EMPTY WOMB by Lisa Trzepacz

"Empty Womb" by Lisa Trzepacz

Only You, sweet Lord, have known my despair
Of the weight on the heart lying there
This ache so great, tears cannot ease
The cries, the hopes, the dreams, the pleas

You know the pain of the empty womb
The place no babe has ever called home
No miracle of life growing from within
Perhaps one day, O Lord, but when?

And when I think I can take no more
My heart in pieces on the floor
You gently take me by the hand
And say so softly, I do understand

You whisper I love you, you are My own
Come to Me for peace you have not known
I am the Way, the Truth, the Life
I promise to make your burden light

Let Me rock you gently in My arms
Let me hold you tight, keep you from harm
Oh, come to me, your cries I have heard!
I will give you refuge, I pledge my Word

Leave it with Me, I'll do the rest
For only I know how to give the best
For you see, you've heard a special callin'
Don't think for a moment, it's because you've fallen

You know you are My very own
And in you, a special seed has been sown
This seed is different and it must know
Tears of brokenness and pain to help it grow

The rain and the sun alone on this earth
Do not give this seed its unique worth
Only the Gardener's perfect plan
Can make fruit from a seed for a barren land

A land that is in dire need
Of just one little unique seed
A seed that will sprout and spread His love
A bountiful harvest to gather above

Yes, Lord, I see my vision is narrow
How quickly forgotten, your eye on the sparrow
The lilies clothed of the field
Cover me O, Lord, my will I do yield

Enough of this battle, the parties of pity
There's work to be done, in every city
This work You've started has just begun
'Cause the hardest battle has just been won!

Yes, O Lord, hold tight to my hand
Please guide me, lead me, help me understand
I'll trust in You and Your intricate plan
With You I can make it. Oh yes! I can!

I thank You Lord for my unique seed
To be loved by You, is enough indeed!
You've taught me a lesson I needed to face
That it is only You that can fill this space

You've given me the chances to become
A little help to any and everyone
Such a filling of love that my cup runneth over
And to be seen as a friend in the eyes of another

Let me give rest to the harried mother
For me it's a joy, never a bother
Many are those you've brought to me
To hold in my arms so tenderly

There are times by arms cannot hold
All the children you've brought me from your fold
Little ones here, little ones there
O Lord, you've shown me how much You do care!

We belong to You and not each other
And in Your eyes, we can all be a mother
A mother who loves and listens and cares
And in those three things, we all surely share

Thank you Lord for giving to me
This peace, this oasis, this tranquility
Truly in the midst of a storm
You've held me tight and kept me from harm

Now my soul does sweetly sing
Praise the Highest! Praise to the King!
O mighty and glorious is His name!
I truly will never be the same.

TAKING A BREAK

It’s so difficult to know when enough is enough. It’s hard to know when to take the next step. Or even to know what that next step actually is. It’s a personal decision and only you and your spouse can figure out. Because only you truly knows how you feel. Infertility testing and treatments are a long, intensive, and expensive process. It’s bound to produce anxiety and frustration!

For me, it was difficult to want to take a break because of time running out. Time is running out with my COBRA health insurance. And in general, my biological clock is ticking! Time is literally running out. So why should I even consider slowing down a taking a break? But then it seemed where it came to the point where I’d had it. Your mind and body scream, “STOP!” You’re dreading going in for another appointment and you just want to stop going to the doctor for a while. After all, you’ve also forgotten what spontaneous sex is and would love to experience it again!

Taking a month or two break here and there can be a wonderful thing. Don’t be afraid to take a break from those medical treatments. Rejuvenate and focus on yourself for a while. Focus on the great things about you…instead of focusing everything that’s “wrong” and why you can’t make a baby. Have fun! Do something unexpected and exciting!

Or if a couple has decided to stop treatments…
Here is a short article by Vita Alligood (found on www.resolve.org).

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments by Vita Alligood

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

NO CONTROL…So, “Onward & Upward”

There’s not much I can do about infertility. Sure I can go through the testing, medications, and treatments, but ultimately I don’t have ultimate control. It seems unfair to me that the one thing I’ve wanted more than anything else in my life, I can’t have. I just want to be a mother. But I don’t have much control over that outcome.

