Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

UNINVITED GUESTS: GUILT & DESPAIR

Throughout these three years, I’ve gone through many spurts of guilt and despair. I don’t want to call it depression, because I’ve heard depression often associated with “hopelessness.” And even though there were times I felt so far from hope, there never was a time that I was completely hopeless. There was always a tiny glimpse of hope that I held onto even in the weakest times.

Oftentimes, the guilt I experienced was in response to feelings I would have. I felt guilty for being upset when I heard of another’s pregnancy news. I felt angry with myself for feeling that way. One day a good friend told me to stop being so hard on myself. I didn’t realize until then that much of my guilt was unrealistic. I was being too hard on myself for having “natural” feelings that I should have allowed myself to feel.

One thing I do know for sure is that infertility will have you experience every single emotion known to mankind! I’ve learned to appreciate each emotion and know that without the “bad,” how would we truly know what the “good” feels like? The good feels better because we have the bad to compare it to. All of these emotions, good and bad, are making me realize and truly appreciate being able to feel these things.

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