving on our own was very slim.
I endured tests and more tests. We wondered if there would be an end in sight. We did 2 more IUI’s with no success. This year was difficult with fitting in treatments. Time just didn’t always work out for us. We’d be out of town during ovulation, peak times, etc. So, we’d be forced to take another month off. We voluntarily took some shorter breaks in-between treatments to regroup and rejuvenate.
At then end of the third year, when we started the process for in-vitro, I felt bewildered that we had really been on this journey for this long. I never imagined it would get to this point. I naively thought we’d be one of those couples who would start going to the doctor and naturally get pregnant by ourselves during the in-between times of non-treatments. I don’t know why I even thought that would even happen to us since I actually only personally know one person that has happened to!
So, now it’s been over 3 years since we started this infertility journey. Wow! We’ve done all we can medically available up to this point. Now on to the next step..in-vitro! Since it had been 1 year since Nick's last sperm analysis, they requested another. Apparently it was also a newer, updated "test." It can study more into the specific appearance of the DNA and how it binds to protein. (Blah, blah, all of this stuff I don't understand at all!) This time the results were different! The sperm seemed to have "improved." In fact, they told us that we may not have to go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, as we had discussed, but just to go ahead with the IVF. But after some more thought, our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggested that we still go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, just to maximize for best results! (The techniques for IVF and IVF-ICSI will be explained in a future post!)
We are optimistic that IVF should be successful for us! If we haven’t been able to get pregnant due to the sperm not being able to get into the egg, then this should work! Mayo stats show that it’s about a 50% chance we’ll become pregnant. And if we are pregnant, then it’s around a 20% chance it will be twins.
Our third year started with renewed hope…or maybe it was just denial. We started doctoring at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I thought, if the “world famous Mayo Clinic” as they call it, couldn’t get us pregnant, than who could? We might as well give it all we’ve got. We went through more testing there with a more specific sperm analysis called “morphology.” The morphology came back with interesting results. Nick’s sperm count wasn’t necessarily “low,” but other issues were recognized with the motility. They look closer at "perfect" sperm. All of that was really confusing to me, but from what I understood, we were at around the 3%, where the chance of conceiving on our own was very slim.
I endured tests and more tests. We wondered if there would be an end in sight. We did 2 more IUI’s with no success. This year was difficult with fitting in treatments. Time just didn’t always work out for us. We’d be out of town during ovulation, peak times, etc. So, we’d be forced to take another month off. We voluntarily took some shorter breaks in-between treatments to regroup and rejuvenate.
At then end of the third year, when we started the process for in-vitro, I felt bewildered that we had really been on this journey for this long. I never imagined it would get to this point. I naively thought we’d be one of those couples who would start going to the doctor and naturally get pregnant by ourselves during the in-between times of non-treatments. I don’t know why I even thought that would even happen to us since I actually only personally know one person that has happened to!
So, now it’s been over 3 years since we started this infertility journey. Wow! We’ve done all we can medically available up to this point. Now on to the next step..in-vitro! Since it had been 1 year since Nick's last sperm analysis, they requested another. Apparently it was also a newer, updated "test." It can study more into the specific appearance of the DNA and how it binds to protein. (Blah, blah, all of this stuff I don't understand at all!) This time the results were different! The sperm seemed to have "improved." In fact, they told us that we may not have to go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, as we had discussed, but just to go ahead with the IVF. But after some more thought, our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggested that we still go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, just to maximize for best results! (The techniques for IVF and IVF-ICSI will be explained in a future post!)
We are optimistic that IVF should be successful for us! If we haven’t been able to get pregnant due to the sperm not being able to get into the egg, then this should work! Mayo stats show that it’s about a 50% chance we’ll become pregnant. And if we are pregnant, then it’s around a 20% chance it will be twins.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
HOPE FOR TOMORROW
I don’t know how long our infertility journey will be. I don’t know the direct path that will take us there, but I know someday we’ll arrive. And God will guide us there, never leaving our side.
We’ve learned we’re more certain of God’s love, more grateful for very blessing, and more full of trust for His plan for our family. Throughout this whole experience, we’ve experienced questions, loneliness, doubts, and hurt. But more importantly, we’ve experienced answers, support, strength, and hope.
Remember that you are loved. You are blessed. Keep the hope as it is a foundation. And keep the faith as it draws strength. I pray you always hold hope close in your heart. And remember that while your arms may be empty today, there is always hope for tomorrow.
We’ve learned we’re more certain of God’s love, more grateful for very blessing, and more full of trust for His plan for our family. Throughout this whole experience, we’ve experienced questions, loneliness, doubts, and hurt. But more importantly, we’ve experienced answers, support, strength, and hope.
Remember that you are loved. You are blessed. Keep the hope as it is a foundation. And keep the faith as it draws strength. I pray you always hold hope close in your heart. And remember that while your arms may be empty today, there is always hope for tomorrow.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW
IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW
Poem © Jane Eggleston
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!
Poem © Jane Eggleston
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I WANT TO BE A MOMMY
Call me a maniac. That’s fine. I used to think I was too. But, after over 3 years of infertility, I now know I’m not a maniac. I’m just a woman who on a quest to become a mommy. I’m simply in pursuit of motherhood and there’s nothing crazy about that…
I think when you decide to have a baby, in a way, you’ve already become a mother. Your heart is open and ready to give all the physical and emotional love you possess to that precious little infant that you dream of someday holding in your arms. (Some of us just have to wait a little while longer than the typical 9 months.) And if you have infertility, you may go through years of doing anything and everything it takes to achieve that goal. If only just to be given the chance! You’ll already do anything for that baby that isn’t even “real”…it’s simply the baby that exists only in your heart. That’s true love…
I think when you decide to have a baby, in a way, you’ve already become a mother. Your heart is open and ready to give all the physical and emotional love you possess to that precious little infant that you dream of someday holding in your arms. (Some of us just have to wait a little while longer than the typical 9 months.) And if you have infertility, you may go through years of doing anything and everything it takes to achieve that goal. If only just to be given the chance! You’ll already do anything for that baby that isn’t even “real”…it’s simply the baby that exists only in your heart. That’s true love…
Sunday, November 15, 2009
UNANSWERED PRAYERS
Even through our “unanswered prayers,” we ultimately know our prayers have been answered the entire time. God has blessed us and lead us in other paths we had never imagined. Here are just a few examples…
Many blessings have come our way through our infertility. If we would have gotten pregnant right away, I wouldn’t have left my job at the preschool until I had the baby. Therefore, I wouldn’t have ever started my own website selling crafts that I make. (Check it out at www.vincellidesigns.com) But, I’m at home, able to do my hobbies that I love for a little profit. A blessing in disguise! (Although it is 12 months later from leaving my job and I continue to be at home, but there’s still no “mom” about it!)
