INFERTILITY: THE THIRD YEAR: - Hope or Denial?

October 2008 through October 2009

Our third year started with renewed hope…or maybe it was just denial. We started doctoring at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I thought, if the “world famous Mayo Clinic” as they call it, couldn’t get us pregnant, than who could? We might as well give it all we’ve got. We went through more testing there with a more specific sperm analysis called “morphology.” The morphology came back with interesting results. Nick’s sperm count wasn’t necessarily “low,” but other issues were recognized with the motility. They look closer at "perfect" sperm. All of that was really confusing to me, but from what I understood, we were at around the 3%, where the chance of conceiving on our own was very slim.

I endured tests and more tests. We wondered if there would be an end in sight. We did 2 more IUI’s with no success. This year was difficult with fitting in treatments. Time just didn’t always work out for us. We’d be out of town during ovulation, peak times, etc. So, we’d be forced to take another month off. We voluntarily took some shorter breaks in-between treatments to regroup and rejuvenate.

At then end of the third year, when we started the process for in-vitro, I felt bewildered that we had really been on this journey for this long. I never imagined it would get to this point. I naively thought we’d be one of those couples who would start going to the doctor and naturally get pregnant by ourselves during the in-between times of non-treatments. I don’t know why I even thought that would even happen to us since I actually only personally know one person that has happened to!

So, now it’s been over 3 years since we started this infertility journey. Wow! We’ve done all we can medically available up to this point. Now on to the next step..in-vitro! Since it had been 1 year since Nick's last sperm analysis, they requested another. Apparently it was also a newer, updated "test." It can study more into the specific appearance of the DNA and how it binds to protein. (Blah, blah, all of this stuff I don't understand at all!) This time the results were different! The sperm seemed to have "improved." In fact, they told us that we may not have to go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, as we had discussed, but just to go ahead with the IVF. But after some more thought, our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggested that we still go ahead with the IVF-ICSI, just to maximize for best results! (The techniques for IVF and IVF-ICSI will be explained in a future post!)

We are optimistic that IVF should be successful for us! If we haven’t been able to get pregnant due to the sperm not being able to get into the egg, then this should work! Mayo stats show that it’s about a 50% chance we’ll become pregnant. And if we are pregnant, then it’s around a 20% chance it will be twins.

HOPE FOR TOMORROW

I don’t know how long our infertility journey will be. I don’t know the direct path that will take us there, but I know someday we’ll arrive. And God will guide us there, never leaving our side.

We’ve learned we’re more certain of God’s love, more grateful for very blessing, and more full of trust for His plan for our family. Throughout this whole experience, we’ve experienced questions, loneliness, doubts, and hurt. But more importantly, we’ve experienced answers, support, strength, and hope.

Remember that you are loved. You are blessed. Keep the hope as it is a foundation. And keep the faith as it draws strength. I pray you always hold hope close in your heart. And remember that while your arms may be empty today, there is always hope for tomorrow.

IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW

IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW
Poem © Jane Eggleston

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!

I WANT TO BE A MOMMY

Call me a maniac. That’s fine. I used to think I was too. But, after over 3 years of infertility, I now know I’m not a maniac. I’m just a woman who on a quest to become a mommy. I’m simply in pursuit of motherhood and there’s nothing crazy about that…

I think when you decide to have a baby, in a way, you’ve already become a mother. Your heart is open and ready to give all the physical and emotional love you possess to that precious little infant that you dream of someday holding in your arms. (Some of us just have to wait a little while longer than the typical 9 months.) And if you have infertility, you may go through years of doing anything and everything it takes to achieve that goal. If only just to be given the chance! You’ll already do anything for that baby that isn’t even “real”…it’s simply the baby that exists only in your heart. That’s true love…

UNANSWERED PRAYERS

Even through our “unanswered prayers,” we ultimately know our prayers have been answered the entire time. God has blessed us and lead us in other paths we had never imagined. Here are just a few examples…

Many blessings have come our way through our infertility. If we would have gotten pregnant right away, I wouldn’t have left my job at the preschool until I had the baby. Therefore, I wouldn’t have ever started my own website selling crafts that I make. (Check it out at www.vincellidesigns.com) But, I’m at home, able to do my hobbies that I love for a little profit. A blessing in disguise! (Although it is 12 months later from leaving my job and I continue to be at home, but there’s still no “mom” about it!)

Another wonderful blessing has been our faith. Nick and I have grown as individuals and together in our marriage and in our relationship with God. We’ve been tested and we’re making it through. We’ve become very active in our church and know it is a strong foundation for our lives and our future children’s lives. Ultimately, we know this journey will make our marriage stronger and someday, our lives and abilities as parents!

I’m thankful that I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time at home doing whatever it is I feel like doing! I’m very grateful for this opportunity, as I know it’s not common in this day and age. I’ve spent more time with family and especially my precious nieces. And without a full time job, I have been able to volunteer and give a lot of my time to various organizations in the community and many at church. If I would have had children when we first began trying, I probably would not have gotten involved in these groups and missed out on meeting wonderful people. But I’ve gained these friendships and have given of my time and talents. It’s something I’m very enthusiastic about now, and want to keep giving, even after children arrive for us!

And ultimately, from our infertility journey, I know that I want to tell our story to help others along theirs. I know not everyone can identify directly, but I hope in some way or another, it will touch, if even just a few people…someway, somehow.

So, thank you, God, for our unanswered prayers. Even though they were always truly answered...

AWKWARD EXPERIENCES = HURT FEELINGS

I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward experiences involving people who didn’t know of my infertility. I’m not blaming them at all – how were they to know I was an overly sensitive woman on a long time quest to become a mother?

The following are a few of those lovely times, I’m sure I won’t soon forget.

At a family reunion in July of 2009 – wait, pause this story. I must tell you that family reunions are big in my family as my mother is a very active and dedicated genealogist for our family history. Family reunions have changed since my infertility. Before it was a fun time to get together with those familiar and/or long lost relatives and share in fun times together. You made new memories while reliving the old and those of past generations before you – ultimately, the reason you are here today. Only now, for me, reunions seem to be a reminder of how I may never have children and therefore, there may never be any family reunions of my descendants.

Okay, back to my story. At a family reunion in July of 2009, an extended family relative in his 70’s asked me, “Do you have any children?” After I answered no, he said, “Well….what are you waiting for?” (I thought he asked it in a snotty sort of tone, but maybe it was my wild imagination playing tricks on me again.) I was caught off guard, but amazingly answered back sanely. I replied saying, “We’ve been trying for a few years.” Another woman understood immediately and chimed in with, “It took us a long time to get pregnant too.” We all briefly chatted about it and I don’t remember the exact details. But after chatting, I was proud I handled it so well. If he would have asked me this the year before, I probably would have ran off crying hysterically. Maybe I am getting over “this.” Whatever that really means!

Another happened during my time at the preschool/daycare. One of my favorite kids there (Wait, did I just admit to favorites? Sorry, but it’s true!) looked up at me and asked, “When is your baby coming out?” I was in shock. This didn’t really sting deep. More than anything I was afraid that this little preschooler was basically saying I was fat. Come to find out they were talking about being pregnant in class and she must have decided to ask everyone she came across that question. Looking back now, this story is pretty funny. Kids sure say the darndest things!

Another experience was at a craft fair in the fall of 2009, my sister was chatting with an acquaintance at a booth where this individual sells natural products such as lotions, shampoos, etc. for babies/children. She was planning on giving me her spiel. She started by asking me if I had any children. I responded, “no.” She then asked me if I was married.” I said, “yes.” Next she questioned how long we had been married. I replied, “5 years.” (I already knew where this was probably headed.) She looked sort of confused or shocked and proceeded to ask me, “Well….do you WANT kids?” I think I quietly said, “yes” but I don’t remember anything else or how I got out of the rest of the conversation. It would probably be a normal question for a normal situation. But for me, it hurt. It really hurt.

At my grandfather’s funeral, a family member, whom I’ve only seen once in the last 15 years, asked me why we didn’t have any kids. A simple question that deserves a simple answer. But it was something that stung really deep. I thought to myself, “You don’t have enough time in the world to sit here and listen to my honest answer to that question.”

During another experience, I had a friend who I had just told about our infertility. This friend was recently pregnant from their first month of ever trying. (Must be nice!) After I was complaining about the scheduled sex, she said, “I know exactly how you feel. It was just exhausting having so much sex that month. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” (Really? Wow…that one month of frequent sex must have really been rough. Talk about a hamper in your life. Now try that for 39 months straight and then tell me how you were exhausted.)

During our infertility, one of my closest friends, who wasn’t married and wasn’t trying, had a baby. I’ll never forget the day went met for supper in a restaurant and she told me she was pregnant. The feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach was something I had never experienced at that point. It almost felt like a betrayal of some sort. I felt like I was going to throw up inside. I sobbed and sobbed on the drive home. Not because I wasn’t happy for her…but because I was so desperately sad for me.

