Lessons That Infertility has Taught Me

I found this in a word document that I wrote sometime in 2009. Glad I found it so I could add it to the blog! :)

Lessons That Infertility has Taught Me

I’ve learned there are many who will not understand.
But there are a few who will.
Those few will help me make it through.

I’ve learned that everyone fights their own battles.
And that everyone has their own separate burdens to bear.
God will not give you anything you cannot handle.

I’ve learned it’s okay to admit I’m hurting. It’s okay to let others in.
God gets more glory when people know I really am in a storm,
Because He’s the only reason I’m making it through.

I’ve learned that even through the many moments of sadness,
There is always a small glimpse of joy.
Even the smallest amount of joy will carry me through.

I’ve learned that I feel like no knows exactly how I feel.
There is one who knows exactly I feel.
That only one is God.

I’ve learned that I believe everything happens for a reason.
And I desperately wish I knew what this reason was.
God works miracles in unanswered prayers.

I’ve learned there are many times I feel as if I have no strength left.
But God’s strength is perfect in my times of weakness.
He will keep me strong.

I’ve learned that infertility doctors are not always encouraging.
They are not always right either.
I will trust in God, not in my doctors.

I’ve learned that my heart will break when another’s baby is born.
And I will feel bad for feeling that way, but I also feel true hope.
That hope will be enough to carry me through.

I’ve learned that people will say foolish things to try to encourage you.
These things will only make you feel much worse.
And I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

I’ve learned that even amongst the hardest time I’ve ever faced,
I cannot compare my life to others too much.
You have no idea what their journey is all about.

I’ve learned that people will say, “Just stop trying and it will happen.”
Or “Have fun with it.”
What a joke that is.

I’ve learned that if I close my eyes
And open my heart,
God’s comfort is waiting there.

I’ve learned to appreciate the many blessings I have.

I’ve learned that some battles you have to fight alone.

I’ve learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I’ve learned to take one day at a time.

I’ve learned to trust in God’s time, not mine.

I've learned that prayers are answered, but not in the ways we've imagined.

I’ve learned that there is always hope.
And there is always faith.
And there is always love…

I believe in miracles.

WEEK 30 - 32 SYMPTOM UPDATE

Week 30:
I’ve been asked a lot of questions about food cravings and aversions during my pregnancy. Fortunately I haven’t really had any. There’s been a few foods that I haven’t liked the smell of, such as the browning of turkey meat. And I wouldn’t necessarily say I’ve had any cravings. Although I have noticed that I love, love, love FRUIT. I just can’t seem to get enough of it. But it’s not a food craving where if we don’t have any, I make Nick run to the store to get it! And icecream...but I always love icecream so I’m not counting that either!

I just have to pose this question that I know (okay, I HOPE) most of you who have been pregnant can totally relate to. I’m now to the point where not much maternity clothing fits me anymore and even the very select few that do, it still just doesn’t feel comfortable. In fact, I just want to be naked. And bras are the worst. I feel suffocated. I lay down and my clothing shifts weird making it too hard to move the fabrics of your clothes around. Not to mention I’m so hot all the time so clothes just make it worse. Even loose fitting pants feel tight on my lower abdomen. I feel like I’m smooshing the babies. It’d be much easier to just walk around naked. If I had good shades in our house, I probably would. HA!

Week 31:
This week we were on our annual golf vacation with the Vincelli family. I tried to take it easy with lots of lying around and swimming in the pool. I barely walked at the golf course. But I still felt and experienced a lot of Braxton-Hicks Contractions. It’s not painful, just very tight and uncomfortable. Everyone says you don’t need to worry until they develop into a pattern and if there’s more than 5 in an hour. But it still doesn’t make sense to me. How do you know when it’s time to call a doctor?

I’m also losing control over my basic fine motor skills. In other words, my fingers just don’t work! I find myself dropping more and more things. On our last day of vacation, I spilt a glass of milk down my entire leg and feet at breakfast. Then an hour later, while packing up the car outside, I dropped a brand new large jug of virgin pina colada mix on the sidewalk. It broke and splattered everywhere. After crying for about 15 minutes, I calmed down. (Not because I thought it was alcohol abuse to have it go to waste...HA...but because I feel like I just don’t have any control anymore.)

Week 32:
I had a little scare this week as I was carrying a laundry basket down the stairs. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I basically missed the last step and fell down the last stair. I landed on my knees, so it wasn’t bad, but it did hurt. My doctor said that women's ligaments really change during pregnancy. He said you can just be walking and your ankles give out. That fact made me feel a little better! Although for days afterward there was a sharp pain on my left side. It felt like a giant bruise. I’m not sure if a pulled a muscle or hit it on the basket when I fell. But that area definitely felt painful and it hurt to twist or lay on it.

