MY REPRODUCTIVE STORY

I’ve read that we all, from an early age, have an unconscious narrative of our reproductive story that we’ve written. It’s our story of how we think our life as a parent will all unfold. It starts in childhood and is modified and rewritten as you become an adult. And when it doesn’t unfold as you hoped it would, that certainly explains some of the emotional pain of infertility.

I never imagined that after 5.5 years of marriage, at the age of 29, I still wouldn’t have any children. My ideal life plan was to meet the man of my dreams by sophomore year of college, get married right after college, and have a baby 2 years later. Ultimately, God has had different plans for me than I had for myself! I did meet the man of my dreams in college, at then end of my junior year, just one week before he graduated from college! And we did get married 3 years later after we met (2 years after I graduated from college.) So, I was just a few years “behind” my dream plan. Not too bad! But when the whole baby making thing came along, it pushed my plan behind…far behind. Goodbye baby that was supposed to be born when I was 26 or 27!

So, now that I’m 29 years old, I guess my story continues to rewrite itself, without my approval. It’s been three years of our infertility struggle. It’s a little uneasy to keep watching the months and years pass and to still not know the miracle of pregnancy, birth, or the joys of parenthood. People tell me to relax and stop worrying because I’m young and have plenty of time. But that’s hard to take in, as they’ve never been through this situation themselves. In fact, it’s very patronizing and hurts deep. Once a married couple wants to have a baby, then faces years of challenge trying to get there, their age becomes irrelevant because the pain and frustration is so very genuine. Even though I understand that we have years left and that my biological clock hasn’t run out yet, it’s difficult when you’ve already seen three years pass and wonder if that chance will ever come – no matter how much time I have left…

PASS THE TEST…Good news: It’s Open Book!

This is a test. And I’m going to pass this test. Fortunately this test is an open book test. Yippee! Because the Bible has all the answers I need…for now! (I’m saving up to ask those other questions for when I’m in heaven.) This test doesn’t have any time limits and I can ask others for help. As a Christian, my faith is being tested more than ever before.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Through this bible verse we believe that even when the proof is not provided and the questions aren’t answered, we still have faith.

I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I know He won’t leave my side. I’m going to keep plugging away and learn as each day passes. I don’t know how this test will end or what grade I’ll receive. But I do know that I won’t give up. My faith is being strengthened and my walk with Jesus has never been sweeter.

I read that two-thirds of those who undergo treatment for infertility will have their journey end in a successful pregnancy. Dear God, please let us be in that two-thirds! Please keep our burdens light and our hopes high! Help me to walk by faith, not by sight and guide me to understand that no matter what happens, your will and your plan for our family will make our hearts whole.

INFERTILITY SUCKS!

Infertility makes me feel like a bad person. I feel selfish. I feel empty and unworthy. I’ve discovered I have a lot more jealous bones in my body that I ever had imagined. I fear that infertility is changing me for the worst. It’s altering my perceptions and changing my dreams. It’s changed me to the point where sometimes I’m afraid I’ve forever lost the parts of me that were so hopeful and positive.

Infertility has made me humiliated to admit that I’ve been angry with God. I’ve questioned my faith and I’ve struggled to accept His timing. At times, I’ve even felt as though God has turned His back on me. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out what I did so horrible to deserve this.

In an article, I read this simple sentence that gave me peace. “Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.” It made me think more about the fact that I’m not being punished. Bad things happen to good people. It’s just a fact of life! God’s not trying to hurt me and He works good through all circumstances. We may not ever know the exact reasons why things have to happen the way they do. But we can be assured that He knows what He’s doing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Yes, infertility sucks. But we’ll make it through this. And we’ll wait for this baby…I didn’t say patiently wait…but we’ll wait…for our little beautiful, incredible, miracle…however long it takes.

GOD’S STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN OUR WEAKNESS

Infertility makes me scared. I feel weak. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of the tests and the doctor appointments. I’m scared we’ll never get pregnant. I’m scared of how my body will react to all the medications. I’m scared I won’t be able to deal with all the emotional stress. I’m scared other people are looking at us thinking we don’t have any children because we’re “those kind of people.”

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. But what is “normal” anyway? Maybe this is what “my normal” is. I don’t think I can necessarily stop these feelings, but I do think that I have a choice. We all have a choice. Be sad, feel what you need to feel, but don’t let it take over your life. I realize I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m sensitive, I can’t change who I am, but I can control it. I have a choice! Today is a new day and it’s up to me to make it count.