At one of my appointments at Mayo, a nurse said to me, “So, you have a son, Luke, at home?” I’m not sure why she thought this or where that came from at all. I said, “nope, no children.” It didn’t hurt me too much at the time, because I was focused on what was happening during my appointment. But after, it made me tremendously sad. Thinking back, I thought I could have said something like, “Nope. No children at home. But you can please pull the knife out my from bleeding heart.”

On multiple occasions, I’d be out and about with my two nieces. Of course various people around town assume they’re my children. It’s natural. You see a woman with 2 kids, they most likely are hers! They’d say something to the girls like, “Oh, are you having a special day with mommy?” We’d just laugh. But it did hurt. Although I didn’t take too much offense because I’d take those adorable girls as my own any day…

GIVING THANKS

I know I have many blessings in my life and I’m truly grateful for each one. Even in our story of infertility, there are parts that could be much worse and we are thankful for these amazing gifts…

I am thankful for…
- a large support system of loving family and friends (sadly not everyone has this)
- the financial means to be able do undergo treatments (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being able to leave my job to focus on trying to start on family by “de-stressing” (this isn’t even an option for some because of financial struggles)
- being within driving distance of MAYO, a renowned clinic (some may have to drive hours and hours, and therefore not be able to seek medical help)
- resources of online sites, blogs, newsletters, and books (because without them, I’d feel like I was the only one going through this)
- living in a time with technology and treatment available for infertility (if it were 30 years ago, I don’t know what options would be available)

I’M PLANNING TO STOP PLANNING

I’m an organizer. I’m a planner. I’m a list maker. I love to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and why it’s going to happen. In fact, Who? What? Why? Where? When? are some of my favorite questions!

I think being a “planner” has made this infertility process all the more psychotic for me. Yes, I like surprises – but only every once in a while. And definitely not surprises that are about my future. If I could just know for sure that’d I’d get pregnant sometime in my future, even if it’s 10 years down the road – awesome, bring it on. As long as I knew it was going to happen someday, I could be content. Even if I couldn’t “plan” that, at least I knew the outcome and could “plan” up until that time.

I like to keep things under control, I like calmness, and keeping away from anything hectic. I’m slowly realizing that instead of planning for the future, I just need to step back and let it fall into place. I’m making it a point to focus on the present and appreciate the blessings right in front of me – right now.

But ultimately, to really make this confusing and contradicting, even though I am planning to stop planning so much (because I know I still need and am going to plan…but only for certain things) - I still will plan for infertility. You have to plan ahead and make that next appointment “just in case,” because if you don’t – you’ll miss out on another month of trying. So all the while during that two-week-wait, you have to be hopeful that you are pregnant, but you still have to plan ahead and make appointments “just in case.” (Turns out that “just in case” happened all too often for us.)

So, I’m planning on reducing my need to plan. I imagine this will be harder than I think. I’m going to stop being so selfish and start trusting in God’s plan rather than my plan for myself.

MIRACLES FROM GOD

I hope everyone knows how much of a phenomenon becoming pregnant is. It’s truly nothing sort of an absolute miracle. And I don’t just think this because I can’t get pregnant. It doesn’t even have to do with me. I’m just amazed when I think of how a baby grows. It just perplexes me. God is so amazing!

Did you know that a fertile woman only has a 20% chance of becoming pregnant every month? If she has sex at the exact perfect time during ovulation and everything else is perfect, there’s still only a 20% chance of becoming pregnant. 20%!!!

Babies are a precious gift from God. If you have a child, I pray you never take him/her for granted. Never let a day pass without them hearing, “I love you” and more importantly always let them feel that love by your actions!

I have a friend from college who suffered the loss of her baby girl, named Hope, the day she was born. My friend wrote an honest and heartwarming blog that really touched my heart. One thing she wrote said, “It’s my shot at hope that maybe God is really working miracles up there. What that miracle is, I can’t say for sure, but God knows, and that’s what matters.”

That sentence has really given me a lot of comfort in my journey. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I am reassured in knowing that God knows.

So in the meantime, I keep waiting for my miracle…

“GET A PET AND YOU’LL GET PREGNANT.”

I can’t even count how many times someone told us to get a dog. Seriously!??! Well, if that’s the only way we’ll get pregnant – then I guess we’re never meant to have a child! Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – I just don’t want one living in my house.

We’re not into superstitions, but nonetheless, we decided to go with the hype by trying it out and get a pet. What could it hurt, right? So, we bought a beautiful crowntailed beta fish that was looking so sad in it’s little plastic jar at the end of the aisle at Walmart. What a joy our little fishy was!

We got out the baby name book I bought at a garage sale for a quarter and searched and searched. We settled on a perfect name and it was 100% Italian, of course. Vincenzo Vitale Vincelli! Vincenzo means “conquering” and Vitale means “life.” It was our sign of how we’d “conquer life” and soon become pregnant with a little human of our own.

But years passed, with no pregnancy, and our dear sweet Vincenzo died in the fall of 2009. We gave him a nice burial “toss” out into the empty lot next to our home! Go ahead and throw out that theory. We learned that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed if you get a pet. (As if we really didn’t know that already.) If only it were that easy!

DON’T PUSH ADOPTION (YET)

Here’s a great article I came across on www.resolve.org. It’s by Vita Alligood and has some great information about talking infertility and adoption.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
By Vita Alligood

Don’t push adoption. Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child, and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

ONE OF MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS, MY PILLOW.

I’ll let you in on an interesting fact about me. And for those of you who know me best, you already know that I absolutely adore my pillow. I take it with me everywhere overnight, except on flights. And I really don’t like it when other people try to use it or yet alone, even touch it. It’s weird, I know…but it’s true. I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but I definitely cherish it above most of my other physical possessions. It’s just the ideal pillow for me; perfect size, smooshieness, smell, temperature, and softness.

I had my ‘old’ perfect pillow for many years. I think I most likely had it since high school, so by the time I retired it in 2008, I had it for over 10 years. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s totally gross.” And it probably was, but I loved that thing. I didn’t care if people said it was full of bed bugs and germs. But one day in a silly rage of “infertility psychoticness,” I imagined that could be the cause of our infertility! So away it went. I found a new pillow to try out and was in shock. I loved it even more than my ‘old’ perfect pillow! And being the intelligent woman I am, I thought ahead and bought another of the exact pillow so I can switch it out before the next 10 years pass again!!

If you know me, you know I love to sleep. You know I’m not chipper in the mornings and that I don’t enjoy being woken up on other people’s terms. (I know that you’re thinking, “And she wants to have a baby!”) So you can definitely say - I’m NOT a morning person! In high school, my older sister, Jesse, would practically have to drag me out of bed each morning. She’d yell at me, “If you don’t get up right now, I’m never waking you up again.” I guess it worked because eventually I did get up. (Thanks, Jesse, for your years of torment!)

Some people had their baby blankets they were attached too while young. I never went through a phase like that. I sort of imagine that maybe I’m going through that phase just a little later in life. And instead of a blanket or pacifier giving me comfort, it’s my pillow! If you think about it, you really do spend a lot of time with your pillow. I’ve cried a lot of tears on that thing during these years of infertility.

I know that many people have a hard time sleeping when they’re stressed. I’ve never experienced insomnia and I think that would be awful. But sleeping for me = not…a…problem…at…all! 9 out of 10 times, I’m asleep night as my head hits the pillow. My problem is the waking up part. I could sleep in everyday if I let myself. And during these infertility years, I force myself to get up even though it would be way easier to just sleep through it all. But I know someday it will get easier.

Oh, and just so you don’t think I’m absolutely crazy – my youngest sister, Corrie, has a similar relationship with her pillow. So, don’t think I’m crazy, I guess it’s just part of our genetics! HA!

THE STIRRUP-QUEEN

Being poked and prodded at is one thing. But being invaded in the most intimate part of your body is another. I’m tired of stirrups, I’m tried of clamps, I’m tired of vaginal ultrasounds, I’m tired of numerous doctors, nurses, and techs looking at me “down there”, and I’m tried of hearing, “scooch down and let your legs fall open.” I don’t even want to think about the number of people who have watched me spread my legs and taken a look. I just pray that someday I’ll be putting my feet in those stirrups while giving birth. Just call me the “Stirrup Queen” because that’s what I feel like! But I don’t want that title…I don’t want a crown…I just want to be “normal”…

“WORSE” THINGS COULD HAPPEN…

I’m not trying to diminish other people’s hardships. So, please don’t judge me. I’m not saying my pain is worse than yours. But please try to understand me. Do you appreciate my pain of wanting a family? Of wondering what’s so bad inside of me that God wouldn’t want a piece of me to go on? What did I do so horrible in my past that I deserve this? These are questions I often ask myself. Questions that make me question myself, my feelings, and my worthiness. I know God isn’t a punishing God, but why do I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this?

Whenever something is going bad is someone’s life – people say something like, “Just remember what’s most important in life – your family and children. As long as you’re together – that’s all you need.” Exactly!! So, imagine for a moment how one would feel when all you want is to start your own family – but you can’t make that happen. If the most important thing in life is “family,” then why can’t we make our own?