Another wonderful blessing has been our faith. Nick and I have grown as individuals and together in our marriage and in our relationship with God. We’ve been tested and we’re making it through. We’ve become very active in our church and know it is a strong foundation for our lives and our future children’s lives. Ultimately, we know this journey will make our marriage stronger and someday, our lives and abilities as parents!
I’m thankful that I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time at home doing whatever it is I feel like doing! I’m very grateful for this opportunity, as I know it’s not common in this day and age. I’ve spent more time with family and especially my precious nieces. And without a full time job, I have been able to volunteer and give a lot of my time to various organizations in the community and many at church. If I would have had children when we first began trying, I probably would not have gotten involved in these groups and missed out on meeting wonderful people. But I’ve gained these friendships and have given of my time and talents. It’s something I’m very enthusiastic about now, and want to keep giving, even after children arrive for us!
And ultimately, from our infertility journey, I know that I want to tell our story to help others along theirs. I know not everyone can identify directly, but I hope in some way or another, it will touch, if even just a few people…someway, somehow.
So, thank you, God, for our unanswered prayers. Even though they were always truly answered...
Many blessings have come our way through our infertility. If we would have gotten pregnant right away, I wouldn’t have left my job at the preschool until I had the baby. Therefore, I wouldn’t have ever started my own website selling crafts that I make. (Check it out at www.vincellidesigns.com) But, I’m at home, able to do my hobbies that I love for a little profit. A blessing in disguise! (Although it is 12 months later from leaving my job and I continue to be at home, but there’s still no “mom” about it!)
Another wonderful blessing has been our faith. Nick and I have grown as individuals and together in our marriage and in our relationship with God. We’ve been tested and we’re making it through. We’ve become very active in our church and know it is a strong foundation for our lives and our future children’s lives. Ultimately, we know this journey will make our marriage stronger and someday, our lives and abilities as parents!
I’m thankful that I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time at home doing whatever it is I feel like doing! I’m very grateful for this opportunity, as I know it’s not common in this day and age. I’ve spent more time with family and especially my precious nieces. And without a full time job, I have been able to volunteer and give a lot of my time to various organizations in the community and many at church. If I would have had children when we first began trying, I probably would not have gotten involved in these groups and missed out on meeting wonderful people. But I’ve gained these friendships and have given of my time and talents. It’s something I’m very enthusiastic about now, and want to keep giving, even after children arrive for us!
And ultimately, from our infertility journey, I know that I want to tell our story to help others along theirs. I know not everyone can identify directly, but I hope in some way or another, it will touch, if even just a few people…someway, somehow.
So, thank you, God, for our unanswered prayers. Even though they were always truly answered...
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
AWKWARD EXPERIENCES = HURT FEELINGS
I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward experiences involving people who didn’t know of my infertility. I’m not blaming them at all – how were they to know I was an overly sensitive woman on a long time quest to become a mother?
The following are a few of those lovely times, I’m sure I won’t soon forget.
At a family reunion in July of 2009 – wait, pause this story. I must tell you that family reunions are big in my family as my mother is a very active and dedicated genealogist for our family history. Family reunions have changed since my infertility. Before it was a fun time to get together with those familiar and/or long lost relatives and share in fun times together. You made new memories while reliving the old and those of past generations before you – ultimately, the reason you are here today. Only now, for me, reunions seem to be a reminder of how I may never have children and therefore, there may never be any family reunions of my descendants.
Okay, back to my story. At a family reunion in July of 2009, an extended family relative in his 70’s asked me, “Do you have any children?” After I answered no, he said, “Well….what are you waiting for?” (I thought he asked it in a snotty sort of tone, but maybe it was my wild imagination playing tricks on me again.) I was caught off guard, but amazingly answered back sanely. I replied saying, “We’ve been trying for a few years.” Another woman understood immediately and chimed in with, “It took us a long time to get pregnant too.” We all briefly chatted about it and I don’t remember the exact details. But after chatting, I was proud I handled it so well. If he would have asked me this the year before, I probably would have ran off crying hysterically. Maybe I am getting over “this.” Whatever that really means!
Another happened during my time at the preschool/daycare. One of my favorite kids there (Wait, did I just admit to favorites? Sorry, but it’s true!) looked up at me and asked, “When is your baby coming out?” I was in shock. This didn’t really sting deep. More than anything I was afraid that this little preschooler was basically saying I was fat. Come to find out they were talking about being pregnant in class and she must have decided to ask everyone she came across that question. Looking back now, this story is pretty funny. Kids sure say the darndest things!
Another experience was at a craft fair in the fall of 2009, my sister was chatting with an acquaintance at a booth where this individual sells natural products such as lotions, shampoos, etc. for babies/children. She was planning on giving me her spiel. She started by asking me if I had any children. I responded, “no.” She then asked me if I was married.” I said, “yes.” Next she questioned how long we had been married. I replied, “5 years.” (I already knew where this was probably headed.) She looked sort of confused or shocked and proceeded to ask me, “Well….do you WANT kids?” I think I quietly said, “yes” but I don’t remember anything else or how I got out of the rest of the conversation. It would probably be a normal question for a normal situation. But for me, it hurt. It really hurt.
At my grandfather’s funeral, a family member, whom I’ve only seen once in the last 15 years, asked me why we didn’t have any kids. A simple question that deserves a simple answer. But it was something that stung really deep. I thought to myself, “You don’t have enough time in the world to sit here and listen to my honest answer to that question.”
During another experience, I had a friend who I had just told about our infertility. This friend was recently pregnant from their first month of ever trying. (Must be nice!) After I was complaining about the scheduled sex, she said, “I know exactly how you feel. It was just exhausting having so much sex that month. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” (Really? Wow…that one month of frequent sex must have really been rough. Talk about a hamper in your life. Now try that for 39 months straight and then tell me how you were exhausted.)
