I don’t know how long our infertility journey will be. I don’t know the direct path that will take us there, but I know someday we’ll arrive. And God will guide us there, never leaving our side.
We’ve learned we’re more certain of God’s love, more grateful for very blessing, and more full of trust for His plan for our family. Throughout this whole experience, we’ve experienced questions, loneliness, doubts, and hurt. But more importantly, we’ve experienced answers, support, strength, and hope.
Remember that you are loved. You are blessed. Keep the hope as it is a foundation. And keep the faith as it draws strength. I pray you always hold hope close in your heart. And remember that while your arms may be empty today, there is always hope for tomorrow.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW
IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW
Poem © Jane Eggleston
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!
Poem © Jane Eggleston
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I WANT TO BE A MOMMY
Call me a maniac. That’s fine. I used to think I was too. But, after over 3 years of infertility, I now know I’m not a maniac. I’m just a woman who on a quest to become a mommy. I’m simply in pursuit of motherhood and there’s nothing crazy about that…
I think when you decide to have a baby, in a way, you’ve already become a mother. Your heart is open and ready to give all the physical and emotional love you possess to that precious little infant that you dream of someday holding in your arms. (Some of us just have to wait a little while longer than the typical 9 months.) And if you have infertility, you may go through years of doing anything and everything it takes to achieve that goal. If only just to be given the chance! You’ll already do anything for that baby that isn’t even “real”…it’s simply the baby that exists only in your heart. That’s true love…
I think when you decide to have a baby, in a way, you’ve already become a mother. Your heart is open and ready to give all the physical and emotional love you possess to that precious little infant that you dream of someday holding in your arms. (Some of us just have to wait a little while longer than the typical 9 months.) And if you have infertility, you may go through years of doing anything and everything it takes to achieve that goal. If only just to be given the chance! You’ll already do anything for that baby that isn’t even “real”…it’s simply the baby that exists only in your heart. That’s true love…
Sunday, November 15, 2009
UNANSWERED PRAYERS
Even through our “unanswered prayers,” we ultimately know our prayers have been answered the entire time. God has blessed us and lead us in other paths we had never imagined. Here are just a few examples…
Many blessings have come our way through our infertility. If we would have gotten pregnant right away, I wouldn’t have left my job at the preschool until I had the baby. Therefore, I wouldn’t have ever started my own website selling crafts that I make. (Check it out at www.vincellidesigns.com) But, I’m at home, able to do my hobbies that I love for a little profit. A blessing in disguise! (Although it is 12 months later from leaving my job and I continue to be at home, but there’s still no “mom” about it!)
Another wonderful blessing has been our faith. Nick and I have grown as individuals and together in our marriage and in our relationship with God. We’ve been tested and we’re making it through. We’ve become very active in our church and know it is a strong foundation for our lives and our future children’s lives. Ultimately, we know this journey will make our marriage stronger and someday, our lives and abilities as parents!
I’m thankful that I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time at home doing whatever it is I feel like doing! I’m very grateful for this opportunity, as I know it’s not common in this day and age. I’ve spent more time with family and especially my precious nieces. And without a full time job, I have been able to volunteer and give a lot of my time to various organizations in the community and many at church. If I would have had children when we first began trying, I probably would not have gotten involved in these groups and missed out on meeting wonderful people. But I’ve gained these friendships and have given of my time and talents. It’s something I’m very enthusiastic about now, and want to keep giving, even after children arrive for us!
And ultimately, from our infertility journey, I know that I want to tell our story to help others along theirs. I know not everyone can identify directly, but I hope in some way or another, it will touch, if even just a few people…someway, somehow.
So, thank you, God, for our unanswered prayers. Even though they were always truly answered...
Many blessings have come our way through our infertility. If we would have gotten pregnant right away, I wouldn’t have left my job at the preschool until I had the baby. Therefore, I wouldn’t have ever started my own website selling crafts that I make. (Check it out at www.vincellidesigns.com) But, I’m at home, able to do my hobbies that I love for a little profit. A blessing in disguise! (Although it is 12 months later from leaving my job and I continue to be at home, but there’s still no “mom” about it!)
