Infertility isn’t just “We can’t get pregnant”, for me it was and is:
• trading intimacy and passion for shots, ultrasounds, and results
• people minimizing how i feel
• suffering the two-week-wait over and over and over again (39 times so far!)
• “pretending” I am pregnant during that two-week-wait (which ultimately equals out to half of every month!) just in case you really are, because you don’t want to harm your “maybe baby” in anyway
• making myself question my self worth and faith
• avoiding baby showers, pregnant women, and the baby aisles
• putting off vacations because we’re saving money for more treatments
• sitting in a room full of pregnant women while waiting for my infertility appointments
• taking a pregnancy test and never seeing a positive sign
• taking pre-natal vitamins every day for over 3 years, just in case I was pregnant
• taking time off work to go to appointments
• quitting my job to try to reduce stress and so you had more time for appointments
• quitting my job also because it was too heartbreaking to be surrounded by children all day long
• having my period come one day late, taking a pregnancy test, and finding out it’s negative, only to get my period the very next day
• spending thousands and thousands of dollars on fertility treatments
• gambling on treatments that may or may not work
• sitting at home waiting for my specialty fertility drugs to arrive via UPS so they don’t get too hot or too cold waiting outside the door
• finding out my unmarried close friend is pregnant and she wasn’t even trying
• finding out a family member is pregnant from another source
• hearing about yet another abortion of a beautiful, innocent baby (makes me sick to my stomach)
• having my doctor become part of your intimate sex life by telling us when and how often to have sex
• having that scheduled sex month after month
• arguing with my spouse because both of us are so tired and aren’t in the mood, but you’re ovulating so you HAVE to have sex or another month is wasted
• waking up after 3 hours of crappy sleep after falling asleep upset because I haven’t had sex yet like we were supposed to
• taking my basal body temperature daily to find out those peek ovulation times
• thinking that taking my body temp daily is not very fun and realizing that peeing on those ovulation sticks are much more enjoyable. (Because at least you see a positive sign at some point which gives me hope that I might see a positive on a pregnancy test someday!)
• realizing that honestly the daily body temperature and ovulation sticks both suck and deciding to stop doing both!
• spending a lot of time daydreaming about: when that day will be that I finally take a positive pregnancy test, the names of your future children, and where they might go to college.
• imagining and scheming up the most creative way to tell others when I finally am pregnant
• not going to my 10 year high school reunion because I’m afraid of answering all the “children” questions
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
MENOPAUSE AT THE RIPE OL’ AGE OF 29!
Getting the Lupron shot all ready!
This week I started the LUPRON (Leuprolide – pronounced “loo pro lide”) shot, which basically puts me into menopause. It over stimulates the body’s own production of hormones, which causes my “lady parts” to shut down.
What is Lupron?
Lupron helps shut off my body’s natural stimulation from my pituitary gland to my ovaries. Pituitary suppression is important for recruitment of multiple follicles or eggs. The more eggs I can grow during any given IVF round, the higher the chances of success. By desensitizing the pituitary's signals from the brain, Lupron blocks the natural tendency of the brain to allow only one dominant follicle to grow in each cycle. Also the medicine’s purpose is to prevent me from ovulating unexpectedly during the stimulation injection part of our cycle. Basically from here on out my entire cycle will be ruled by hormones that I'm injecting rather than the ones my body produces naturally.
Therefore, I’m going through the lovely side effects of menopause. I’ve had hot flashes during the day and night sweats while sleeping. Hot flashes are such a crazy thing. There’s really nothing to compare it to, really. You know how it feels when you’re outside on a really hot day in the summer? And you can feel the heat burning at your skin from the outside going in. To me, a hot flash felt just opposite, like this heat was literally burning, coming from your insides trying to get out. These hot flashes turned out to not be too bad for me since it’s mid winter. I like to think of it as free heat! And the night sweats aren’t too bad either. I’d wake up so warm and have to throw the covers off of me. Once again, this was fine for us because I was a personal heater for Nick!
I’ve also had mood swings, but I think I’ve had those for the past 3 years straight anyway, so I guess it’s not too much of a shocker (poor Nick!). Mostly I've been really tired. Naps are fun! I’m enjoying having these in my daily schedule. My lower back is really sore too, so I've been bugging Nick for a massage. Hopefully he gives in one of these days.
We’ve been taught how to give shots through Shot Clinics at Mayo, but Jesse’s still here to help me! I figured I better get the guts do it myself, since next week it’ll be up to 3 shots a day and would be a little inconvenient to go to Jesse’s at different times of the day to have her do all of them!
So I gave myself the LUPRON shot for the first time on Tuesday. This shot of 20 units is to be done at the same time every morning into the subcutaneous tissue in the stomach. (Subcutaneous tissue is the third of the three layers of skin. The subcutaneous layer contains fat and connective tissue that houses larger blood vessels and nerves.) It takes me a minute to talk myself up to go through with it, but then I think of what Jesse told me, “Pretend you’re a diabetic and if you don’t give yourself the shot right now – you’re gonna die.” Works like a charm!
P.S. The shots are going amazingly well. It's red and itchy after each injection but nothing drastic. A little bruising too, but nothing to complain about. It's actually getting easier to stab myself!
I take this injection daily until January 16th, which is two days before my retrieval.
Who knew I’d go through menopause at the ripe old age of 29? Seriously? Wow!
Ready for the shot. (I didn't smile while actually doing it!)
This week I started the LUPRON (Leuprolide – pronounced “loo pro lide”) shot, which basically puts me into menopause. It over stimulates the body’s own production of hormones, which causes my “lady parts” to shut down.
What is Lupron?
Lupron helps shut off my body’s natural stimulation from my pituitary gland to my ovaries. Pituitary suppression is important for recruitment of multiple follicles or eggs. The more eggs I can grow during any given IVF round, the higher the chances of success. By desensitizing the pituitary's signals from the brain, Lupron blocks the natural tendency of the brain to allow only one dominant follicle to grow in each cycle. Also the medicine’s purpose is to prevent me from ovulating unexpectedly during the stimulation injection part of our cycle. Basically from here on out my entire cycle will be ruled by hormones that I'm injecting rather than the ones my body produces naturally.