A “typical” couple that participates in an infertility program are in their late 20’s to mid 30’s, with professional careers. Typically they’ve experienced that if they work hard, they will achieve their goals. With infertility however, no matter how hard a couple works at conceiving or how carefully they follow a doctor’s instructions, there’s limited control over the outcome. It’s this loss of control that is so difficult for many.

Now remember I’ve mentioned that I’m a planner. I like organization and control. I may have a slight case of OCD. (Don’t we all?) I like packing, cleaning, organizing, and sorting. I like to be prepared. But nothing would ever prepare me for infertility. I’ve explored these aspects of me, learned to set some boundaries, and realized a little more of how to let go. I know I can’t be in control of this aspect of my life, but I can stay positive and keep moving forward.

Throughout all this “uncontrol,” I’ve found some peace. I’m trying to “let go and let God.” I’ve accepted I’m not in control of when we’ll make a baby but I am in control of keeping the faith and looking toward the future. My dad always says, “Onward and Upward.” I’ve used this quote in many aspects of my life. I know this infertility journey is just a step along the way. And ultimately my goal is to keep moving on…and to keep moving up…toward heaven, where someday I will be. We often forget that this life on earth is temporary. And therefore our pain will be temporary.

Never forget…Onward and Upward….

I’M TIRED…

I’m tired of being angry. I’m tried of going to the doctor. I’m tired of insensitive remarks. I’m tired of preparing for the unknown. I’m tired of hearing someone’s announcement of an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy. I’m tired of vaginal ultrasounds and blood tests. I’m tired of the disappointments. I’m tried of someone complaining about how they’re pregnant again. I’m tired of pills and shots. I’m tired of hearing pregnant women complain about how fat they are. I’m tired of feeling left out. I’m tired of asking “why”. I’m tired of probabilities and percentages. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t fit it. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hearing people say abortions are okay. I’m tired of people wanting me to volunteer so much because I supposedly have all the time in the world since I don’t have kids to take care of. I’m tired of options and precautions. And as horrible as it sounds, I’m tired of everyone else’s good news.

I don’t know if it’s going to get any easier. But I think the way I choose to cope with it will get easier. We all have our own crosses to bear. Infertility may very well be my biggest cross to bear that I’ll ever come across on this earth. And even though I know I’m tired…I know I’ll get through this.

THE BLAME GAME

I’ve read of tendencies for couples to focus on “who’s to blame.” One can feel disappointment over the other’s “problem” as to why they can’t conceive. And the other feels guilt for the same. One is thankful they’re not the issue, while the other becomes disheartened because he/she is.

This just breaks my heart. There should be no blame in infertility in a marriage because infertility is a couple’s problem together. It’s one of the few known medical conditions that involves two people. It’s just not one or the other, it’s them together. And a husband and wife are in this together, no matter what, because by marriage two have become one.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:7-9

Husbands and wives are “one” in sharing their hopes, dreams, and joys, as well as the burdens, sad times, and challenges. I know Nick hides his hurt to protect me. And I wish I didn’t make him feel that he needed to do that. I know he hurts because he wants to take the pain away. I’m afraid he feels responsible for this and guilty because I’m the one who has had to suffer most because of it.

I can honestly and thankfully say that I have never blamed Nick during any of this. Although, at times I have felt hurt that he doesn’t have to physically and hormonally go through this as I have. It just doesn’t seem fair. Why am I the only one who has to suffer? I just wish he could feel a little of the pain so he knew what I was going through. But I guess that’s just me being selfish. And I have to remind myself that why else did God give women the responsibility of carrying a child and giving birth? Because we’re strong and men just wouldn’t be able to handle it. (Kidding!!)

But then I think about how I would do anything to make our family. I’ll sacrifice whatever it takes. I’ll go through any pain. I’ll survive this. And we will someday be a mommy and daddy.

No, don’t say it, “THE TWO-WEEK-WAIT!”

Now comes the dreaded “two-week-wait.” Each month after ovulation, the wait to find out if you’re pregnant can be extremely nerve-racking. Every little thing seems to become a distinct sign as to if you’re pregnant or not pregnant. “I’m not having any nausea, so I’m not pregnant” or “My breasts are really sore, I must be pregnant!” You begin to analyze every little thing and think it has some connection to pregnancy.

