Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Friday, June 12, 2009

THE DREADED WAITING ROOM FULL OF THE PREGGERS

As I went to my first appointment alone and as I was sitting in the waiting room, I experienced my first public infertility “sick to my stomach” occurrence. Due to the fact that “infertility” is included among the OB/GYN department at the clinic where I live - there isn’t a separation. This means that every time I went in for an appointment, I had to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women. As I looked around the room, I kept looking back to one young girl with a big ol’ preggy belly sitting next to who I’m assuming was her mother. She didn’t look too enthused to be there and she looked to be around 17years old, at most. I just didn’t get it. Why would God allow her to get pregnant and not me? Couldn’t he just pass her pregnancy over to me? She obviously didn’t want it. Please, someone, pull this knife out from my chest!

During many appointments after, as I’d look around admiring all the preggy bellies, I often wondered if those women thought I was pregnant myself. They probably never knew the hurt inside of me as I looked at them full of jealousy for their little blessing they had growing inside of them! Oh what I’d give to be them! Thank goodness no one ever asked me anything like, “Oh, when are you due?” because I don’t know if I could have held the tears in. I’d page through all the baby magazines and fliers they had laid out to read, daydreaming about how maybe, just maybe, someday I could subscribe to these magazines too!

I had many other experiences sitting in that dreaded waiting room. It never got any easier. But I told myself every time that someday that would be me sitting there with a big honkin’ pregnant belly.

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