I know people can say that there are much “worse” things out there that could be happening to me. But really, who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Having cancer? Having depression?

I read an article about how different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing may be experiencing an injury before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife/mom for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman may be the “worst” thing. And to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

So, we all have difficult and heartbreaking things that happen in our lives. But never diminish another’s experience just because you haven’t gone through it or fully understand the emotional heartbreak. People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse. Both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same way, don’t tell someone that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Please don’t judge me – whether you’ve gone through this or not. We all have our crosses to bear. And as we know, they’re all different and unique. The exact same situation for two different people can be experienced in extremely different ways. And you never really know when someone is experiencing that “worst” thing that will happen in their lives as we never know where life will lead us. But we can support and try to understand along the way. Because yes – something “worse” could always happen…but who are we to judge what the “worse” really truly is?

Infertility may be my “worst” thing. Or maybe not. But for now it is…

INFERTILITY HUMOR

Here are a few infertility jokes I found online!!

Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was a wealthy, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.

One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .

RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist

After the first appointment at the Mayo Clinic, I realized that there is a big difference between a general obstetrician/gynecologist with a specialty in infertility and a RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist. A reproductive endocrinologist is a type of medical doctor who specializes in treating people with reproductive disorders. It’s their specialty – so it’s all they focus on. They are highly gifted, competently trained, compassionate, and devoted to providing the best treatment available. (Or at least they should be!)

I was relieved to be at a specialty clinic where infertility was all they dealt with, every day, all day. I wished I could have been here from the get-go, but you need to start with the “normal” clinic before you can be referred to the big guys. How nice to sit in a waiting room with other people who you knew were going through some sort of the same thing as you. What a blessing to not have to sit there next to some big ol’ pregnant bellied lady like at the OB/GYN.

I’d often find myself looking at the others waiting in the room, thinking of how far along they were in their infertility journey and what appointment they were on. We received blue binders of information that we were supposed to bring to each appointment. And each had initial labels on the sides referring to what was inside. So, I’d try to peek and see if they currently matched mine. Were they having an IUI? Were they starting IVF? I wondered what their stories were and how long they had been trying to conceive.

I am very thankful for our experiences so far at Mayo. The 45 minute drive back and forth from Mayo has actually given me a lot of time to debrief over appointments, which is nice! The medical staff has been very knowledgeable, supportive, and caring. We feel very blessed to live so close to and doctor at such a prestigious clinic/hospital.

HOPING FOR THE FUTURE

People often say that you need to visualize what you want in life and ‘see’ yourself accomplishing those things. No need to tell me to do that – you could tell me that there’s a 0% chance of me getting pregnant and I’d still find myself daydreaming of my little kiddos running around. Even though there were times I’ve felt far from hope, there was never a time I was completely hopeless. And I praise God for that!

I’ve bought baby name books, baby books, booties, and even a really hip diaper bag that I just couldn’t pass up! I daydream and I hope for the future. I think about what how I can decorate the nursery and baby names. In fact, we already have a middle name picked out for both a boy or a girl! But one of my favorite things to daydream about is how to tell people we’re pregnant. Oh, how that will be such a long awaited joy. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

As I sit in church, I wonder when it will be that we will be up there by the alter watching our baby get baptized. I even think about to when we have teenage children and picture them being involved in sports, band, etc. I wonder what hobbies they will like and what their personalities will show. I wonder if we’ll still be living where we are and if our children will get married in our church. I wonder what age we will be when we become grandparents and get saddened by the fact that we probably will never be great grandparents.

I choose to hope for the future. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future…

SILENT STRUGGLE

My biggest anger with infertility is that it’s such a silent struggle. Most people who see others going through it don’t talk about it. It makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to do, they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how to act. They don’t ask. They figure not saying anything at all is a better choice. Personally, I think that’s the worst thing to do.

People going through infertility need support! They want to know that they’re not alone. And when you’re struggling with anything in life, I believe the worst thing to feel and believe is that you are truly alone.

I read on a fact sheet (from the” American Society for Reproductive Medicine”) that many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease. I’ve often thought that infertility doesn’t receive the appropriate support from others. I’m not saying that infertility is more tragic than having cancer. Not at all. But - I’ve often thought it is very disappointing how individuals who have a medical condition, such as cancer, often get a lot of verbal and face-to-face support from family and friends, and even people who do not know you at all.

Infertility is also a medical condition, but it oftentimes does not receive that same support. Why is there such a difference? I think it’s because infertility needs to be shown to the world. People need to realize the extent of it’s pain and suffering. They don’t understand how much of a heart wrenching and traumatic experience it truly is. I know it may not make sense to you, looking at it from the “outside” (if you have not gone through infertility personally), but I can assure you, it is more complex than you imagine.

I hope someday infertility steps out from it’s category of being a “silent struggle.”

NOTHING DEFEATS HOPE

Nick and I have gone through our fair share of feeling as if we don’t belong. We’re at an interesting stage in our lives. Here we are now, married for over 5 years. Most of our friends are either single without kids or married with kids. There aren’t many “like us,” who are just married with no children. This can make it difficult in spending time with friends. Single friends hang out with single friends because they don’t want to feel like the third wheel. And friends with children can’t always hang out as easily, or they would rather hang out with friends who have children so when they get together their children can play together. Needless to say, oftentimes, we feel left out.

We don’t blame anyone and know it’s not anyone’s fault. We just keep plugging away, knowing that someday we’ll have children of our own. We keep that hope because we know that nothing defeats hope! And although that hope builds, but then also falters as we go through each disappointment, we know that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Graciously, God has turned those disappointments into appointments with Him. We are learning a lot and trusting a lot. We pray this journey leads us to a life long ministry of being able to support and comfort others in their times of need.

So, I’m choosing to keep believing, to keep trusting, and to keep hoping. I’ll do anything to become a mother. And I know that day will come and will be worth every second of the hardships along the way.

MY REPRODUCTIVE STORY

I’ve read that we all, from an early age, have an unconscious narrative of our reproductive story that we’ve written. It’s our story of how we think our life as a parent will all unfold. It starts in childhood and is modified and rewritten as you become an adult. And when it doesn’t unfold as you hoped it would, that certainly explains some of the emotional pain of infertility.

I never imagined that after 5.5 years of marriage, at the age of 29, I still wouldn’t have any children. My ideal life plan was to meet the man of my dreams by sophomore year of college, get married right after college, and have a baby 2 years later. Ultimately, God has had different plans for me than I had for myself! I did meet the man of my dreams in college, at then end of my junior year, just one week before he graduated from college! And we did get married 3 years later after we met (2 years after I graduated from college.) So, I was just a few years “behind” my dream plan. Not too bad! But when the whole baby making thing came along, it pushed my plan behind…far behind. Goodbye baby that was supposed to be born when I was 26 or 27!

So, now that I’m 29 years old, I guess my story continues to rewrite itself, without my approval. It’s been three years of our infertility struggle. It’s a little uneasy to keep watching the months and years pass and to still not know the miracle of pregnancy, birth, or the joys of parenthood. People tell me to relax and stop worrying because I’m young and have plenty of time. But that’s hard to take in, as they’ve never been through this situation themselves. In fact, it’s very patronizing and hurts deep. Once a married couple wants to have a baby, then faces years of challenge trying to get there, their age becomes irrelevant because the pain and frustration is so very genuine. Even though I understand that we have years left and that my biological clock hasn’t run out yet, it’s difficult when you’ve already seen three years pass and wonder if that chance will ever come – no matter how much time I have left…

PASS THE TEST…Good news: It’s Open Book!

This is a test. And I’m going to pass this test. Fortunately this test is an open book test. Yippee! Because the Bible has all the answers I need…for now! (I’m saving up to ask those other questions for when I’m in heaven.) This test doesn’t have any time limits and I can ask others for help. As a Christian, my faith is being tested more than ever before.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Through this bible verse we believe that even when the proof is not provided and the questions aren’t answered, we still have faith.

I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I know He won’t leave my side. I’m going to keep plugging away and learn as each day passes. I don’t know how this test will end or what grade I’ll receive. But I do know that I won’t give up. My faith is being strengthened and my walk with Jesus has never been sweeter.

I read that two-thirds of those who undergo treatment for infertility will have their journey end in a successful pregnancy. Dear God, please let us be in that two-thirds! Please keep our burdens light and our hopes high! Help me to walk by faith, not by sight and guide me to understand that no matter what happens, your will and your plan for our family will make our hearts whole.

INFERTILITY SUCKS!

Infertility makes me feel like a bad person. I feel selfish. I feel empty and unworthy. I’ve discovered I have a lot more jealous bones in my body that I ever had imagined. I fear that infertility is changing me for the worst. It’s altering my perceptions and changing my dreams. It’s changed me to the point where sometimes I’m afraid I’ve forever lost the parts of me that were so hopeful and positive.

Infertility has made me humiliated to admit that I’ve been angry with God. I’ve questioned my faith and I’ve struggled to accept His timing. At times, I’ve even felt as though God has turned His back on me. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out what I did so horrible to deserve this.