Even though I feel weak, I know God is working in me. I may not know exactly how, but I know His strength will be perfect in my weakness. So for now, I’ve decided to try to smile more, pray more, and complain less. I know I’ll be stronger. I know I’ll survive…

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I HAVE INFERTILITY, BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE ME!

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in infertility that you forget how to live. We need to consciously remind ourselves that there is so much more to life. Find those things that make you happy and don’t let infertility take that happiness away from you.

Fight! Fight for what you love. Fight for what makes you happy. Don’t let infertility steal the fight in you! Don’t give up. Keep pushing on. Realize the strength in yourself and know it’s okay and imperative to draw from the strength of others.

I’ve realized that no matter what happens infertility will be with us forever. We can’t run away from it. Sometimes it will be hiding in the shadows and sometimes it will be glaring us in the face. But it will always be there. We’re not ashamed of our negative feelings from infertility, because we know that’s part of the process. But we do want to avoid the bitterness and cynicism as a result of it. We know this whole journey has made us more compassionate and more understanding. It has changed us for the better and for that we are thankful.

I have infertility, but it doesn’t have me…

UNINVITED GUESTS: GUILT & DESPAIR

Throughout these three years, I’ve gone through many spurts of guilt and despair. I don’t want to call it depression, because I’ve heard depression often associated with “hopelessness.” And even though there were times I felt so far from hope, there never was a time that I was completely hopeless. There was always a tiny glimpse of hope that I held onto even in the weakest times.

Oftentimes, the guilt I experienced was in response to feelings I would have. I felt guilty for being upset when I heard of another’s pregnancy news. I felt angry with myself for feeling that way. One day a good friend told me to stop being so hard on myself. I didn’t realize until then that much of my guilt was unrealistic. I was being too hard on myself for having “natural” feelings that I should have allowed myself to feel.

One thing I do know for sure is that infertility will have you experience every single emotion known to mankind! I’ve learned to appreciate each emotion and know that without the “bad,” how would we truly know what the “good” feels like? The good feels better because we have the bad to compare it to. All of these emotions, good and bad, are making me realize and truly appreciate being able to feel these things.

INFERTILITY ISN’T CONTAGIOUS!

Throughout our infertility, as time went on, I found myself reaching out to many people. We didn’t try to keep infertility a secret. We wanted and needed love and support. We understood that not everyone would be comfortable knowing. And I know that not everyone who has infertility is going to be as open about it as I am. I’m not sure exactly why I’m not so shy about it, after all, it is a very intimate and personal part of someone’s life. But, I do know that by putting “myself” out there, I’ve found unexpected support from the most unexpected people. And what a true blessing that has been.

And on the contrary, we now know that the people we most thought would WANT to understand, really didn’t seem to want to understand at all. Maybe they didn’t have the time. Maybe they were afraid of what to say or how to act. Some individuals who were close to us, seemed to back away after finding out. I started feeling like I had an evil plague and if anyone talked with me about infertility, they might catch it too. Am I contagious or something?

It hurt to be cut off from friends. It hurt when people didn’t ask. It hurt when I started talking about infertility and they changed the subject. It hurt when I would email people, straight up telling them I was struggling and needed help, and never got a reply back.

Infertility isn’t contagious. You don’t have to say anything miraculous and philosophical. Just say something, because something is better than nothing…

HOW SHOULD A CHRISTIAN DEAL WITH INFERTILITY?

I found this online and thought it was a great article!
http://www.gotquestions.org/infertility.html

Question: "How should a Christian deal with infertility?"

Answer: The problem of infertility can be a very difficult one, especially for couples who have looked forward to children all their lives. Christian couples can find themselves asking “Why us, Lord?” Surely God wants Christians to be blessed with children to love and nurture. For physically healthy couples, one of the most heart-wrenching aspects of infertility is not knowing whether it is a temporary or permanent situation. If it is temporary, how long must they wait? If it is permanent, how do they know that, and what should be their course of action?

The Bible depicts the problem of temporary infertility in several stories:

God promised Abraham and Sarah a child, but she did not bear a son, Isaac, until age 90 (Genesis 11:30).

Isaac, Rebekah’s husband, prayed fervently, and God answered, resulting in the births of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25:21).