Therefore, I’m going through the lovely side effects of menopause. I’ve had hot flashes during the day and night sweats while sleeping. Hot flashes are such a crazy thing. There’s really nothing to compare it to, really. You know how it feels when you’re outside on a really hot day in the summer? And you can feel the heat burning at your skin from the outside going in. To me, a hot flash felt just opposite, like this heat was literally burning, coming from your insides trying to get out. These hot flashes turned out to not be too bad for me since it’s mid winter. I like to think of it as free heat! And the night sweats aren’t too bad either. I’d wake up so warm and have to throw the covers off of me. Once again, this was fine for us because I was a personal heater for Nick!
I’ve also had mood swings, but I think I’ve had those for the past 3 years straight anyway, so I guess it’s not too much of a shocker (poor Nick!). Mostly I've been really tired. Naps are fun! I’m enjoying having these in my daily schedule. My lower back is really sore too, so I've been bugging Nick for a massage. Hopefully he gives in one of these days.
We’ve been taught how to give shots through Shot Clinics at Mayo, but Jesse’s still here to help me! I figured I better get the guts do it myself, since next week it’ll be up to 3 shots a day and would be a little inconvenient to go to Jesse’s at different times of the day to have her do all of them!
So I gave myself the LUPRON shot for the first time on Tuesday. This shot of 20 units is to be done at the same time every morning into the subcutaneous tissue in the stomach. (Subcutaneous tissue is the third of the three layers of skin. The subcutaneous layer contains fat and connective tissue that houses larger blood vessels and nerves.) It takes me a minute to talk myself up to go through with it, but then I think of what Jesse told me, “Pretend you’re a diabetic and if you don’t give yourself the shot right now – you’re gonna die.” Works like a charm!
P.S. The shots are going amazingly well. It's red and itchy after each injection but nothing drastic. A little bruising too, but nothing to complain about. It's actually getting easier to stab myself!
I take this injection daily until January 16th, which is two days before my retrieval.
Who knew I’d go through menopause at the ripe old age of 29? Seriously? Wow!
Ready for the shot. (I didn't smile while actually doing it!)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
OVERWHELMING MEDICATIONS!
Here are photos of my dear sister helping me look through, count, double-check, and organize all the needles, syringes, and medications for IVF. It was overwhelming!
Monday, December 21, 2009
TEARS & THE HATRED OF INFERTILITY
I wonder how much my tears would all add up to? I’ve had tiny tears, sobbing tears, tears so gigantic I couldn’t seem to breath, angry tears with fists and kicking legs (okay, so yes, I admit I still have tiny temper tantrums), hopeful tears, happy tears, sad tears, and empty tears. Empty tears are ones that I wanted to cry, but there weren’t any left to let out. I cry for my baby I’ve never held; my husband who not only bears his own pain but tries to be strong for me; and for feeling weak myself.
I hate is a strong word. But yes, I hate infertility. Infertility is the most depleting experience I’ve ever faced. It’s slowing draining the life out of me. I wish I didn’t have to go through this and that no on one ever did. In fact, I don’t even wish infertility upon my worst enemy.
I’ve had friends/acquaintances who have gone through infertility at the same time as me. And after they’ve become pregnant – their contact with me lessens or stops. I often wonder if they totally forget those “infertility feelings.” How awesome would that be!?!? But then, the more I think about it – the more I know I don’t want to forget. That’s one reason I began journaling and writing. Even with all the heartache – I don’t want to forget the pain, because it’s made me who I am today…and I’m okay with that.
It’s heartbreaking watching friends and acquaintances have two children between my infertility of three years. I find myself thinking that if we got pregnant the first month we tried, right now we’d have a 2 ½ year old running around right now. Today I’m having a pity party. And I think that’s okay. I’m tired of people telling me HOW and HOW NOT to feel. Today I feel like having a pity party, so that’s what I’m gonna do…
I hate is a strong word. But yes, I hate infertility. Infertility is the most depleting experience I’ve ever faced. It’s slowing draining the life out of me. I wish I didn’t have to go through this and that no on one ever did. In fact, I don’t even wish infertility upon my worst enemy.
I’ve had friends/acquaintances who have gone through infertility at the same time as me. And after they’ve become pregnant – their contact with me lessens or stops. I often wonder if they totally forget those “infertility feelings.” How awesome would that be!?!? But then, the more I think about it – the more I know I don’t want to forget. That’s one reason I began journaling and writing. Even with all the heartache – I don’t want to forget the pain, because it’s made me who I am today…and I’m okay with that.
It’s heartbreaking watching friends and acquaintances have two children between my infertility of three years. I find myself thinking that if we got pregnant the first month we tried, right now we’d have a 2 ½ year old running around right now. Today I’m having a pity party. And I think that’s okay. I’m tired of people telling me HOW and HOW NOT to feel. Today I feel like having a pity party, so that’s what I’m gonna do…
Sunday, December 20, 2009
GETTING PREGNANT: THE “UNCONVENTIONAL” WAY
People become pregnant by having sexual intercourse. Or at least that’s how I always thought I’d get pregnant. I thought I knew how to make a baby! People jokingly asked me if we were “doing it right.” Ha, ha, very funny. (not really!) So naturally I started questioning myself. I’ve only had one sexual partner, so honestly, I did start to think that maybe we were having sex “wrong.”
Without getting into detail (and here’s one of those parts I mentioned that you might not want to hear), we tried it all. I’ve layed in bed for up to an hour after, just to try to keep it all in. I’ve propped my butt up on pillows to keep it all from sliding out. I’m surprised we didn’t hang me up from the ceiling by my feet to let gravity take it’s course. (Trust me, I did momentarily contemplate it.) We tried at different times of the day.
