Our precious boys...

Our precious boys...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

NO CONTROL…So, “Onward & Upward”

There’s not much I can do about infertility. Sure I can go through the testing, medications, and treatments, but ultimately I don’t have ultimate control. It seems unfair to me that the one thing I’ve wanted more than anything else in my life, I can’t have. I just want to be a mother. But I don’t have much control over that outcome.

A “typical” couple that participates in an infertility program are in their late 20’s to mid 30’s, with professional careers. Typically they’ve experienced that if they work hard, they will achieve their goals. With infertility however, no matter how hard a couple works at conceiving or how carefully they follow a doctor’s instructions, there’s limited control over the outcome. It’s this loss of control that is so difficult for many.

Now remember I’ve mentioned that I’m a planner. I like organization and control. I may have a slight case of OCD. (Don’t we all?) I like packing, cleaning, organizing, and sorting. I like to be prepared. But nothing would ever prepare me for infertility. I’ve explored these aspects of me, learned to set some boundaries, and realized a little more of how to let go. I know I can’t be in control of this aspect of my life, but I can stay positive and keep moving forward.

Throughout all this “uncontrol,” I’ve found some peace. I’m trying to “let go and let God.” I’ve accepted I’m not in control of when we’ll make a baby but I am in control of keeping the faith and looking toward the future. My dad always says, “Onward and Upward.” I’ve used this quote in many aspects of my life. I know this infertility journey is just a step along the way. And ultimately my goal is to keep moving on…and to keep moving up…toward heaven, where someday I will be. We often forget that this life on earth is temporary. And therefore our pain will be temporary.

Never forget…Onward and Upward….

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