Another wonderful blessing has been our faith. Nick and I have grown as individuals and together in our marriage and in our relationship with God. We’ve been tested and we’re making it through. We’ve become very active in our church and know it is a strong foundation for our lives and our future children’s lives. Ultimately, we know this journey will make our marriage stronger and someday, our lives and abilities as parents!
I’m thankful that I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time at home doing whatever it is I feel like doing! I’m very grateful for this opportunity, as I know it’s not common in this day and age. I’ve spent more time with family and especially my precious nieces. And without a full time job, I have been able to volunteer and give a lot of my time to various organizations in the community and many at church. If I would have had children when we first began trying, I probably would not have gotten involved in these groups and missed out on meeting wonderful people. But I’ve gained these friendships and have given of my time and talents. It’s something I’m very enthusiastic about now, and want to keep giving, even after children arrive for us!
And ultimately, from our infertility journey, I know that I want to tell our story to help others along theirs. I know not everyone can identify directly, but I hope in some way or another, it will touch, if even just a few people…someway, somehow.
So, thank you, God, for our unanswered prayers. Even though they were always truly answered...
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
AWKWARD EXPERIENCES = HURT FEELINGS
I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward experiences involving people who didn’t know of my infertility. I’m not blaming them at all – how were they to know I was an overly sensitive woman on a long time quest to become a mother?
The following are a few of those lovely times, I’m sure I won’t soon forget.
At a family reunion in July of 2009 – wait, pause this story. I must tell you that family reunions are big in my family as my mother is a very active and dedicated genealogist for our family history. Family reunions have changed since my infertility. Before it was a fun time to get together with those familiar and/or long lost relatives and share in fun times together. You made new memories while reliving the old and those of past generations before you – ultimately, the reason you are here today. Only now, for me, reunions seem to be a reminder of how I may never have children and therefore, there may never be any family reunions of my descendants.
Okay, back to my story. At a family reunion in July of 2009, an extended family relative in his 70’s asked me, “Do you have any children?” After I answered no, he said, “Well….what are you waiting for?” (I thought he asked it in a snotty sort of tone, but maybe it was my wild imagination playing tricks on me again.) I was caught off guard, but amazingly answered back sanely. I replied saying, “We’ve been trying for a few years.” Another woman understood immediately and chimed in with, “It took us a long time to get pregnant too.” We all briefly chatted about it and I don’t remember the exact details. But after chatting, I was proud I handled it so well. If he would have asked me this the year before, I probably would have ran off crying hysterically. Maybe I am getting over “this.” Whatever that really means!
Another happened during my time at the preschool/daycare. One of my favorite kids there (Wait, did I just admit to favorites? Sorry, but it’s true!) looked up at me and asked, “When is your baby coming out?” I was in shock. This didn’t really sting deep. More than anything I was afraid that this little preschooler was basically saying I was fat. Come to find out they were talking about being pregnant in class and she must have decided to ask everyone she came across that question. Looking back now, this story is pretty funny. Kids sure say the darndest things!
Another experience was at a craft fair in the fall of 2009, my sister was chatting with an acquaintance at a booth where this individual sells natural products such as lotions, shampoos, etc. for babies/children. She was planning on giving me her spiel. She started by asking me if I had any children. I responded, “no.” She then asked me if I was married.” I said, “yes.” Next she questioned how long we had been married. I replied, “5 years.” (I already knew where this was probably headed.) She looked sort of confused or shocked and proceeded to ask me, “Well….do you WANT kids?” I think I quietly said, “yes” but I don’t remember anything else or how I got out of the rest of the conversation. It would probably be a normal question for a normal situation. But for me, it hurt. It really hurt.