It wasn’t until the “conventional” way didn’t work for us, that I realized I may be one of those people that would have an “unconventional” story. After two of my IUI’s, from the reproductive female nurses at MAYO, I was really hoping I could finally tell people that I got pregnant “from a woman without even having sex.” What a story for the baby book! Ha! After those failed and going on with our first round of in-vitro, I then found myself hoping that I could tell people that I got pregnant “from a man who isn’t my husband without even having sex.” Ha! Even better!
Without getting into detail (and here’s one of those parts I mentioned that you might not want to hear), we tried it all. I’ve layed in bed for up to an hour after, just to try to keep it all in. I’ve propped my butt up on pillows to keep it all from sliding out. I’m surprised we didn’t hang me up from the ceiling by my feet to let gravity take it’s course. (Trust me, I did momentarily contemplate it.) We tried at different times of the day.
It wasn’t until the “conventional” way didn’t work for us, that I realized I may be one of those people that would have an “unconventional” story. After two of my IUI’s, from the reproductive female nurses at MAYO, I was really hoping I could finally tell people that I got pregnant “from a woman without even having sex.” What a story for the baby book! Ha! After those failed and going on with our first round of in-vitro, I then found myself hoping that I could tell people that I got pregnant “from a man who isn’t my husband without even having sex.” Ha! Even better!
Friday, December 18, 2009
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME
Today I’m realizing it’s not all about me. Maybe I don’t need to understand. I need to TRUST! Jesus gave up his life for me, so why am I not trusting my life to Him? (It sounds so simple, but why is it so hard to believe 100% of the time!?)
There’s always going to be seasons of hope and seasons of despair. We never know when they will happen or how long they will stay. But we can always be sure that God will work it for good. I’m looking to the future with anticipation and excitement. I’m trusting in God’s time and plan for our lives. I’m not ruining today anymore. I’m enjoying the time I have TODAY, as there’s no guarantees for tomorrow.
Anyone can give thanks and praise God during the happy times. It’s natural! But if you can give thanks and praise God during the sad times as well, then you are a shining example to everyone. I want to reflect and shine my light to others. I want people to say, “What’s Amy got? I want some of that.”
Well, I’ll tell you my secret – and it’s not even a secret at all. I’m a child of God. A child of God who wants to do His will and show others that God loves them too. This world and the people are too incredible to have happened my chance. We were created in His image. I pray and hope that everyone in this world has a chance to hear that they are loved by God. I’ve been blessed to be raised by loving, Christian parents. I’ve been blessed to have a member of supportive churches my entire life. But my greatest blessing is through Jesus. And because of that I have inherited eternal life and no one can take that from me.
So, it’s not about me. But it is about how my life can shine to show others the light of God! As the saying goes, “Your life may be the only Bible some people read.”
There’s always going to be seasons of hope and seasons of despair. We never know when they will happen or how long they will stay. But we can always be sure that God will work it for good. I’m looking to the future with anticipation and excitement. I’m trusting in God’s time and plan for our lives. I’m not ruining today anymore. I’m enjoying the time I have TODAY, as there’s no guarantees for tomorrow.
Anyone can give thanks and praise God during the happy times. It’s natural! But if you can give thanks and praise God during the sad times as well, then you are a shining example to everyone. I want to reflect and shine my light to others. I want people to say, “What’s Amy got? I want some of that.”
Well, I’ll tell you my secret – and it’s not even a secret at all. I’m a child of God. A child of God who wants to do His will and show others that God loves them too. This world and the people are too incredible to have happened my chance. We were created in His image. I pray and hope that everyone in this world has a chance to hear that they are loved by God. I’ve been blessed to be raised by loving, Christian parents. I’ve been blessed to have a member of supportive churches my entire life. But my greatest blessing is through Jesus. And because of that I have inherited eternal life and no one can take that from me.
So, it’s not about me. But it is about how my life can shine to show others the light of God! As the saying goes, “Your life may be the only Bible some people read.”
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
MEDICATIONS HAVE ARRIVED!
Here they are! The medications have arrived. We're ready for IVF!
Now that is what I call a lot of needles and drugs!!
Now that is what I call a lot of needles and drugs!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES
Nick and I, together have found hope in God’s time and His plan for our family. It is this hope that keeps us on our path. Even though at times we may waver, we soon find ourselves right back where we need to be. We’ve been tested to our limits, but we have survived. We’ve been strengthened together as friends, lovers, and future parents.
We’re proud of ourselves amidst this crazy ride. I’ve heard PRIDE described as: “Personal Responsibility for Individual Daily Effort.” It has taken that daily effort, those baby steps. We’re proud that we’ve taken it one day at a time, moving forward even when oftentimes, we so desperately wanted to stop. We’ve gone through and sacrificed a lot in order to make our family. But, we’d do it all over again….no questions asked. We’ve stood in faith for all these years and we’re not stopping now. And we know God will faithfully and lovingly answer our prayers according to His will.
A blessing from our infertility is that we’re stronger both individually and as a couple. We’ve leaned on each other and our faith and relationship with God has strengthened. The next steps are yet to be made, but we are certain that our love for each other and our future children will never diminish. So, we’re celebrating that love for each other, our love for our Lord, and our love for our future children.
If you told me in the beginning of our infertility that I would grow to feel a sense of purpose, pride, and passion for infertility– I would have thought you were crazy. But it’s true. As the years have passed, we’ve changed. Infertility resides in our hearts. Infertility is a part of who we are. And we’re okay with that.
I believe in miracles. And I know someday I’ll be a mother.
We’re proud of ourselves amidst this crazy ride. I’ve heard PRIDE described as: “Personal Responsibility for Individual Daily Effort.” It has taken that daily effort, those baby steps. We’re proud that we’ve taken it one day at a time, moving forward even when oftentimes, we so desperately wanted to stop. We’ve gone through and sacrificed a lot in order to make our family. But, we’d do it all over again….no questions asked. We’ve stood in faith for all these years and we’re not stopping now. And we know God will faithfully and lovingly answer our prayers according to His will.