During our infertility, one of my closest friends, who wasn’t married and wasn’t trying, had a baby. I’ll never forget the day went met for supper in a restaurant and she told me she was pregnant. The feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach was something I had never experienced at that point. It almost felt like a betrayal of some sort. I felt like I was going to throw up inside. I sobbed and sobbed on the drive home. Not because I wasn’t happy for her…but because I was so desperately sad for me.
At one of my appointments at Mayo, a nurse said to me, “So, you have a son, Luke, at home?” I’m not sure why she thought this or where that came from at all. I said, “nope, no children.” It didn’t hurt me too much at the time, because I was focused on what was happening during my appointment. But after, it made me tremendously sad. Thinking back, I thought I could have said something like, “Nope. No children at home. But you can please pull the knife out my from bleeding heart.”
On multiple occasions, I’d be out and about with my two nieces. Of course various people around town assume they’re my children. It’s natural. You see a woman with 2 kids, they most likely are hers! They’d say something to the girls like, “Oh, are you having a special day with mommy?” We’d just laugh. But it did hurt. Although I didn’t take too much offense because I’d take those adorable girls as my own any day…
The following are a few of those lovely times, I’m sure I won’t soon forget.
At a family reunion in July of 2009 – wait, pause this story. I must tell you that family reunions are big in my family as my mother is a very active and dedicated genealogist for our family history. Family reunions have changed since my infertility. Before it was a fun time to get together with those familiar and/or long lost relatives and share in fun times together. You made new memories while reliving the old and those of past generations before you – ultimately, the reason you are here today. Only now, for me, reunions seem to be a reminder of how I may never have children and therefore, there may never be any family reunions of my descendants.
Okay, back to my story. At a family reunion in July of 2009, an extended family relative in his 70’s asked me, “Do you have any children?” After I answered no, he said, “Well….what are you waiting for?” (I thought he asked it in a snotty sort of tone, but maybe it was my wild imagination playing tricks on me again.) I was caught off guard, but amazingly answered back sanely. I replied saying, “We’ve been trying for a few years.” Another woman understood immediately and chimed in with, “It took us a long time to get pregnant too.” We all briefly chatted about it and I don’t remember the exact details. But after chatting, I was proud I handled it so well. If he would have asked me this the year before, I probably would have ran off crying hysterically. Maybe I am getting over “this.” Whatever that really means!
Another happened during my time at the preschool/daycare. One of my favorite kids there (Wait, did I just admit to favorites? Sorry, but it’s true!) looked up at me and asked, “When is your baby coming out?” I was in shock. This didn’t really sting deep. More than anything I was afraid that this little preschooler was basically saying I was fat. Come to find out they were talking about being pregnant in class and she must have decided to ask everyone she came across that question. Looking back now, this story is pretty funny. Kids sure say the darndest things!
Another experience was at a craft fair in the fall of 2009, my sister was chatting with an acquaintance at a booth where this individual sells natural products such as lotions, shampoos, etc. for babies/children. She was planning on giving me her spiel. She started by asking me if I had any children. I responded, “no.” She then asked me if I was married.” I said, “yes.” Next she questioned how long we had been married. I replied, “5 years.” (I already knew where this was probably headed.) She looked sort of confused or shocked and proceeded to ask me, “Well….do you WANT kids?” I think I quietly said, “yes” but I don’t remember anything else or how I got out of the rest of the conversation. It would probably be a normal question for a normal situation. But for me, it hurt. It really hurt.
At my grandfather’s funeral, a family member, whom I’ve only seen once in the last 15 years, asked me why we didn’t have any kids. A simple question that deserves a simple answer. But it was something that stung really deep. I thought to myself, “You don’t have enough time in the world to sit here and listen to my honest answer to that question.”
During another experience, I had a friend who I had just told about our infertility. This friend was recently pregnant from their first month of ever trying. (Must be nice!) After I was complaining about the scheduled sex, she said, “I know exactly how you feel. It was just exhausting having so much sex that month. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” (Really? Wow…that one month of frequent sex must have really been rough. Talk about a hamper in your life. Now try that for 39 months straight and then tell me how you were exhausted.)
During our infertility, one of my closest friends, who wasn’t married and wasn’t trying, had a baby. I’ll never forget the day went met for supper in a restaurant and she told me she was pregnant. The feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach was something I had never experienced at that point. It almost felt like a betrayal of some sort. I felt like I was going to throw up inside. I sobbed and sobbed on the drive home. Not because I wasn’t happy for her…but because I was so desperately sad for me.
At one of my appointments at Mayo, a nurse said to me, “So, you have a son, Luke, at home?” I’m not sure why she thought this or where that came from at all. I said, “nope, no children.” It didn’t hurt me too much at the time, because I was focused on what was happening during my appointment. But after, it made me tremendously sad. Thinking back, I thought I could have said something like, “Nope. No children at home. But you can please pull the knife out my from bleeding heart.”
On multiple occasions, I’d be out and about with my two nieces. Of course various people around town assume they’re my children. It’s natural. You see a woman with 2 kids, they most likely are hers! They’d say something to the girls like, “Oh, are you having a special day with mommy?” We’d just laugh. But it did hurt. Although I didn’t take too much offense because I’d take those adorable girls as my own any day…
Monday, November 9, 2009
GIVING THANKS
I know I have many blessings in my life and I’m truly grateful for each one. Even in our story of infertility, there are parts that could be much worse and we are thankful for these amazing gifts…
I am thankful for…
- a large support system of loving family and friends (sadly not everyone has this)
- the financial means to be able do undergo treatments (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being able to leave my job to focus on trying to start on family by “de-stressing” (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being within driving distance of MAYO, a renowned clinic (some may have to drive hours and hours, and therefore not be able to seek medical help)
- resources of online sites, blogs, newsletters, and books (because without them, I’d feel like I was the only one going through this)
- living in a time with technology and treatment available for infertility (if it were 30 years ago, I don’t know what options would be available)
I am thankful for…
- a large support system of loving family and friends (sadly not everyone has this)
- the financial means to be able do undergo treatments (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being able to leave my job to focus on trying to start on family by “de-stressing” (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being within driving distance of MAYO, a renowned clinic (some may have to drive hours and hours, and therefore not be able to seek medical help)
- resources of online sites, blogs, newsletters, and books (because without them, I’d feel like I was the only one going through this)
- living in a time with technology and treatment available for infertility (if it were 30 years ago, I don’t know what options would be available)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I’M PLANNING TO STOP PLANNING
I’m an organizer. I’m a planner. I’m a list maker. I love to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and why it’s going to happen. In fact, Who? What? Why? Where? When? are some of my favorite questions!
