Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL

I think I’ve felt every emotion humanly possible. And when I thought I had conquered feeling one way once and for all, suddenly it appeared back again to haunt me. I struggled for years with these feelings, trying to make them stop. I tried to convince myself that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. And it seemed that everyone told me to NOT feel a certain way. Give yourself the freedom to feel what you need to feel. Don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others!

After all, there could be much “worse” things that could be happening in my life, such as a death of a family member or a disease, such as cancer. I remember reading somewhere that you can’t say “someone has it worse” because truthfully, “someone is always going to have it worse.” And who’s to say your struggle is worse than another? In fact, studies show that infertility is oftentimes as stressful and life altering as a death or disease like cancer. Little did I know, I had been minimizing my own feelings for something so heartbreaking and traumatic as infertility.

I thought I needed to stop being obsessed over what I wanted instead of being thankful for what I had right in front of me. And to an extent, this is true. My father always says, “Count your blessings.” And I do, I really do. But what I needed to understand is that it doesn’t mean you need to stop desiring for those other things you hope to achieve in life.

I was so tired of running and hiding from my feelings that I was missing a huge part of the whole process. How could I experience these things and move on if I was holding everything back? I remember driving through town one day, and it literally dawned on me, “Feel what you need to feel!” I finally recognized that it was okay for me to feel how I felt. I gave myself permission to feel. What a relief it was!! I felt an incredible relief. I was so thankful for this epiphany!

I decided that I can be sad if I want to be sad. I can be happy if I want to be happy. Why else did God give us emotion? We have feelings for a reason – both good and bad – they’re a gift from God. We have tears because sometimes, they need to be cried. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I learned not to downplay my feelings and to recognize that it is difficult. So, do just that - feel it, deal with it, and keep moving on. Feel the feelings, but don’t let yourself get stuck on one. Feel it and move on to the next!

Am I proud of the way I’ve acted or all the emotions I’ve had? Not all of them – that’s for sure. But I know they were real and I shouldn’t be ashamed to have felt them. It’s all part of being a human, and as humans we born into sin. I don’t know if there’s anything I could have done differently. I’m far from perfect, but I’m worthy enough to appreciate my feelings.

I was so tired of people telling me how NOT to feel. But please FEEL WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL! Don’t let anyone tell you HOW or HOW NOT to feel. Don’t hide from your feelings. Feel how you need to feel and always encourage others to let their emotions out.

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