A blessing from our infertility is that we’re stronger both individually and as a couple. We’ve leaned on each other and our faith and relationship with God has strengthened. The next steps are yet to be made, but we are certain that our love for each other and our future children will never diminish. So, we’re celebrating that love for each other, our love for our Lord, and our love for our future children.
If you told me in the beginning of our infertility that I would grow to feel a sense of purpose, pride, and passion for infertility– I would have thought you were crazy. But it’s true. As the years have passed, we’ve changed. Infertility resides in our hearts. Infertility is a part of who we are. And we’re okay with that.
I believe in miracles. And I know someday I’ll be a mother.
Monday, December 14, 2009
KEEPING IT ALL TOGETHER WHEN SPERM AND EGG STUBBORNLY REMAIN APART
There’s a book titled, “Infertility Sucks! (Keeping it all together when sperm and egg stubbornly remain apart.)” by Beverly Barna. I haven’t read it, but I can imagine it’d be a great one.
I came across the title online and it made me start to think about how Nick and I have kept it together. So, I’d like to tell you know Nick and I kept it all together during a time it felt like it was all falling apart…
Just like any other couple, we were quite unprepared for the journey of infertility. But I suppose you can’t ever really be prepared for something like this. We would have never chosen this for ourselves – but who would?
Many people just consider infertility to be stressful because someone can’t get pregnant. But there is so much more! Infertility tests and treatments are very physically, emotionally, and financially stressful and can oftentimes become entirely unbearable. Ultimately, it can put a great strain on your marriage and can cause a couple to grow apart. It can even cause a loving couple to separate or divorce.
The month after month of disappointments takes a toll on every aspect of your life. And who better than to take it all out on than your spouse, right? They’re there, they are part of what you’re each going through, so, it mine as well be them!
The infertility medications can make your hormones all out of whack. I had mood swings like you can’t even imagine. Poor Nick. I know there were many times I didn’t treat him well. And I don’t blame it ALL on the medications, I know there were things I could have stopped myself from saying and ways I could have stopped acting. I take responsibility for my “diarrhea of the mouth.” I’ve said things I’m definitely not proud of…things to intentionally hurt Nick so possibly he could maybe, just maybe, for a second feel just an ounce of the pain I felt. But after I said those things, I apologized. And I think he understood. He forgave me. I apologize a lot lately. And thankfully he forgives me a lot.
We keep it together by knowing that we’ll never be apart. Marriage is a lot about compromise. It should be full of a lot of giving and just a little taking. It’s about trust and support. It’s about working through the good and bad. It’s about always communicating. It’s never giving up. We remember our vows we made to each other on our wedding day, and we know that together, with God, we’ll make it through anything. Marriage is about love…unconditional love…and I know our love will never end…
I came across the title online and it made me start to think about how Nick and I have kept it together. So, I’d like to tell you know Nick and I kept it all together during a time it felt like it was all falling apart…
Just like any other couple, we were quite unprepared for the journey of infertility. But I suppose you can’t ever really be prepared for something like this. We would have never chosen this for ourselves – but who would?
Many people just consider infertility to be stressful because someone can’t get pregnant. But there is so much more! Infertility tests and treatments are very physically, emotionally, and financially stressful and can oftentimes become entirely unbearable. Ultimately, it can put a great strain on your marriage and can cause a couple to grow apart. It can even cause a loving couple to separate or divorce.
The month after month of disappointments takes a toll on every aspect of your life. And who better than to take it all out on than your spouse, right? They’re there, they are part of what you’re each going through, so, it mine as well be them!
The infertility medications can make your hormones all out of whack. I had mood swings like you can’t even imagine. Poor Nick. I know there were many times I didn’t treat him well. And I don’t blame it ALL on the medications, I know there were things I could have stopped myself from saying and ways I could have stopped acting. I take responsibility for my “diarrhea of the mouth.” I’ve said things I’m definitely not proud of…things to intentionally hurt Nick so possibly he could maybe, just maybe, for a second feel just an ounce of the pain I felt. But after I said those things, I apologized. And I think he understood. He forgave me. I apologize a lot lately. And thankfully he forgives me a lot.
We keep it together by knowing that we’ll never be apart. Marriage is a lot about compromise. It should be full of a lot of giving and just a little taking. It’s about trust and support. It’s about working through the good and bad. It’s about always communicating. It’s never giving up. We remember our vows we made to each other on our wedding day, and we know that together, with God, we’ll make it through anything. Marriage is about love…unconditional love…and I know our love will never end…
Saturday, December 12, 2009
NOTE TO SELF
I try to tell myself these things and make myself believe them, but of course it is way easier said than done. Hence, here’s my little note to myself…
Enjoy the time you have. Don’t waste it “over-wishing” you had children or being sad you don’t. Or else you might miss all the great things that are happening right in front of you. Try to enjoy what you have and where you are in life. You have control over your own happiness, even though being happy at certain times may seem impossible. Don’t minimize the heartache infertility causes, but do know that you can’t let it overcome you.
Don’t loose track of where you are coming from and where you are going. You’re learning a lot about yourself and you are standing on stronger emotional footing because you’ve allowed yourself to confront the horrible, scary stuff! Don’t deny your emotions. Allow yourself to feel scared and cry when you need to because it’s preparing you to be strong and positive when you really need to be.
Don’t worry too much about if you’re being selfish. It’s not selfishness, but self-preservation. Do what you need to do to make it through this. Sometimes you will want to talk about it and other times you won’t. This is okay. Just take it one day at a time. And someday soon you will find yourself smiling at little children the same way you hope to smile at your own someday.
Enjoy the time you have. Don’t waste it “over-wishing” you had children or being sad you don’t. Or else you might miss all the great things that are happening right in front of you. Try to enjoy what you have and where you are in life. You have control over your own happiness, even though being happy at certain times may seem impossible. Don’t minimize the heartache infertility causes, but do know that you can’t let it overcome you.