I think being a “planner” has made this infertility process all the more psychotic for me. Yes, I like surprises – but only every once in a while. And definitely not surprises that are about my future. If I could just know for sure that’d I’d get pregnant sometime in my future, even if it’s 10 years down the road – awesome, bring it on. As long as I knew it was going to happen someday, I could be content. Even if I couldn’t “plan” that, at least I knew the outcome and could “plan” up until that time.
I like to keep things under control, I like calmness, and keeping away from anything hectic. I’m slowly realizing that instead of planning for the future, I just need to step back and let it fall into place. I’m making it a point to focus on the present and appreciate the blessings right in front of me – right now.
But ultimately, to really make this confusing and contradicting, even though I am planning to stop planning so much (because I know I still need and am going to plan…but only for certain things) - I still will plan for infertility. You have to plan ahead and make that next appointment “just in case,” because if you don’t – you’ll miss out on another month of trying. So all the while during that two-week-wait, you have to be hopeful that you are pregnant, but you still have to plan ahead and make appointments “just in case.” (Turns out that “just in case” happened all too often for us.)
So, I’m planning on reducing my need to plan. I imagine this will be harder than I think. I’m going to stop being so selfish and start trusting in God’s plan rather than my plan for myself.
I think being a “planner” has made this infertility process all the more psychotic for me. Yes, I like surprises – but only every once in a while. And definitely not surprises that are about my future. If I could just know for sure that’d I’d get pregnant sometime in my future, even if it’s 10 years down the road – awesome, bring it on. As long as I knew it was going to happen someday, I could be content. Even if I couldn’t “plan” that, at least I knew the outcome and could “plan” up until that time.
I like to keep things under control, I like calmness, and keeping away from anything hectic. I’m slowly realizing that instead of planning for the future, I just need to step back and let it fall into place. I’m making it a point to focus on the present and appreciate the blessings right in front of me – right now.
But ultimately, to really make this confusing and contradicting, even though I am planning to stop planning so much (because I know I still need and am going to plan…but only for certain things) - I still will plan for infertility. You have to plan ahead and make that next appointment “just in case,” because if you don’t – you’ll miss out on another month of trying. So all the while during that two-week-wait, you have to be hopeful that you are pregnant, but you still have to plan ahead and make appointments “just in case.” (Turns out that “just in case” happened all too often for us.)
So, I’m planning on reducing my need to plan. I imagine this will be harder than I think. I’m going to stop being so selfish and start trusting in God’s plan rather than my plan for myself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
MIRACLES FROM GOD
I hope everyone knows how much of a phenomenon becoming pregnant is. It’s truly nothing sort of an absolute miracle. And I don’t just think this because I can’t get pregnant. It doesn’t even have to do with me. I’m just amazed when I think of how a baby grows. It just perplexes me. God is so amazing!
Did you know that a fertile woman only has a 20% chance of becoming pregnant every month? If she has sex at the exact perfect time during ovulation and everything else is perfect, there’s still only a 20% chance of becoming pregnant. 20%!!!
Babies are a precious gift from God. If you have a child, I pray you never take him/her for granted. Never let a day pass without them hearing, “I love you” and more importantly always let them feel that love by your actions!
I have a friend from college who suffered the loss of her baby girl, named Hope, the day she was born. My friend wrote an honest and heartwarming blog that really touched my heart. One thing she wrote said, “It’s my shot at hope that maybe God is really working miracles up there. What that miracle is, I can’t say for sure, but God knows, and that’s what matters.”
That sentence has really given me a lot of comfort in my journey. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I am reassured in knowing that God knows.
So in the meantime, I keep waiting for my miracle…
Did you know that a fertile woman only has a 20% chance of becoming pregnant every month? If she has sex at the exact perfect time during ovulation and everything else is perfect, there’s still only a 20% chance of becoming pregnant. 20%!!!
Babies are a precious gift from God. If you have a child, I pray you never take him/her for granted. Never let a day pass without them hearing, “I love you” and more importantly always let them feel that love by your actions!
I have a friend from college who suffered the loss of her baby girl, named Hope, the day she was born. My friend wrote an honest and heartwarming blog that really touched my heart. One thing she wrote said, “It’s my shot at hope that maybe God is really working miracles up there. What that miracle is, I can’t say for sure, but God knows, and that’s what matters.”
That sentence has really given me a lot of comfort in my journey. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I am reassured in knowing that God knows.
So in the meantime, I keep waiting for my miracle…
Thursday, October 29, 2009
“GET A PET AND YOU’LL GET PREGNANT.”
I can’t even count how many times someone told us to get a dog. Seriously!??! Well, if that’s the only way we’ll get pregnant – then I guess we’re never meant to have a child! Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – I just don’t want one living in my house.
We’re not into superstitions, but nonetheless, we decided to go with the hype by trying it out and get a pet. What could it hurt, right? So, we bought a beautiful crowntailed beta fish that was looking so sad in it’s little plastic jar at the end of the aisle at Walmart. What a joy our little fishy was!
We got out the baby name book I bought at a garage sale for a quarter and searched and searched. We settled on a perfect name and it was 100% Italian, of course. Vincenzo Vitale Vincelli! Vincenzo means “conquering” and Vitale means “life.” It was our sign of how we’d “conquer life” and soon become pregnant with a little human of our own.
But years passed, with no pregnancy, and our dear sweet Vincenzo died in the fall of 2009. We gave him a nice burial “toss” out into the empty lot next to our home! Go ahead and throw out that theory. We learned that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed if you get a pet. (As if we really didn’t know that already.) If only it were that easy!
We’re not into superstitions, but nonetheless, we decided to go with the hype by trying it out and get a pet. What could it hurt, right? So, we bought a beautiful crowntailed beta fish that was looking so sad in it’s little plastic jar at the end of the aisle at Walmart. What a joy our little fishy was!