Rachel prayed, and at long last God “opened her womb.” She bore two sons, Joseph and Benjamin (Genesis 30:1; 35:18).

Manoah's wife, who was infertile for a time, gave birth to Samson (Judges 13:2).

Elizabeth in her old age gave birth to John the Baptist, the forerunner of Christ (Luke 1:7, 36).

The barrenness of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (the mothers of the Israelite nation) is significant in that their ability to finally bear children was a sign of the grace and favor of God. However, infertile couples must not assume that God is withholding His grace and favor, nor should they assume they are being punished in some way. Christian couples must cling to the knowledge that their sins are forgiven in Christ and that the inability to have children is not a punishment from God.

So what is an infertile Christian couple to do? It is good to seek advice from gynecologists and other fertility specialists. Both men and women should live a healthy lifestyle to prepare for pregnancy. The mothers of the Israelite nation prayed fervently for conception, so continuing to pray for a child is certainly not out of line. Primarily, though, we are to pray for God's will for our lives. If His will is for us to have a natural child, we will. If His will is that we adopt, foster-parent, or go childless, then that is what we should accept and commit to gladly doing. We know that God has a divine plan for each of His loved ones. God is the author of life. He allows conception and withholds conception. God is sovereign and possesses all wisdom and knowledge (see Romans 11:33-36). “Every good and perfect gift is from above...” (James 1:17). Knowing and accepting these truths will go a long way to filling the ache in the hearts of an infertile couple.

I WANNA KICK MY OWN BUTT (The result of mixed emotions!)

I feel like a complete basketcase. I really don’t even know how I should feel anymore. In one moment, the longing for children is too much to bear. And within the next, I’m trying to convince myself I don’t even want kids anyway. I see a newborn baby and I can’t decide whether I want to hold that baby and gaze at it’s beautiful face or close my eyes and pretend it’s not there.

It seems that I can’t go in public once without seeing a pregnant woman. Every other posting I see on facebook is news about a pregnancy or new baby. And every commercial and show on TV has to do with pregnancy, babies, or kids. Are these things true? No. But when you’re hurting from infertility, your perceptions may be faulty. It seems like everyone is intent on making you hurt, but that’s not the case.

We need to recognize that some of our feelings will be unpredictable. There may be some days when you feel like talking about it, and others when you don’t even want to think about it. And that’s okay. But of course this fact makes it difficult for others to know what to do. They just can’t look at you and know if you want them to ask or not ask. Sometimes I find that the days I want to talk about my infertility, are the days no one seems to care or ask. Then the times I don’t want to talk about it, it’s all they ask about. But who am I kidding? Honestly, it can depend upon the HOUR! Ask me. Don’t ask me. Either way I could be upset about it. But I can guarantee it hurts when people just pretend nothing’s wrong and ignore it altogether.

It’s like I’m “infertility bipolar.” One minute I’m the total optimist and the next I’m the total pessimist. Needless to say, that is why I sometimes want to kick my own butt!

WOMEN VS. MEN

It’s not difficult to notice that infertility is different for men and women. I read in a book that many women see motherhood as an essential part of their identity. It mentions that for a woman, having a child is as basic of a function as eating, breathing, and sleeping. And men need to be aware of the vicious torment infertility inflicts on a woman.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Nick didn’t hurt at the same intensity I did. And with that realization came some resentment and feelings of increased isolation. Don’t get me wrong. I know Nick cares and is sensitive to my needs. And he desperately wants a baby too. We both realize we’re in this together. We’re happy together, we hurt together, we pray together, and we support each other. But it’s just different for women than it is men.

I know these feelings are not unusual for many women going through infertility. It’s usually the woman who feels the greater involvement and suffering. After all, she’s the one on all the medications. She’s the one who has to be at every doctor appointment. And she’s the one who has to physically go through it. Women are the ones invited to baby showers, not men. Women are typically the ones hearing of another’s pregnancy or story of delivery, not men. And women are asked, “When are you planning to start your family?” Women are the ones who see another pregnant woman and listen to their stories. Women come across it more in their daily lives. It’s just a natural part of being a woman.

Wives shouldn’t assume that their husbands understand the depth of their pain. That’s why it’s so important to communicate. Without the communication, you won’t be able to deal with it effectively. And if you don’t let your feelings out, you may become fuller of that grief, which will in return, make you frustrated and angry.

