UNREALISTIC FEARS = RIDICULOUS FEARS

As time passes and you think more and more of why you aren’t getting pregnant, you mind starts to go a little bizzerk! You think of all the reasons as to why it might be that you aren’t becoming pregnant, other than common medical reasons.

I took out my belly button piercing (that I foolishly got in college) after 8 years of having it in, because I was convinced it was poisoning me with infertility juices. I started considering switching up my brands of deodorants, shampoo, toothpaste, etc., just in case the specific combinations of these items were making an adverse affect. Crazy, I know…but I do think about it. I also thought maybe I should stop doing so much painting with my craft business. Maybe the paint’s toxic fumes were invading my reproductive system.

Or maybe there’s something in the water we’re drinking. Or is Nick’s sperm allergic to my eggs? (Sounds like a joke but that is actually a real medical problem.) Did I do something to damage my reproductive system? My grandma told me something when I was very young about how I shouldn’t be in gymnastics because it might mess up my “girlie parts.” Maybe she was right?!

I keep telling myself these are unrealistic fears. But why do these crazy things keep entering into my mind? I think I’m desperate for that one thing I can change to make it all better. If only there was one thing we could so simply do to make all this go away. - Even if it does involve ditching my current “fertility poisonous shampoo” (the brand I love oh so much!) and finding a new favorite.

LYING IS FOR LOSERS

After you get married, it’s a common question for people to ask you when you’re going to have children. It’s an ordinary question used as a conversation starter or conversation filler. “So, when do you want to have kids?” It’s an innocent question. I’m guilty of asking that very same question myself before our infertility. (It’s crazy how a few months can really change one’s perspective on that!)

After the first year of infertility, I started getting tired of lying when people asked me that dreaded question. “When are you going to have children?” Normally I replied, “We’re just not ready yet.” We didn’t want to tell anyone the first year that we were even trying, because we figured we’d become pregnant in a few months anyway. And we wanted it to be a surprise. But of course, those months just kept passing and passing.

I know you’re not supposed to lie. I want to be a good Christian. But when someone asks you such a personal question – how else should you respond? My dad said I shouldn’t be lying when people ask us those questions. But all I could think was that I shouldn’t have to answer. And they shouldn’t even be asking. But by me not answering – it just brings up more questions and perhaps some incorrect assumptions. I finally started opening up, and when people asked me that question, I said, “In God’s time.” It was a good and honest answer, after all. And one that shared my faith. It was an answer I could feel good about and comfortable with. Honestly, it usually scared people enough where they changed the subject quite fast….and never asked again.

I keep telling myself we’ll get pregnant, “In God’s time.” I’m learning to trust more in God’s time. (I just really wish His time would go a little faster...)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

When I say I felt alone, it’s not necessarily that I didn’t feel I didn’t have support of family and friends. Because I did have support. But, it’s more that I literally felt alone – that no one really felt the pain I felt. People cared but no one could feel my pain with me. I was tired of being the only one to have to feel these emotions and upset that I couldn’t do anything to make to make it change or stop.

Since about 1 in 6 of couples will experience some form of infertility, odds are, you probably know someone going through a similar experience. You’re not alone! To carry the burden of infertility and not be able to share your feelings can add to that sense of despair. Find that support! If you know someone else who has or is currently struggling with infertility, reach out to them. Most likely they’ll have some good advice or thoughts to share with you. And you never know if your experience will touch and inspire others as well. We’re all here to help each other.

And even though I knew other people going through infertility and we chatted/emailed back and worth, of course I still felt alone. I often wondered if God was really even there walking with us during this time. I now realize that He was there every single step of the way and He will be during all seasons of our lives. He felt every feeling I felt and caught every single tear in the palm of His hand.

THE INTIMATE (Ha Ha!) SEX LIFE OF THE BABY-MAKING CHALLENGED

In the beginning trying to make a baby is fun! But as the months start passing, it quickly turns to no fun very rapidly. The intimacy that God intended for married couples now has an unwanted third party. Doctors are now involved in your sex life. Your intimate life is opened up and intruded upon, by doctors telling you exactly when and how often to have sex. Scheduled, programmed, regimented sex is exhausting and diminishes your intimacy. The passion and enjoyment start to fade fast.

