“GET A PET AND YOU’LL GET PREGNANT.”

I can’t even count how many times someone told us to get a dog. Seriously!??! Well, if that’s the only way we’ll get pregnant – then I guess we’re never meant to have a child! Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – I just don’t want one living in my house.

We’re not into superstitions, but nonetheless, we decided to go with the hype by trying it out and get a pet. What could it hurt, right? So, we bought a beautiful crowntailed beta fish that was looking so sad in it’s little plastic jar at the end of the aisle at Walmart. What a joy our little fishy was!

We got out the baby name book I bought at a garage sale for a quarter and searched and searched. We settled on a perfect name and it was 100% Italian, of course. Vincenzo Vitale Vincelli! Vincenzo means “conquering” and Vitale means “life.” It was our sign of how we’d “conquer life” and soon become pregnant with a little human of our own.

But years passed, with no pregnancy, and our dear sweet Vincenzo died in the fall of 2009. We gave him a nice burial “toss” out into the empty lot next to our home! Go ahead and throw out that theory. We learned that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed if you get a pet. (As if we really didn’t know that already.) If only it were that easy!

DON’T PUSH ADOPTION (YET)

Here’s a great article I came across on www.resolve.org. It’s by Vita Alligood and has some great information about talking infertility and adoption.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
By Vita Alligood

Don’t push adoption. Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child, and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

ONE OF MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS, MY PILLOW.

I’ll let you in on an interesting fact about me. And for those of you who know me best, you already know that I absolutely adore my pillow. I take it with me everywhere overnight, except on flights. And I really don’t like it when other people try to use it or yet alone, even touch it. It’s weird, I know…but it’s true. I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but I definitely cherish it above most of my other physical possessions. It’s just the ideal pillow for me; perfect size, smooshieness, smell, temperature, and softness.

I had my ‘old’ perfect pillow for many years. I think I most likely had it since high school, so by the time I retired it in 2008, I had it for over 10 years. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s totally gross.” And it probably was, but I loved that thing. I didn’t care if people said it was full of bed bugs and germs. But one day in a silly rage of “infertility psychoticness,” I imagined that could be the cause of our infertility! So away it went. I found a new pillow to try out and was in shock. I loved it even more than my ‘old’ perfect pillow! And being the intelligent woman I am, I thought ahead and bought another of the exact pillow so I can switch it out before the next 10 years pass again!!

If you know me, you know I love to sleep. You know I’m not chipper in the mornings and that I don’t enjoy being woken up on other people’s terms. (I know that you’re thinking, “And she wants to have a baby!”) So you can definitely say - I’m NOT a morning person! In high school, my older sister, Jesse, would practically have to drag me out of bed each morning. She’d yell at me, “If you don’t get up right now, I’m never waking you up again.” I guess it worked because eventually I did get up. (Thanks, Jesse, for your years of torment!)

Some people had their baby blankets they were attached too while young. I never went through a phase like that. I sort of imagine that maybe I’m going through that phase just a little later in life. And instead of a blanket or pacifier giving me comfort, it’s my pillow! If you think about it, you really do spend a lot of time with your pillow. I’ve cried a lot of tears on that thing during these years of infertility.

I know that many people have a hard time sleeping when they’re stressed. I’ve never experienced insomnia and I think that would be awful. But sleeping for me = not…a…problem…at…all! 9 out of 10 times, I’m asleep night as my head hits the pillow. My problem is the waking up part. I could sleep in everyday if I let myself. And during these infertility years, I force myself to get up even though it would be way easier to just sleep through it all. But I know someday it will get easier.

Oh, and just so you don’t think I’m absolutely crazy – my youngest sister, Corrie, has a similar relationship with her pillow. So, don’t think I’m crazy, I guess it’s just part of our genetics! HA!

THE STIRRUP-QUEEN

Being poked and prodded at is one thing. But being invaded in the most intimate part of your body is another. I’m tired of stirrups, I’m tried of clamps, I’m tired of vaginal ultrasounds, I’m tired of numerous doctors, nurses, and techs looking at me “down there”, and I’m tried of hearing, “scooch down and let your legs fall open.” I don’t even want to think about the number of people who have watched me spread my legs and taken a look. I just pray that someday I’ll be putting my feet in those stirrups while giving birth. Just call me the “Stirrup Queen” because that’s what I feel like! But I don’t want that title…I don’t want a crown…I just want to be “normal”…

“WORSE” THINGS COULD HAPPEN…

I’m not trying to diminish other people’s hardships. So, please don’t judge me. I’m not saying my pain is worse than yours. But please try to understand me. Do you appreciate my pain of wanting a family? Of wondering what’s so bad inside of me that God wouldn’t want a piece of me to go on? What did I do so horrible in my past that I deserve this? These are questions I often ask myself. Questions that make me question myself, my feelings, and my worthiness. I know God isn’t a punishing God, but why do I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this?

Whenever something is going bad is someone’s life – people say something like, “Just remember what’s most important in life – your family and children. As long as you’re together – that’s all you need.” Exactly!! So, imagine for a moment how one would feel when all you want is to start your own family – but you can’t make that happen. If the most important thing in life is “family,” then why can’t we make our own?

I know people can say that there are much “worse” things out there that could be happening to me. But really, who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Having cancer? Having depression?