And husbands shouldn’t assume their wives understand the depth of their pain. Tell you wife how you feel because sometimes she feels like infertility doesn’t even affect you. It hurts husbands to see their wives in such emotional pain. But you need to realize that we don’t need you to fix the pain. We want to know that you hurt with us. We need your support and comfort. We need to know that you care too and that infertility affects you as well.

GRIEVING TO HAVE A CHILD

I read in an article by the Cleveland Clinic Foundation that said, “Many people do not recognize that infertility is a source of grieving. The loss of a child who was wanted and imagined but never conceived is a legitimate loss, much like suffering a miscarriage or a stillborn baby.”

I think one of the hardest things for an “outsider” to understand about someone going through infertility is the constant battle with grief. In infertility you are constantly going through that process of heartache and sorrow. You are grieving to have a child. And every month you are grieving over a child that didn’t happen yet again. It is extremely hard to explain, but, in some sort of way, you feel like you lose a child every month.

I read in the book, “When The Cradle Is Empty,” by John & Sylvia Van Regenmorter, that grief associated with infertility is called, “disenfranchised grief.” That means that your sense of loss will not be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned. Chances are no one will offer you condolences. It is the slow death of a dream; the death of your hopes and aspirations. It is the death of a child you never had.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to explain. I am, in no way, saying that suffering the loss of a loved one isn’t as horrible as infertility. I do believe it would be far worse to lose someone you already know and love, than to lose the dream of someone you have never even met. But when you lose a loved one, there is a process of grief that you work through. And with infertility, you go over that process time and time again, sometimes month by month. It doesn’t really allow for that “healing” time in the stages of grief.

The journey of infertility is an interesting grief process to go through. It’s a grief experience, but you can’t truly go through all the stages and have it come to an “end.” (That’s because you have no idea when the end is sight. You don’t know if you ever will conceive a child.) It is unlike the grieving process of a death. In a death, you know that person is not coming back. But it’s different when you’re grieving so deeply over someone who was never there. I know that thought may sound extreme, but in the mind of someone with infertility, it’s a true feeling. And during your different stages of “infertility grief,” you will resurface many of your feelings over and over again…even after you think you’ve conquered them…and they may come with a vengeance.

You may have tried every treatment available and now you need to try to bury that specific hope or dream. You try to look for new possibilities of new plans and new dreams. Perhaps this means adopting a child or maybe even deciding to all together stop your plans for ever having children. This process is hard. And I don’t know if the pain will ever truly be gone. But I pray that if this is what it comes down to for us, that infertility will no longer be the dominating force it once was. I pray that we will find other wonderful goals and blessings to take its place.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

I’ve heard a lot of hurtful comments. I know people don’t mean to be offensive, they’re just naive. But naive makes is sound so negative…it’s not that their necessarily naive – they just don’t know. They’re just trying to say something…anything…and sometimes it just comes out wrong.

But please, please, please, avoid saying these things that truly hurts someone going through infertility.

• “Just don’t think about it and it will happen.”
• “You’re lucky. We’d love to have time without our kids.”
• “If you’d stop stressing out about it, maybe it would happen.”
• “I know exactly what you’re going through, it took us 3 months to get pregnant.”
• “You can take my kids!”
• “So & So prayed, and they got pregnant right away.”
• “This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the winter.”
• “All I have to do is look at my husband and I can get pregnant.”
• “Maybe you aren’t meant to have children.”
• “Just go on a vacation.”
• “Adopt and then you’ll get pregnant for sure.”
• “Get a dog and then you’ll get pregnant.”
• “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
• “You’re so lucky you don’t have to use any contraception.”
• “You don’t want to get pregnant anyway. It totally ruins your body.”

HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WITH INFERTILITY

The best thing to do is to let them know that you care. People struggling with infertility most commonly feel ALONE! Just knowing you’re there let’s them know that they aren’t alone. Not saying anything is the worst thing to do. You don’t have to be a poet; you don’t know to know the right words to say. Listen a lot, but speak less. Ask questions without pressuring them. But do let that person know that if and when they want to talk about it – you are there. And if that time isn’t right now, let them know you are available whenever they need you.

Oftentimes, you don’t have to give advice; they just need to vent and to know that someone cares enough to listen. If you’re the “touchy feely type,” then give hugs and share tears along with him/her. Let them cry on your shoulder. But if you pretend nothing’s wrong or never ask, it’s like you’re ignoring that person and can make them feel like you forgot or that you don’t care.