In an article, I read this simple sentence that gave me peace. “Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.” It made me think more about the fact that I’m not being punished. Bad things happen to good people. It’s just a fact of life! God’s not trying to hurt me and He works good through all circumstances. We may not ever know the exact reasons why things have to happen the way they do. But we can be assured that He knows what He’s doing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Yes, infertility sucks. But we’ll make it through this. And we’ll wait for this baby…I didn’t say patiently wait…but we’ll wait…for our little beautiful, incredible, miracle…however long it takes.

GOD’S STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN OUR WEAKNESS

Infertility makes me scared. I feel weak. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of the tests and the doctor appointments. I’m scared we’ll never get pregnant. I’m scared of how my body will react to all the medications. I’m scared I won’t be able to deal with all the emotional stress. I’m scared other people are looking at us thinking we don’t have any children because we’re “those kind of people.”

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. But what is “normal” anyway? Maybe this is what “my normal” is. I don’t think I can necessarily stop these feelings, but I do think that I have a choice. We all have a choice. Be sad, feel what you need to feel, but don’t let it take over your life. I realize I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m sensitive, I can’t change who I am, but I can control it. I have a choice! Today is a new day and it’s up to me to make it count.

Even though I feel weak, I know God is working in me. I may not know exactly how, but I know His strength will be perfect in my weakness. So for now, I’ve decided to try to smile more, pray more, and complain less. I know I’ll be stronger. I know I’ll survive…

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I HAVE INFERTILITY, BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE ME!

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in infertility that you forget how to live. We need to consciously remind ourselves that there is so much more to life. Find those things that make you happy and don’t let infertility take that happiness away from you.

Fight! Fight for what you love. Fight for what makes you happy. Don’t let infertility steal the fight in you! Don’t give up. Keep pushing on. Realize the strength in yourself and know it’s okay and imperative to draw from the strength of others.

I’ve realized that no matter what happens infertility will be with us forever. We can’t run away from it. Sometimes it will be hiding in the shadows and sometimes it will be glaring us in the face. But it will always be there. We’re not ashamed of our negative feelings from infertility, because we know that’s part of the process. But we do want to avoid the bitterness and cynicism as a result of it. We know this whole journey has made us more compassionate and more understanding. It has changed us for the better and for that we are thankful.

I have infertility, but it doesn’t have me…

UNINVITED GUESTS: GUILT & DESPAIR

Throughout these three years, I’ve gone through many spurts of guilt and despair. I don’t want to call it depression, because I’ve heard depression often associated with “hopelessness.” And even though there were times I felt so far from hope, there never was a time that I was completely hopeless. There was always a tiny glimpse of hope that I held onto even in the weakest times.

Oftentimes, the guilt I experienced was in response to feelings I would have. I felt guilty for being upset when I heard of another’s pregnancy news. I felt angry with myself for feeling that way. One day a good friend told me to stop being so hard on myself. I didn’t realize until then that much of my guilt was unrealistic. I was being too hard on myself for having “natural” feelings that I should have allowed myself to feel.

One thing I do know for sure is that infertility will have you experience every single emotion known to mankind! I’ve learned to appreciate each emotion and know that without the “bad,” how would we truly know what the “good” feels like? The good feels better because we have the bad to compare it to. All of these emotions, good and bad, are making me realize and truly appreciate being able to feel these things.

INFERTILITY ISN’T CONTAGIOUS!

Throughout our infertility, as time went on, I found myself reaching out to many people. We didn’t try to keep infertility a secret. We wanted and needed love and support. We understood that not everyone would be comfortable knowing. And I know that not everyone who has infertility is going to be as open about it as I am. I’m not sure exactly why I’m not so shy about it, after all, it is a very intimate and personal part of someone’s life. But, I do know that by putting “myself” out there, I’ve found unexpected support from the most unexpected people. And what a true blessing that has been.

And on the contrary, we now know that the people we most thought would WANT to understand, really didn’t seem to want to understand at all. Maybe they didn’t have the time. Maybe they were afraid of what to say or how to act. Some individuals who were close to us, seemed to back away after finding out. I started feeling like I had an evil plague and if anyone talked with me about infertility, they might catch it too. Am I contagious or something?

It hurt to be cut off from friends. It hurt when people didn’t ask. It hurt when I started talking about infertility and they changed the subject. It hurt when I would email people, straight up telling them I was struggling and needed help, and never got a reply back.

Infertility isn’t contagious. You don’t have to say anything miraculous and philosophical. Just say something, because something is better than nothing…

HOW SHOULD A CHRISTIAN DEAL WITH INFERTILITY?

I found this online and thought it was a great article!
http://www.gotquestions.org/infertility.html

Question: "How should a Christian deal with infertility?"

Answer: The problem of infertility can be a very difficult one, especially for couples who have looked forward to children all their lives. Christian couples can find themselves asking “Why us, Lord?” Surely God wants Christians to be blessed with children to love and nurture. For physically healthy couples, one of the most heart-wrenching aspects of infertility is not knowing whether it is a temporary or permanent situation. If it is temporary, how long must they wait? If it is permanent, how do they know that, and what should be their course of action?

The Bible depicts the problem of temporary infertility in several stories:

God promised Abraham and Sarah a child, but she did not bear a son, Isaac, until age 90 (Genesis 11:30).

Isaac, Rebekah’s husband, prayed fervently, and God answered, resulting in the births of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25:21).

Rachel prayed, and at long last God “opened her womb.” She bore two sons, Joseph and Benjamin (Genesis 30:1; 35:18).

Manoah's wife, who was infertile for a time, gave birth to Samson (Judges 13:2).

Elizabeth in her old age gave birth to John the Baptist, the forerunner of Christ (Luke 1:7, 36).

The barrenness of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (the mothers of the Israelite nation) is significant in that their ability to finally bear children was a sign of the grace and favor of God. However, infertile couples must not assume that God is withholding His grace and favor, nor should they assume they are being punished in some way. Christian couples must cling to the knowledge that their sins are forgiven in Christ and that the inability to have children is not a punishment from God.

So what is an infertile Christian couple to do? It is good to seek advice from gynecologists and other fertility specialists. Both men and women should live a healthy lifestyle to prepare for pregnancy. The mothers of the Israelite nation prayed fervently for conception, so continuing to pray for a child is certainly not out of line. Primarily, though, we are to pray for God's will for our lives. If His will is for us to have a natural child, we will. If His will is that we adopt, foster-parent, or go childless, then that is what we should accept and commit to gladly doing. We know that God has a divine plan for each of His loved ones. God is the author of life. He allows conception and withholds conception. God is sovereign and possesses all wisdom and knowledge (see Romans 11:33-36). “Every good and perfect gift is from above...” (James 1:17). Knowing and accepting these truths will go a long way to filling the ache in the hearts of an infertile couple.

I WANNA KICK MY OWN BUTT (The result of mixed emotions!)

I feel like a complete basketcase. I really don’t even know how I should feel anymore. In one moment, the longing for children is too much to bear. And within the next, I’m trying to convince myself I don’t even want kids anyway. I see a newborn baby and I can’t decide whether I want to hold that baby and gaze at it’s beautiful face or close my eyes and pretend it’s not there.

It seems that I can’t go in public once without seeing a pregnant woman. Every other posting I see on facebook is news about a pregnancy or new baby. And every commercial and show on TV has to do with pregnancy, babies, or kids. Are these things true? No. But when you’re hurting from infertility, your perceptions may be faulty. It seems like everyone is intent on making you hurt, but that’s not the case.

We need to recognize that some of our feelings will be unpredictable. There may be some days when you feel like talking about it, and others when you don’t even want to think about it. And that’s okay. But of course this fact makes it difficult for others to know what to do. They just can’t look at you and know if you want them to ask or not ask. Sometimes I find that the days I want to talk about my infertility, are the days no one seems to care or ask. Then the times I don’t want to talk about it, it’s all they ask about. But who am I kidding? Honestly, it can depend upon the HOUR! Ask me. Don’t ask me. Either way I could be upset about it. But I can guarantee it hurts when people just pretend nothing’s wrong and ignore it altogether.

It’s like I’m “infertility bipolar.” One minute I’m the total optimist and the next I’m the total pessimist. Needless to say, that is why I sometimes want to kick my own butt!

WOMEN VS. MEN

It’s not difficult to notice that infertility is different for men and women. I read in a book that many women see motherhood as an essential part of their identity. It mentions that for a woman, having a child is as basic of a function as eating, breathing, and sleeping. And men need to be aware of the vicious torment infertility inflicts on a woman.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Nick didn’t hurt at the same intensity I did. And with that realization came some resentment and feelings of increased isolation. Don’t get me wrong. I know Nick cares and is sensitive to my needs. And he desperately wants a baby too. We both realize we’re in this together. We’re happy together, we hurt together, we pray together, and we support each other. But it’s just different for women than it is men.