At my grandfather’s funeral, a family member, whom I’ve only seen once in the last 15 years, asked me why we didn’t have any kids. A simple question that deserves a simple answer. But it was something that stung really deep. I thought to myself, “You don’t have enough time in the world to sit here and listen to my honest answer to that question.”
During another experience, I had a friend who I had just told about our infertility. This friend was recently pregnant from their first month of ever trying. (Must be nice!) After I was complaining about the scheduled sex, she said, “I know exactly how you feel. It was just exhausting having so much sex that month. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” (Really? Wow…that one month of frequent sex must have really been rough. Talk about a hamper in your life. Now try that for 39 months straight and then tell me how you were exhausted.)
During our infertility, one of my closest friends, who wasn’t married and wasn’t trying, had a baby. I’ll never forget the day went met for supper in a restaurant and she told me she was pregnant. The feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach was something I had never experienced at that point. It almost felt like a betrayal of some sort. I felt like I was going to throw up inside. I sobbed and sobbed on the drive home. Not because I wasn’t happy for her…but because I was so desperately sad for me.
At one of my appointments at Mayo, a nurse said to me, “So, you have a son, Luke, at home?” I’m not sure why she thought this or where that came from at all. I said, “nope, no children.” It didn’t hurt me too much at the time, because I was focused on what was happening during my appointment. But after, it made me tremendously sad. Thinking back, I thought I could have said something like, “Nope. No children at home. But you can please pull the knife out my from bleeding heart.”
On multiple occasions, I’d be out and about with my two nieces. Of course various people around town assume they’re my children. It’s natural. You see a woman with 2 kids, they most likely are hers! They’d say something to the girls like, “Oh, are you having a special day with mommy?” We’d just laugh. But it did hurt. Although I didn’t take too much offense because I’d take those adorable girls as my own any day…
The following are a few of those lovely times, I’m sure I won’t soon forget.
At a family reunion in July of 2009 – wait, pause this story. I must tell you that family reunions are big in my family as my mother is a very active and dedicated genealogist for our family history. Family reunions have changed since my infertility. Before it was a fun time to get together with those familiar and/or long lost relatives and share in fun times together. You made new memories while reliving the old and those of past generations before you – ultimately, the reason you are here today. Only now, for me, reunions seem to be a reminder of how I may never have children and therefore, there may never be any family reunions of my descendants.
Okay, back to my story. At a family reunion in July of 2009, an extended family relative in his 70’s asked me, “Do you have any children?” After I answered no, he said, “Well….what are you waiting for?” (I thought he asked it in a snotty sort of tone, but maybe it was my wild imagination playing tricks on me again.) I was caught off guard, but amazingly answered back sanely. I replied saying, “We’ve been trying for a few years.” Another woman understood immediately and chimed in with, “It took us a long time to get pregnant too.” We all briefly chatted about it and I don’t remember the exact details. But after chatting, I was proud I handled it so well. If he would have asked me this the year before, I probably would have ran off crying hysterically. Maybe I am getting over “this.” Whatever that really means!
Another happened during my time at the preschool/daycare. One of my favorite kids there (Wait, did I just admit to favorites? Sorry, but it’s true!) looked up at me and asked, “When is your baby coming out?” I was in shock. This didn’t really sting deep. More than anything I was afraid that this little preschooler was basically saying I was fat. Come to find out they were talking about being pregnant in class and she must have decided to ask everyone she came across that question. Looking back now, this story is pretty funny. Kids sure say the darndest things!
Another experience was at a craft fair in the fall of 2009, my sister was chatting with an acquaintance at a booth where this individual sells natural products such as lotions, shampoos, etc. for babies/children. She was planning on giving me her spiel. She started by asking me if I had any children. I responded, “no.” She then asked me if I was married.” I said, “yes.” Next she questioned how long we had been married. I replied, “5 years.” (I already knew where this was probably headed.) She looked sort of confused or shocked and proceeded to ask me, “Well….do you WANT kids?” I think I quietly said, “yes” but I don’t remember anything else or how I got out of the rest of the conversation. It would probably be a normal question for a normal situation. But for me, it hurt. It really hurt.
