Infertility makes me feel like a bad person. I feel selfish. I feel empty and unworthy. I’ve discovered I have a lot more jealous bones in my body that I ever had imagined. I fear that infertility is changing me for the worst. It’s altering my perceptions and changing my dreams. It’s changed me to the point where sometimes I’m afraid I’ve forever lost the parts of me that were so hopeful and positive.
Infertility has made me humiliated to admit that I’ve been angry with God. I’ve questioned my faith and I’ve struggled to accept His timing. At times, I’ve even felt as though God has turned His back on me. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out what I did so horrible to deserve this.
In an article, I read this simple sentence that gave me peace. “Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.” It made me think more about the fact that I’m not being punished. Bad things happen to good people. It’s just a fact of life! God’s not trying to hurt me and He works good through all circumstances. We may not ever know the exact reasons why things have to happen the way they do. But we can be assured that He knows what He’s doing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Yes, infertility sucks. But we’ll make it through this. And we’ll wait for this baby…I didn’t say patiently wait…but we’ll wait…for our little beautiful, incredible, miracle…however long it takes.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
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