Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

FEELING ASHAMED

I’m feeling very defeated today. Being a mother of multiples wasn’t supposed to be THIS hard. But then again neither was being a mother in general. Becoming a mom has changed me. And unfortunately, today I mostly feel like it’s changed me for the worse. Perhaps I’m just having a pity party. Well…whatever…it is what it is. I feel like I’m not fun anymore. I feel like I am neglecting my friends and family. I feel like people have forgotten about me. I feel like I never get a break. I feel like I can never keep up. I feel unhealthy. I feel envious of others. I feel like no one understands me. I feel exhausted. I feel left out. I feel like I’ve lost my freedom.

But most of all, I feel ashamed for feeling all of these things because I am so very blessed. I have two beautiful, happy, healthy babies. I have a wonderful family and a loving husband. I have food to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over my head. Ultimately I should have nothing to complain about, but still I do.

After hearing about and seeing photos/videos of the recent devastation that all the tornadoes and storms have left throughout the Midwest, I ache inside. Hundreds have died and the devastation is unimaginable. People have lost all of their possessions and homes, and even lost their dearest loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache and trials. And I was complaining tonight about doing more dishes. Then I thought about how all of those people would love to have their dishes to wash. It really puts my petty problems into perspective. My heart and prayers truly go out to everyone affected.

So tonight, after a pity party afternoon, I am giving thanks for another day. I'm hugging my babies a little tighter, thanking Nick for his love, and praising God more than ever.

Dear God, please help me to stop looking inward and to focus outward. Help me be grateful and to give thanks in each and every situation. Please give me patience and guidance with my babies. Please forgive me for these selfish feelings I’ve felt today and help me to always view motherhood as a blessing and never a burden. Please be with everyone affected by the tornadoes. Heal their hearts and minds as they rebuild their lives. Help them know that everything happens for a reason and that you never leave their side. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for another precious day in this beautiful life. What a true gift everyday is! In Jesus’ name, AMEN!

Will


Elijah

1 comment:

  1. We've all been there, Amy, and we always seem to go back there every now and then (sometimes more than once in a day!) How can we be so ungrateful?! I wrote this to encourage some mommy friends the other day: "I look back at my pre-mommy self and think about my quiet times and how "strong," on-fire, and passionate I was. I sometimes think about how I've lost all my steam and I struggle just to get through the day with some semblance of the fruit of the Spirit still in tact. How can I fail so much EVERY day when I used to be so strong? It's not that I wasn't strong before. I just didn't have a mirror showing me my flaws every minute of the day. I didn't have the buttons of my weaknesses being pushed constantly. In fact, I did a pretty good job covering up my weaknesses, played to my strengths so that I always came out looking pretty good. And it's not that I wasn't trying to be fake, but no one wants to display their weaknesses to the world. Yet, that is what we do every day as moms and wives. Our weaknesses and flaws are in a constant vulnerable state, being poked at so we respond like angry bears trying to protect ourselves. But it's ONLY in this state that we can even begin to understand what Paul meant by "boasting in our weaknesses." Only here do we begin to comprehend just how much we need the grace of God and our own merit is nothing. (That isn't to say that those without kids can't come to this realization - Paul was the one who made the statement and he was unmarried!) But for me, God knew what was needed to break into my heart and expose me to the depravity within myself. I needed kids. And looking back with longing to the way things used to be is only looking back to a woman who was in the preparation stages of this great phase of character-under-construction."

    So don't beat yourself up too much. You're not alone; you are merely voicing what every other mom is secretly hiding in their hearts. But I love your perspective! The best way to beat the blues is to have a thankful heart! (How many times do I tell this to my daughters?!) Thank you for your refreshing honesty and for your amazing thankful heart!!

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