MY RAINBOW, CALEB

To my rainbow, Caleb

You may never fully understand how much I prayed for you, how much I hoped for you, and how much I now give thanks for you. But my hope and prayers are that you always know that you are loved beyond measure.

Because you have truly been the biggest surprise of my life.

Your daddy and I have struggled with infertility for 7 years. 7 years of ups and downs. 7 years of prayers, smiles, and tears. 7 years of not knowing what the future held, but always holding onto hope.

After your big brothers, Eli and Will, you had another sibling. We were devastated to never hold that baby in our arms who was born into heaven on May 15th, 2013. But I do hold that angel baby in my heart every day. Being a mother is hard, but being a mother to an angel baby is even harder. 

After we lost our third baby, we never knew if we would be blessed with another miracle. We cried, we questioned, but we kept on moving forward. Even after two FET (frozen embryo transfers) in 2013, with one where I did not become pregnant and one where I had the miscarriage, we were all set to start another round of FET in September at the Mayo Clinic. But that August, God had other plans. You were conceived! Contrary to what many people think, we hadn't stopped trying. We had never stopped worrying or stressing. But even through all of that, we always, always held on to hope. We kept trying. We never gave up. And just 3 short months after we lost our 3rd baby, you were conceived.  It was the first time your father and I had ever become pregnant on our own, with no medical assistance. It was something we were told would most likely never happen on our own. We were shocked and overjoyed. 

That was almost exactly one year ago. One year ago at this very time, we were still so saddened and we never knew if we'd ever be have another baby. Little did we know it would all change so soon. And now here you are and 3 months old already. We are still so surprised and amazed that it all happened in this way.

You quickly became our light and our hope. After our loss, God showed us that He is faithful through all the seasons of life. Just as He always has been and will be. He is faithful through the pain, He is faithful through the happiness. God is always there. And I share my infertility story with the world because I want everyone to know that our God is awesome! And His plans and timing are truly perfect, even though they don't always make sense in our minds.

I have read that a "rainbow baby" is a baby born after the loss of an angel baby. With the meaning being that "the beauty of a rainbow doesn't mean the storm and the devastation never happened, but that something beautiful and full of light has emerged from the darkness."

Yes, Caleb, you are my rainbow. You will always be my rainbow. Your big twin brothers are so incredible and special and loved as well. But there may be times in your life where you might feel like they are more unique than you because they are twins. But, they are not. You are equally as amazing and fascinating. 

They are my precious twins.

You are my precious rainbow.

And your other sibling in heaven is my precious angel.

You are all loved.

You are all miracles.

You are all the biggest parts of me.

You are all the best things I've ever done.

And I will spend every day of my life giving thanks for each of you, my four children.

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

We will never forget our angel baby. But among our sadness, we found joy in the news of you.  Yes, it's hard to see the rainbow during the storm. But I pray that you and everyone remembers that after every storm in your life, there will always be a rainbow of hope. And it is full of promise. 

Sweet little Caleb, whenever I look at you, I see hope. Whenever I see a rainbow, I think of my angel baby in heaven and I think of you. And in your life, you may not always know what your rainbow may be or when it will occur, but it will come. It will come. Many times. Oh, sweet baby boy...your rainbows will come.

Even though pain is not enjoyable, without suffering, joy and happiness become commonplace. I truly understand that now. We wouldn't really know what joy is. But suffering and loss teach us to appreciate life's blessings. We can't truly open ourselves up to the joys if we do not know what pain is. And no matter what pain you experience in your life, moments of great joy will eventually be added. And it will be okay. Everything will be okay.

Everything will always eventually be okay.

We need to remember that without the rain, there would be no rainbow. We have to take the good times with the bad. And as long as rainbows are in the sky, you can know that God is faithful and keeps His promises. He is faithful through it all.

I will always remember my journey to have children, the heartache, the questions, the waiting, the prayers, the setbacks, the blessings, and the tears. I will also always remember those going through similar heartaches and I continue to cry for them and with them. Infertility and losses of children never go away. But everyday, you, dear Caleb, will remind me that there is always hope. There is always joy after pain. There are always miracles.

I waited for you. I prayed for you. And my prayers were answered. Our prayers are always answered. We just have to be faithful. We have to be patient. We have to trust. We have to keep on hoping.

Always know and believe that your miracle is waiting to happen. 

You never know how close it may be...

{This photo was taken by my friend from her home 2 weeks after my miscarriage. My house is at the end of the rainbow on the left side. What a gorgeous full rainbow! I'm not much for "signs" but I am definitely cherishing this photo. It's a memory of our baby in heaven and a promise of our rainbow baby that was soon to come!}