I know these feelings are not unusual for many women going through infertility. It’s usually the woman who feels the greater involvement and suffering. After all, she’s the one on all the medications. She’s the one who has to be at every doctor appointment. And she’s the one who has to physically go through it. Women are the ones invited to baby showers, not men. Women are typically the ones hearing of another’s pregnancy or story of delivery, not men. And women are asked, “When are you planning to start your family?” Women are the ones who see another pregnant woman and listen to their stories. Women come across it more in their daily lives. It’s just a natural part of being a woman.

Wives shouldn’t assume that their husbands understand the depth of their pain. That’s why it’s so important to communicate. Without the communication, you won’t be able to deal with it effectively. And if you don’t let your feelings out, you may become fuller of that grief, which will in return, make you frustrated and angry.

And husbands shouldn’t assume their wives understand the depth of their pain. Tell you wife how you feel because sometimes she feels like infertility doesn’t even affect you. It hurts husbands to see their wives in such emotional pain. But you need to realize that we don’t need you to fix the pain. We want to know that you hurt with us. We need your support and comfort. We need to know that you care too and that infertility affects you as well.

GRIEVING TO HAVE A CHILD

I read in an article by the Cleveland Clinic Foundation that said, “Many people do not recognize that infertility is a source of grieving. The loss of a child who was wanted and imagined but never conceived is a legitimate loss, much like suffering a miscarriage or a stillborn baby.”

I think one of the hardest things for an “outsider” to understand about someone going through infertility is the constant battle with grief. In infertility you are constantly going through that process of heartache and sorrow. You are grieving to have a child. And every month you are grieving over a child that didn’t happen yet again. It is extremely hard to explain, but, in some sort of way, you feel like you lose a child every month.

I read in the book, “When The Cradle Is Empty,” by John & Sylvia Van Regenmorter, that grief associated with infertility is called, “disenfranchised grief.” That means that your sense of loss will not be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned. Chances are no one will offer you condolences. It is the slow death of a dream; the death of your hopes and aspirations. It is the death of a child you never had.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to explain. I am, in no way, saying that suffering the loss of a loved one isn’t as horrible as infertility. I do believe it would be far worse to lose someone you already know and love, than to lose the dream of someone you have never even met. But when you lose a loved one, there is a process of grief that you work through. And with infertility, you go over that process time and time again, sometimes month by month. It doesn’t really allow for that “healing” time in the stages of grief.

The journey of infertility is an interesting grief process to go through. It’s a grief experience, but you can’t truly go through all the stages and have it come to an “end.” (That’s because you have no idea when the end is sight. You don’t know if you ever will conceive a child.) It is unlike the grieving process of a death. In a death, you know that person is not coming back. But it’s different when you’re grieving so deeply over someone who was never there. I know that thought may sound extreme, but in the mind of someone with infertility, it’s a true feeling. And during your different stages of “infertility grief,” you will resurface many of your feelings over and over again…even after you think you’ve conquered them…and they may come with a vengeance.

You may have tried every treatment available and now you need to try to bury that specific hope or dream. You try to look for new possibilities of new plans and new dreams. Perhaps this means adopting a child or maybe even deciding to all together stop your plans for ever having children. This process is hard. And I don’t know if the pain will ever truly be gone. But I pray that if this is what it comes down to for us, that infertility will no longer be the dominating force it once was. I pray that we will find other wonderful goals and blessings to take its place.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

I’ve heard a lot of hurtful comments. I know people don’t mean to be offensive, they’re just naive. But naive makes is sound so negative…it’s not that their necessarily naive – they just don’t know. They’re just trying to say something…anything…and sometimes it just comes out wrong.

But please, please, please, avoid saying these things that truly hurts someone going through infertility.

• “Just don’t think about it and it will happen.”
• “You’re lucky. We’d love to have time without our kids.”
• “If you’d stop stressing out about it, maybe it would happen.”
• “I know exactly what you’re going through, it took us 3 months to get pregnant.”
• “You can take my kids!”
• “So & So prayed, and they got pregnant right away.”
• “This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the winter.”
• “All I have to do is look at my husband and I can get pregnant.”
• “Maybe you aren’t meant to have children.”
• “Just go on a vacation.”
• “Adopt and then you’ll get pregnant for sure.”
• “Get a dog and then you’ll get pregnant.”
• “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
• “You’re so lucky you don’t have to use any contraception.”
• “You don’t want to get pregnant anyway. It totally ruins your body.”

HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WITH INFERTILITY

The best thing to do is to let them know that you care. People struggling with infertility most commonly feel ALONE! Just knowing you’re there let’s them know that they aren’t alone. Not saying anything is the worst thing to do. You don’t have to be a poet; you don’t know to know the right words to say. Listen a lot, but speak less. Ask questions without pressuring them. But do let that person know that if and when they want to talk about it – you are there. And if that time isn’t right now, let them know you are available whenever they need you.

Oftentimes, you don’t have to give advice; they just need to vent and to know that someone cares enough to listen. If you’re the “touchy feely type,” then give hugs and share tears along with him/her. Let them cry on your shoulder. But if you pretend nothing’s wrong or never ask, it’s like you’re ignoring that person and can make them feel like you forgot or that you don’t care.

Simply saying, “I’m thinking of you” can mean so very much. Send them cards. Any emails, texts, or cards that I receive that just say something like, “I love you and am thinking of you today.” mean so much. They don’t even have to say that it had to do with my infertility struggle. I just knew what they meant and that touched my heart. Let them know you are praying for them. Offer them the same kind of support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one.

Those little notes, emails, or texts really touches and uplifts the soul. And you may not know it, but they usually come at the perfect time when people need it the most. Days where I get my period or received news I didn’t want to hear from the doctor, were days I oftentimes would find these messages. Some people may call that a coincidence, but I know it’s a God-incidence.

Overall, just be there. Show support, show you care, and do it often. The worst thing about infertility is the terrible feeling of being alone. Don’t ever let anyone feel alone…



Below is a great letter for families and friends of those experiencing infertility. I read it on www.ivf.com by Mark Perloe M.D.

Letter to Family and Friends

Dear Friend:
I realize that sometimes it's difficult for you to know what to say to a couple who has a fertility problem. Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, it's the wrong thing. I'd like to give you a few suggestions that may help you be the friend I know you want to be:

1. Be ready to listen. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassurance these couples need most.

2. Don't offer advice unless you are really well informed. Infertile couples read everything they can get their hands on. Sometimes it seems as though they know more about fertility treatment than their own doctors. So talking off the cuff about something you don't really know about will only make them angry and defensive.

3. Be sensitive and don't joke about infertility; attempts at levity will only anger them. Joking about infertility is as inappropriate as joking about death at a funeral. Remember, infertile couples are hypersensitive about many things. Try to put yourself in their shoes whenever you insist they come to a baby shower, when you brag about your children's achievements, or when you tell them about your friend's daughter who got pregnant at fourteen.

4. Be patient. This couple may experience mood swings with every treatment or monthly cycle. One week they may be high because a new treatment promises hope; the next week they may be in mourning for the child they lost (didn't make) this month. They may be riding an exhausting emotional roller coaster which makes their actions and moods unpredictable. Try to understand and flow with their changes. And remember that when they want to be alone, they are not rejecting you. Don't get your feelings hurt by the preoccupation they have with their problems; keep in touch.

5. Show that you understand their difficulty. Say things like, "I know this is difficult for you," "I don't envy what you're going through," or, "If there is anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask." If you aren't sure about what they are experiencing, read some articles and books that discuss the emotional aspects of fertility problems.

6. Be realistic and supportive of their decisions for or against fertility treatment. Once they've reached a difficult decision, don't say, "Shouldn't you see another doctor?"; "Are you sure that you really want to adopt?"; or, "I'd never consider doing that!" These couples usually weigh each issue as though it were a life-or-death decision. Don't take their decisions lightly unless you have good reason to.

7. Don't put down their doctor or choices for treatment. Refrain from making comments like, "I never heard of a doctor doing that. Does he know what he's doing?" or, "You don't need surgery. What you need is a vacation." Unless, from your reading or experience, you are certain that their physician is not using accepted methods, keep quiet about these topics.

8. Be truthful. Don't, for example, try to hide a pregnancy in the family. The truth does not hurt, provided you are not brutally frank.

9. Let them know when you don't know what to say. The couple will appreciate your honesty and will probably suggest how you can help them in that particular situation, even if it means remaining quiet. Admitting your problem will help establish honest communication.

10. Be an advocate for infertile couples. Educate others and speak up for the couple's decisions. Promote your local RESOLVE chapter. If you do not have a support group in your community, help form one.

11. Understand that individuals and couples respond to fertility problems differently. Learn to recognize the normal emotional stages they are experiencing—denial, anger, depression, mourning, acceptance, and so forth. And realize that they may cycle through these stages with each new round of treatment and with each lost opportunity. Accept them when they are angry accept them when they are depressed, and accept them when they feel guilty. Unless they remain in a single stage for a prolonged period of time, don't become overly concerned.