We got out the baby name book I bought at a garage sale for a quarter and searched and searched. We settled on a perfect name and it was 100% Italian, of course. Vincenzo Vitale Vincelli! Vincenzo means “conquering” and Vitale means “life.” It was our sign of how we’d “conquer life” and soon become pregnant with a little human of our own.
But years passed, with no pregnancy, and our dear sweet Vincenzo died in the fall of 2009. We gave him a nice burial “toss” out into the empty lot next to our home! Go ahead and throw out that theory. We learned that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed if you get a pet. (As if we really didn’t know that already.) If only it were that easy!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
DON’T PUSH ADOPTION (YET)
Here’s a great article I came across on www.resolve.org. It’s by Vita Alligood and has some great information about talking infertility and adoption.
Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
By Vita Alligood
Don’t push adoption. Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child, and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
By Vita Alligood
Don’t push adoption. Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child, and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
ONE OF MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS, MY PILLOW.
I’ll let you in on an interesting fact about me. And for those of you who know me best, you already know that I absolutely adore my pillow. I take it with me everywhere overnight, except on flights. And I really don’t like it when other people try to use it or yet alone, even touch it. It’s weird, I know…but it’s true. I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but I definitely cherish it above most of my other physical possessions. It’s just the ideal pillow for me; perfect size, smooshieness, smell, temperature, and softness.
I had my ‘old’ perfect pillow for many years. I think I most likely had it since high school, so by the time I retired it in 2008, I had it for over 10 years. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s totally gross.” And it probably was, but I loved that thing. I didn’t care if people said it was full of bed bugs and germs. But one day in a silly rage of “infertility psychoticness,” I imagined that could be the cause of our infertility! So away it went. I found a new pillow to try out and was in shock. I loved it even more than my ‘old’ perfect pillow! And being the intelligent woman I am, I thought ahead and bought another of the exact pillow so I can switch it out before the next 10 years pass again!!
If you know me, you know I love to sleep. You know I’m not chipper in the mornings and that I don’t enjoy being woken up on other people’s terms. (I know that you’re thinking, “And she wants to have a baby!”) So you can definitely say - I’m NOT a morning person! In high school, my older sister, Jesse, would practically have to drag me out of bed each morning. She’d yell at me, “If you don’t get up right now, I’m never waking you up again.” I guess it worked because eventually I did get up. (Thanks, Jesse, for your years of torment!)
Some people had their baby blankets they were attached too while young. I never went through a phase like that. I sort of imagine that maybe I’m going through that phase just a little later in life. And instead of a blanket or pacifier giving me comfort, it’s my pillow! If you think about it, you really do spend a lot of time with your pillow. I’ve cried a lot of tears on that thing during these years of infertility.
I know that many people have a hard time sleeping when they’re stressed. I’ve never experienced insomnia and I think that would be awful. But sleeping for me = not…a…problem…at…all! 9 out of 10 times, I’m asleep night as my head hits the pillow. My problem is the waking up part. I could sleep in everyday if I let myself. And during these infertility years, I force myself to get up even though it would be way easier to just sleep through it all. But I know someday it will get easier.
Oh, and just so you don’t think I’m absolutely crazy – my youngest sister, Corrie, has a similar relationship with her pillow. So, don’t think I’m crazy, I guess it’s just part of our genetics! HA!
I had my ‘old’ perfect pillow for many years. I think I most likely had it since high school, so by the time I retired it in 2008, I had it for over 10 years. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s totally gross.” And it probably was, but I loved that thing. I didn’t care if people said it was full of bed bugs and germs. But one day in a silly rage of “infertility psychoticness,” I imagined that could be the cause of our infertility! So away it went. I found a new pillow to try out and was in shock. I loved it even more than my ‘old’ perfect pillow! And being the intelligent woman I am, I thought ahead and bought another of the exact pillow so I can switch it out before the next 10 years pass again!!
If you know me, you know I love to sleep. You know I’m not chipper in the mornings and that I don’t enjoy being woken up on other people’s terms. (I know that you’re thinking, “And she wants to have a baby!”) So you can definitely say - I’m NOT a morning person! In high school, my older sister, Jesse, would practically have to drag me out of bed each morning. She’d yell at me, “If you don’t get up right now, I’m never waking you up again.” I guess it worked because eventually I did get up. (Thanks, Jesse, for your years of torment!)
Some people had their baby blankets they were attached too while young. I never went through a phase like that. I sort of imagine that maybe I’m going through that phase just a little later in life. And instead of a blanket or pacifier giving me comfort, it’s my pillow! If you think about it, you really do spend a lot of time with your pillow. I’ve cried a lot of tears on that thing during these years of infertility.
I know that many people have a hard time sleeping when they’re stressed. I’ve never experienced insomnia and I think that would be awful. But sleeping for me = not…a…problem…at…all! 9 out of 10 times, I’m asleep night as my head hits the pillow. My problem is the waking up part. I could sleep in everyday if I let myself. And during these infertility years, I force myself to get up even though it would be way easier to just sleep through it all. But I know someday it will get easier.
Oh, and just so you don’t think I’m absolutely crazy – my youngest sister, Corrie, has a similar relationship with her pillow. So, don’t think I’m crazy, I guess it’s just part of our genetics! HA!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
THE STIRRUP-QUEEN
Being poked and prodded at is one thing. But being invaded in the most intimate part of your body is another. I’m tired of stirrups, I’m tried of clamps, I’m tired of vaginal ultrasounds, I’m tired of numerous doctors, nurses, and techs looking at me “down there”, and I’m tried of hearing, “scooch down and let your legs fall open.” I don’t even want to think about the number of people who have watched me spread my legs and taken a look. I just pray that someday I’ll be putting my feet in those stirrups while giving birth. Just call me the “Stirrup Queen” because that’s what I feel like! But I don’t want that title…I don’t want a crown…I just want to be “normal”…
Thursday, October 15, 2009
“WORSE” THINGS COULD HAPPEN…
I’m not trying to diminish other people’s hardships. So, please don’t judge me. I’m not saying my pain is worse than yours. But please try to understand me. Do you appreciate my pain of wanting a family? Of wondering what’s so bad inside of me that God wouldn’t want a piece of me to go on? What did I do so horrible in my past that I deserve this? These are questions I often ask myself. Questions that make me question myself, my feelings, and my worthiness. I know God isn’t a punishing God, but why do I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this?