One of the hardest things about all the fertility drugs is that oftentimes the symptoms and side effects mimic those of a pregnancy. Talk about a horrible trick. It’s as if your body’s telling you, “You are totally pregnant – you’ve got the symptoms and you totally feel like it.” I notice my breasts are super sore. Yippee! (At least I think they are!) I have to pee again and didn’t I just go to the bathroom 5 minutes ago? Yes! (Or is it just because I drank a lot of water today?) I’m craving ice cream again. (Oh wait, that’s just my normal craving anytime of any day all year long!)

Surviving this is tough. You try not to think about it, but yet you can’t get it out of your head and everything seems to remind you of it. It also doesn’t help that you have to literally “pretend” you’re pregnant, just in case you really are because you don’t want to harm your “maybe baby” in any way. No alcohol, no hot baths, no cold meat, etc. And unfortunately, it takes that 2 whole weeks to find out. In today’s world, where we’re used to having everything right away, with information so readily available, it seems odd that we have to wait so long to find out something that’s so important.

Each time a period is a couple days late, your hope rises. Only to fall again. That negative test is a reminder of all those feelings of emptiness, sadness, and grief over the void created by infertility. Then that horrible day comes and you get your period. Then you hope it’s just implantation spotting that may occur in pregnancies. You get your hopes up and then you are devastated when it really is your period. Your body says to you, “Ha ha, sucker – fooled ya again - you’re NOT pregnant!!” But I guess if I look on the bright side – I’m so in tune with my body! I totally notice if anything ever changes!

Well, I did survive yet another 2-week-wait. Guess I’ll look forward to this all over again next month…

MY ACUPUNCTURE ADVENTURE

I want to start off by saying that I am in no way badmouthing acupuncture at all. I do believe it can be an effective medical treatment. I just happened to have an interesting experience with a chiropractor who unfortunately didn’t seem to have much experience with acupuncture for fertility. So, this is my story…

I was desperate to try about anything to aid along our chances of becoming pregnant. I had read a lot about acupuncture helping in infertility and had a few friends who swore that was the only reason they became pregnant. So, I called around the area trying to figure out where would be the best place to go. A few places said they had some experience with it. So, I decided to go with the cheapest option (probably not my smartest move).

Of course I had no idea of what to expect. At the appointment, the chiropractor, seemed very spacey and talked aloud trying to figure out where she should insert the needles. I was on edge! She said things like, “Okay…um…I’ll put this one here. And…um…well….let’s see…maybe another here.” I thought to myself, “What the heck did I get myself into!? I’m wasting good money on this treatment with someone who doesn’t even know what they're doing!” After it was over, she came back into the room and started removing the needles. She talked to me about my next appointment and I was confused as to why she didn’t remove all the needles. Well, turns out it was because she didn’t remember how many and/or where she had put them. I had to tell her to remove the remaining two. I just couldn’t believe it. I ran out of there so fast and never looked back!

Looking back now, I’m thankful I didn’t continue on with the acupuncture treatment, as I don’t think it would have helped us in our infertility journey. I continued to read more on the subject, and it seems that it is more successful and helpful in women who have ovulating issues as it helps regulate things more along that line. And since I didn’t have any problems in that area, I don’t think it would have benefited me in our situation.

That was my acupuncture adventure. It was short but it was eventful!!

LET GO AND LET GOD

Infertility is full of unknowns and unanswered questions. You find yourself trying things and doing things you never thought you would, in order to try to get things you may not ever even known possible. There are no guarantees. There are no heavenly notes from God that fall down from the sky with His answers telling you exactly what the future holds. (I’ve always wished it were that easy!)

I’m trusting that there’s something else better in store for me. That God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself. Here’s a quick story to prove it: In college, I suffered through a very hard breakup. At the time I thought I loved this man more than I would ever love anyone and that I would marry him. But now, looking back, I thank God for that breakup. God lead me to Nick, who was my true soul mate. But at the time, I was so heartbroken, thinking I might never get over it. Today, thinking of that ex-boyfriend barely even takes a tug on my heart. Lesson learned – trust that God has bigger and better plans for you than you have for yourself.

We never know where our lives will take us and what experiences lay before us. All we can do is live one day at a time, giving thanks, trusting in His plan, and appreciating every moment. Sometimes we just need to, “let go and let God.” I still don’t know what the future holds, but I’m confident in the One I know who holds the future. I know I’ll get through this. I know someday it will be easier. And I know someday I’ll be a mother.

PRAY. PRAY. PRAY!