Don’t loose track of where you are coming from and where you are going. You’re learning a lot about yourself and you are standing on stronger emotional footing because you’ve allowed yourself to confront the horrible, scary stuff! Don’t deny your emotions. Allow yourself to feel scared and cry when you need to because it’s preparing you to be strong and positive when you really need to be.
Don’t worry too much about if you’re being selfish. It’s not selfishness, but self-preservation. Do what you need to do to make it through this. Sometimes you will want to talk about it and other times you won’t. This is okay. Just take it one day at a time. And someday soon you will find yourself smiling at little children the same way you hope to smile at your own someday.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME, GOD ISN’T FINISHED WITH ME YET!
I know I may have hurt you along the way. Infertility doesn’t just affect the husband and wife. It affects their family and loved ones as well. I’m truly sorry if I’ve hurt you along the way. I’m sorry if I’ve ignored or neglected you. I’m sorry if my own pity party has triumphed over the good or bad things happening in your life. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to survive this…
You’ve seen our tears. You’ve filled us with hope and prayers. And most likely, at some point, you’ve felt a piece of the giant holes in our hearts. We know it hasn’t been easy, we know we haven’t always been the happiest to be around, and we know at times, we’ve neglected others.
For those of you who have cried with us, prayed with us, and loved us – we can never repay you. For those of you who have cried for us, prayed for us, and loved us – we can never repay you. This experience is quite the defining chapter of our lives. We’re learning a lot about ourselves, each other, and our relationships with YOU!
So, please be patient with me…God isn’t finished with me yet…
You’ve seen our tears. You’ve filled us with hope and prayers. And most likely, at some point, you’ve felt a piece of the giant holes in our hearts. We know it hasn’t been easy, we know we haven’t always been the happiest to be around, and we know at times, we’ve neglected others.
For those of you who have cried with us, prayed with us, and loved us – we can never repay you. For those of you who have cried for us, prayed for us, and loved us – we can never repay you. This experience is quite the defining chapter of our lives. We’re learning a lot about ourselves, each other, and our relationships with YOU!
So, please be patient with me…God isn’t finished with me yet…
Monday, December 7, 2009
WHAT IS ICSI – INTRACYTOPLASMIC SPERM INJECTION?
This information is from www.advancedfertility.com
ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. A common reason used for performing ICSI is for a male factor of the sperm concentrations of less an 15-20 million per milliliter, sperm motility less than 35%, and very poor sperm morphology.
• IVF with ICSI involves the use of specialized micromanipulation tools and equipment and inverted microscopes that enable embryologists to select and pick up individual sperm in a specially designed ICSI needle.
• Then the needle is carefully advanced through the outer shell of the egg and the egg membrane - and the sperm is injected into the inner part (cytoplasm) of the egg.
• This will usually result in normal fertilization in about 75-85% of eggs injected with sperm.
• However, first the woman must be stimulated with medications and have an egg retrieval procedure so we can obtain several eggs for in vitro fertilization and ICSI.
How is ICSI performed?
1. The mature egg is held with a specialized holding pipette.
2. A very delicate, sharp and hollow needle is used to immobilize and pick up a single sperm.
3. This needle is then carefully inserted through the zona (shell of the egg) and in to the center (cytoplasm) of the egg.
4. The sperm is injected in the cytoplasm and the needle is removed.
5. The eggs are checked the next morning for evidence of normal fertilization.
Photos below are an ICSI fertilization procedure in progress.
About to inject the egg with a sperm
Holding pipette on left
ICSI needle on right
Sperm head visible in needle at far right, just below X
Polar body of egg at 7 o'clock
Needle is advanced to the left
Shell of embryo has already been penetrated by needle
Membrane of egg (oolemma) is stretching and is about to break
Sperm head is visible at tip of needle
ICSI needle has penetrated the egg membrane
A single sperm is being injected into the cytoplasm of the egg
ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". ICSI is a very effective method to fertilize eggs in the IVF lab after they have been retrieved from the female. A common reason used for performing ICSI is for a male factor of the sperm concentrations of less an 15-20 million per milliliter, sperm motility less than 35%, and very poor sperm morphology.
• IVF with ICSI involves the use of specialized micromanipulation tools and equipment and inverted microscopes that enable embryologists to select and pick up individual sperm in a specially designed ICSI needle.
• Then the needle is carefully advanced through the outer shell of the egg and the egg membrane - and the sperm is injected into the inner part (cytoplasm) of the egg.
• This will usually result in normal fertilization in about 75-85% of eggs injected with sperm.
• However, first the woman must be stimulated with medications and have an egg retrieval procedure so we can obtain several eggs for in vitro fertilization and ICSI.
How is ICSI performed?
1. The mature egg is held with a specialized holding pipette.
2. A very delicate, sharp and hollow needle is used to immobilize and pick up a single sperm.
3. This needle is then carefully inserted through the zona (shell of the egg) and in to the center (cytoplasm) of the egg.
4. The sperm is injected in the cytoplasm and the needle is removed.
5. The eggs are checked the next morning for evidence of normal fertilization.
Photos below are an ICSI fertilization procedure in progress.
About to inject the egg with a sperm
Holding pipette on left
ICSI needle on right
Sperm head visible in needle at far right, just below X
Polar body of egg at 7 o'clock
Needle is advanced to the left
Shell of embryo has already been penetrated by needle
Membrane of egg (oolemma) is stretching and is about to break
Sperm head is visible at tip of needle
ICSI needle has penetrated the egg membrane
A single sperm is being injected into the cytoplasm of the egg
Sunday, December 6, 2009
WHAT IS IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION (IVF)?
This information is from www.americanpregnancy.org
In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is a process by which egg cells are fertilized by sperm outside the womb, in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility. The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process (injecting super stimulation drugs), surgically removing eggs from the ovaries and fertilizing them in a lab with sperm. The fertilized embryo(s) are then transferred into a woman’s uterus with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.
There are basically five steps in the IVF process.