I’m bummed to say that my fall hay fever allergies have arrived as well. I was really hoping that maybe this year they would stay way. I read that sometimes in pregnancy, you don’t experience your normal allergies. No such luck. So, now I have swollen and itchy, red eyes. I’m sneezing like crazy and blowing my nose every hour. And those sneezes, I can feel throughout my entire body…it hurts!! I don’t think the babies are enjoying that. I know I can still take medications, but I’m not going to unless I can’t take it anymore.

TOP 10 THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT PREGNANCY

1.) Having two miracles grow inside of me
2.) Feeling the babies kick
3.) Smiles from strangers
4.) Special treatment
5.) Mandatory rest 2 hours every day
6.) “Expectant Mothers” parking spots at HyVee
7.) Eating for 3! (packing on those extra calories!)
8.) Being taken care of by everyone
9.) Not having to work out
10.) Listening to Nick talk to the babies inside my belly

TOP 10 THINGS I MISS ABOUT NOT BEING PREGNANT

1.) Wearing my wedding ring (my fingers are too swollen)
2.) Cute shoes (only 1 pair of flip flops fit me right now)
3.) Wine
4.) Being able to bend over and pick something up (without pain and groaning!)
5.) My feet and ankles (oftentimes they are so swollen they don’t exist)
6.) Painting my toe nails, shaving, etc.
7.) My “normal” body
8.) Sleeping though the night without back aches, stomach aches, having to get up to pee, etc. (and I really miss sleeping on my stomach!)
9.) Not feeling so much pain and being so uncomfortable!
10.) Being able to hug and cuddle with Nick without feeling uncomfortable

CAN YOU BABYSIT MY STOMACH FOR A WHILE?

Here I am at 31 weeks pregnant!

Now since I’m 32 weeks pregnant and am carrying around almost 8 pounds of babies already, I’m getting really sore and uncomfortable. The pressure in my stomach is intense. At times, I just want to remove my stomach and pass it over to a babysitter for a while. I said to my husband, Nick, “Can’t I just take this thing off for a while and you carry it around?!” Sounds horrific, I know. You’re probably thinking what a bad mother I am already. But honestly, it would be nice to have a little break from all the pressure, stress, and pain running through my entire body. It’s hard to walk and it feels like every muscle is being pulled. I’m supposed to rest a lot and take it easy, but I have so much I need to do. So, not only am I having a physical struggle with my body, but a mental one too. My brain wants to go, go, go, but my body is telling me to slow it down. However do I make both happy?

So please give me a little slack. I’ve been walking around as a full term pregnancy for over 5 weeks already and I still have 8 weeks left. Yes, I complain. Yes, I wish I didn’t complain. But I always marvel at the miracle. The more and more I think about it lately, I’ve now decided to be proud of myself and give myself a lot of credit. Incubating two babies isn’t an easy job and I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job.

Here’s to the next 8 weeks of pregnancy survival…or whenever these precious babes decide to come out into the world! I can do it!!!! I can do it!!!

32 WEEK APPOINTMENT

Today’s OBGYN appointment went great. I’ve gained another 5 pounds since my last appointment 2.5 weeks ago. Oh my! Baby A is measuring to be around 4 pounds 2 ounces (1876 grams) and Baby B is measuring to be around 3 pounds 12 ounces (1708 grams). That’s adding up to a lot of baby weight to be carrying around!! No wonder I’m so uncomfortable!

We saw the babies on ultrasound again. They’re so darn cute!! They’re always moving around...busy, busy little guys. I can’t remember which baby did this, but one kept sticking his tongue out at us. Little stinker!! They're competing for attention! And the biggest surprise of the appointment was to find out that Baby B has flipped. He’s now head down. So both babies are in good position for delivery. We shall see if they stay that way.

So, since Baby B has flipped upside down sometime within the last 2 weeks, what we thought was his head (the big mound always poking out of my stomach) was actually his butt! The area I feel the most movement in is where both of their feet are. So, they're kicking, kicking away!

Baby A is measuring at about 33 weeks (53 percentile) and Baby B is measuring at about 31 weeks 2 days (37 percentile). So all is looking great! My blood pressure was a little high, but nothing my doctor was concerned about. It was 130/80. It’s been low/normal the entire time until now. He said it’s not an issue until the lower number is in the 90’s.

My fundal height is measuring at 43 centimeters….so at 43 weeks along. Guess I’m “overdue!” HA! (Remember that a woman who gives birth to a single baby at 40 weeks measure about 36 centimeters. So, I’m big…very very very big.) My OBGYN wants me to rest on my left side with my feet up for at least 2 hours every day. I’m ordered to just try to take it easy. That is easier said than done.