I read an article about how different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing may be experiencing an injury before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife/mom for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman may be the “worst” thing. And to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

So, we all have difficult and heartbreaking things that happen in our lives. But never diminish another’s experience just because you haven’t gone through it or fully understand the emotional heartbreak. People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse. Both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same way, don’t tell someone that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Please don’t judge me – whether you’ve gone through this or not. We all have our crosses to bear. And as we know, they’re all different and unique. The exact same situation for two different people can be experienced in extremely different ways. And you never really know when someone is experiencing that “worst” thing that will happen in their lives as we never know where life will lead us. But we can support and try to understand along the way. Because yes – something “worse” could always happen…but who are we to judge what the “worse” really truly is?

Infertility may be my “worst” thing. Or maybe not. But for now it is…

INFERTILITY HUMOR

Here are a few infertility jokes I found online!!

Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was a wealthy, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.

One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .

RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist

After the first appointment at the Mayo Clinic, I realized that there is a big difference between a general obstetrician/gynecologist with a specialty in infertility and a RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist. A reproductive endocrinologist is a type of medical doctor who specializes in treating people with reproductive disorders. It’s their specialty – so it’s all they focus on. They are highly gifted, competently trained, compassionate, and devoted to providing the best treatment available. (Or at least they should be!)

I was relieved to be at a specialty clinic where infertility was all they dealt with, every day, all day. I wished I could have been here from the get-go, but you need to start with the “normal” clinic before you can be referred to the big guys. How nice to sit in a waiting room with other people who you knew were going through some sort of the same thing as you. What a blessing to not have to sit there next to some big ol’ pregnant bellied lady like at the OB/GYN.

I’d often find myself looking at the others waiting in the room, thinking of how far along they were in their infertility journey and what appointment they were on. We received blue binders of information that we were supposed to bring to each appointment. And each had initial labels on the sides referring to what was inside. So, I’d try to peek and see if they currently matched mine. Were they having an IUI? Were they starting IVF? I wondered what their stories were and how long they had been trying to conceive.

I am very thankful for our experiences so far at Mayo. The 45 minute drive back and forth from Mayo has actually given me a lot of time to debrief over appointments, which is nice! The medical staff has been very knowledgeable, supportive, and caring. We feel very blessed to live so close to and doctor at such a prestigious clinic/hospital.

HOPING FOR THE FUTURE

People often say that you need to visualize what you want in life and ‘see’ yourself accomplishing those things. No need to tell me to do that – you could tell me that there’s a 0% chance of me getting pregnant and I’d still find myself daydreaming of my little kiddos running around. Even though there were times I’ve felt far from hope, there was never a time I was completely hopeless. And I praise God for that!

I’ve bought baby name books, baby books, booties, and even a really hip diaper bag that I just couldn’t pass up! I daydream and I hope for the future. I think about what how I can decorate the nursery and baby names. In fact, we already have a middle name picked out for both a boy or a girl! But one of my favorite things to daydream about is how to tell people we’re pregnant. Oh, how that will be such a long awaited joy. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

As I sit in church, I wonder when it will be that we will be up there by the alter watching our baby get baptized. I even think about to when we have teenage children and picture them being involved in sports, band, etc. I wonder what hobbies they will like and what their personalities will show. I wonder if we’ll still be living where we are and if our children will get married in our church. I wonder what age we will be when we become grandparents and get saddened by the fact that we probably will never be great grandparents.

I choose to hope for the future. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future…

SILENT STRUGGLE

My biggest anger with infertility is that it’s such a silent struggle. Most people who see others going through it don’t talk about it. It makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to do, they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how to act. They don’t ask. They figure not saying anything at all is a better choice. Personally, I think that’s the worst thing to do.

People going through infertility need support! They want to know that they’re not alone. And when you’re struggling with anything in life, I believe the worst thing to feel and believe is that you are truly alone.

I read on a fact sheet (from the” American Society for Reproductive Medicine”) that many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease. I’ve often thought that infertility doesn’t receive the appropriate support from others. I’m not saying that infertility is more tragic than having cancer. Not at all. But - I’ve often thought it is very disappointing how individuals who have a medical condition, such as cancer, often get a lot of verbal and face-to-face support from family and friends, and even people who do not know you at all.

Infertility is also a medical condition, but it oftentimes does not receive that same support. Why is there such a difference? I think it’s because infertility needs to be shown to the world. People need to realize the extent of it’s pain and suffering. They don’t understand how much of a heart wrenching and traumatic experience it truly is. I know it may not make sense to you, looking at it from the “outside” (if you have not gone through infertility personally), but I can assure you, it is more complex than you imagine.

I hope someday infertility steps out from it’s category of being a “silent struggle.”

NOTHING DEFEATS HOPE

Nick and I have gone through our fair share of feeling as if we don’t belong. We’re at an interesting stage in our lives. Here we are now, married for over 5 years. Most of our friends are either single without kids or married with kids. There aren’t many “like us,” who are just married with no children. This can make it difficult in spending time with friends. Single friends hang out with single friends because they don’t want to feel like the third wheel. And friends with children can’t always hang out as easily, or they would rather hang out with friends who have children so when they get together their children can play together. Needless to say, oftentimes, we feel left out.

We don’t blame anyone and know it’s not anyone’s fault. We just keep plugging away, knowing that someday we’ll have children of our own. We keep that hope because we know that nothing defeats hope! And although that hope builds, but then also falters as we go through each disappointment, we know that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Graciously, God has turned those disappointments into appointments with Him. We are learning a lot and trusting a lot. We pray this journey leads us to a life long ministry of being able to support and comfort others in their times of need.

So, I’m choosing to keep believing, to keep trusting, and to keep hoping. I’ll do anything to become a mother. And I know that day will come and will be worth every second of the hardships along the way.