1. Monitor and stimulate the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries.
Fertility medications are prescribed to control the timing of the egg ripening and to increase the chance of collecting multiple eggs during on the woman’s cycles. This is often referred to as ovulation induction. Multiple eggs are desired because some eggs will not develop or fertilize after retrieval. Egg development is monitored using ultrasound to examine the ovaries and urine or blood test samples to check hormone levels.
2. Collect the eggs. (EGG RETRIEVAL)
The eggs are retrieved through a minor surgical procedure which uses ultrasound imaging to guild a hollow needle through the pelvic cavity. Sedation and local anesthesia are provided to remove any discomfort that one might experience. The eggs are removed from the ovaries using the hollow needle, which is called follicular aspiration. Some women may experience cramping on the day of retrieval, which usually subsides the following day; however, a feeling of fullness or pressure may last for several weeks following the procedure.
3. Secure the sperm.
Sperm, usually obtained by ejaculation is prepared for combining with the eggs.
4. Combine the eggs and sperm together in the laboratory and provide the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth.
In a process called insemination, the sperm and eggs are placed in incubators located in the laboratory which enables fertilization to occur. In some cases where fertilization is suspected to be low, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) may be used. Through this procedure, a single sperm is injected directly into the egg in an attempt to achieve fertilization. The eggs are monitored to confirm that fertilization and cell division are taking place. Once this occurs, the fertilized eggs are considered embryos.
5. Transfer the embryos into the uterus. (EMBRYO TRANSFER)
The embryos are usually transferred into the women’s uterus anywhere from one to six days later, but most commonly it occurs between two to three days following egg retrieval. At this point, the fertilized egg has divided to become a two-to-four cell embryo. The transfer process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. A predetermined number of embryos are suspended in fluid and gently placed through a catheter into the womb. This process is often guided by ultrasound. The procedure is usually painless, but some women experience mild cramping.
A blood test and potentially an ultrasound will be used to determine if implantation and pregnancy has occurred.
In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is a process by which egg cells are fertilized by sperm outside the womb, in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility. The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process (injecting super stimulation drugs), surgically removing eggs from the ovaries and fertilizing them in a lab with sperm. The fertilized embryo(s) are then transferred into a woman’s uterus with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.
There are basically five steps in the IVF process.
1. Monitor and stimulate the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries.
Fertility medications are prescribed to control the timing of the egg ripening and to increase the chance of collecting multiple eggs during on the woman’s cycles. This is often referred to as ovulation induction. Multiple eggs are desired because some eggs will not develop or fertilize after retrieval. Egg development is monitored using ultrasound to examine the ovaries and urine or blood test samples to check hormone levels.
2. Collect the eggs. (EGG RETRIEVAL)
The eggs are retrieved through a minor surgical procedure which uses ultrasound imaging to guild a hollow needle through the pelvic cavity. Sedation and local anesthesia are provided to remove any discomfort that one might experience. The eggs are removed from the ovaries using the hollow needle, which is called follicular aspiration. Some women may experience cramping on the day of retrieval, which usually subsides the following day; however, a feeling of fullness or pressure may last for several weeks following the procedure.
3. Secure the sperm.
Sperm, usually obtained by ejaculation is prepared for combining with the eggs.
4. Combine the eggs and sperm together in the laboratory and provide the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth.
In a process called insemination, the sperm and eggs are placed in incubators located in the laboratory which enables fertilization to occur. In some cases where fertilization is suspected to be low, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) may be used. Through this procedure, a single sperm is injected directly into the egg in an attempt to achieve fertilization. The eggs are monitored to confirm that fertilization and cell division are taking place. Once this occurs, the fertilized eggs are considered embryos.
5. Transfer the embryos into the uterus. (EMBRYO TRANSFER)
The embryos are usually transferred into the women’s uterus anywhere from one to six days later, but most commonly it occurs between two to three days following egg retrieval. At this point, the fertilized egg has divided to become a two-to-four cell embryo. The transfer process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. A predetermined number of embryos are suspended in fluid and gently placed through a catheter into the womb. This process is often guided by ultrasound. The procedure is usually painless, but some women experience mild cramping.
A blood test and potentially an ultrasound will be used to determine if implantation and pregnancy has occurred.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
YES, I’M TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AND I’M ON BIRTH CONTROL!
I’ve been on birth control pills since November. Which may seem crazy, but they want to totally be in control of my cycle. This month they had me skip the “inactive/placebo” pills, so I won’t get a period.
It seems extremely weird and contradictive to be on birth control while struggling with infertility. Just another one of those things you need to laugh at.
It seems extremely weird and contradictive to be on birth control while struggling with infertility. Just another one of those things you need to laugh at.
Friday, December 4, 2009
IVF ORIENTATION
In October of 2009, we had our first IVF meeting with our Mayo doctor. We had our Orientation IVF visit on December 4th, where we had individual meetings with one of the team doctors, an embryologist, a reproductive endocrinology nurse, and the business office representative.
With the doctor, we discussed the consent forms and went over the risks, complications, and side effects that can occur, etc. Next was the embryologist who told us what they do and talked to us about being in a research study which would study early human development before implantation. This means we’ll “donate” any cellular material that is going to be discarded. We chose to be involved in this if the opportunity presents itself. Another research study is to determine more information about hCG from 0-12 weeks of your pregnancy. If we are pregnant, we’ll probably chose to not be involved in this study, as it means I would drive to Mayo daily for blood tests and ultrasounds for 18 days. All of that is for free but of course not the time and gas money!
Next, we met with a nurse, who gave us one-on-one instruction for self-administration of the medications, step-by-step instructions for the treatment cycle, and went over our binder and outline of medications and prescriptions. This happened to be one of Jesse’s work friends and she was awesome! Plus she’s been through IVF herself and could relate…that makes all the difference! And finally, we went to the Business Office Representative to discuss the costs and arranging admission to the hospital for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. One step closer…yippee!!