12. Above all, be there when they need you and show them that you care.
This is a stressful time for everyone. Don't underestimate how important you and your relationship are to this couple. Your understanding and support can make a significant difference during this difficult period.

Mark Perloe M D
Atlanta, GA.

THE POEM, "WAIT"

This poem has given me much strength and comfort!

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

EMPTY WOMB by Lisa Trzepacz

"Empty Womb" by Lisa Trzepacz

Only You, sweet Lord, have known my despair
Of the weight on the heart lying there
This ache so great, tears cannot ease
The cries, the hopes, the dreams, the pleas

You know the pain of the empty womb
The place no babe has ever called home
No miracle of life growing from within
Perhaps one day, O Lord, but when?

And when I think I can take no more
My heart in pieces on the floor
You gently take me by the hand
And say so softly, I do understand

You whisper I love you, you are My own
Come to Me for peace you have not known
I am the Way, the Truth, the Life
I promise to make your burden light

Let Me rock you gently in My arms
Let me hold you tight, keep you from harm
Oh, come to me, your cries I have heard!
I will give you refuge, I pledge my Word

Leave it with Me, I'll do the rest
For only I know how to give the best
For you see, you've heard a special callin'
Don't think for a moment, it's because you've fallen

You know you are My very own
And in you, a special seed has been sown
This seed is different and it must know
Tears of brokenness and pain to help it grow

The rain and the sun alone on this earth
Do not give this seed its unique worth
Only the Gardener's perfect plan
Can make fruit from a seed for a barren land

A land that is in dire need
Of just one little unique seed
A seed that will sprout and spread His love
A bountiful harvest to gather above

Yes, Lord, I see my vision is narrow
How quickly forgotten, your eye on the sparrow
The lilies clothed of the field
Cover me O, Lord, my will I do yield

Enough of this battle, the parties of pity
There's work to be done, in every city
This work You've started has just begun
'Cause the hardest battle has just been won!

Yes, O Lord, hold tight to my hand
Please guide me, lead me, help me understand
I'll trust in You and Your intricate plan
With You I can make it. Oh yes! I can!

I thank You Lord for my unique seed
To be loved by You, is enough indeed!
You've taught me a lesson I needed to face
That it is only You that can fill this space

You've given me the chances to become
A little help to any and everyone
Such a filling of love that my cup runneth over
And to be seen as a friend in the eyes of another

Let me give rest to the harried mother
For me it's a joy, never a bother
Many are those you've brought to me
To hold in my arms so tenderly

There are times by arms cannot hold
All the children you've brought me from your fold
Little ones here, little ones there
O Lord, you've shown me how much You do care!

We belong to You and not each other
And in Your eyes, we can all be a mother
A mother who loves and listens and cares
And in those three things, we all surely share

Thank you Lord for giving to me
This peace, this oasis, this tranquility
Truly in the midst of a storm
You've held me tight and kept me from harm

Now my soul does sweetly sing
Praise the Highest! Praise to the King!
O mighty and glorious is His name!
I truly will never be the same.

TAKING A BREAK

It’s so difficult to know when enough is enough. It’s hard to know when to take the next step. Or even to know what that next step actually is. It’s a personal decision and only you and your spouse can figure out. Because only you truly knows how you feel. Infertility testing and treatments are a long, intensive, and expensive process. It’s bound to produce anxiety and frustration!

For me, it was difficult to want to take a break because of time running out. Time is running out with my COBRA health insurance. And in general, my biological clock is ticking! Time is literally running out. So why should I even consider slowing down a taking a break? But then it seemed where it came to the point where I’d had it. Your mind and body scream, “STOP!” You’re dreading going in for another appointment and you just want to stop going to the doctor for a while. After all, you’ve also forgotten what spontaneous sex is and would love to experience it again!

Taking a month or two break here and there can be a wonderful thing. Don’t be afraid to take a break from those medical treatments. Rejuvenate and focus on yourself for a while. Focus on the great things about you…instead of focusing everything that’s “wrong” and why you can’t make a baby. Have fun! Do something unexpected and exciting!

Or if a couple has decided to stop treatments…
Here is a short article by Vita Alligood (found on www.resolve.org).

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments by Vita Alligood

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

NO CONTROL…So, “Onward & Upward”

There’s not much I can do about infertility. Sure I can go through the testing, medications, and treatments, but ultimately I don’t have ultimate control. It seems unfair to me that the one thing I’ve wanted more than anything else in my life, I can’t have. I just want to be a mother. But I don’t have much control over that outcome.

A “typical” couple that participates in an infertility program are in their late 20’s to mid 30’s, with professional careers. Typically they’ve experienced that if they work hard, they will achieve their goals. With infertility however, no matter how hard a couple works at conceiving or how carefully they follow a doctor’s instructions, there’s limited control over the outcome. It’s this loss of control that is so difficult for many.

Now remember I’ve mentioned that I’m a planner. I like organization and control. I may have a slight case of OCD. (Don’t we all?) I like packing, cleaning, organizing, and sorting. I like to be prepared. But nothing would ever prepare me for infertility. I’ve explored these aspects of me, learned to set some boundaries, and realized a little more of how to let go. I know I can’t be in control of this aspect of my life, but I can stay positive and keep moving forward.

Throughout all this “uncontrol,” I’ve found some peace. I’m trying to “let go and let God.” I’ve accepted I’m not in control of when we’ll make a baby but I am in control of keeping the faith and looking toward the future. My dad always says, “Onward and Upward.” I’ve used this quote in many aspects of my life. I know this infertility journey is just a step along the way. And ultimately my goal is to keep moving on…and to keep moving up…toward heaven, where someday I will be. We often forget that this life on earth is temporary. And therefore our pain will be temporary.

Never forget…Onward and Upward….

I’M TIRED…

I’m tired of being angry. I’m tried of going to the doctor. I’m tired of insensitive remarks. I’m tired of preparing for the unknown. I’m tired of hearing someone’s announcement of an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy. I’m tired of vaginal ultrasounds and blood tests. I’m tired of the disappointments. I’m tried of someone complaining about how they’re pregnant again. I’m tired of pills and shots. I’m tired of hearing pregnant women complain about how fat they are. I’m tired of feeling left out. I’m tired of asking “why”. I’m tired of probabilities and percentages. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t fit it. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hearing people say abortions are okay. I’m tired of people wanting me to volunteer so much because I supposedly have all the time in the world since I don’t have kids to take care of. I’m tired of options and precautions. And as horrible as it sounds, I’m tired of everyone else’s good news.

I don’t know if it’s going to get any easier. But I think the way I choose to cope with it will get easier. We all have our own crosses to bear. Infertility may very well be my biggest cross to bear that I’ll ever come across on this earth. And even though I know I’m tired…I know I’ll get through this.

THE BLAME GAME

I’ve read of tendencies for couples to focus on “who’s to blame.” One can feel disappointment over the other’s “problem” as to why they can’t conceive. And the other feels guilt for the same. One is thankful they’re not the issue, while the other becomes disheartened because he/she is.

This just breaks my heart. There should be no blame in infertility in a marriage because infertility is a couple’s problem together. It’s one of the few known medical conditions that involves two people. It’s just not one or the other, it’s them together. And a husband and wife are in this together, no matter what, because by marriage two have become one.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:7-9

Husbands and wives are “one” in sharing their hopes, dreams, and joys, as well as the burdens, sad times, and challenges. I know Nick hides his hurt to protect me. And I wish I didn’t make him feel that he needed to do that. I know he hurts because he wants to take the pain away. I’m afraid he feels responsible for this and guilty because I’m the one who has had to suffer most because of it.

I can honestly and thankfully say that I have never blamed Nick during any of this. Although, at times I have felt hurt that he doesn’t have to physically and hormonally go through this as I have. It just doesn’t seem fair. Why am I the only one who has to suffer? I just wish he could feel a little of the pain so he knew what I was going through. But I guess that’s just me being selfish. And I have to remind myself that why else did God give women the responsibility of carrying a child and giving birth? Because we’re strong and men just wouldn’t be able to handle it. (Kidding!!)

But then I think about how I would do anything to make our family. I’ll sacrifice whatever it takes. I’ll go through any pain. I’ll survive this. And we will someday be a mommy and daddy.

No, don’t say it, “THE TWO-WEEK-WAIT!”

Now comes the dreaded “two-week-wait.” Each month after ovulation, the wait to find out if you’re pregnant can be extremely nerve-racking. Every little thing seems to become a distinct sign as to if you’re pregnant or not pregnant. “I’m not having any nausea, so I’m not pregnant” or “My breasts are really sore, I must be pregnant!” You begin to analyze every little thing and think it has some connection to pregnancy.

One of the hardest things about all the fertility drugs is that oftentimes the symptoms and side effects mimic those of a pregnancy. Talk about a horrible trick. It’s as if your body’s telling you, “You are totally pregnant – you’ve got the symptoms and you totally feel like it.” I notice my breasts are super sore. Yippee! (At least I think they are!) I have to pee again and didn’t I just go to the bathroom 5 minutes ago? Yes! (Or is it just because I drank a lot of water today?) I’m craving ice cream again. (Oh wait, that’s just my normal craving anytime of any day all year long!)