Simply saying, “I’m thinking of you” can mean so very much. Send them cards. Any emails, texts, or cards that I receive that just say something like, “I love you and am thinking of you today.” mean so much. They don’t even have to say that it had to do with my infertility struggle. I just knew what they meant and that touched my heart. Let them know you are praying for them. Offer them the same kind of support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one.

Those little notes, emails, or texts really touches and uplifts the soul. And you may not know it, but they usually come at the perfect time when people need it the most. Days where I get my period or received news I didn’t want to hear from the doctor, were days I oftentimes would find these messages. Some people may call that a coincidence, but I know it’s a God-incidence.

Overall, just be there. Show support, show you care, and do it often. The worst thing about infertility is the terrible feeling of being alone. Don’t ever let anyone feel alone…



Below is a great letter for families and friends of those experiencing infertility. I read it on www.ivf.com by Mark Perloe M.D.

Letter to Family and Friends

Dear Friend:
I realize that sometimes it's difficult for you to know what to say to a couple who has a fertility problem. Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, it's the wrong thing. I'd like to give you a few suggestions that may help you be the friend I know you want to be:

1. Be ready to listen. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassurance these couples need most.

2. Don't offer advice unless you are really well informed. Infertile couples read everything they can get their hands on. Sometimes it seems as though they know more about fertility treatment than their own doctors. So talking off the cuff about something you don't really know about will only make them angry and defensive.

3. Be sensitive and don't joke about infertility; attempts at levity will only anger them. Joking about infertility is as inappropriate as joking about death at a funeral. Remember, infertile couples are hypersensitive about many things. Try to put yourself in their shoes whenever you insist they come to a baby shower, when you brag about your children's achievements, or when you tell them about your friend's daughter who got pregnant at fourteen.

4. Be patient. This couple may experience mood swings with every treatment or monthly cycle. One week they may be high because a new treatment promises hope; the next week they may be in mourning for the child they lost (didn't make) this month. They may be riding an exhausting emotional roller coaster which makes their actions and moods unpredictable. Try to understand and flow with their changes. And remember that when they want to be alone, they are not rejecting you. Don't get your feelings hurt by the preoccupation they have with their problems; keep in touch.

5. Show that you understand their difficulty. Say things like, "I know this is difficult for you," "I don't envy what you're going through," or, "If there is anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask." If you aren't sure about what they are experiencing, read some articles and books that discuss the emotional aspects of fertility problems.

6. Be realistic and supportive of their decisions for or against fertility treatment. Once they've reached a difficult decision, don't say, "Shouldn't you see another doctor?"; "Are you sure that you really want to adopt?"; or, "I'd never consider doing that!" These couples usually weigh each issue as though it were a life-or-death decision. Don't take their decisions lightly unless you have good reason to.

7. Don't put down their doctor or choices for treatment. Refrain from making comments like, "I never heard of a doctor doing that. Does he know what he's doing?" or, "You don't need surgery. What you need is a vacation." Unless, from your reading or experience, you are certain that their physician is not using accepted methods, keep quiet about these topics.

8. Be truthful. Don't, for example, try to hide a pregnancy in the family. The truth does not hurt, provided you are not brutally frank.

9. Let them know when you don't know what to say. The couple will appreciate your honesty and will probably suggest how you can help them in that particular situation, even if it means remaining quiet. Admitting your problem will help establish honest communication.

10. Be an advocate for infertile couples. Educate others and speak up for the couple's decisions. Promote your local RESOLVE chapter. If you do not have a support group in your community, help form one.

11. Understand that individuals and couples respond to fertility problems differently. Learn to recognize the normal emotional stages they are experiencing—denial, anger, depression, mourning, acceptance, and so forth. And realize that they may cycle through these stages with each new round of treatment and with each lost opportunity. Accept them when they are angry accept them when they are depressed, and accept them when they feel guilty. Unless they remain in a single stage for a prolonged period of time, don't become overly concerned.

12. Above all, be there when they need you and show them that you care.
This is a stressful time for everyone. Don't underestimate how important you and your relationship are to this couple. Your understanding and support can make a significant difference during this difficult period.

Mark Perloe M D
Atlanta, GA.

THE POEM, "WAIT"

This poem has given me much strength and comfort!

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."