I’ve prayed a lot. But I know I haven’t prayed enough. I want to spend more time talking to God! And praying is simply that - talking to God. There aren’t any right or wrong words. All God requires is a simple faith and a sincere heart. Be honest. Pour your heart out. He understands, he listens, and he cares. Don’t be afraid to ask God for exactly what you want. But remember to pray that His will be done, not yours.

God answers every prayer with one of three answers:
Yes
No
Wait

I saw this poem in a book and loved it!! It explains God’s answers to prayers in a wonderful way.

When the answer is “Yes,”
Watch for a blessing coming today.
When the answer is “No,”
Trust him for a better way.
When the answer if “Wait,”
Be patient and continue to pray.

On a “Prayer Card” at my church it explains how to remember what to pray for. When praying, remember “ACTS.”

A is for adoration. (Praise God for all the awesome things He does, His creation, His love)
C is for confession. (Confess your sins. The ones you readily know and the ones you’re not aware of. And also the times you fail to do what is right.)
T is for thanksgiving. (Thank God for His blessings to you!)
S is for supplication. (Ask, request, and plead to God for those things you need or desire; physical, emotional, or spiritual.)

Pray in Jesus’ name and that thy will be done. Remember that God’s answers to our prayers may not be answered exactly when or how we want. He does things in His way and in His time. But we can be assured that He is always listening and always hears us.

“KID FRIENDLY”

Nick and I are undoubtedly “kid” lovers and very kid friendly. We adore children! I think I’m a super fun auntie… full of energy, fun craft projects, and of course teaching them a few things their parents don’t always appreciate. HA! (They assure me that payback will be a bitch!) In fact – I’m pretty much a kid myself – I am one of those who conveniently “forgot” to grow up. I have education, training, and lots of experience with children. In fact, many people have told me I can comfort and discipline their children better than they can themselves.

Our nieces, Ava and Cora, are our joy. They live just 2 blocks away from us and what a blessing that is. I honestly believe I wouldn’t have been able to get through this experience without having them in my life. I can’t count how many times I stopped by just to see them quickly or receive those precious “huggies and kissies”. They gave me hope and I’ve always smiled at them just how I hope to smile at my own children someday. We’re so thankful that their mommy and daddy have “loaned” them to us so many times and included us in family activities that we would have otherwise felt we had missed out on.

And Nick’s the uncle who will do anything to make them laugh. (Even purposely falling down the stairs, which he often does upon demand.) He’s extremely patient and will sit and read the same book over and over with the girls. He’s so caring and loving and you can see it just in the way he looks at them. He’s going to be a wonderful daddy someday.

So, we know we’re “kid friendly” and we’re ready for this ride of a lifetime as parents. We’re just wondering when that time will finally come. Until then, we’ll stay kid friendly and practice on Ava and Cora!

After all, we’re just “big kids” ourselves. “Big kids” that grew up and realized it was their time to have “little kids.”

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Needless to say, it’s a day-to-day struggle. There are good days and bad days. I’d like to tell you that after all these years, I’m over it and it doesn’t affect my daily life. But that's not true at all. I do always remember that those “bad” days will pass. I try to take it one day at a time. My dad always told me “It may get worse before it gets better, but it will eventually get better.” And I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t think I was so strong. Because most of the time, I feel anything but strong. But maybe, just maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit!?!

TODAY IT’S A JOURNEY!

Yesterday it was a struggle, but today it’s a journey! I am happy and motivated. I have so much energy and feel that no matter what happens, it will be fine. Someday we will be parents and it will be worth the wait. God has a plan! We can handle anything together. We look forward to the future no matter what is going to happen.

I go to sleep praying that tomorrow will a day just like today. Please let tomorrow be a journey and not a struggle!

TODAY IT’S A STRUGGLE

This struggle, this journey…call it whatever you will. But today, for me … it’s a struggle. It’s a struggle to want to accomplish anything. But I do. I don’t feel like getting out of bed, maybe I’ll just sleep through the morning. I may feel weak, but I know somewhere inside of me I’m strong. Today I’m sad and unmotivated. I wonder if I should just stop trying.

I feel like I’m not deserving enough to be a mother anyway. Why do I feel this way? And more importantly, why can’t I make that feeling stop? Today I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t really want a baby anyway. Maybe I’m not going to be a good mom. Perhaps we should just stop trying altogether. Today’s my pity party.