Surviving this is tough. You try not to think about it, but yet you can’t get it out of your head and everything seems to remind you of it. It also doesn’t help that you have to literally “pretend” you’re pregnant, just in case you really are because you don’t want to harm your “maybe baby” in any way. No alcohol, no hot baths, no cold meat, etc. And unfortunately, it takes that 2 whole weeks to find out. In today’s world, where we’re used to having everything right away, with information so readily available, it seems odd that we have to wait so long to find out something that’s so important.

Each time a period is a couple days late, your hope rises. Only to fall again. That negative test is a reminder of all those feelings of emptiness, sadness, and grief over the void created by infertility. Then that horrible day comes and you get your period. Then you hope it’s just implantation spotting that may occur in pregnancies. You get your hopes up and then you are devastated when it really is your period. Your body says to you, “Ha ha, sucker – fooled ya again - you’re NOT pregnant!!” But I guess if I look on the bright side – I’m so in tune with my body! I totally notice if anything ever changes!

Well, I did survive yet another 2-week-wait. Guess I’ll look forward to this all over again next month…

MY ACUPUNCTURE ADVENTURE

I want to start off by saying that I am in no way badmouthing acupuncture at all. I do believe it can be an effective medical treatment. I just happened to have an interesting experience with a chiropractor who unfortunately didn’t seem to have much experience with acupuncture for fertility. So, this is my story…

I was desperate to try about anything to aid along our chances of becoming pregnant. I had read a lot about acupuncture helping in infertility and had a few friends who swore that was the only reason they became pregnant. So, I called around the area trying to figure out where would be the best place to go. A few places said they had some experience with it. So, I decided to go with the cheapest option (probably not my smartest move).

Of course I had no idea of what to expect. At the appointment, the chiropractor, seemed very spacey and talked aloud trying to figure out where she should insert the needles. I was on edge! She said things like, “Okay…um…I’ll put this one here. And…um…well….let’s see…maybe another here.” I thought to myself, “What the heck did I get myself into!? I’m wasting good money on this treatment with someone who doesn’t even know what they're doing!” After it was over, she came back into the room and started removing the needles. She talked to me about my next appointment and I was confused as to why she didn’t remove all the needles. Well, turns out it was because she didn’t remember how many and/or where she had put them. I had to tell her to remove the remaining two. I just couldn’t believe it. I ran out of there so fast and never looked back!

Looking back now, I’m thankful I didn’t continue on with the acupuncture treatment, as I don’t think it would have helped us in our infertility journey. I continued to read more on the subject, and it seems that it is more successful and helpful in women who have ovulating issues as it helps regulate things more along that line. And since I didn’t have any problems in that area, I don’t think it would have benefited me in our situation.

That was my acupuncture adventure. It was short but it was eventful!!

LET GO AND LET GOD

Infertility is full of unknowns and unanswered questions. You find yourself trying things and doing things you never thought you would, in order to try to get things you may not ever even known possible. There are no guarantees. There are no heavenly notes from God that fall down from the sky with His answers telling you exactly what the future holds. (I’ve always wished it were that easy!)

I’m trusting that there’s something else better in store for me. That God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself. Here’s a quick story to prove it: In college, I suffered through a very hard breakup. At the time I thought I loved this man more than I would ever love anyone and that I would marry him. But now, looking back, I thank God for that breakup. God lead me to Nick, who was my true soul mate. But at the time, I was so heartbroken, thinking I might never get over it. Today, thinking of that ex-boyfriend barely even takes a tug on my heart. Lesson learned – trust that God has bigger and better plans for you than you have for yourself.

We never know where our lives will take us and what experiences lay before us. All we can do is live one day at a time, giving thanks, trusting in His plan, and appreciating every moment. Sometimes we just need to, “let go and let God.” I still don’t know what the future holds, but I’m confident in the One I know who holds the future. I know I’ll get through this. I know someday it will be easier. And I know someday I’ll be a mother.

PRAY. PRAY. PRAY!

I’ve prayed a lot. But I know I haven’t prayed enough. I want to spend more time talking to God! And praying is simply that - talking to God. There aren’t any right or wrong words. All God requires is a simple faith and a sincere heart. Be honest. Pour your heart out. He understands, he listens, and he cares. Don’t be afraid to ask God for exactly what you want. But remember to pray that His will be done, not yours.

God answers every prayer with one of three answers:
Yes
No
Wait

I saw this poem in a book and loved it!! It explains God’s answers to prayers in a wonderful way.

When the answer is “Yes,”
Watch for a blessing coming today.
When the answer is “No,”
Trust him for a better way.
When the answer if “Wait,”
Be patient and continue to pray.

On a “Prayer Card” at my church it explains how to remember what to pray for. When praying, remember “ACTS.”

A is for adoration. (Praise God for all the awesome things He does, His creation, His love)
C is for confession. (Confess your sins. The ones you readily know and the ones you’re not aware of. And also the times you fail to do what is right.)
T is for thanksgiving. (Thank God for His blessings to you!)
S is for supplication. (Ask, request, and plead to God for those things you need or desire; physical, emotional, or spiritual.)

Pray in Jesus’ name and that thy will be done. Remember that God’s answers to our prayers may not be answered exactly when or how we want. He does things in His way and in His time. But we can be assured that He is always listening and always hears us.

“KID FRIENDLY”

Nick and I are undoubtedly “kid” lovers and very kid friendly. We adore children! I think I’m a super fun auntie… full of energy, fun craft projects, and of course teaching them a few things their parents don’t always appreciate. HA! (They assure me that payback will be a bitch!) In fact – I’m pretty much a kid myself – I am one of those who conveniently “forgot” to grow up. I have education, training, and lots of experience with children. In fact, many people have told me I can comfort and discipline their children better than they can themselves.

Our nieces, Ava and Cora, are our joy. They live just 2 blocks away from us and what a blessing that is. I honestly believe I wouldn’t have been able to get through this experience without having them in my life. I can’t count how many times I stopped by just to see them quickly or receive those precious “huggies and kissies”. They gave me hope and I’ve always smiled at them just how I hope to smile at my own children someday. We’re so thankful that their mommy and daddy have “loaned” them to us so many times and included us in family activities that we would have otherwise felt we had missed out on.

And Nick’s the uncle who will do anything to make them laugh. (Even purposely falling down the stairs, which he often does upon demand.) He’s extremely patient and will sit and read the same book over and over with the girls. He’s so caring and loving and you can see it just in the way he looks at them. He’s going to be a wonderful daddy someday.

So, we know we’re “kid friendly” and we’re ready for this ride of a lifetime as parents. We’re just wondering when that time will finally come. Until then, we’ll stay kid friendly and practice on Ava and Cora!

After all, we’re just “big kids” ourselves. “Big kids” that grew up and realized it was their time to have “little kids.”

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Needless to say, it’s a day-to-day struggle. There are good days and bad days. I’d like to tell you that after all these years, I’m over it and it doesn’t affect my daily life. But that's not true at all. I do always remember that those “bad” days will pass. I try to take it one day at a time. My dad always told me “It may get worse before it gets better, but it will eventually get better.” And I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t think I was so strong. Because most of the time, I feel anything but strong. But maybe, just maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit!?!

TODAY IT’S A JOURNEY!

Yesterday it was a struggle, but today it’s a journey! I am happy and motivated. I have so much energy and feel that no matter what happens, it will be fine. Someday we will be parents and it will be worth the wait. God has a plan! We can handle anything together. We look forward to the future no matter what is going to happen.

I go to sleep praying that tomorrow will a day just like today. Please let tomorrow be a journey and not a struggle!

TODAY IT’S A STRUGGLE

This struggle, this journey…call it whatever you will. But today, for me … it’s a struggle. It’s a struggle to want to accomplish anything. But I do. I don’t feel like getting out of bed, maybe I’ll just sleep through the morning. I may feel weak, but I know somewhere inside of me I’m strong. Today I’m sad and unmotivated. I wonder if I should just stop trying.

I feel like I’m not deserving enough to be a mother anyway. Why do I feel this way? And more importantly, why can’t I make that feeling stop? Today I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t really want a baby anyway. Maybe I’m not going to be a good mom. Perhaps we should just stop trying altogether. Today’s my pity party.

UNREALISTIC FEARS = RIDICULOUS FEARS

As time passes and you think more and more of why you aren’t getting pregnant, you mind starts to go a little bizzerk! You think of all the reasons as to why it might be that you aren’t becoming pregnant, other than common medical reasons.

I took out my belly button piercing (that I foolishly got in college) after 8 years of having it in, because I was convinced it was poisoning me with infertility juices. I started considering switching up my brands of deodorants, shampoo, toothpaste, etc., just in case the specific combinations of these items were making an adverse affect. Crazy, I know…but I do think about it. I also thought maybe I should stop doing so much painting with my craft business. Maybe the paint’s toxic fumes were invading my reproductive system.

