A DOUBLE BLESSING

I’ve accepted that IVF is our path and I am forever grateful because of it. Who would have thought I’d ever say it, but I truthfully feel blessed that I got to experience it this way. It’s absolutely amazing to think these precious babies were grown outside my body and then put back in. And to have the amazing experience to watch those 2 embryos being put back into me on ultrasound during our Embryo Transfer – absolutely breathtaking. Who gets to see their babies that early on? Not many at all!

We have been doubly blessed with twins. We couldn’t be happier and pray that these little babes grow strong and healthy throughout this entire pregnancy. There’s no doubt that we know we have more than enough love to share with both of our little miracles. And we know that for our children, we’d do this entire process all over again.

We have been blessed throughout this entire journey. A few people have mentioned to us after our pregnancy announcement, “Your prayers have finally been answered.” But that’s not entirely all true. Yes, our prayers have been answered, but they have always been answered the entire time. It’s just that this time, it has just been answered in the way we had hoped for, for so long. God has always answered our prayers with a “no,” “yes,” or “wait.” We’ve waited for many years and know God has been with us every step of the way.

Last Christmas, one of our pastor’s wives, Sue, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s an amazing woman and even amongst this trial, she is positive and uplifting. In one of Pastor’s sermons, he spoke of one of Sue’s favorite bibles verses in the book of Revelation, that speaks of “patient endurance.” I’ve really been inspired by this thought of patient endurance. I want to be patient and trusting and to keep moving forward, little by little. I have always hoped and prayed that I would reach a sense of peace and acceptance no matter where our infertility journey would take us. I now know that I want to use our infertility to help others. I know it’s made me even more aware and compassionate of others’ losses and hurts, in every aspect and walk of life.

With my infertility journey and my beautiful double blessings, I want to encourage and inspire others along their journeys. It’s made all the difference to know and trust that my journey is in God’s hands. I hope you know that yours is as well…

WEEK 8 - 11 SYMPTOM UPDATE

Week 8: I’m still exhausted all the time. And I don't just mean tired, I mean EXHAUSTED! People joke with me and say, "Ha. You think you're exhausted now, wait till the babies come." But this is totally different. I know people don't understand and it's hard to explain. No matter how much sleep I get, I just can't function. It depends upon the day but it’s hard to accomplish much on these “bad” days. I generally feel weak all day long. I can’t do much physical activity and need to sit down a lot. I feel so wimpy but I’ve read pregnancy symptoms can be doubled with twins. Double the pain but double the fun, right? Along with feeling week, oftentimes I feel dizzy if I move too fast. Getting ready in the morning proves to be especially difficult. I feel faint and have to sit down and rest often. I’ve resorted to blow drying my hair while sitting down as well!

Week 9: My pants are getting tight. Oftentimes my button isn’t buttoned to allow some extra breathing room. My breasts are very large. Had to go buy a larger bra already…Wow! I’ve had a few headaches here and there, but they’re usually at night so I just sleep it off. I've also joined the prenatal symphony of burps, flatulence, and rumbling tummy.

Week 10: Progesterone shots are DONE! I had my last progesterone shot in the buttock! I’m excited to get some feeling back in my numb legs and the knots/bruises to disappear. I’m generally feeling a little better overall. Food is going down a little easier. And I seem to be gaining a bit of energy back. I still feel weak and need to eat a little something every couple hours.

Week 11: We went on vacation to Tucson, Arizona this week. The two travel days were a little rough on me. I normally do fine on flights, but I guess the babies didn’t seem to agree. We took it easy during the vacation, taking time to head back to the hotel and lay out by the pool daily, so that was nice to help me rested.

Here's a photo of a wine bottle full of needles and syringes that I've used during the IVF process. It was completely full so we had to find a new container for the rest! Now it gets brought to the clinic to be disposed of. Awesome! I'm happy to get ride of that thing!

9 WEEK ULTRASOUND

I just love how the doctor labeled this "two heads are better than one."

Baby A and Baby B just chillin' together on this wonderful Friday!



It’s been a busy week with three appointments at the clinic. I had an appointment with the Nurse Educator on Tuesday, then a Dietitian on Wednesday, and now today, Friday, is our first appointment with our “old” doctor.

The appointment with the Dietitian was interesting. Women who are pregnant with multiples are suggested to have this appointment. We went over my current food intake, what foods are great to eat while pregnant to nourish the baby, what NOT to eat, and generally how many more calories I should be consuming each day. I was excited to see that my current food intake is right on to what I should be having. Guess I eat healthier than I think!

Since our last time at the Owatonna clinic, it has since moved into a brand new building. We were thankful that we didn’t have to go to the same “old” place where we sat so many times wondering if we’d ever be pregnant. Just the site of the old clinic/hospital causes my heart rate to increase. Every appointment had so much hope weighing on it and there was never any guarantee that things would work out. So, it was an amazing feeling to be walking into this new clinic for the first time knowing that we were for sure pregnant. It’s great to start fresh in a place that doesn’t hold so much baggage for us. Brand new feelings for a brand new place….it’s a fresh new start that we have prayed for, for many years.

Seeing our “old” doctor and nurse was such a joyous moment. They were so excited and happy for us. It felt so wonderful to be back with them, as we think the best of them. They are fantastic! We're thankful to be with them as they are sensitive to our journey this far to have this pregnancy.

It was music to our ears when our doctor told us that we will be having an ultrasound every month due to the fact that we’re having twins. Photos of our babies every month…awesome! Sounds fabulous to me!

During this ultrasound, I kept saying, "they're sooo cute" over and over. But it was true - they are so cute!! Baby A and Baby B are measuring right on schedule, although Baby B is a few days bigger than Baby A. Both heartbeats are great in the 140’s and 150’s. We had a special surprise as Baby A waved at us! We were in awe! We’re thinking Baby B is a boy and Baby A is a girl. (Baby A waved at us, so she's a sweetheart and Baby B is bigger so he's the boy!)