Whenever something is going bad is someone’s life – people say something like, “Just remember what’s most important in life – your family and children. As long as you’re together – that’s all you need.” Exactly!! So, imagine for a moment how one would feel when all you want is to start your own family – but you can’t make that happen. If the most important thing in life is “family,” then why can’t we make our own?
I know people can say that there are much “worse” things out there that could be happening to me. But really, who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Having cancer? Having depression?
I read an article about how different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing may be experiencing an injury before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife/mom for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman may be the “worst” thing. And to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.
So, we all have difficult and heartbreaking things that happen in our lives. But never diminish another’s experience just because you haven’t gone through it or fully understand the emotional heartbreak. People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse. Both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same way, don’t tell someone that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Please don’t judge me – whether you’ve gone through this or not. We all have our crosses to bear. And as we know, they’re all different and unique. The exact same situation for two different people can be experienced in extremely different ways. And you never really know when someone is experiencing that “worst” thing that will happen in their lives as we never know where life will lead us. But we can support and try to understand along the way. Because yes – something “worse” could always happen…but who are we to judge what the “worse” really truly is?
Infertility may be my “worst” thing. Or maybe not. But for now it is…
Whenever something is going bad is someone’s life – people say something like, “Just remember what’s most important in life – your family and children. As long as you’re together – that’s all you need.” Exactly!! So, imagine for a moment how one would feel when all you want is to start your own family – but you can’t make that happen. If the most important thing in life is “family,” then why can’t we make our own?
I know people can say that there are much “worse” things out there that could be happening to me. But really, who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Having cancer? Having depression?
I read an article about how different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing may be experiencing an injury before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife/mom for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman may be the “worst” thing. And to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.
So, we all have difficult and heartbreaking things that happen in our lives. But never diminish another’s experience just because you haven’t gone through it or fully understand the emotional heartbreak. People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse. Both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same way, don’t tell someone that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Please don’t judge me – whether you’ve gone through this or not. We all have our crosses to bear. And as we know, they’re all different and unique. The exact same situation for two different people can be experienced in extremely different ways. And you never really know when someone is experiencing that “worst” thing that will happen in their lives as we never know where life will lead us. But we can support and try to understand along the way. Because yes – something “worse” could always happen…but who are we to judge what the “worse” really truly is?
Infertility may be my “worst” thing. Or maybe not. But for now it is…
Monday, October 12, 2009
INFERTILITY HUMOR
Here are a few infertility jokes I found online!!
Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was a wealthy, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.
One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was a wealthy, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.
One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
Friday, October 9, 2009
RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist
After the first appointment at the Mayo Clinic, I realized that there is a big difference between a general obstetrician/gynecologist with a specialty in infertility and a RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist. A reproductive endocrinologist is a type of medical doctor who specializes in treating people with reproductive disorders. It’s their specialty – so it’s all they focus on. They are highly gifted, competently trained, compassionate, and devoted to providing the best treatment available. (Or at least they should be!)
I was relieved to be at a specialty clinic where infertility was all they dealt with, every day, all day. I wished I could have been here from the get-go, but you need to start with the “normal” clinic before you can be referred to the big guys. How nice to sit in a waiting room with other people who you knew were going through some sort of the same thing as you. What a blessing to not have to sit there next to some big ol’ pregnant bellied lady like at the OB/GYN.
I’d often find myself looking at the others waiting in the room, thinking of how far along they were in their infertility journey and what appointment they were on. We received blue binders of information that we were supposed to bring to each appointment. And each had initial labels on the sides referring to what was inside. So, I’d try to peek and see if they currently matched mine. Were they having an IUI? Were they starting IVF? I wondered what their stories were and how long they had been trying to conceive.
I am very thankful for our experiences so far at Mayo. The 45 minute drive back and forth from Mayo has actually given me a lot of time to debrief over appointments, which is nice! The medical staff has been very knowledgeable, supportive, and caring. We feel very blessed to live so close to and doctor at such a prestigious clinic/hospital.
I was relieved to be at a specialty clinic where infertility was all they dealt with, every day, all day. I wished I could have been here from the get-go, but you need to start with the “normal” clinic before you can be referred to the big guys. How nice to sit in a waiting room with other people who you knew were going through some sort of the same thing as you. What a blessing to not have to sit there next to some big ol’ pregnant bellied lady like at the OB/GYN.
I’d often find myself looking at the others waiting in the room, thinking of how far along they were in their infertility journey and what appointment they were on. We received blue binders of information that we were supposed to bring to each appointment. And each had initial labels on the sides referring to what was inside. So, I’d try to peek and see if they currently matched mine. Were they having an IUI? Were they starting IVF? I wondered what their stories were and how long they had been trying to conceive.
I am very thankful for our experiences so far at Mayo. The 45 minute drive back and forth from Mayo has actually given me a lot of time to debrief over appointments, which is nice! The medical staff has been very knowledgeable, supportive, and caring. We feel very blessed to live so close to and doctor at such a prestigious clinic/hospital.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
HOPING FOR THE FUTURE
People often say that you need to visualize what you want in life and ‘see’ yourself accomplishing those things. No need to tell me to do that – you could tell me that there’s a 0% chance of me getting pregnant and I’d still find myself daydreaming of my little kiddos running around. Even though there were times I’ve felt far from hope, there was never a time I was completely hopeless. And I praise God for that!
I’ve bought baby name books, baby books, booties, and even a really hip diaper bag that I just couldn’t pass up! I daydream and I hope for the future. I think about what how I can decorate the nursery and baby names. In fact, we already have a middle name picked out for both a boy or a girl! But one of my favorite things to daydream about is how to tell people we’re pregnant. Oh, how that will be such a long awaited joy. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
As I sit in church, I wonder when it will be that we will be up there by the alter watching our baby get baptized. I even think about to when we have teenage children and picture them being involved in sports, band, etc. I wonder what hobbies they will like and what their personalities will show. I wonder if we’ll still be living where we are and if our children will get married in our church. I wonder what age we will be when we become grandparents and get saddened by the fact that we probably will never be great grandparents.