We also went to the county fair the night after this appointment and I didn’t make it walking very far. Guess we’ll be staying clear of the fair this year! I did get a chocolate ice cream shake, mini donuts, and cheese curds though. I think I’m good on my nasty grease until next year’s fair!

MATERNITY PHOTOS! HAPPY 30TH TO ME!

I had a maternity pregnancy photo shoot on my 30th Birthday! My sister, Erin, took the photos. What a wonderful way to spend a few hours to help me celebrate the big 30!!

Even though I look "full term" in these photos, I'm actually only 30 weeks pregnant!

Thanks for the great photos, Erin. Such precious memories of the twins in my tummy! (Oh and a good documentation of my "fake" wedding ring since my fingers were so swollen my real wedding ring didn't fit!)

SWAGGER WAGON

Well…this wife and husband team, who have always always always said “WE’RE NEVER GETTING A MINI VAN”, have a big surprise to share. I’m sure you can guess, but yes…we bought a mini van. But it’s not really a mini van, it’s a SWAGGER WAGON. Or at least that’s what we’re calling it. The new 2011 Toyota Sienna’s slogan and commercials call them “swagger wagons.” So, even though ours isn’t new, we’re still going to use that. There’s no mini van in our garage, it’s the swagger wagon!! We traded in my precious 2007 Chevy Trailblazer for a 2010 Toyota Sienna. We couldn’t pass up such a great deal on the trade in and great deal on the van. (Which has only been used 8 months as it was a rental car.) We think it was a sign from above and meant to be.

Now, please don’t worry, because we’re still going to be cool. (Wait…is it still “cool” to say cool??) I turn 30 in a week, so I suppose this is a rite of passage. We’re officially all grown up and we’re taking convenience over style. (Although the Sienna’s are pretty fashionable, I must say.) We just knew that if I ever wanted to leave the house with the twin babies, this is the way to go. Not having to worry about doors opening out, the sliding doors that open by remote, lots of room and storage, the list goes on and on. We’re thinking ahead to survival mode. And I really feel this is going to help tremendously with carrying two infant car seats around.

I know a lot of people name their cars. I’ve never named my car by anything other than the model. Well, ours will now affectingly be known as “Camry” and “Sienna”….how original!!

Check out the Swagger Wagon video. It’s hilarious. It’s exactly how Nick and I will be.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Sienna


Here’s a goodbye photo of my baby, my Trailblazer. Goodbye, my love. I will miss you!



And here are a couple photos of the newest addition to our family – the swagger wagon. (Please prove to us that we made a wise decision!)

WEEK 27 - 29 SYMPTOM UPDATE

Week 27:
Sleeping is getting very very uncomfortable. (Although now it’s more of my tummy and back that hurt…not the pain in my legs like I’ve mentioned before. So, it’s easier to turn over than before and I’m so thankful for that!) Nick and I have switched sleeping sides of the bed, so it will be easier for me to sleep on my left side. (FYI: Sleeping on your left side during pregnancy is recommended because it benefits the baby by improving blood flow and therefore nutrients to the placenta. It also helps your kidneys efficiently eliminate waste products and fluids from your body, which in turn reduces swelling in your feet.) Our “switching sides of the bed” is due to our theory that no matter what side of the bed I’m sleeping on, I always face away from Nick. For example: I normally sleep on the left side of the bed, sleeping away from Nick on my right side. But now on the right side of the bed, I should sleep facing away from Nick on my left side.) I think it has helped a little, but I’m tired of sleeping on my left side…it just never feels comfortable anymore. I force myself to fall asleep on my left side. Then I switch back and forth between my left and right when I get up for potty breaks during the night.


Week 28:
My left hand becomes numb and my joints in my fingers are very stiff when I wake up after sleeping. I used to notice it whenever I was sleeping on my left side and figured it coincided with that. But now I’ve realized that my left hand does that when I sleep on my right side too. It goes away after a few minutes, but it’s the weirdest feeling. I also get so hot when I sleep. The ceiling fan just wasn’t cutting it anymore, so we’ve added a small fan on the shelf right next to me so

My stomach feels very tight. It’s hard to bend down and get up without moaning and feeling like I’m smooshing those poor babies. I’m sure I’ve been having Braxton Hicks contractions more and more often. No pain…just extreme tightness. It gets rock hard, and I mean rock hard!


Week 29:
For weeks, I’ve been having a stinging pain in the middle of my chest, right under my breasts. It feels like a rash, but there’s no mark on the skin. It’s not itchy, but stings and stings. It helps if I try to put a little pressure on it with my hand. My doctor said this is normal and is the cause of nerve bundles stretching inside. Crazy! Never heard of that! (But glad it’s “normal.”)

My feet still become very swollen, especially on these hot summer days. They feel so tight and bruised. If I try to rub them, it just feels like a giant bruise all over my feet.