This is just all too amazing. What a miracle. We’re just beaming! These are our babies!

Beautiful Baby A

This is referred to the "teddy bear" photo, as at this stage they look like little teddy bears. See Baby B on in the left placenta. Big head, little stump arms and legs. So adorable!

INFERTILITY REALLY CHANGES YOU

Infertility really changes you. It makes you insecure, takes away innocence and adds a lot of fear. There is no way to change that reality, but I try to be aware of it so that I can calm myself whenever that fear and worry builds up about the health of this pregnancy. After all, I have no control....I never have, but being so 'technically' involved with the whole IVF process somehow makes one think that they do.

I think there is always going to be some fear and worry, no matter how you conceive. For those of us who have spent a long time trying to conceive, we are often terrified of losing a baby the moment we are told we're pregnant, because it’s something we thought we might never experience. I would imagine for those who have had a miscarriage, they feel a similar horrible fear. For many people, getting to full term and going through labor and delivery will be the biggest gift ever, no matter how much pain we'll all have to endure. I would imagine that there is no physical pain of childbirth that can trump the emotional hurt of being infertile.

I know I was born to be a mother. I am 100% confident in that! Therefore, I’m trying to apply that confidence to believe that this pregnancy will continue to move along with health and success. For so long I was afraid and tired of disappointment after disappointment, I started thinking that was how it may always be. And then to hear of other friends and acquaintances miscarriages just bring the worry out even more. Needless to say, it’s been a challenge to find that innocence I once had before. I need to believe and trust that at some point, that disappointment will be gone. I need to let the negative thoughts and feelings disappear and let myself trust in the good that is happening right now.

I keep telling myself that there is no need to worry. Worrying is not going to change or help anything. I’m trying to trust in God’s plan knowing that what happens is for the best. So, why worry along the way? I’m just going to try to sit back and enjoy the ride. Whatever will be - will be!(Ha - Easier said than done!!!) But I do think I will slowly get to that point where I can find my faith over fear. The monthly ultrasounds (photos of our babies) and listening to their heartbeats will definitely give me peace.

I pray our dear babies grow strong and healthy. And I promise not to get upset when they're fighting with each other, screaming, and stealing each others toys in a few years. :) (HA HA HA!!)

“Before you were born, I knew you…every day of your life was written in my book.” Psalm 139

EATING FOR 3

Eating for three just seems so funny. Everytime I think about it, I just giggle. But it isn’t as glamorous as you may think, especially during this first trimester. It’s hard to consume more calories when you’re having trouble enough getting much of anything down. My stomach feels so empty and I’m weak and know I need to eat, but once I start eating, it’s as if my stomach just closes and won’t let any more in. It’s the weirdest feeling. You want to eat, but your stomach won’t let you. That is just cruel. This is proving to be difficult since I adore food so much and eating has always been one of my most favorite hobbies! I miss my food…

But, I imagine it will be much more fun during the second trimester when my appetite is a little more normal. We’ll see how this weight gain goes. For a single baby pregnancy, the average weight gain is 25-35 pounds. With twins, the average weight gain suggested is 35-45 pounds. Um…wow…this will be interesting.

At our first appointment here in Owatonna, the doctor told us some lovely news. At 28 weeks, my uterus (with twins) will be the same size as a pregnant woman full term at 40 weeks with a single baby. Oh wow…can that really be!?! I have a feeling the late summer may be interesting with me wobbling around.

But don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining. I’m taking this all in and enjoying every second. I’ve waited a long time to have these “yuck” feelings of a pregnancy. I’ll go through anything for these little babes.

JOINING THE “PREGNANCY CLUB” BUT FEELING LIKE A TRAITOR

I’ve often wondered how I would feel joining the “pregnancy club” in response to leaving the “infertility world.” For so long I would roll my eyes at the easily impregnated fertile women out there. And I even admit to being saddened to the infertiles that became pregnant and left me in the dust. Please don’t think I’m a bad person, because although I wish I had never had those feelings, I know I couldn’t have stopped them. I understand that it is a “normal” feeling.

Even though I’m always joyous to hear of a pregnancy because I believe all babies are miracles, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that was saddened at another’s happy news. You can be honestly happy for other people, and at the same time, feel jealous or sad. And what makes the envy even worse is the guilt and shame we feel about ourselves for having these emotions. It makes you feel like a horrible person on top of all the pain that already exists from the infertility. I don’t think these feelings make you a hypocrite or a bad person, it just makes you human. And everyone has experienced and can relate to that in some way.

Now that I’ve crossed over from being “infertile” to “pregnant,” I feel a sense of being a traitor. I'm struggling with many mixed emotions. It’s a bazaar thing and I know it will be hard for others to understand unless they’ve been through it themselves. Part of me feels like now I am one of those resented pregnant people among the infertility community of friends I have that once made me feel so supported and not alone. I know how I felt when friends of mine joined the pregnant club and left me behind to wallow in my self-pity of infertile-ness. It sucked. And the last thing I want to do is hurt other people going through infertility issues. Because I know exactly how it feels. Been there – done that.

I feel so blessed to be in the “pregnant club,” but I am definitely aware of how my good news may affect others who are still waiting to get their positive results. I pray that those people will find renewed hope, strength, and faith in my infertility story.

So, yes, I’ve joined the “pregnant club” and am a proud member. But I’ll always be a part of the “infertility club” too. And I’ll forever be a proud member of that as well. Infertility has crushed me, tested me, and broken my heart. But it has also uplifted, empowered, and changed me for the better. And I’ll never leave it behind…