I choose to hope for the future. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future…
I’ve bought baby name books, baby books, booties, and even a really hip diaper bag that I just couldn’t pass up! I daydream and I hope for the future. I think about what how I can decorate the nursery and baby names. In fact, we already have a middle name picked out for both a boy or a girl! But one of my favorite things to daydream about is how to tell people we’re pregnant. Oh, how that will be such a long awaited joy. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
As I sit in church, I wonder when it will be that we will be up there by the alter watching our baby get baptized. I even think about to when we have teenage children and picture them being involved in sports, band, etc. I wonder what hobbies they will like and what their personalities will show. I wonder if we’ll still be living where we are and if our children will get married in our church. I wonder what age we will be when we become grandparents and get saddened by the fact that we probably will never be great grandparents.
I choose to hope for the future. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future…
Monday, October 5, 2009
SILENT STRUGGLE
My biggest anger with infertility is that it’s such a silent struggle. Most people who see others going through it don’t talk about it. It makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to do, they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how to act. They don’t ask. They figure not saying anything at all is a better choice. Personally, I think that’s the worst thing to do.
People going through infertility need support! They want to know that they’re not alone. And when you’re struggling with anything in life, I believe the worst thing to feel and believe is that you are truly alone.
I read on a fact sheet (from the” American Society for Reproductive Medicine”) that many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease. I’ve often thought that infertility doesn’t receive the appropriate support from others. I’m not saying that infertility is more tragic than having cancer. Not at all. But - I’ve often thought it is very disappointing how individuals who have a medical condition, such as cancer, often get a lot of verbal and face-to-face support from family and friends, and even people who do not know you at all.
Infertility is also a medical condition, but it oftentimes does not receive that same support. Why is there such a difference? I think it’s because infertility needs to be shown to the world. People need to realize the extent of it’s pain and suffering. They don’t understand how much of a heart wrenching and traumatic experience it truly is. I know it may not make sense to you, looking at it from the “outside” (if you have not gone through infertility personally), but I can assure you, it is more complex than you imagine.
I hope someday infertility steps out from it’s category of being a “silent struggle.”
People going through infertility need support! They want to know that they’re not alone. And when you’re struggling with anything in life, I believe the worst thing to feel and believe is that you are truly alone.
I read on a fact sheet (from the” American Society for Reproductive Medicine”) that many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease. I’ve often thought that infertility doesn’t receive the appropriate support from others. I’m not saying that infertility is more tragic than having cancer. Not at all. But - I’ve often thought it is very disappointing how individuals who have a medical condition, such as cancer, often get a lot of verbal and face-to-face support from family and friends, and even people who do not know you at all.
Infertility is also a medical condition, but it oftentimes does not receive that same support. Why is there such a difference? I think it’s because infertility needs to be shown to the world. People need to realize the extent of it’s pain and suffering. They don’t understand how much of a heart wrenching and traumatic experience it truly is. I know it may not make sense to you, looking at it from the “outside” (if you have not gone through infertility personally), but I can assure you, it is more complex than you imagine.
I hope someday infertility steps out from it’s category of being a “silent struggle.”
Friday, October 2, 2009
NOTHING DEFEATS HOPE
Nick and I have gone through our fair share of feeling as if we don’t belong. We’re at an interesting stage in our lives. Here we are now, married for over 5 years. Most of our friends are either single without kids or married with kids. There aren’t many “like us,” who are just married with no children. This can make it difficult in spending time with friends. Single friends hang out with single friends because they don’t want to feel like the third wheel. And friends with children can’t always hang out as easily, or they would rather hang out with friends who have children so when they get together their children can play together. Needless to say, oftentimes, we feel left out.
We don’t blame anyone and know it’s not anyone’s fault. We just keep plugging away, knowing that someday we’ll have children of our own. We keep that hope because we know that nothing defeats hope! And although that hope builds, but then also falters as we go through each disappointment, we know that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Graciously, God has turned those disappointments into appointments with Him. We are learning a lot and trusting a lot. We pray this journey leads us to a life long ministry of being able to support and comfort others in their times of need.
So, I’m choosing to keep believing, to keep trusting, and to keep hoping. I’ll do anything to become a mother. And I know that day will come and will be worth every second of the hardships along the way.
We don’t blame anyone and know it’s not anyone’s fault. We just keep plugging away, knowing that someday we’ll have children of our own. We keep that hope because we know that nothing defeats hope! And although that hope builds, but then also falters as we go through each disappointment, we know that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Graciously, God has turned those disappointments into appointments with Him. We are learning a lot and trusting a lot. We pray this journey leads us to a life long ministry of being able to support and comfort others in their times of need.
So, I’m choosing to keep believing, to keep trusting, and to keep hoping. I’ll do anything to become a mother. And I know that day will come and will be worth every second of the hardships along the way.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
MY REPRODUCTIVE STORY
I’ve read that we all, from an early age, have an unconscious narrative of our reproductive story that we’ve written. It’s our story of how we think our life as a parent will all unfold. It starts in childhood and is modified and rewritten as you become an adult. And when it doesn’t unfold as you hoped it would, that certainly explains some of the emotional pain of infertility.
I never imagined that after 5.5 years of marriage, at the age of 29, I still wouldn’t have any children. My ideal life plan was to meet the man of my dreams by sophomore year of college, get married right after college, and have a baby 2 years later. Ultimately, God has had different plans for me than I had for myself! I did meet the man of my dreams in college, at then end of my junior year, just one week before he graduated from college! And we did get married 3 years later after we met (2 years after I graduated from college.) So, I was just a few years “behind” my dream plan. Not too bad! But when the whole baby making thing came along, it pushed my plan behind…far behind. Goodbye baby that was supposed to be born when I was 26 or 27!
So, now that I’m 29 years old, I guess my story continues to rewrite itself, without my approval. It’s been three years of our infertility struggle. It’s a little uneasy to keep watching the months and years pass and to still not know the miracle of pregnancy, birth, or the joys of parenthood. People tell me to relax and stop worrying because I’m young and have plenty of time. But that’s hard to take in, as they’ve never been through this situation themselves. In fact, it’s very patronizing and hurts deep. Once a married couple wants to have a baby, then faces years of challenge trying to get there, their age becomes irrelevant because the pain and frustration is so very genuine. Even though I understand that we have years left and that my biological clock hasn’t run out yet, it’s difficult when you’ve already seen three years pass and wonder if that chance will ever come – no matter how much time I have left…
I never imagined that after 5.5 years of marriage, at the age of 29, I still wouldn’t have any children. My ideal life plan was to meet the man of my dreams by sophomore year of college, get married right after college, and have a baby 2 years later. Ultimately, God has had different plans for me than I had for myself! I did meet the man of my dreams in college, at then end of my junior year, just one week before he graduated from college! And we did get married 3 years later after we met (2 years after I graduated from college.) So, I was just a few years “behind” my dream plan. Not too bad! But when the whole baby making thing came along, it pushed my plan behind…far behind. Goodbye baby that was supposed to be born when I was 26 or 27!
