Vincelli: Party of 6

Vincelli: Party of 6

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


It’s not difficult to notice that infertility is different for men and women. I read in a book that many women see motherhood as an essential part of their identity. It mentions that for a woman, having a child is as basic of a function as eating, breathing, and sleeping. And men need to be aware of the vicious torment infertility inflicts on a woman.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Nick didn’t hurt at the same intensity I did. And with that realization came some resentment and feelings of increased isolation. Don’t get me wrong. I know Nick cares and is sensitive to my needs. And he desperately wants a baby too. We both realize we’re in this together. We’re happy together, we hurt together, we pray together, and we support each other. But it’s just different for women than it is men.

I know these feelings are not unusual for many women going through infertility. It’s usually the woman who feels the greater involvement and suffering. After all, she’s the one on all the medications. She’s the one who has to be at every doctor appointment. And she’s the one who has to physically go through it. Women are the ones invited to baby showers, not men. Women are typically the ones hearing of another’s pregnancy or story of delivery, not men. And women are asked, “When are you planning to start your family?” Women are the ones who see another pregnant woman and listen to their stories. Women come across it more in their daily lives. It’s just a natural part of being a woman.

Wives shouldn’t assume that their husbands understand the depth of their pain. That’s why it’s so important to communicate. Without the communication, you won’t be able to deal with it effectively. And if you don’t let your feelings out, you may become fuller of that grief, which will in return, make you frustrated and angry.

And husbands shouldn’t assume their wives understand the depth of their pain. Tell you wife how you feel because sometimes she feels like infertility doesn’t even affect you. It hurts husbands to see their wives in such emotional pain. But you need to realize that we don’t need you to fix the pain. We want to know that you hurt with us. We need your support and comfort. We need to know that you care too and that infertility affects you as well.

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