You have to force yourself to be “in the mood” at those exactly perfect times, because if you don’t do it then, you’ll loose another month of trying. You find yourself waking up after 3 hours of crappy sleep, after falling asleep upset because you haven’t had sex yet like you were supposed to. You convince, coax, and beg your spouse to have intercourse when one or the other is definitely not in the mood. And all the while you try to not loose that fun and spontaneity! Ha!

I pee on an ovulation stick in the morning and BAM, it’s time. I’m ovulating! We need to take care of this now or yet another month is wasted! Let’s do this quick before we both head off to work. So, I find myself propping my buttocks up trying to keep it all in - all the while trying to figure out how exactly I’m going to lay here for at least 20 minutes and still have enough time to shower, dress, and get out the door to make it to work on time. Maybe I should just call in sick. Or is it okay to call in and instead of using today as a paid “personal day” or a paid “sick day,” can it be a paid “ovulation day.”?

For 2 years of our infertility, Nick traveled for work and was gone 2 or 3 nights every week. Needless to say, trying to make a baby is definitely a challenge when you’re both not in the same place at the right time! More than once, he made that 3 hour drive back home while I was ovulating, just so we wouldn’t have to miss yet another month. Now that is dedication. We probably would have met halfway and did it in the car if there was no other option. Thankfully it never came to that…

BACHELOR OF ARTS DEGREE IN MOTHERHOOD

Many people dream when they’re young of what they want to be when they grow up. It’s a common question asked to children and teenagers. Honestly, I always knew that when I grew up I wanted to be a mom. There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more in my life than to be a mother. I never really knew what career path I wanted and it was hard for me to decide a college major. Why don’t they have a bachelor of arts degree in “Motherhood” anyway? If there was, I would have chosen that without a doubt. But I chose Elementary Education because since I loved kids, it seemed like the right thing to do.

In high school I taught pee-wee gymnastics, was a peer mentor for children, and helped with Sunday School and Bible School at my church. In college, all my studies were centered around children and I participated every semester in “field experiences.” After student teaching and graduating from college, I moved to Chicago and was a nanny for two children for over 2 years. When we moved to back to Minnesota, I worked at a preschool/daycare for three years. So you can see that everything I’ve done for most of my life, has centered around children.

My involvement with children proved to make it difficult in our quest for a child of our own. After 3 years of working at the preschool, with two of those years being years of our infertility, it was becoming hard to go to work everyday with everything I was doing being centered around children. It was inconvenient to take time off work to attend doctor appointments. So, I decided to leave my job to focus on “me” and try to not be stressed like everyone suggested.

I’m extremely thankful for all my experiences with children. And especially at the preschool/daycare with the younger children. I learned more there than I did in my years at college! I know it’s helped me gain perspective, ideas, and appreciation. And I know deep down I’ll be able to put it to use with my own children someday…

THE TABOO SUBJECT OF INFERTILITY

Why does infertility seem to be a taboo subject? I just don’t get it! Is it because it has to do with sex? Well – if it is, then how does anyone ever talk about pregnancy, delivery, or children? Because we all know how babies are made.

As previously mentioned, approximately 7 million, or 1 in every 6 couples will experience infertility. For something so common, you’d think people wouldn’t be so afraid to talk about it.

Infertility isn’t taboo. It’s someone’s journey to have a miracle…a baby of their own. And there’s nothing unmentionable about that. So please don’t be afraid to talk about infertility. People struggling with infertility have empty arms and broken hearts. They just want to know they’re loved.

SIDE EFFECTS FROM HELL

The symptoms and side effects I have experienced from infertility medications are: mood swings (you feel like a complete psychopath when you find yourself hysterically crying and you don’t know why - to the next second of hysterically laughing), very tender breasts (that if you accidentally touched, I wanted to punch you), sore nipples (that feel like they’re gonna snap right off if anyone got within 2 inches of them), frequent urinations (maybe I should just camp out in the bathroom), extreme fatigue (I didn’t have too much of a problem with this one as I LOVE sleep!), bloating (skinny jeans, what are those, can’t fit into them!), diarrhea (no comment), cramping (it’s bad enough to have that when I have my period, why other times of the month too?), gas (eewww), acne (I thought high school was over!?), lack of motivation (which in return makes me feel like a loser), and discharge (very uncomfortable).