With the doctor, we discussed the consent forms and went over the risks, complications, and side effects that can occur, etc. Next was the embryologist who told us what they do and talked to us about being in a research study which would study early human development before implantation. This means we’ll “donate” any cellular material that is going to be discarded. We chose to be involved in this if the opportunity presents itself. Another research study is to determine more information about hCG from 0-12 weeks of your pregnancy. If we are pregnant, we’ll probably chose to not be involved in this study, as it means I would drive to Mayo daily for blood tests and ultrasounds for 18 days. All of that is for free but of course not the time and gas money!
Next, we met with a nurse, who gave us one-on-one instruction for self-administration of the medications, step-by-step instructions for the treatment cycle, and went over our binder and outline of medications and prescriptions. This happened to be one of Jesse’s work friends and she was awesome! Plus she’s been through IVF herself and could relate…that makes all the difference! And finally, we went to the Business Office Representative to discuss the costs and arranging admission to the hospital for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. One step closer…yippee!!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
“TO IVF OR NOT TO IVF?” THAT IS THE QUESTION!
IVF is a time of hope for many couples. This may be the time and way that a couple becomes pregnant! A lot of time and money is invested into each attempt. But of course that comes with the uncertainty as to if it will be successful or not. Therefore, it is also a time of fear. There’s no guarantee that it will work, so going through these tests, medications, etc. is an emotional time full of hope and fear for most couples.
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman undergoes many medications and shots with frequent appointments. There are many steps and each step coincides with the next. If one step along the way isn’t “right,” it may stop or slow down the whole process. (You need to take drugs to make more follicles, but it can result in too many follicles and over stimulation and then you have to stop all medications. You may get all the way to the fertilization after the egg retrieval and none of the sperm and eggs fertilize together to form an embryo.) Each successful milestone is just one step closer to the hopeful pregnancy.
With all the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing. But in fact, the odds of success are fairly low. Generally speaking, it’s a 50/50 chance. So, if it fails, which there is that 50% chance that it will – the blow can be devastating.
Probably the biggest factor of IVF is the financial strain. One cycle of IVF is extremely expensive. Especially if you do not have any insurance coverage for ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), choosing to pursue these medical options is very difficult. Many have to pay for a large part of all of the costs out of their pocket. Many couples cannot afford to try for one cycle, yet alone multiples times.
IVF also raises ethical issues. Therefore, it can also be difficult for a couple to tell others about their decision to proceed with IVF as any people can form judgmental and uninformed responses. It’s a gray area in many ethical ways, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet even know how to answer the questions that have arisen from this technology. For many couples, IVF may be the only way they will ever be able to have their own biological baby. This is a huge decision. Try to put yourself in their shoes for a bit. How would you feel? What would you do? You have no idea how many times I've questioned myself as to if I'm trusting in science too much and not God enough. It can just tug your mind and heart in such crazy directions!
A couple who goes through IVF has a hard, expensive road ahead. They need support. The hormones, heartache, and financial burdens are enormous. They wouldn’t be going through this if there were any easier way. And the fact that they are willing to endure so much is proof of how much they truly want to parent a child.
Acknowledge that this is one of the biggest challenges life may bring someone. It’s effects shouldn’t be taken lightly...
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman undergoes many medications and shots with frequent appointments. There are many steps and each step coincides with the next. If one step along the way isn’t “right,” it may stop or slow down the whole process. (You need to take drugs to make more follicles, but it can result in too many follicles and over stimulation and then you have to stop all medications. You may get all the way to the fertilization after the egg retrieval and none of the sperm and eggs fertilize together to form an embryo.) Each successful milestone is just one step closer to the hopeful pregnancy.
With all the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing. But in fact, the odds of success are fairly low. Generally speaking, it’s a 50/50 chance. So, if it fails, which there is that 50% chance that it will – the blow can be devastating.
Probably the biggest factor of IVF is the financial strain. One cycle of IVF is extremely expensive. Especially if you do not have any insurance coverage for ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), choosing to pursue these medical options is very difficult. Many have to pay for a large part of all of the costs out of their pocket. Many couples cannot afford to try for one cycle, yet alone multiples times.
IVF also raises ethical issues. Therefore, it can also be difficult for a couple to tell others about their decision to proceed with IVF as any people can form judgmental and uninformed responses. It’s a gray area in many ethical ways, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet even know how to answer the questions that have arisen from this technology. For many couples, IVF may be the only way they will ever be able to have their own biological baby. This is a huge decision. Try to put yourself in their shoes for a bit. How would you feel? What would you do? You have no idea how many times I've questioned myself as to if I'm trusting in science too much and not God enough. It can just tug your mind and heart in such crazy directions!
A couple who goes through IVF has a hard, expensive road ahead. They need support. The hormones, heartache, and financial burdens are enormous. They wouldn’t be going through this if there were any easier way. And the fact that they are willing to endure so much is proof of how much they truly want to parent a child.
Acknowledge that this is one of the biggest challenges life may bring someone. It’s effects shouldn’t be taken lightly...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
KNOWLEDGE: AN IMPORTANT ALLY
Knowledge is an important ally on this journey. Even though the doctors told us and explained what was going on, usually it was so much information thrown in our faces at once, that we couldn’t take it all in. Or it was explained in such long, technical terms, we didn’t really understand what it all meant. I’ve never understood why most doctors talk to you like you have a computer dictionary in your brain, instead of just using normal words like a normal human.
Don’t be afraid to take notes during appointments. (I regret that.) If you don’t understand, ask him/her to explain it again. Ask for printed information, search online, and talk with people who have been through it. But remember that in the medical world, research is always updating and changing medical practices. So, just because you talked to someone who went through IVF 10 years ago, it may not be the same in today’s time.
Although, even if you’ve done all the research you can, I’ll give you a fair warning that you’ll never truly understand it all until you’ve been through it yourself! But I guess that’s true with any aspect of life! Experience is the best ally!
There are so many different doctors and clinics that practice varying techniques for infertility. Even when doing the same treatment, they can use different procedures, medications, etc. So, when researching online, it can be difficult because just because one clinic lists how they do it, it doesn’t mean the next clinic will be the same. But it gives you a good general idea and starting place, nonetheless.
