Sunday, January 13, 2013
If you are an avid follower of my blog, you may have noticed that my updated posts are few and far between.
This is because I don't have the time and I don't have the energy.
The main reason I started this blog was to share my story in hopes of touching lives. I wanted to share my infertility story, to give even if just one person: faith, comfort, and hope to know they are not alone among their journeys.
Along the way, I found it to be very therapeutic for me to write and see my feelings written on paper. I know I'm not the greatest writer and my grammar is far from perfect, but I have always wanted to simply write from the heart. I wanted to write about happy times and sad times. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted to be honest and open.
I wanted to be me.
And I feel like I have done all that. And for that I am proud. I am extremely far from perfect and unfortunately, I have horribly low self-esteem, but I can say I am proud for sharing myself so openly with the world.
I am extremely grateful I started my blog. What powerful words and feelings I had through all those years. I truly cherish being able to look back and read what was going on in my life: the extreme heartache of infertility, to the stresses of IVF, and then to adjusting to life with baby twins.
When I glance back and randomly read an old post, it's incredible how the feelings come rushing back. And I know if I hadn't wrote them down, that they would be long forgotten. I would hardly remember anything, because that's how we cope as humans. After time, the feelings and memories fade...whether happy or sad. But they won't fade as much for me. Because I have my feelings on paper. (Or actually on computer!) I know many people don't want to remember the pain, but I do. It gets me through the hard days now of raising crazy toddler twin boys. Are there are a lot of hard days. I can read about how badly I prayed and ached to have a child of my own. I remember every doctor appointment and every shot. I remember never knowing if I would hold my own child in my arms. I remember the tears. And I remember the smiles. I remember watching the screen as two embryos were inserted into my uterus. I remember the joy after our ultrasound and seeing two placentas, which meant: two babies.
And one thing that I always, always remember and feel in my heart when reading my blog is hope. Because there is always, always, always hope.
I love my blog.
It gives me hope.
And I pray it's given many people hope.
And I love the fact that people have been blessed by my blog. Even though I don't hear from people often, I know the ones that I have heard from are truly grateful. They've become lifelong friends. And we have strengthened each other through our journeys, as similar and as different as they are.
I am thankful for the "life traffic feed" on my blog, because without it, I probably would think that no one reads my blog. (Not even my own family.) I don't get typed "comments" under my blog posts very often, so there were times I wondered if anyone was reading it. But, it's amazing to see how often and from where people are reading my blog. They are from all over the country and across the world!
But I am stressed.
I don't have time to write and I don't have the energy to write.
Those two things weigh heavily on my heart. Because I want to blog, I really do. I want to continue writing so I can remember the good and bad I experienced while raising twins. But I also know that I can't let blogging stress me out. Because if it is stressing me out, the good probably doesn't outweigh the bad. So, I know that this may be something I need to give up. Or at least put on hold, until I have the time and energy again.
There are so many things I want to write about and those unfinished items on my ever growing "to do" checklist weigh on my mind. Just more and more things that I am not accomplishing. After normal life daily happenings with the twins, cooking, cleaning, having my own online craft business (www.vincellidesigns.com), church activities, and volunteering, etc. there just isn't any time left. I often tell my husband that I just want to be able to sometimes watch tv or read a book without having feeling so guilty while doing so because all of my other things weighing on my mind that I need to accomplish first. I want to be able to relax. And unfortunately, writing blog posts is not relaxing for me anymore.
I wish I could do it all. I wish I had more time. But I know I need to focus more on my family. I am suffering. They are suffering. My life is passing by. I don't want to look back on this time of my life and wish I had done it differently. So, I need to live for today. I need to find joy in each and every day. And if I'm stressed, I know this will be difficult to do. So, I am praying about which things I need to "let go."
This blog may be one of those things that I will let go.
I'm having an extremely hard time letting go. It's never easy, is it?
But I want to thank you for caring enough to follow my story. You have touched my life. You've touched my family's life.
I am blessed. I am grateful. I WILL find the joy in every day.
Posted by Amy Cox Vincelli