At my grandfather’s funeral, a family member, whom I’ve only seen once in the last 15 years, asked me why we didn’t have any kids. A simple question that deserves a simple answer. But it was something that stung really deep. I thought to myself, “You don’t have enough time in the world to sit here and listen to my honest answer to that question.”
During another experience, I had a friend who I had just told about our infertility. This friend was recently pregnant from their first month of ever trying. (Must be nice!) After I was complaining about the scheduled sex, she said, “I know exactly how you feel. It was just exhausting having so much sex that month. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” (Really? Wow…that one month of frequent sex must have really been rough. Talk about a hamper in your life. Now try that for 39 months straight and then tell me how you were exhausted.)
During our infertility, one of my closest friends, who wasn’t married and wasn’t trying, had a baby. I’ll never forget the day went met for supper in a restaurant and she told me she was pregnant. The feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach was something I had never experienced at that point. It almost felt like a betrayal of some sort. I felt like I was going to throw up inside. I sobbed and sobbed on the drive home. Not because I wasn’t happy for her…but because I was so desperately sad for me.
At one of my appointments at Mayo, a nurse said to me, “So, you have a son, Luke, at home?” I’m not sure why she thought this or where that came from at all. I said, “nope, no children.” It didn’t hurt me too much at the time, because I was focused on what was happening during my appointment. But after, it made me tremendously sad. Thinking back, I thought I could have said something like, “Nope. No children at home. But you can please pull the knife out my from bleeding heart.”
On multiple occasions, I’d be out and about with my two nieces. Of course various people around town assume they’re my children. It’s natural. You see a woman with 2 kids, they most likely are hers! They’d say something to the girls like, “Oh, are you having a special day with mommy?” We’d just laugh. But it did hurt. Although I didn’t take too much offense because I’d take those adorable girls as my own any day…
Monday, November 9, 2009
GIVING THANKS
I know I have many blessings in my life and I’m truly grateful for each one. Even in our story of infertility, there are parts that could be much worse and we are thankful for these amazing gifts…
I am thankful for…
- a large support system of loving family and friends (sadly not everyone has this)
- the financial means to be able do undergo treatments (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being able to leave my job to focus on trying to start on family by “de-stressing” (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being within driving distance of MAYO, a renowned clinic (some may have to drive hours and hours, and therefore not be able to seek medical help)
- resources of online sites, blogs, newsletters, and books (because without them, I’d feel like I was the only one going through this)
- living in a time with technology and treatment available for infertility (if it were 30 years ago, I don’t know what options would be available)
I am thankful for…
- a large support system of loving family and friends (sadly not everyone has this)
- the financial means to be able do undergo treatments (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being able to leave my job to focus on trying to start on family by “de-stressing” (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being within driving distance of MAYO, a renowned clinic (some may have to drive hours and hours, and therefore not be able to seek medical help)
- resources of online sites, blogs, newsletters, and books (because without them, I’d feel like I was the only one going through this)
- living in a time with technology and treatment available for infertility (if it were 30 years ago, I don’t know what options would be available)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I’M PLANNING TO STOP PLANNING
I’m an organizer. I’m a planner. I’m a list maker. I love to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and why it’s going to happen. In fact, Who? What? Why? Where? When? are some of my favorite questions!
I think being a “planner” has made this infertility process all the more psychotic for me. Yes, I like surprises – but only every once in a while. And definitely not surprises that are about my future. If I could just know for sure that’d I’d get pregnant sometime in my future, even if it’s 10 years down the road – awesome, bring it on. As long as I knew it was going to happen someday, I could be content. Even if I couldn’t “plan” that, at least I knew the outcome and could “plan” up until that time.
I like to keep things under control, I like calmness, and keeping away from anything hectic. I’m slowly realizing that instead of planning for the future, I just need to step back and let it fall into place. I’m making it a point to focus on the present and appreciate the blessings right in front of me – right now.
