I feel like a complete basketcase. I really don’t even know how I should feel anymore. In one moment, the longing for children is too much to bear. And within the next, I’m trying to convince myself I don’t even want kids anyway. I see a newborn baby and I can’t decide whether I want to hold that baby and gaze at it’s beautiful face or close my eyes and pretend it’s not there.
It seems that I can’t go in public once without seeing a pregnant woman. Every other posting I see on facebook is news about a pregnancy or new baby. And every commercial and show on TV has to do with pregnancy, babies, or kids. Are these things true? No. But when you’re hurting from infertility, your perceptions may be faulty. It seems like everyone is intent on making you hurt, but that’s not the case.
We need to recognize that some of our feelings will be unpredictable. There may be some days when you feel like talking about it, and others when you don’t even want to think about it. And that’s okay. But of course this fact makes it difficult for others to know what to do. They just can’t look at you and know if you want them to ask or not ask. Sometimes I find that the days I want to talk about my infertility, are the days no one seems to care or ask. Then the times I don’t want to talk about it, it’s all they ask about. But who am I kidding? Honestly, it can depend upon the HOUR! Ask me. Don’t ask me. Either way I could be upset about it. But I can guarantee it hurts when people just pretend nothing’s wrong and ignore it altogether.
It’s like I’m “infertility bipolar.” One minute I’m the total optimist and the next I’m the total pessimist. Needless to say, that is why I sometimes want to kick my own butt!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
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