Oftentimes, I feel that that I know more of what’s going on than the doctors do. Remember that this is your plan, you have a say in your treatment. Fight! No one will fight harder than you for you. So if something doesn’t sound right or feel right – speak up. You you’re your own body better than anyone else. Don’t be afraid to take control. Ask questions. Be annoying. (I like to think of annoying as “being prepared.”) Call. Do whatever you need to do. This is your body and your life. And that is worth speaking up for!!
Don’t be afraid to take notes during appointments. (I regret that.) If you don’t understand, ask him/her to explain it again. Ask for printed information, search online, and talk with people who have been through it. But remember that in the medical world, research is always updating and changing medical practices. So, just because you talked to someone who went through IVF 10 years ago, it may not be the same in today’s time.
Although, even if you’ve done all the research you can, I’ll give you a fair warning that you’ll never truly understand it all until you’ve been through it yourself! But I guess that’s true with any aspect of life! Experience is the best ally!
There are so many different doctors and clinics that practice varying techniques for infertility. Even when doing the same treatment, they can use different procedures, medications, etc. So, when researching online, it can be difficult because just because one clinic lists how they do it, it doesn’t mean the next clinic will be the same. But it gives you a good general idea and starting place, nonetheless.
Oftentimes, I feel that that I know more of what’s going on than the doctors do. Remember that this is your plan, you have a say in your treatment. Fight! No one will fight harder than you for you. So if something doesn’t sound right or feel right – speak up. You you’re your own body better than anyone else. Don’t be afraid to take control. Ask questions. Be annoying. (I like to think of annoying as “being prepared.”) Call. Do whatever you need to do. This is your body and your life. And that is worth speaking up for!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
INFERTILITY: THE THIRD YEAR: - Hope or Denial?
October 2008 through October 2009
Our third year started with renewed hope…or maybe it was just denial. We started doctoring at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I thought, if the “world famous Mayo Clinic” as they call it, couldn’t get us pregnant, than who could? We might as well give it all we’ve got. We went through more testing there with a more specific sperm analysis called “morphology.” The morphology came back with interesting results. Nick’s sperm count wasn’t necessarily “low,” but other issues were recognized with the motility. They look closer at "perfect" sperm. All of that was really confusing to me, but from what I understood, we were at around the 3%, where the chance of conceiving on our own was very slim.
I endured tests and more tests. We wondered if there would be an end in sight. We did 2 more IUI’s with no success. This year was difficult with fitting in treatments. Time just didn’t always work out for us. We’d be out of town during ovulation, peak times, etc. So, we’d be forced to take another month off. We voluntarily took some shorter breaks in-between treatments to regroup and rejuvenate.
At then end of the third year, when we started the process for in-vitro, I felt bewildered that we had really been on this journey for this long. I never imagined it would get to this point. I naively thought we’d be one of those couples who would start going to the doctor and naturally get pregnant by ourselves during the in-between times of non-treatments. I don’t know why I even thought that would even happen to us since I actually only personally know one person that has happened to!
So, now it’s been over 3 years since we started this infertility journey. Wow! We’ve done all we can medically available up to this point. Now on to the next step..in-vitro! Since it had been 1 year since Nick's last sperm analysis, they requested another. Apparently it was also a newer, updated "test." It can study more into the specific appearance of the DNA and how it binds to protein. (Blah, blah, all of this stuff I don't understand at all!) This time the results were different! The sperm seemed to have "improved." In fact, they told us that we may not have to go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, as we had discussed, but just to go ahead with the IVF. But after some more thought, our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggested that we still go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, just to maximize for best results! (The techniques for IVF and IVF-ICSI will be explained in a future post!)
We are optimistic that IVF should be successful for us! If we haven’t been able to get pregnant due to the sperm not being able to get into the egg, then this should work! Mayo stats show that it’s about a 50% chance we’ll become pregnant. And if we are pregnant, then it’s around a 20% chance it will be twins.
Our third year started with renewed hope…or maybe it was just denial. We started doctoring at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I thought, if the “world famous Mayo Clinic” as they call it, couldn’t get us pregnant, than who could? We might as well give it all we’ve got. We went through more testing there with a more specific sperm analysis called “morphology.” The morphology came back with interesting results. Nick’s sperm count wasn’t necessarily “low,” but other issues were recognized with the motility. They look closer at "perfect" sperm. All of that was really confusing to me, but from what I understood, we were at around the 3%, where the chance of conceiving on our own was very slim.
I endured tests and more tests. We wondered if there would be an end in sight. We did 2 more IUI’s with no success. This year was difficult with fitting in treatments. Time just didn’t always work out for us. We’d be out of town during ovulation, peak times, etc. So, we’d be forced to take another month off. We voluntarily took some shorter breaks in-between treatments to regroup and rejuvenate.
At then end of the third year, when we started the process for in-vitro, I felt bewildered that we had really been on this journey for this long. I never imagined it would get to this point. I naively thought we’d be one of those couples who would start going to the doctor and naturally get pregnant by ourselves during the in-between times of non-treatments. I don’t know why I even thought that would even happen to us since I actually only personally know one person that has happened to!
So, now it’s been over 3 years since we started this infertility journey. Wow! We’ve done all we can medically available up to this point. Now on to the next step..in-vitro! Since it had been 1 year since Nick's last sperm analysis, they requested another. Apparently it was also a newer, updated "test." It can study more into the specific appearance of the DNA and how it binds to protein. (Blah, blah, all of this stuff I don't understand at all!) This time the results were different! The sperm seemed to have "improved." In fact, they told us that we may not have to go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, as we had discussed, but just to go ahead with the IVF. But after some more thought, our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggested that we still go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, just to maximize for best results! (The techniques for IVF and IVF-ICSI will be explained in a future post!)
We are optimistic that IVF should be successful for us! If we haven’t been able to get pregnant due to the sperm not being able to get into the egg, then this should work! Mayo stats show that it’s about a 50% chance we’ll become pregnant. And if we are pregnant, then it’s around a 20% chance it will be twins.
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