But ultimately, to really make this confusing and contradicting, even though I am planning to stop planning so much (because I know I still need and am going to plan…but only for certain things) - I still will plan for infertility. You have to plan ahead and make that next appointment “just in case,” because if you don’t – you’ll miss out on another month of trying. So all the while during that two-week-wait, you have to be hopeful that you are pregnant, but you still have to plan ahead and make appointments “just in case.” (Turns out that “just in case” happened all too often for us.)
So, I’m planning on reducing my need to plan. I imagine this will be harder than I think. I’m going to stop being so selfish and start trusting in God’s plan rather than my plan for myself.
I think being a “planner” has made this infertility process all the more psychotic for me. Yes, I like surprises – but only every once in a while. And definitely not surprises that are about my future. If I could just know for sure that’d I’d get pregnant sometime in my future, even if it’s 10 years down the road – awesome, bring it on. As long as I knew it was going to happen someday, I could be content. Even if I couldn’t “plan” that, at least I knew the outcome and could “plan” up until that time.
I like to keep things under control, I like calmness, and keeping away from anything hectic. I’m slowly realizing that instead of planning for the future, I just need to step back and let it fall into place. I’m making it a point to focus on the present and appreciate the blessings right in front of me – right now.
But ultimately, to really make this confusing and contradicting, even though I am planning to stop planning so much (because I know I still need and am going to plan…but only for certain things) - I still will plan for infertility. You have to plan ahead and make that next appointment “just in case,” because if you don’t – you’ll miss out on another month of trying. So all the while during that two-week-wait, you have to be hopeful that you are pregnant, but you still have to plan ahead and make appointments “just in case.” (Turns out that “just in case” happened all too often for us.)
So, I’m planning on reducing my need to plan. I imagine this will be harder than I think. I’m going to stop being so selfish and start trusting in God’s plan rather than my plan for myself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
MIRACLES FROM GOD
I hope everyone knows how much of a phenomenon becoming pregnant is. It’s truly nothing sort of an absolute miracle. And I don’t just think this because I can’t get pregnant. It doesn’t even have to do with me. I’m just amazed when I think of how a baby grows. It just perplexes me. God is so amazing!
Did you know that a fertile woman only has a 20% chance of becoming pregnant every month? If she has sex at the exact perfect time during ovulation and everything else is perfect, there’s still only a 20% chance of becoming pregnant. 20%!!!
Babies are a precious gift from God. If you have a child, I pray you never take him/her for granted. Never let a day pass without them hearing, “I love you” and more importantly always let them feel that love by your actions!
I have a friend from college who suffered the loss of her baby girl, named Hope, the day she was born. My friend wrote an honest and heartwarming blog that really touched my heart. One thing she wrote said, “It’s my shot at hope that maybe God is really working miracles up there. What that miracle is, I can’t say for sure, but God knows, and that’s what matters.”
That sentence has really given me a lot of comfort in my journey. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I am reassured in knowing that God knows.
So in the meantime, I keep waiting for my miracle…
Did you know that a fertile woman only has a 20% chance of becoming pregnant every month? If she has sex at the exact perfect time during ovulation and everything else is perfect, there’s still only a 20% chance of becoming pregnant. 20%!!!
Babies are a precious gift from God. If you have a child, I pray you never take him/her for granted. Never let a day pass without them hearing, “I love you” and more importantly always let them feel that love by your actions!
I have a friend from college who suffered the loss of her baby girl, named Hope, the day she was born. My friend wrote an honest and heartwarming blog that really touched my heart. One thing she wrote said, “It’s my shot at hope that maybe God is really working miracles up there. What that miracle is, I can’t say for sure, but God knows, and that’s what matters.”
That sentence has really given me a lot of comfort in my journey. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I am reassured in knowing that God knows.
So in the meantime, I keep waiting for my miracle…
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