So….you have to go through all the pain with nothing to show for it. Like I said before – talk about a horrible trick! You get pregnancy symptoms without every being pregnant. Lovely...just really lovely.

PREGNANCY TESTS: The Emotional Shocker: TREMENDOUS HAPPINESS OR INTENSE HURT IN JUST 3 MINUTES

The 3 minutes of waiting after taking a home pregnancy test is brutal! For me it wasn’t that the 3 minutes seemed to take forever, it’s that it went by way too fast! I’d sit there thinking and imagining how I’d react if it was positive. Would I stand there in shock? Would I cry? Would I scream while jumping up and down? And then I’d think of how I would react if it was negative again. Would I cry this time? Would I have relief? Would I think I was okay and then only find myself bursting into tears 2 hours later? I would have to force myself to go into the bathroom to check the result on the stick.

The sinking feeling of sadness associated with that one line (meaning NEGATIVE!) on the pee stick is sickening. Oftentimes, I’d find myself checking over the directions just one more time to make sure one line didn’t actually mean “pregnant.” Unfortunately, the printed directions never changed – yup, one line meant one thing – BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!

Time and time again of those moments of immense expectations suddenly followed by agonizing failure, are enough to make you fall to your knees. You’d think it’d get easier after so many years, but the disappointment and hurt is just as intense…every time…

“I HOPE YOU HAVE A CHILD JUST LIKE YOU!”

I guess you could say I was a bit of a challenging child at times, but weren’t we all? Apparently I was a troublemaker at home every now and then, but I think I just got bored easily. Actually it turns out I was so shy and well-behaved at school – of course I had to let it all out when I got home. You can only expect a child to behave for so many hours in a day, right?

People often joke about their mothers telling them this, but my mother truthfully told me on many occasions, “I hope you have a child just like you!” And that wasn’t a compliment – it was a 100% threat! Heck, Mom…I’ll take that. I’ll take a child much “worse” than me. I’ll take anything! Just let me have the honor and chance to experience motherhood! I’d give anything!

LESSONS ABOUT OUR FEELINGS by Jody Earle

I’ve found wonderful, educational, and heartwarming writings online. On www.infertilityeducation.org, I found writings by a woman named Jody Earle. She is an active member of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. What a blessing! Her writings seem to encapsulate every feeling I feel. I’m going to post a few of her writings. I hope they give you peace and insight!

“Lessons About Our Feelings” By Jody Earle

Struggling through infertility is a rugged, winding path. Having feelings at unfamiliar levels of intenseness becomes routine to us, and we develop a sense of elitism. No one hurts as much; no one wants a baby as much; no one deserves as much; no one suffers as much; no one understands. Our every decision depends on results of charts, drug therapy, or the calendar. The tempo of our life is paced by cycle-to-cycle or birthday-to-birthday. We rarely allow ourselves to hope; it's such a luxury. And when we do hope, it's no joy since we guard it with oppressive caution to protect us from disappointments. We're frequently on the very edge of panic, sometimes calm and often not-so-calm. And what has happened to intimacy during all of this? Where is it? Our intimate moments are shadowed by doctors, charts, timing, and anxiety. How dare they intrude! I learned years ago that in acts of love we should keep our minds free of hassles, your mind being your major sex organ. But now there are intruders.

Somehow, while we're being pummeled with this gamut of feelings, which are stronger than we knew existed, we start getting stronger. We learn that we can care for others and also care for ourselves—not a bad lesson. We learn to again allow rays of hope to court us. We gather information and support, and begin to accept that infertility is forever a part of us, but not forever master of us. We begin to accept our vulnerability and learn how to manage it, to gulp with an extra deep breath when we anticipate those persistent tears. We realize that we can and do learn to cope with whatever life brings to us, no matter what, with help from others. Our bitterness converts into control; we learn to confront and resolve. Some of this resolution may even happen prior to the completion of our infertility work-up. We DO survive it all, and even at times we begin to rejoice at just being the person we are. We begin loving and trusting ourselves and others again. It's a real liberation!