Or maybe there’s something in the water we’re drinking. Or is Nick’s sperm allergic to my eggs? (Sounds like a joke but that is actually a real medical problem.) Did I do something to damage my reproductive system? My grandma told me something when I was very young about how I shouldn’t be in gymnastics because it might mess up my “girlie parts.” Maybe she was right?!

I keep telling myself these are unrealistic fears. But why do these crazy things keep entering into my mind? I think I’m desperate for that one thing I can change to make it all better. If only there was one thing we could so simply do to make all this go away. - Even if it does involve ditching my current “fertility poisonous shampoo” (the brand I love oh so much!) and finding a new favorite.

LYING IS FOR LOSERS

After you get married, it’s a common question for people to ask you when you’re going to have children. It’s an ordinary question used as a conversation starter or conversation filler. “So, when do you want to have kids?” It’s an innocent question. I’m guilty of asking that very same question myself before our infertility. (It’s crazy how a few months can really change one’s perspective on that!)

After the first year of infertility, I started getting tired of lying when people asked me that dreaded question. “When are you going to have children?” Normally I replied, “We’re just not ready yet.” We didn’t want to tell anyone the first year that we were even trying, because we figured we’d become pregnant in a few months anyway. And we wanted it to be a surprise. But of course, those months just kept passing and passing.

I know you’re not supposed to lie. I want to be a good Christian. But when someone asks you such a personal question – how else should you respond? My dad said I shouldn’t be lying when people ask us those questions. But all I could think was that I shouldn’t have to answer. And they shouldn’t even be asking. But by me not answering – it just brings up more questions and perhaps some incorrect assumptions. I finally started opening up, and when people asked me that question, I said, “In God’s time.” It was a good and honest answer, after all. And one that shared my faith. It was an answer I could feel good about and comfortable with. Honestly, it usually scared people enough where they changed the subject quite fast….and never asked again.

I keep telling myself we’ll get pregnant, “In God’s time.” I’m learning to trust more in God’s time. (I just really wish His time would go a little faster...)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

When I say I felt alone, it’s not necessarily that I didn’t feel I didn’t have support of family and friends. Because I did have support. But, it’s more that I literally felt alone – that no one really felt the pain I felt. People cared but no one could feel my pain with me. I was tired of being the only one to have to feel these emotions and upset that I couldn’t do anything to make to make it change or stop.

Since about 1 in 6 of couples will experience some form of infertility, odds are, you probably know someone going through a similar experience. You’re not alone! To carry the burden of infertility and not be able to share your feelings can add to that sense of despair. Find that support! If you know someone else who has or is currently struggling with infertility, reach out to them. Most likely they’ll have some good advice or thoughts to share with you. And you never know if your experience will touch and inspire others as well. We’re all here to help each other.

And even though I knew other people going through infertility and we chatted/emailed back and worth, of course I still felt alone. I often wondered if God was really even there walking with us during this time. I now realize that He was there every single step of the way and He will be during all seasons of our lives. He felt every feeling I felt and caught every single tear in the palm of His hand.

THE INTIMATE (Ha Ha!) SEX LIFE OF THE BABY-MAKING CHALLENGED

In the beginning trying to make a baby is fun! But as the months start passing, it quickly turns to no fun very rapidly. The intimacy that God intended for married couples now has an unwanted third party. Doctors are now involved in your sex life. Your intimate life is opened up and intruded upon, by doctors telling you exactly when and how often to have sex. Scheduled, programmed, regimented sex is exhausting and diminishes your intimacy. The passion and enjoyment start to fade fast.

You have to force yourself to be “in the mood” at those exactly perfect times, because if you don’t do it then, you’ll loose another month of trying. You find yourself waking up after 3 hours of crappy sleep, after falling asleep upset because you haven’t had sex yet like you were supposed to. You convince, coax, and beg your spouse to have intercourse when one or the other is definitely not in the mood. And all the while you try to not loose that fun and spontaneity! Ha!

I pee on an ovulation stick in the morning and BAM, it’s time. I’m ovulating! We need to take care of this now or yet another month is wasted! Let’s do this quick before we both head off to work. So, I find myself propping my buttocks up trying to keep it all in - all the while trying to figure out how exactly I’m going to lay here for at least 20 minutes and still have enough time to shower, dress, and get out the door to make it to work on time. Maybe I should just call in sick. Or is it okay to call in and instead of using today as a paid “personal day” or a paid “sick day,” can it be a paid “ovulation day.”?

For 2 years of our infertility, Nick traveled for work and was gone 2 or 3 nights every week. Needless to say, trying to make a baby is definitely a challenge when you’re both not in the same place at the right time! More than once, he made that 3 hour drive back home while I was ovulating, just so we wouldn’t have to miss yet another month. Now that is dedication. We probably would have met halfway and did it in the car if there was no other option. Thankfully it never came to that…

BACHELOR OF ARTS DEGREE IN MOTHERHOOD

Many people dream when they’re young of what they want to be when they grow up. It’s a common question asked to children and teenagers. Honestly, I always knew that when I grew up I wanted to be a mom. There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more in my life than to be a mother. I never really knew what career path I wanted and it was hard for me to decide a college major. Why don’t they have a bachelor of arts degree in “Motherhood” anyway? If there was, I would have chosen that without a doubt. But I chose Elementary Education because since I loved kids, it seemed like the right thing to do.

In high school I taught pee-wee gymnastics, was a peer mentor for children, and helped with Sunday School and Bible School at my church. In college, all my studies were centered around children and I participated every semester in “field experiences.” After student teaching and graduating from college, I moved to Chicago and was a nanny for two children for over 2 years. When we moved to back to Minnesota, I worked at a preschool/daycare for three years. So you can see that everything I’ve done for most of my life, has centered around children.

My involvement with children proved to make it difficult in our quest for a child of our own. After 3 years of working at the preschool, with two of those years being years of our infertility, it was becoming hard to go to work everyday with everything I was doing being centered around children. It was inconvenient to take time off work to attend doctor appointments. So, I decided to leave my job to focus on “me” and try to not be stressed like everyone suggested.

I’m extremely thankful for all my experiences with children. And especially at the preschool/daycare with the younger children. I learned more there than I did in my years at college! I know it’s helped me gain perspective, ideas, and appreciation. And I know deep down I’ll be able to put it to use with my own children someday…

THE TABOO SUBJECT OF INFERTILITY

Why does infertility seem to be a taboo subject? I just don’t get it! Is it because it has to do with sex? Well – if it is, then how does anyone ever talk about pregnancy, delivery, or children? Because we all know how babies are made.

As previously mentioned, approximately 7 million, or 1 in every 6 couples will experience infertility. For something so common, you’d think people wouldn’t be so afraid to talk about it.

Infertility isn’t taboo. It’s someone’s journey to have a miracle…a baby of their own. And there’s nothing unmentionable about that. So please don’t be afraid to talk about infertility. People struggling with infertility have empty arms and broken hearts. They just want to know they’re loved.

SIDE EFFECTS FROM HELL

The symptoms and side effects I have experienced from infertility medications are: mood swings (you feel like a complete psychopath when you find yourself hysterically crying and you don’t know why - to the next second of hysterically laughing), very tender breasts (that if you accidentally touched, I wanted to punch you), sore nipples (that feel like they’re gonna snap right off if anyone got within 2 inches of them), frequent urinations (maybe I should just camp out in the bathroom), extreme fatigue (I didn’t have too much of a problem with this one as I LOVE sleep!), bloating (skinny jeans, what are those, can’t fit into them!), diarrhea (no comment), cramping (it’s bad enough to have that when I have my period, why other times of the month too?), gas (eewww), acne (I thought high school was over!?), lack of motivation (which in return makes me feel like a loser), and discharge (very uncomfortable).

So….you have to go through all the pain with nothing to show for it. Like I said before – talk about a horrible trick! You get pregnancy symptoms without every being pregnant. Lovely...just really lovely.

PREGNANCY TESTS: The Emotional Shocker: TREMENDOUS HAPPINESS OR INTENSE HURT IN JUST 3 MINUTES

The 3 minutes of waiting after taking a home pregnancy test is brutal! For me it wasn’t that the 3 minutes seemed to take forever, it’s that it went by way too fast! I’d sit there thinking and imagining how I’d react if it was positive. Would I stand there in shock? Would I cry? Would I scream while jumping up and down? And then I’d think of how I would react if it was negative again. Would I cry this time? Would I have relief? Would I think I was okay and then only find myself bursting into tears 2 hours later? I would have to force myself to go into the bathroom to check the result on the stick.

The sinking feeling of sadness associated with that one line (meaning NEGATIVE!) on the pee stick is sickening. Oftentimes, I’d find myself checking over the directions just one more time to make sure one line didn’t actually mean “pregnant.” Unfortunately, the printed directions never changed – yup, one line meant one thing – BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!

Time and time again of those moments of immense expectations suddenly followed by agonizing failure, are enough to make you fall to your knees. You’d think it’d get easier after so many years, but the disappointment and hurt is just as intense…every time…