So, now that I’m 29 years old, I guess my story continues to rewrite itself, without my approval. It’s been three years of our infertility struggle. It’s a little uneasy to keep watching the months and years pass and to still not know the miracle of pregnancy, birth, or the joys of parenthood. People tell me to relax and stop worrying because I’m young and have plenty of time. But that’s hard to take in, as they’ve never been through this situation themselves. In fact, it’s very patronizing and hurts deep. Once a married couple wants to have a baby, then faces years of challenge trying to get there, their age becomes irrelevant because the pain and frustration is so very genuine. Even though I understand that we have years left and that my biological clock hasn’t run out yet, it’s difficult when you’ve already seen three years pass and wonder if that chance will ever come – no matter how much time I have left…
Sunday, September 27, 2009
PASS THE TEST…Good news: It’s Open Book!
This is a test. And I’m going to pass this test. Fortunately this test is an open book test. Yippee! Because the Bible has all the answers I need…for now! (I’m saving up to ask those other questions for when I’m in heaven.) This test doesn’t have any time limits and I can ask others for help. As a Christian, my faith is being tested more than ever before.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
Through this bible verse we believe that even when the proof is not provided and the questions aren’t answered, we still have faith.
I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I know He won’t leave my side. I’m going to keep plugging away and learn as each day passes. I don’t know how this test will end or what grade I’ll receive. But I do know that I won’t give up. My faith is being strengthened and my walk with Jesus has never been sweeter.
I read that two-thirds of those who undergo treatment for infertility will have their journey end in a successful pregnancy. Dear God, please let us be in that two-thirds! Please keep our burdens light and our hopes high! Help me to walk by faith, not by sight and guide me to understand that no matter what happens, your will and your plan for our family will make our hearts whole.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
Through this bible verse we believe that even when the proof is not provided and the questions aren’t answered, we still have faith.
I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I know He won’t leave my side. I’m going to keep plugging away and learn as each day passes. I don’t know how this test will end or what grade I’ll receive. But I do know that I won’t give up. My faith is being strengthened and my walk with Jesus has never been sweeter.
I read that two-thirds of those who undergo treatment for infertility will have their journey end in a successful pregnancy. Dear God, please let us be in that two-thirds! Please keep our burdens light and our hopes high! Help me to walk by faith, not by sight and guide me to understand that no matter what happens, your will and your plan for our family will make our hearts whole.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
INFERTILITY SUCKS!
Infertility makes me feel like a bad person. I feel selfish. I feel empty and unworthy. I’ve discovered I have a lot more jealous bones in my body that I ever had imagined. I fear that infertility is changing me for the worst. It’s altering my perceptions and changing my dreams. It’s changed me to the point where sometimes I’m afraid I’ve forever lost the parts of me that were so hopeful and positive.
Infertility has made me humiliated to admit that I’ve been angry with God. I’ve questioned my faith and I’ve struggled to accept His timing. At times, I’ve even felt as though God has turned His back on me. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out what I did so horrible to deserve this.
In an article, I read this simple sentence that gave me peace. “Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.” It made me think more about the fact that I’m not being punished. Bad things happen to good people. It’s just a fact of life! God’s not trying to hurt me and He works good through all circumstances. We may not ever know the exact reasons why things have to happen the way they do. But we can be assured that He knows what He’s doing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Yes, infertility sucks. But we’ll make it through this. And we’ll wait for this baby…I didn’t say patiently wait…but we’ll wait…for our little beautiful, incredible, miracle…however long it takes.
Infertility has made me humiliated to admit that I’ve been angry with God. I’ve questioned my faith and I’ve struggled to accept His timing. At times, I’ve even felt as though God has turned His back on me. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out what I did so horrible to deserve this.
In an article, I read this simple sentence that gave me peace. “Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.” It made me think more about the fact that I’m not being punished. Bad things happen to good people. It’s just a fact of life! God’s not trying to hurt me and He works good through all circumstances. We may not ever know the exact reasons why things have to happen the way they do. But we can be assured that He knows what He’s doing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Yes, infertility sucks. But we’ll make it through this. And we’ll wait for this baby…I didn’t say patiently wait…but we’ll wait…for our little beautiful, incredible, miracle…however long it takes.
Monday, September 21, 2009
GOD’S STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN OUR WEAKNESS
Infertility makes me scared. I feel weak. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of the tests and the doctor appointments. I’m scared we’ll never get pregnant. I’m scared of how my body will react to all the medications. I’m scared I won’t be able to deal with all the emotional stress. I’m scared other people are looking at us thinking we don’t have any children because we’re “those kind of people.”
I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. But what is “normal” anyway? Maybe this is what “my normal” is. I don’t think I can necessarily stop these feelings, but I do think that I have a choice. We all have a choice. Be sad, feel what you need to feel, but don’t let it take over your life. I realize I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m sensitive, I can’t change who I am, but I can control it. I have a choice! Today is a new day and it’s up to me to make it count.
Even though I feel weak, I know God is working in me. I may not know exactly how, but I know His strength will be perfect in my weakness. So for now, I’ve decided to try to smile more, pray more, and complain less. I know I’ll be stronger. I know I’ll survive…
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. But what is “normal” anyway? Maybe this is what “my normal” is. I don’t think I can necessarily stop these feelings, but I do think that I have a choice. We all have a choice. Be sad, feel what you need to feel, but don’t let it take over your life. I realize I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m sensitive, I can’t change who I am, but I can control it. I have a choice! Today is a new day and it’s up to me to make it count.
Even though I feel weak, I know God is working in me. I may not know exactly how, but I know His strength will be perfect in my weakness. So for now, I’ve decided to try to smile more, pray more, and complain less. I know I’ll be stronger. I know I’ll survive…
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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